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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I wanted to try a small piece of my challah today. I ate half a loaf. It has never been so fluffy and pull apart delicious! Too bad I can't take a loaf to dinner tonight, because even though it is kosher, it is not kosher enough to share with a Jew yet. This waiting sucks. Not being able to give freshly baked challah to my friends sucks. I love my new oven. I love my first challah bread that I made here. It is delicious and so much better than store bought! I called a non-Jewish friend to come pick up a loaf or two. I'm hoping he shows up and takes one. It is going to be Shabbat in a couple of hours. After Shabbat ends, so will my spring break. I've enjoyed my learning this week and feel that I will be ready for next week even if (or more likely when) chaos occurs. Have a great Shabbat. |
| It was nice to have class after a week and a half. I was able to ask questions and get answers to things that I am dealing with immediately, not conceptionally or could possibly, one day, hypothetically have to think about. Because of spring break, I have attended other classes and been able to listen to my Ark Online also. I have even had time to almost read an entire book that I borrowed last Shabbat! After having my kitchen set up and using it for a few weeks, I feel confident in keeping everything kosher. Even after my daughter was here, I was able to keep things organized and understand what possible mistakes could happen and what to have to do to fix them. I was still able to keep dishes separated even though I had dairy dishes, meat dishes, and parve dishes all dirty. When she left, I was able to wash all of them, keep them separated, and keep them kosher (as kosher as they can be right now). If happiness was a smell, it would be fresh challah. With a clean kitchen, and hearing all of the classes about getting rid of chametz, I decided that today was the time to make challah. I followed the rules of how to keep the challah kosher. I used only my parve dishes. I used covering for the counter when I rolled out the dough. I cooked it in my parve oven. It came out perfect.      |
| Life sucks sometimes. I'm glad that I have people that keep me focused on my goals regardless of the madness and chaos that is going on around me. Sometimes it amazes me how our lives affect others and are affected by others. Last week was parent teacher conferences. This week is spring break. The best part of the week last week was the conferences with the parents and the kids being antsy and crazy just before spring break. Those are things that normally drive a teacher to drink half of spring break (so I've heard). My whole reason for moving to this area is for conversion, however, I chose the school I currently teach at for a reason. I know that these students have a rough life outside of school. I try to give at least one hour a day that they have a safe place to be. This is very difficult when it feels like the rest of the school is fighting against this concept. I will be heading back to work on Monday with no boss and less support than what little support I already had. Students will be going back and hearing rumors about why multiple people are gone, including people they looked up to and depended on for emotional support. What am I able to tell these students who so often are abandoned by people that they care about and lean on for guidance? That the world isn't fair. That our decisions (especially immoral ones) have consequences that not only affect our lives, but also the lives of everyone around us? That we just need to learn to not make the same mistakes? That even when the world around us is erupted into chaos, and when we no longer to see those that we consider our mentors, that we must go on, persevere, and work that much harder to live our lives better? That you must find your purpose and use that as your reason to keep going on difficult days like these? How can I ask these things of these students, when part of me doesn't want to be there knowing I won't have any support the next time a kid has a meltdown or wants to fight, or cares more about texting and starting drama than listening. Also, to ask 10th and 11th graders to think of their purpose for living, seems unfair. They should be focused on homework, and video games, where they want to go to college or what job they want to do when they grow up, and how they can get the boy or girl they like to like them. Life is just unfair. With the world seemingly falling into nothing but chaos, I have been cherishing the small wonderful things around me. People can be kind and say kind things, even when they are hurting. I got my VIP card from the kosher grocery store yesterday. I spent three days with my daughter, A1, cooking her big dinners, teaching her to make latkes, buying shoes (favorite thing to do when I feel down), and made funny faces. I enjoyed my time with her so much. It was enough to remind me that even when the world is hurting, there is always something beautiful to celebrate. That is why even after tragic news and events, Jews still dance and sing. There is always something to celebrate and a time to celebrate. There is a time to cry, to be angry, and to fight. However, there is a time to just be, a time to sing, a time to dance, and a time to have hope and faith that everything happens for a reason and will be good in the end. So after days of wresting with how I am going to face work with my coworkers struggling with how to deal with the moral crisis happening around them, and how I'm going to deal with less support than ever, and how I'm going to deal with the students reactions to the change and rumors, I have gotten it together. I won't have the right thing to say to the kids. I know that. However, I will be there. I will be there and love them the same that I always have. I will do my best to show them that regardless of the things that go wrong in our lives and in our jobs, we keep going. I will leave the mess of finding a proper replacement up to those in charge, and trust Hashem to guide them. I will also trust that if Hashem thinks I would be better someplace else, that would arrange that. Otherwise, I am going to do the best I am where I am at, because until G-d says differently, that is where I am still needed. I have class tonight after a week and a half. I'm excited for it. I still don't know what is going on with my conversion at this point, but I have class today. I'm going to learn something. |
| Purim is a holiday where just existing is celebrated. The ability to still be a Jew and a Jewish nation regardless of where you live in the world and overcoming evil to continue the right to exist is the entire celebration of the holiday. If Jews had died in the time of Esther, I know I wouldn't exist (even though I'm not technically a Jew). On Purim, children are dressed up and their main thought is showing off their costume and getting candy gifts. It's cute to see. The teenage girls (and 20s it seemed) were dressed up and their main thought is friends. Some adults dressed up and some adults didn't. Thier main thoughts were making sure they fulfilled every mitzvah that was required: hearing the Magillah read day and night, giving Matanot LaEvyonim (money to the poor) and giving Mishloach Manot (food gifts to friends). Handing out Mishloach Manot was weird. I went around the neighborhood knocking on people's doors and either sitting a bag on their doorstep next to other bags, or handing them the bag and driving away. It was weird. A friend was kind enough to go around with me, which I am thankful for, but it was still weird. Does it ever get not weird? My favorite part of Purim was the fact that everyone was happy and laughing. There has been so much sadness and suffering that it was such a blessing to see everyone smile, laugh, and enjoy friends. There was a comedian for the entertainment this year. Though he had a few recycled jokes, he was much better than the magician last year that obviously didn't know his audience. Just hearing everyone laugh made my day. I love that one of the main focuses for this holiday is listening to the book of Esther read to you. I love anything that has to do with the Tanach. I guess my favorite thing about this holiday, though, is that it can't be done alone. Seeing other people happy makes me happy. That is the best thing about this holiday. Today was Shabbat. I went downstairs for kiddush. There was a young (7 maybe?) boy that I had a conversation with. I asked him what he dressed up as for Purim. He wanted me to guess. He gave me a hint that it was the name of a car and started with the letter P. I couldn't think of any car that started with the letter P. He then said the second letter of the word is L. What car begins with PL? Police! With all of my children grown, I am definitely out of the loop on little kid spelling! Have a great week! |
| This week is Purim. Purim comes from the book of Ester. I had my very first Purim last year in the community. I had stayed with a friend and was able to enjoy the full Purim experience (even receiving Purim gifts). This year, living in the community, is a bit different. I, again, will be getting the full Purim experience but with new joy. I have been able to hear all kinds of conversations building up to Purim, and even got to pick out costumes (instead of last minute) with a friend. I get to make my own gifts for friends and deliver them this year. My first time, ever. On Purim, you give money to the poor and at least two gifts of food to friends. Because this is my first Purim, I wanted to be able to give to a few friends (because I have them here to give to), so I got the things for the gift bags (I can't give home baked things yet). I didn't know how much it would cost (because this is my first time making the bags) but we are supposed to give more to charity than to friends, so I waited until I bought the things for friends so I could give more to charity than that amount. I love being here in the community. It is amazing to be with such wonderful people. It just makes me wonder all the more what it is like to be in Israel. I heard that everyone there is like this small community here. Some day. |
| I was asked how my Shabbat went. I replied that it was a normal Shabbat. It is so good to have a normal when it comes to Shabbat. I feel extra blessed this week. Thank you Hashem for everything. I love you. |
| A celebration in the making: I bought a car! It is currently getting cleaned and getting it's oil changed, but I should have it in my possession in a couple of days. The great thing about this is that it was in my budget. I do not have a car payment. I do not have a loan at all! I can get it legal and start driving it right after I get it! Thank you Hashem for being so good to me. |
| Finally! It took two days, but I finally got my cabinet put together, my parve oven set up, and my new pots and pans put in the cabinet. I chose one with a metal top so it could be easily koshered. I am looking forward to baking challah this week! I have everything (hopefully) that I need to make parve food on a regular basis. I am so happy. I now get to try new recipes and make the ones that I already know (and keep them parve)! Since I have been in my new apartment, I have done nothing but work and study. There have been very few moments that I have been able to spend doing things that I love doing, or creating things that I love to create. I need to set aside time to just be me. I need to spend some time writing, crocheting, and dancing around my kitchen again, so I feel like myself. I absolutely love all of the learning that I am doing, but I have stressed myself out. For the past seven months, outside of work, studying is all that I am doing. I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner the other day. It reminded me of my place up north, away from the community, when I would often eat a bowl of cereal for Shabbat dinner, and go to bed soon after. I admit that Shabbat is so much better here in the community, but that bowl of cereal made me realize all of the things I used to enjoy that I haven't made time for since I've been here. Now that I have my kitchen set up (Finally!!!), I can get back to doing some other things that I love. I miss crocheting, and I miss writing. Outside of this blog, I haven't written much in the past year. Today is the first of Adar. The month when joy increases. If I think about what brings me joy the most, writing is definitely on the top of the list. Okay, I got a bit sidetracked with chatting with my children and now it is the second of Adar. I am still looking for a new vehicle. My van is going through a bottle of power steering fluid a day. However, it is Adar. That means that I will find a car that will last me a while and it will be a great deal. Right? I hit 1000 days on duolingo Friday before Shabbat! I go back and practice Spanish when I am frustrated with Hebrew, but for over the past year, most of the year was strictly Hebrew. It felt good to hit that milestone. 1000 days on duolingo, a wonderful Shabbat, and my kitchen finally set up made it a wonderful weekend. Hoping that it is a good week. I will post pics of my challah when make it. |
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