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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I have been extremely overwhelmed with life. At one point this week, I have wondered if there is even any hope for humanity. I'm sure that heaven was crying too. I forced myself to keep going and went to work. I'm so glad I did. As I stood in the hallways discouraged by my students' lack of caring, the world's lack of morals, and the weight of the rest of life bearing down on me, I said, "G-d, I need you today," like I often do. And I heard the words that I often hear and read, "The way to battle evil is with love." I saw my students again as just kids who want to be loved, and remembered that I am part of humanity. If there is too much hate and evil in the world, then my job is to bring more love and hope. Sometimes it is hard, especially when life is overwhelming. The overwhelming parts of my life at this moment: 1. I'm sure this won't come as a shock at this point, but I am in desperate need of a new car. I've put a lot of miles on the car driving back and forth before moving to the community in which I now live. 2. I have been working on making sure I have a functioning kosher kitchen. Though it is kosher, I needed extra separate space for parve foods, since I eat parve as often as I eat dairy. I'll be putting together the rest of my kitchen this weekend (or Monday at the latest, depending on how long lesson planning takes me). 3. Although GZ has been working with me a lot, I feel stuck in my Hebrew. Like I'm not progressing. However, I know that I have always felt that, and that I am reading now more fluently and with a greater vocabulary than this time last year. I'm still not even close to where I want to be though. My Rabbi laughed at me because of the way I pronounced my "ח". I have been afraid of speaking Hebrew in front of the Rabbis because I sound so awful. This only confirmed my fears. I sound awful. 4. Work. Because its work. 5. All the people everywhere. There are so many people and cars here that I don't want to go anywhere. I don't have a special place to go and be alone, because there is no way to be alone in the city. People are kind here. Even strangers are kind, and this helps, but there are so many of them! 6. Lack of time to write. I haven't written much because I just haven't had the time. I wish I had more time to write. 7. My children. Even though they are adults, they are still my children, and worry for them and trying to take care of them be there for them doesn't ever end. 8. Israel and Gaza. Evil not only seems to be out in the open, but it is celebrated by many in the world. That's scary, heartbreaking, and leaves me wondering if there is any hope. With all this happening at once, and more not shared, I have been overwhelmed. What do I do when I am this overwhelmed? I write. I haven't had much time for that and will be making an effort to do more of it. I bought a book called "Write Your Way Home: The Jewish Guide to Therapeutic Writing" by Yocheved Rottenberg, CJF with "Inspiration by" Chaya Hinda Allen. I'm excited to read it and try the writing exercises. I will be making another place on this site for those entries. It's not like I don't have things going well. I have plants that are growing in my new apartment. This is the first time I have ever been able to keep plants alive and I love it! I have amazing friends here. As much as I'm struggling with my job, I still love what I do. My classes with my Rabbi have been going well. I have learned things that I can apply right away. I love studying. We have done so many different things: Shulchan Aruch, the book The Shabbos Kitchen, and before and after blessings for eating. I look forward to my classes at shul more than anything else during the week (at least right now). My typical learning schedule: Sunday - Shabbos class (or whatever he feels like sometimes with the Rabbi who laughs), Intro to Talmud (JLI class with the Rabbi who glows), Conversational Hebrew (with GZ), Easy Hebrew Method (with GZ), Psalms (with GZ) Monday - nothing unless there is a women's event or a rescheduled class or a one-on-one class with GZ Tuesday - Conversational Hebrew (with GZ). Easy Hebrew Method (with GZ), Easy Hebrew Reading (with GZ) Wednesday - Shabbos class (with the Rabbi who laughs) Thursday - Conversational Hebrew (with GZ), Easy Hebrew Method (with GZ), either Isaiah (with GZ) or Talmud (with the Rabbi who glows) There were two incidents this week that gave me strength to keep going: 1. My neighbor shoveled the sidewalk and salted it. She wouldn't let me help her, but let me talk to her while she was doing it. She is a wonderful person who always brings in people packages and sets it in front of their door. She checks on the elderly people of the building. She is a good person, and every time I talk to her, she brings light to my life. 2. After a few hard days and a snow storm, a bird stood outside my patio door. Then it went to the tree next to patio and sang. I have been visited by birds every time that I am stressed, anxious, or discouraged. I see it as G-d telling me that he knows my needs and will take care of me. If he can take care of bird during a snow storm and feed it immediately after, he can certainly take care of me. |
| It is amazing how much I need to say when I finally get the chance to sit down and write. I feel like all I do is work and study, and I still don't have enough time to do either as much as I want or need. It's funny how that works. I am healthy again and attending shul, classes and community events. Even at community events, there is always something that I learn. There are still times when I feel out of place and overwhelmed. I feel like I have lived outside of my comfort zone for the past two years. However, I have noticed my comfort zone expanding. I feel comfortable being at multiple people's houses. I feel comfortable helping with Shabbat dinner (instead of like I will defile the food with my goy hands). Most of the time, I am not treated any different than any other guest or friend. Honestly, I still hate the city. I hate the traffic and all the cars. I hate that it takes 20-25 minutes to drive 8 miles, and for some reason, I still have to watch for deer! But tonight, I looked out my patio door and watched the snow fall and felt complete peace. There was only one car on the road and it was going country slow. The city sounds were dampened by the blanket of white fluff, the lights were dimmed by the twirls of snowflakes, and for a small moment, it felt like I had always been here. My kitchen is almost how I want it to be able to run smoothly and kosher with no sacrifice to my love of baking and trying new recipes. Now that I am almost functional, I am understanding how mistakes can happen so easily. My Rabbis have been amazing, and are so helpful. I learn so much with every class. The Rabbi who laughs has been teaching me how to keep a kosher kitchen and the proper blessings to say before and after eating. I've been finding out bruchahs and other things that I have been doing wrong and what I should be doing instead. I am very hard on myself. I know that. I'm learning to give myself more grace though. One example, I learned that I was saying the wrong bruchah on nuts. Instead of beating myself up mentally, I made myself a note, came home, and said the proper bruchah on nuts so that I would remember. I always tell my students that making mistakes is what helps us learn, and when we know better, then we do better. So instead of being hard on myself for my mistakes, now that I know what I am supposed to do, I will practice until it becomes second nature. I have so much more to say, but it is late. I will just thank G-d now for all the good news I have received this week tell him that I love him. Have a wonderful night everyone. |
| I didn't break Shabbat today. I have been sick for a few days and didn't go to shul. Not going to shul was bad enough for breaking Shabbat for me. I hate that I have to do something on purpose to break Shabbat. I can't wait for that to end. I prayed at home and said Tehillim for the soldiers and remaining hostages, as well as for GZ's dad who is sick in the hospital. My kitchen is starting to come together. I know at this point I don't have to buy things, but I like to cook. I want to "practice" knowing that when this practice is over, I will be able to do it right. So, I bought another stand and another convection oven for parve foods. I turned down going to someone's house for Shabbat dinner, because I didn't want to get them sick. I had chicken shawarma in the freezer and decided to cook that along with some cucumber salad and orzo salad. I realized that I have no parve pots or pans to cook a parve dish. I cooked the orzo in a meat pan so it could be eaten with meat. However, I was very sick yesterday. I had not drank anything when my friend A brought me my medicine that she picked up from the pharmacy for me. All I was trying to do was get ready for Shabbat, and nothing was going right. Thank you A for coming over and making me drink water and praying with me when I prayed for a friend. Your love and care helped me be prepared for Shabbat on time and in the right frame of mind. I have been studying blessings before and after eating. There are different blessings for food made with grains, with food made from certain food in Israel, for fruit, for vegetables, for other foods. I make sure what I eat is kosher and that I say the right blessing for it, but on Shabbat, I eat challah (bread). I only say the blessing for bread, then the Grace After Meals (Birkat Hamazon or Bentching). Eating bread is special and covers everything else that you eat. Whenever I am in my kitchen, I look at food and think about what blessing I say for that item and why. This Shabbat I didn't do that though, all I could think about was a soldier that I encountered a few weeks ago. It is not a new thing for Israeli citizens to be in the neighborhood where I live and visit the synagogue that I attend. I have met a few. However, there are a couple that have stood out from the rest. There was a young soldier that spoke at the synagogue. What moved me about him was not what he said, but what he did beforehand. We have what is called Kiddush after Shabbat services. It is a meal that is proceeded by a prayer over wine (or grape juice) and a blessing on bread. At my synagogue, there isn't always unsliced bread to pray over. Most people pray on sliced bread or on a piece of cake instead. This young soldier walked around from table to table asking for challah (bread) rolls until he had two of them. He then found a shaker of salt, spilled it on the table (very near me), said the blessing, and ate a piece. He did all of it without saying a word because he had already washed. He then sat down to eat. I have prayed extra on my own since then. All I can think is there are people like him that I am praying for, that need prayed for. For weeks I couldn't figure out why that one incident stuck with me, but a quick glance at my fridge makes clear to me what that simple act of dedication to his faith that young soldier did for me. My friend who died last year left a dark hole in my world. Why the praying over challah rolls made me see light in the world again, I don't know, but it did. It might have been the multiple people who gave up their challah rolls so he could say his blessing in addition to his desire to fulfill the observance in the proper fashion. Regardless, I saw good in the world again. There have been a few hostages released. There was one hostage that fasted on Tisha B'Av and prayed daily. I can't imagine being held hostage and fighting my captors to be able to practice my religion. That is what one girl did. She fasted, she prayed, and she refused to eat non-kosher meat. She is proof that evil has no chance to kill good. In this crazy, scary, and messed up world, there is still good. I am so blessed to see so much good in the people around me. So this next week, when I am feeling better, I will continue setting up my kitchen to function the way I want my kosher kitchen to function. I won't care that I may need to replace some or all of the things I purchased to make it function this way, because in the end, I already see the worth. |
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