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What I want out of this. |
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I decided to go to therapy for certain things that have been triggering me. The point to this is to try to figure them out so that I can control them, thus leaving them in the past. I mean, if it's possible. I hope that they do. I guess that has always been my issue. I just walked away from a lot of things hoping that they would just go away. But I was wrong. They seem to come back whenever something happens in my life that causes a trigger to emerge. And that is not good. Especially if I want to continue to work at the jail, right? I find myself with anxiety. Something I didn't know I had. Until I was a 911 dispatcher. Even my Supervisor told me if I was aware of my issue. I was all over the place. But I thought it was normal. That my behavior was normal. I notice that I tend to start something and then I walk away from it. Even if I am currently in the middle of something. Something catches my attention and I start something else. Never really getting to the bottom of what needs to be done. Is that normal? I’m sure to some extent it is but not always. In fact, even now, as I am writing this, I am all over the place. I have so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin. It kind of feels as though I have to write it all down, even things that make no sense, in order to get to the bottom of whatever issues I have. So, what is it that I want from therapy? Besides helping me understand these triggers, I am also trying to understand my anxiety. Where does it come from? How long have I had it? Have I always had it and I just ignored it or thought it was just something I was used to? I wonder what else I have ignored. No one is perfect, I know that. But if there are things I can understand I can control. I don’t have ways of controlling every aspect of my life. No, that is something I don't wish to do. I know that in the past I tried to control the things around me by just blocking them out of my mind or simply walking away. But that is not the way to do it. I know a lot about myself and love myself for the things that I have already accomplished in my life. But there are other things that I know I have ignored for far too long and now they wish to come out and demand my attention. I guess I've known this for a long time. I just didn’t want to do anything about it because I simply just wanted things to go away. And honestly, I always thought that by reaching out and asking for help, was a sign of weakness. Then there was that thought that therapy never worked for anyone. People that did seek therapy… I guess it was a sign of weakness. (I already said that, didn’t I?) And it’s not. I’m beginning to understand that it's a way to find answers, answers that are difficult for the mind to find. I hope I am making sense. But what I am getting at is that I am not alone. So many have issues like myself. Only difference is that I was weak to seek out assistance while others reached out. I guess in a way I was weak. Too weak to realize that I needed help. And so my journey begins. The first thing is what do I want out of therapy? To find out what triggers I have and which are still hidden. My goal is to understand them and start to release whatever stress, depression or anxiety I have. Which I feel is holding me back to my full potential. Why do I feel unworthy of love? I feel as though it belongs to the lucky ones. The one with the purest hearts. Maybe mine is dark and I don’t even know it. And for that reason I release an aura that makes people go away. I am a good person when it comes to being a friend, aunt, listener and maybe even a lover. But never someone that anyone wants to be with. Do I show people the impossible walls I’ve built. Walls that I ‘ve built so long ago. That I’ve just built and built that, now, I don’t even know how many I've built, and for how long. But worse, I don't know where they are and if I know how to put them down. I’ve grown so much in my journey, or have I? Or did I simply just walk away halfway through my healing process? Am I still depressed? Even though I fear death, ( Or at least, how I’m going to die) why do I freeze up when scary things happen to me? Why don’t I fight back, almost like I am accepting my fate. Part of me feels that maybe I don’t deserve certain things in my life. Even though I fought for them. Intuitive I wonder what people will feel if I was gone. What is up with that? I never seeked attention. But deep down I still wonder. I guess that is it for now. I am sure more things will arise. I am sure of it because once I start opening doors other things will come to light. Oh, boy, what am I doing? I guess I am going to find out, aren’t I? I am a little scared and excited, all at the same time. But here we go! 02/15/2023 |
| This is just food for thought. Something that will help me move forward. My thoughts are everywhere. But in order to see the end of this road, I gotta walk it and express all that I feel. so here I go.... At this point in time I would rather sleep and let time pass me by. Maybe when I wake up, things will be different and I will be okay. I don't feel motivated tonight. I don't want to be here and work. When I am here I think of you. I know I cannot allow for this to take over me. But I cannot help it. It's how I feel. In time, I know it will get better. I am getting ready for the battle I will fight within myself. When I know you will allow me to walk away because you never really cared enough to hold on to me. You will allow your past to hold you back. And for that reason, as I am fighting to exhume you out of my heart, you will act as if nothing has happened and move forward. It hurts to know this. To see the memories I created with you. To know that I allowed myself to open up and express my love to you. Nothing is ever enough for those that truly are not meant to be. If the time comes and you ask why I walked away I will express myself to you one more time and tell you that I cannot be with someone that refuses to open their heart to anyone. I tried and I failed. I guess time will heal it all but Goddamnit, I hate this. I never get it right. I am always told that I am strong to walk away... One of the many great aspects, one that I am very proud of. But I am so tired. My soul hurts. I have no peace because I opened up my heart. Maybe I shouldn't have. I don't regret it and for that I must now get ready to fight and remove the "what if's" and understand that what was not meant for me, must go for good. |
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