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My thoughts about things. |
| A place to put my thoughts about various stuff. |
| Trick or treat Smell my feet Give me something Good to eat! If you don't I don't care I'll pull down Your underwear! I remember hearing that for the first time as a little kid and how scandalized I felt at the thought of someone messing with someone else's underwear!  You just didn't DO that kinds of stuff. I always felt like a grown-up in a little kid's body. These days I sometimes feel like a little kid in my grown-up body.We decorated for Halloween on September 1st this year, just like last year. Before these two years though, we had always waited until October 1st. I have to admit that the Halloween stuff doesn't give me the same feeling as decorating early for Christmas, but it was nice to have it up a little longer. It will feel good to take it down and put up Thanksgiving things. I've always loved the beginning of what I consider the 'big' holidays at the end of the year. Fall is my favorite season mostly because of the impending holidays and more time with spent with family. This year, especially, that is hitting hard. It will be the first set of them without mom and dad. There are no calls to make or presents to get in the mail to them. No sending them the kids' school pictures in their Christmas card. No calling mom to ask advice (that's really not necessary) on how to cook some of the foods from my childhood. Just calling to hear her voice. Hear her tell me that she wished I was close enough to come get a hug. It's ok, all of this processing their passing. I keep telling myself that anyway. It's something that has to be done and not ignored. Trying to ignore it got me nowhere except snapping at people and then closeting myself away to cry a tissue box full of tears. Definitely not healthy and no way to honor their memories. So, here I am writing responses to Lilli's QOTD, doing reviews, and creating another blog entry. Go me. No, seriously, go me - keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to enjoy each day to its fullest. I'm a part of their legacy and I'm not going to spend it immersed in sorrow and fear while the days pass me by. I've got loved ones to love and life to live.  Hence, the silly sing-song poem that I remember hearing as a kid that started out this entry. Even as a little kid, I had this inherent knowledge of right and wrong and absolutely did not want to do the wrong thing. What would everyone think?  So, while other kids were belting out that little diddy and laughing until their bellies hurt, I kept my lips sealed. No sir, no way I was going to sing that and get in trouble.I waited until it was night and I was in my bed and then I whispered it to myself.  It was the tiniest delicious little morsel of safe rebellion that still made me blush even though no one could hear me. And there is the best example of how I mostly am, folks. Which is why I surprise the hell out of myself with some of the things I write.  Maybe that's why I can get it out on the page instead of in front of people.It's probably not surprising that I married a man who is not as staid as I am.  Let's just say in his younger years, he mooned people and also went streaking. He has that balance that I never achieved. So very responsible, but with a wild side. Oh, how I love him.Our kids have more of the balance, leaning towards my quiet nature in public. They have wonderful senses of humor and a wit that comes directly from their dad. Well, the corny part of their humor is from me. I went back and read my blog post from 10-30-22. It was bittersweet remembering where we were at that time and how things were with everyone. I've come far enough to understand that looking back in the past like that... it's meant to be something to roll around in your mind for a short while and then, set it free again. You can't sit in the past and walk toward the future. So, today is about making more memories to store away for future me. Put the chili in the crockpot. Set out our costumes. Unbag the candy and clean out the cauldron! Halloween 2024 is going to be a spooky, sweet, good time!!     Happy Halloween, everyone! |
| It's been over a year since I logged on to writing.com. My dad passed in September 2023 and the next day I withdrew from a lot of things to concentrate on my family and process the grief. My mom put their affairs in order and celebrated one last Christmas with us. She passed the next day. They were married for 55 years. I can count on one hand the number of nights they spent apart in all that time. They were perfectly imperfect. They shared joy and laughter, tears and fights. The last few years the dad we knew and husband she knew slipped away, taken by Alzheimer's. We lost him. He lost himself. She stayed with him until his last breath. After he passed, mom talked of things she might do in the future. And always there was a hollow ring to her voice. Improvements were made to their house in anticipation of her return. She only stayed one night there without him. Her health declined and she spent the rest of her time in facilities or the hospital. She received a pacemaker because her heartbeat was so low she could have passed without the medication they gave her. After it was in, she told me that she signed a paper saying after her death her pacemaker could be used for veterinary purposes. It would be donated and save a beloved pet who needed one. The morning she passed she was supposed to have a procedure that would look for what was still wrong with her heart. When I got the call, I already knew. It was broken in a way that medicine could not fix. The love of her life was waiting for her. After spending years saying goodbye to him, she was ready to be by his side again. They loved to dance. As a kid and later as an adult, I would admire how naturally they fit together. Dad always held her right hand in his left one, against his cheek, as he leaned close and held her tight. Just as she was by his bedside at that moment, I know dad was there at hers. Holding out his hand, asking her to dance. And that is how I remember them. The sharp pain has dulled to an aching throb. One that still makes my breath catch when I think of calling to tell them something and realize I can't. And the dull ache that means I am getting accustomed to their absence still makes me angry at times. I know that they would want all of us to continue on and enjoy each and every moment we can. That they are watching over us and waiting for us and hopefully it is a long time before that joyful moment when we meet again. So, we continue. We tell stories and laugh and cry. I see the turning of the seasons and think of dad mentioning the first frost of winter or how the ground was getting thawed enough to get back in the fields. I see school buses and think of the years that he drove one. Remember him teaching me to drive and walking me down the aisle. I hear his laughter echo in my mind and see him smiling, feel him hug me tight. I pass down knowledge and old sayings from my mom that she passed down to me from her mom. I cook her recipes with our kids. I watch the shows she liked to watch. I buy a book of stamps and think of her behind the counter in her post office when I would stop by with the kids. How her smile would shine when she saw us in line and how proud she was of her job. How it was hard for her to share emotion through words, but she never missed getting or giving a hug. And she always, always said I love you. I love and miss my mom and dad. My world - the whole world - is less bright because they are gone. But the world is so much better for having had them in it. |
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