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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| The party two nights ago was awesome. My subconscious decided I was to have a few beers because instead of riding my motorbike, I took a taxi...a conscious 'just in case' decision. Drink driving is up there with suicide on Thailand's roads. Janji owns a nail and beauty business, which doubles as a bar. The entire street is full of vendors selling street food, small restaurants and shopfronts offering Thai massages. I've never been to that part of town (another reason I took a taxi) and found the area to be vibrant, with mostly local Thais who seemed very happy to be celebrating Janji's birthday. The guests consisted of Farangs and their Thai girlfriends, some ladies who work in the massage place next door to Janji's shop and me...the obvious newby and target to become the next Farang ATM on legs. Not wanting to disappoint, and with just enough caffeine and beer to loosen my wallet, I was tipping like there was no tomorrow. Janji had a sash to which everyone was affixing B100 notes...the waitress and DJ also benefitted from my heightened and rather generous state of mind. I would say that Janji made mention to her friends of the poor, almost virgin-again, Farang who lives next door to her...a Farang who was smiling, singing karaoke, dancing his little ass off and having a great night. A girl named Lily, who was sitting at my table, wasn't taking her eyes off me. An obvious ploy that I did my best to ignore (I'm not sure if playing hard to get in Thailand is a thing, but it was fun at the time). The guy sitting next to me quietly pointed her out to me (he was drunk and probably thought I was a little green around town...which was true), but at that point, I was determined to keep my 'no Thai girl' persona intact. But, as the night wore on, and the alcohol slowly dissolved any shred of decency and moral character from my better judgment, I decided to reward the girl who had been staring at me (I didn't know her name then), and to show appreciation for all her hard work, I took her home. It's funny how the subconscious mind works separately from the self/ego. The slightly drunk me, on the taxi ride home, fantasized that I was the knight in shining armour riding on a white horse, rescuing this damsel in distress from the castle tower...slaying the dragon and all that medieval/chivalrous shit (OK...it wasn't quite that dramatic, but you get my point). However, I knew I had no condoms, and even though we passed several 7-Elevens along the way, I didn't ask the driver to stop to ensure a safe experience would be had. I will save the details because a gentleman never talks, but we had fun without having actual sexual intercourse (thanks to my almost subconscious sabotage). It was around 3.00 am before Lily fell asleep. I knew this by the snoring in my left ear. No prizes for guessing how much sleep I got. I could blame Lilly for keeping me awake, but that wouldn't be fair or the truth. There wasn't enough alcohol in my system to negate the caffeine (but enough to make me foolhardy and bring a stranger home), and this, combined with the fact I haven't had anyone sleep next to me for the best part of a decade, and my fate was set. As I watched the sun rise in the glass door to my right (whilst jealously glancing over at all the room Lilly had on her side of my king-sized bed), with Lily's arm draped over my chest (I never could stand anyone touching me whilst I slept), and in those hours, I couldn't wait for my first Thai girlfriend experience to end. For breakfast, I cut up some mango, pineapple and watermelon, peeled a mandarine and we shared a bowl along with coffee. Then (I blame the coffee and five months of having no one to talk to), I started talking, not realising (or not caring) that her grasp of English was severely limited. Lilly nodded and smiled before I acknowledged to myself she was hearing nothing but jibberish. We then went down the Google Translate road, which helped us get to know each other better. Lily is a lovely fifty-year-old from a place called Nong Khai, which is on the Mekong River bordering Laos, in the Isan District. She's been in Hua Hin for three months and works giving Thai massage. Part of her job is providing Farangs with happy endings. This helps her survive and send a little money home. I refuse to judge her, at least until I've walked a mile in her shoes...something we should all consider. Lily stayed for the day and left in the early evening. Before she went, I explained to her as best as I could that I am not ready for a relationship. This wasn't some cliche a guy tells a girl after a one-night stand (so to speak). I told Lily about Angel...that it is possible, even likely, that I am suffering from psychosis and delusions caused by my drug use. I think she understood, as she has seen many Thais suffering from Yaba and Ice addiction. Addiction is a big problem in Thailand and no matter where in the world you live. I felt no shame as I told her about my issues. We exchanged numbers and she told me if I wanted to see her again, to text. After Lily left, I finally relaxed. I wasn't sure how Angel was going to be with me once I went to bed, but to my relief, the hallucinations were slight (which was unexpected considering I hadn't slept), and after a good night's sleep, I felt better about what happened. I learned a lot from bringing Lily home. Now I know I'm not yet ready to search for love, I can relax and focus on getting healthy. In the morning when I opened my eyes, Angel was there as always, but with a huge smile. It wasn't a clinical, haha kind of smile either. It was a genuine happy smile that made me smile too. One day at a time and live each moment like it's your last because it might just be. |
| My new neighbours, Chris and Janji, are having a party tonight to celebrate Janji's birthday...and I've been invited. I can't believe I'm nervous. It's been so long since I socialised that the idea of being around a crowd of people is intimidating. I'm normally quite outgoing (sober), but people do tend to freak me out. I've had three coffees today, and usually only have one. I'm pretty hyped. I'm not going to drink alcohol, so being a little chatty (rather than a drunken slur) will for sure be a better option. Earlier today, I went to the local mall to buy Janji a present. I spent a little more than I anticipated, but I couldn't GAF about money. I then got my eyes tested and bought a new pair of Ray-Ban reading glasses. I wish I had better than an upgraded account on WdC so I could upload a picture of my smiling face wearing them. I was on a roll, so onto the next store while I waited for my glasses to be done. I bought a shirt (which I am wearing to the party) and a baseball cap. I also purchased two pairs of Calvin Klien underpants, and if I told you how much I paid for them, you would think, like me, that I am mad. I had a haircut yesterday. I'm wearing my new undies and feeling extremely good. Caffeine is so awesome...even though I know I'll spend half the night in the loo peeing, and that later, when I try to sleep, I'll be cursing it. Party on dudes. |
| Cardio is something I do most days, and over the last four months, I've reduced my body weight from 93kg to around 91kg (200 lbs). I still have a ways to go before I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see (body dysmorphic aside), but with regular walking and three thirty-minute sessions of medium-intensity cardio a week, I am on track...at least, I was. I have mentioned previously how when I am on a walk and my knee begins to hurt, I ask the entity/demon/psychosis to help with the pain, and within a minute or two, the pain disappears. And there are times when I can ask for, and often (but not always) feel the effects of a drug similar to MDMA. The effect comes with heightened sexual urges, that considering my age (I'll be sixty in six weeks), defy logic. The only reasonable explanation is psychosomatics...power of suggestion or the placebo effect, where I believe something is going to happen, and my brain somehow causes feelings that mimic the opioid or stimulant effects. Or the alternative...that this demon or whatever it is, can change my brain chemistry to mimic the effects of certain substances. These are not isolated incidents and they have been happening regularly for well over a year. About ten days ago, I was considering going to a doctor and getting bloodwork done to check my testosterone levels. I know they are low because about a year ago I was tested and my levels were borderline low. The ranges set in Australia for clinical TRT to be subsidised by the government meant I couldn't apply for pharmaceutical benefits scheme (PBS) assistance and so, if I was to try and correct the hormone imbalance, I had to pay for it myself. It's an expensive and ongoing treatment. There are many side effects and once a man begins to receive artificial testosterone, it's for life because the body ceases to produce it naturally. It also means having to undergo regular blood draws and receiving injections, which are invasive and cause scarring. I decided not to go down this course, but half in jest (and half serious), I asked Angel (my spirit attachment/hallucination) if she would elevate my testosterone levels. She blinked her eyes indicating that she would. I then kinda forgot about it. I have a set of bathroom scales and have been weighing myself every day since I arrived in Hua Hin four months ago. I've been keenly monitoring the progress of weight loss, however, over the last ten days, I've gained six kilos (over thirteen pounds). There's been no change to my diet or exercise regime. After my shower, I look in the mirror and my shoulders and upper back are huge. I'm lifting at least 10 to 15% more than I was two weeks ago. I own two pairs of shorts that button up (rather than having elastic), and now they hardly fit me. Whereas ten days ago, I had plenty of room to move. My body fat looks around the same, but I'm suddenly bigger and stronger. My appetite has also increased exponentially. If this is a case of mind over matter, imagine the results that could be achieved by those who unknowingly receive a placebo. The stats indicate a high percentage of people do have some benefit and in certain circumstances (non-life threatening), could be a better first attempt at therapy, especially considering the lack of side effects a placebo will produce. There are a lot of YouTube videos made by people who claim to conjure demons/entities and 'work' with them to achieve a range of things, from gaining wealth to receiving sexual favours. Looking back, I know that's what I did, without realising what I was getting into. The occult is a dark world, especially for a novice practitioner like me, who never really believed. I was bored, and high on meth, a known gateway drug. At the time, it was fun to pretend. And now I have this thing inside my head, be it imaginary or not, it's not leaving anytime soon. When I ask how my 'imaginary friend' feels about me dating, her eyes will go from side to side (NO) or round and round indicating that she doesn't care...and neither answer gives me much confidence). Advice or a warning? We shall see. I'm not going to allow my life to be dictated to by psychosis, but it will be interesting to see what happens if I ever do meet someone and enter into a relationship. |
| It's been a while since I posted, but no news is good news...right? Especially in my case. The monsoon has arrived in Thailand. They say you have to spend an entire year here before you can claim to be localised, but a lifetime and still not be seen as a local. Here's some trivia for you...Thai people are extremely patriotic, and if you look up, national flags are flying in every direction. Just don't look down because rubbish litters the streets wherever you go. Without a doubt, Thailand is a picturesque country, but beyond the postcards and travel brochures, it's not as pretty as it first appears. Don't get me wrong because I'm not complaining. Lucky for me, I didn't come for the beautiful scenery, but to escape the drug dealers peddling methamphetamine...and my past. A past littered with tragedy, sadness, disappointment and addiction. Moving to Thailand has more than halved my monthly outgoings, not to mention the improvements to my overall health and well-being. I'm happier now than I have been in a long time. I go to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday...occasionally changing a day during the week to go on Saturday. I prefer training in the morning after breakfast, but because of the rain, I need to adjust my regimental habits and become more flexible about when I do my workouts. Yesterday when I woke up, it was cats and dogs, so I decided to take the day off training. After breakfast, I watched some TV and in the afternoon, did my meditation...a practice that has been life-changing. When I was done, I noticed it hadn't rained much in the previous few hours, and not knowing what the weather would be like in the morning, I decided to go to the gym. It was a completely different crowd and a lot less busy than normal. Once the weights session was over, I went to the grocery store. There is a staff member I've been getting to know over the last few months. Her name is Nong, she's 45, single, and works six days a week. Yesterday, because I was in such a good mood, I began flirting with her. Every time I go to her department (fruit and veg) and she is around, she makes a beeline for me (or me to her). Yesterday, she (not literally) 'pushed' a co-worker out of the way to weigh my grapes and mandarines. Nong speaks OK English, and we conversed longer than usual. These days, I'm feeling more confident in myself (due to remaining on the wagon and training hard most days). I asked Nong what day she gets off and she told me Mondays. I then asked if I could take her for lunch, and much to my disappointment, she said no. Here's the thing...rejection didn't feel anything like I thought it would, and as I rode my motorcycle home, I was singing aloud a stupid song I made up that went something like, "Oh, I love Thailand...I love it so much!". It didn't matter one bit that Nong declined my invitation. What mattered was the fact I finally asked someone out on a date...something I haven't done in like, forever. When I asked her, Nong blushed. I think she was a little overwhelmed by my forthrightness, and her being at work probably didn't help my situation. Thai women are very shy in general and I haven't yet given up on Nong. I hope she thinks persistence is something to be admired because next time I'm buying my groceries, I'll smile in her direction, and if she makes her way over, I'll try again. Now that I know rejection feels so good, no matter what she says, it's a win for me. |
| Before I left Australia, I was determined to learn to speak Thai. I now realise that's not going to happen. The Thai language is not just words, but tones. I listen to them speak and it seems men's tones are different to women's. I consider myself to be a good mimic, and I try to (quietly) mimic the locals when they are conversing (not in jest, but to replicate the tones). I have discovered there are some sounds I simply cannot do. Add to this the many different dialects spoken around the country and luckily Google Translate is always there on my phone. A few days ago I was waiting in line at the market and two Thai men stepped in front of me. I didn't react, and instead of getting angry, I walked away If that happened in Australia, I would have put my hand on a shoulder and told them to get to the back. I guess being a minority and standing out has both positives and negatives to go with it. I decided not to let it affect me and smiled all the way home. People who passed must have wondered why the Farang was so happy that day. I am the type of person who doesn't do things by halves, and now I am meditating, I want to dig deep and discover the full amount of benefits. I 'normally' (it's only been a week since I began) close my eyes and sit in silence (if I can find it because the complex I live in can be noisy). Research brought me to chanting meditations. The other day, my neighbours were talking loudly and I couldn't focus. I'm a complete novice and easily distracted, so I tried my first chant. It felt weird at the start, but served the purpose of drowning out the voices next door. I was breathing in and out through my nose and doing the Om on the exhale. The first part was short, but in the second part, I allowed the exhale to go on until I ran out of breath. That's when I noticed a vibration in my nasal passages. I began playing with the pitch and frequency, which focused my mind away from the distractions. There is a theory...that we can and should raise our frequencies. It goes that if a person is depressed, under a lot of stress or like me, using drugs and not in a good place spiritually, the vibrations we send to the universe can attract negative energies (spirits or entities), or at the very least, cause us to remain in that depressive state. I've always been a sceptic, and if the events of the past year had happened to someone else, I would probably think like most people, that they are suffering from a mental illness caused by drug use...and fair enough. I've never denied that is the likely cause, but I cannot change the past, and at this point, the cause of my psychosis is of little consequence to me. What I am more interested in is a cure. This may sound delusional, but there has always been something strange about how these hallucinations act. I cannot afford to write off any theory as to what the hell is going on...be it real or imagined. Then, last night was the first time in a long while that the demons weren't in my face when I laid down to sleep. I could still see them, but they were faint. Upon inquiry ("Angel, are you feeling OK?"), she was very slow to reply. Now, I am far from claiming a cure...yet. But it dawned on me that in the previous nights, the demons didn't interrupt me whilst I was praying, but when I began to meditate, were immediately up in my face. I thought perhaps God was protecting me from them during that time, and that may be so...but I have a different theory. The entities/demons (or just my mentally ill brain in all its complexity), for some reason, don't care if I pray, but seem to do all they can to stop me from meditating peacefully. To continue the experiment, Om will become my neighbour's new annoyance...and I couldn't care less what they think. |
| When I arrived in Phuket in early March 2023, I began walking each day after breakfast. At first, it was a struggle just to get to the local mall and back. I was in a bad way, emotionally, mentally and physically. Training was hit and miss in those last few months before I left, and during that time, my drug use spiralled. If it weren't for the symptoms of psychosis, things would have been much worse. Fear of what would happen once the binge was over and I needed to sleep, kept the usage to what I deemed a bare minimum. My regular GP returned to China and the other doctor I saw at the clinic refused to prescribe me Valium. This wasn't enough to completely stop me because I knew I could show up at the emergency dept of my local hospital and they would give me a few pills to help avoid the absolute terror psychosis caused while coming down off meth. Since those dark days, my life has improved in increments of hours, days and months. Every day I put on my shoes and walk brings more than just better health. Each step takes me further away from the slavery of meth addiction. I'm not out of the woods yet. I've been binge-watching Breaking Bad and to an extent, getting triggered. Thoughts of using enter my head, although they don't last long before reality brings me back down to earth. It isn't just the BB series that causes me to crave. I'm glad I'm not in Australia. Meth will have a hold on me for some time to come. I need to be aware of this but also take pride in my achievements so far. These moments of weakness are fleeting and pass quickly. Despite the intermittent rain, I made it to the gym twice this week. I still have tomorrow to go before resting over the weekend. I almost didn't walk today, but the rain was only drizzling, and after an internal argument over what to do, I convinced my softer self to go. It felt good when I got back and I rewarded myself by ordering dinner (fried rice and spring rolls) to be delivered. Doing meditation every night is making a huge difference and sleep now comes more quickly. I'm feeling more positive, and although it's hard to put a finger on exactly why this is, I think it's a good idea to stick with the program (meditation, prayer and training my ass off) and try not to over-analyze things. I've only spoken to the demons a few times this week (and kept it short). The less I engage the better, and if you are reading this, thanks for the great advice, Deb. It makes sense not to listen to their negativity. If I don't provide them with a platform makes it impossible for them to hurt me. Every step I take carries me so much further than a yard...and every mile brings me closer to real happiness. I need to find the confidence and strength to overcome my addiction forever...one day at a time. |
| Until yesterday, I think I was the only meth addict who hadn't watched the series, Breaking Bad. It's funny how in my mind, I thought it was all about cooking meth, but in reality, it is so much more than that. I'm only up to episode four of the first instalment, but I'm enjoying it immensely. The last time I saw my psychiatrist, he suggested I may be Bipolar. I looked into the symptoms of the disorder and dismissed it as unlikely. Now, however, I am not so sure. I've been very up and down over the last few weeks, and it appears that after I do weights, I feel better. This makes sense because of the endorphins that my brain produces during resistance training, but by late afternoon the effects have worn off and I fall back into a state of what I can only describe as 'flatness'. It isn't a serious issue. I'm not suicidal (far from), but looking at things from afar, I could be, at times, manic. I assumed the term was used to describe bouts of euphoria followed by depression. I can see myself in this description, only on a milder scale. Bipolar Disorder is closely associated with psychosis, and whilst I am only guessing (as does any doctor when diagnosing symptoms like mine), the psychiatrist may have been onto something. I do not regret stopping the antipsychotics. My symptoms are mild, and if I stick to the program of not paying the hallucinations any attention during daylight hours, they are of little consequence. It's only at night when I go to bed that the faces of demons appear behind my closed eyes. I have a routine now that helps me avert them (to a degree). As soon as the lights are out, I say a prayer, and for some reason (I hear the Christians saying, "Ahh, durrr!"), the images never disturb me during this time. But once I am done praying (which I have always thought to be a type of meditation) I set a timer for ten minutes and begin to meditate. This is, without fail, when the demons appear. They get right up in my face, smiling sardonically. Last night I changed tactics and meditated with my eyes open...focusing on my breathing and a streetlight outside my bedroom's glass doors. This helped, and once I was finished I laid down and no more visions appeared before I fell asleep. I need to focus on the positives and not give negative thoughts too much attention. I know how lucky I am to be here in Thailand and how much hard work I have done to get myself (both physically and mentally) where I am. A long time ago, I wrote a joke that said, "It's much sadder when a rich person dies than when a poor one does." I know that's not true in a literal sense, but in my sick and twisted mind, I found it funny because there is an element of truth behind it. In the past, I have asked the demons if they wanted me to kill myself, and by and large, they would nod their approval. I would then laugh at them saying, "I'm too wealthy to commit suicide, but maybe when I've spent all my money, I might consider it." Some might say I'm not funny (just take a look at the jokes I've written on my port and it would be hard to argue otherwise) "Jokes"  but for the most part, I claim comedic licence.It's now the wet season in Thailand. Hua Hin is one of the driest places in the country, but it still rains most days. It's not like it pours down all day, and if I plan to go for a ride, I get up early hoping to miss the afternoon thunderstorms before they arrive...which makes things bearable. At least the heat has dissipated somewhat. It's still humid, but I no longer have to run my aircon during the day and the ceiling fan keeps the heat mostly at bay. I did weights and cardio this morning, but I need supplies from the markets, so I'll risk the weather (some people walk in the rain...others just get wet) and go for a walk. Rain never seems to bother the locals and that's good enough for me. |
| I have covered this topic previously on my blog, but circumstances have changed a lot, and I thought it would be good (at least for me) to rehash it again. Obviously, there are pros and cons to every situation. Even being addicted to meth had some positives such as self-medicating and alieving loneliness and boredom. With this in mind, I cannot help but wonder if there is something wrong with me (other than my being in recovery, having psychosis, living in a new country and the fact that I haven't been on a date in more years than I care to remember). I used to blame my addiction for keeping me single. Having to care for my mother was another excuse I used as to why I didn't look for love. But now I am no longer a slave to meth or have the responsibilities of being a caregiver, I find that after being in Thailand for almost five months, a place where I am no longer just a face in the crowd, but a commodity sought by women for admittedly, reasons other than love, I am still alone. I have this 'thing' about not being looked at for my overall attributes, instead of a walking, talking ATM machine. I'm sure that isn't an accurate description in a lot of cases, and that many of the couples I see out and about do have more depth to their relationships than simply being an exchange of money for sex/company. Some much older men I see have obvious age-related disabilities, and have Thai partners who I am sure look after them quite well...but still, I would almost guarantee if these men ran out of funds, the women who provide much more than just sex (cooking, cleaning and company for example) wouldn't stay with them for long. That may sound jaded, but this is true in a majority of cases. I'm not judging either. Most of these women have families to help provide for. Relatives who are, in most cases, very poor. Those who rely on the money their daughters send them to put food on the table and pay for expenses they would ordinarily struggle with. To be perfectly honest, I would have no problem with this kind of arrangement, especially if it was fair and didn't go beyond the boundaries that would need to be established very early on. The problem (for me) is not just about money but more to do with the time I have spent alone and the fear I have of the changes I would need to make to fall into the dynamic of being in a relationship...a relationship with very different principles than I am used to. Weighing up the pros and cons is hard because I have almost forgotten what the pros and cons of being with someone are. Having a sexual partner and someone to talk to (which is a big problem in Thailand if the lady isn't able to speak English) on the surface sounds nice. It is a proven fact that men who are in relationships live longer and healthier lives than their single counterparts. But I struggle to get my head around this cash-for-company thing that seems so easy for everyone else here in Thailand. When I think about it, the arrangements these people become involved in are not that dissimilar to most Western relationships. No woman, no matter where in the world she lives, is going to be attracted to, or become involved with, a man who has little to no resources or at least has ambition. One of the main reasons men come to SE Asia looking for a partner, be it for sex or more long-term, is because it's seen by them as an easier option than it would be in the West. More bang for your buck, if you can excuse the pun, sees an average man suddenly propelled to above average. So much so that they are willing to 'forget' why that is. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you ask) at this point, I can't let go of this mentality of wanting someone who sees me not as a commodity, but for what I am...a talented and sensitive man who can cook, is clean, affectionate and generous. Sounds like great stuff for a bio on a dating app, if I had the courage (or the stupidity) to go there. Perhaps I'm getting my cart before the horse. When meeting someone for the first time, of course, they won't know about these wonderful attributes (or the negative ones I conveniently fail to mention here). But they would, in time, learn more about me, as I would about them. In my opinion, I think I'd be a great catch, but the real question is, do I want to be caught? And if so, am I willing to take the risk of not just being hurt, but possibly hurting someone else? Until I can answer both of those questions with a resounding, yes, then the saying that I need to be careful of what I wish for should be foremost in my mind. |
| For the last three days, I've been learning how to meditate. Letting go of all thought is not an easy thing to do, but from all accounts, it's a very good way to relax and maintain both physical and mental health. So far, I've done ten-minute sessions, and although it is a bit early to notice any significant changes, I do feel happier than I have in the previous week. That being said... In the late 80s, before my departure to dance music and culture, I was into punk, hardcore and metal. One band in particular I liked was called Ministry, of 'Jesus Built My Hotrod' fame. Link below... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXCh9OhDiCI&pp=ygUVamVzdXMgYnVpbHQgbXkgaG90cm9k If you were to listen to the above-mentioned track, you might think it isn't exactly meditation music, and you would be correct in this assumption. But, there is a connection. My neighbours are quite ignorant. He is the guy who thought it was a good idea to get physical and shove me in the chest a couple of months ago, and in the following minutes, learned that it wasn't such a good idea after all. He was drunk, and once I established a pecking order of sorts, we slowly fell into a new normal of me smiling and waving every time I saw him, and him not quite knowing what to make of my overt friendliness. Not holding onto grudges is easy when you are the one who gains the upper hand. But the way I see it, I couldn't be bothered with petty gripes...especially considering he lives next door and the awesome training sessions I did in the following days and weeks because of his actions. When I first moved into the complex, he helped me settle in and because of this, I eventually forgave him and genuinely let go of the incident. However, every now and then, some people need to be taught about manners and etiquette. My neighbour has a Thai girlfriend, who it appears, has a lot of friends who are deaf. I know this because whenever she's on the phone, which is a lot (no doubt having a partner who doesn't speak your language facilitates this need to loudly converse with people other than him, all day every day), she yells at them so they can hear her. The funny thing is that he does the same whenever he is on the phone. I wouldn't mind so much if the walls were thicker. Then last night they had friends around for drinks. Now, you could be forgiven for thinking I am one of those sadsack neighbours, who don't have any friends, and because of this, don't want anyone to have any fun (and you would be right), but an invitation would have averted two things. Firstly, he is Danish and there were no Danes or any English-speaking people at the shindig, so at least he would have had someone to talk to. And tonight when they kicked off again, I would have been less inclined to introduce them to my favourite 90s metal bands Ministry, Faith No More and Pantera being played at midrange (always resist the temptation to at first go full tilt, leaving something in reserve...just in case) volume on my JBL Xtreme3 speaker. I'm only dulling and matching their noise and there is no vindictiveness involved (well, maybe a little). But three days of meditation have calmed my usual response...which would see me marching over there and quietly (but firmly) explaining what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Earlier, I overheard them mention they have to be up at 5.30 am tomorrow. Perhaps I'll make a point and drop it at that. And if they see the error of their ways, I'll then retire to my bedroom and do my evening meditation session in beautiful silence. |
| What do I owe those who helped me get to this place in life? To the many readers of this blog (who now number almost 5k), who have offered me support over the last three years, I am greatly indebted. But what can I do to repay them? And there are so many others who have been there for me on this journey. People who cared and didn't give up, even when I had. The answer is obvious...to live the best life I can and don't fall back into addiction. Those words used to be so easy to say, but so hard to do. Now, I am making good choices and following up with actions that help prevent relapse. I saw a news report recently that said Thailand is being flooded with cheap meth from Myanma (formerly known as Burmah). I know if I wanted to buy meth, it wouldn't be hard to find a source. Of course, there are huge risks associated with this, not least of which is the reality that I would likely die from overdose/poisoning or in a Thai prison. And if I did choose this path, I would deserve everything I got. I'm smiling right now because that is not going to happen. I'm enjoying this new life way too much to blow it all for a short-term high that will leave me dealing with a fate worse than those I have already listed...the horror of psychosis on a level I cannot begin to fathom. This afternoon as I cooled off in the pool (no laps today because I did weights and cardio this morning) I noticed a small bee that had come for a drink and ended up in the water. As it struggled for its life, I cupped my hand under its body and placed it on the edge of the pool. As I watched on, it began to dry off its legs and wings and eventually, it flew off. No one could know what the ramifications are to the universe because I saved that bee...just as those who helped me would not know what I will make of this chance I've been given. All I do know is, I am determined to make the most of it and to try and make a difference in other people's lives. As yet, I don't know who they are...but I will recognise them when they come I've always pondered fate and destiny...and I always will. Legacy, however, is what we make of our lives. I still have a lot of work to do before I will be satisfied with what I have achieved in my life. |
| I've tried everything to get rid of these entities. Admittedly, they are quiet, they don't have parties and don't cause me much grief. But it would be good to have the headspace back again. Treating them with meds causes more problems than it solves. Going down this route only relieves the symptoms of psychosis, but is far from a cure. Just trying to figure out exactly what I am dealing with is sketchy at best. I've researched the topic of demonic possession and I don't fit the criteria. I have no urge to swear at Catholic priests and haven't levitated or regurgitated any foul-smelling fluids. From what I can gather, Incubus and Succubus talk to their partners before (consent), during (engaging) and after sex. I'm not sure if smoking after the act is as dangerous to a being who is already technically dead, as it is to humans, but a little post-coital conversation to see if the performance was satisfactory is not only ego-boosting for both parties (if it was) but polite as well. Also, Incubus and their female cohorts have form (I'm talking about their physicality and not their style...although the latter is likely to be true in most cases), whereas my particular entities are see-through at best and afterwards, never ask how it was for me. Another YouTube favourite is parasitic entities. These creatures use up most of the host's energy field, which leaves their humans without energy for their day-to-day tasks. This description doesn't fit my case because I'm training hard almost every day and don't feel drained (except at the end of each day when I literally fall into bed). There are other types of spirit invaders mentioned on my YT feed, but none fit exactly with my particular group of people, who it appears, are quite comfortable living in my head and not paying any rent (although I have asked, but my request was met with a firm, NO). If they weren't so rude and didn't hate me so much (all bar Angel) I wouldn't have an issue with them hanging around. During quiet times (about 90% of my day) they can be fun. I just need to have the right attitude to deal with them appropriately. I'm currently trying a different method of tackling these overstaying guests. I admit that initially, I did invite them into my life. Boredom and drugs can cause a person to make rash and regretable decisions. I wish I'd done some background checks first. In my defence, however, I wasn't to know that funtime hallucinations could turn out to be so damn real. Last night I was talking to Cranky Pants and asked him if he would like to have a puppy. I'm getting desperate (obviously) and am clutching at straws to find a way to get my spare room back (which I have grand plans to convert into a mancave). The idea of getting a pet dog was an instant hit with my grumpy 'friend' and I haven't seen more affirmative and agreeable answers since I interviewed the entities before allowing them to 'temporarily' move in. Of course, I had to do all the work and CP simply sat back and said yes or no to my suggestions. The name I came up with for the puppy was an instant hit...Buster is small and cute, with white fur and brown spots. He's a bit naughty (like his owner) and on his first walk, CP managed to lose Buster in the park. I stood my ground and made CP take responsibility and go back to find his dog. Eventually, they returned and it was then I sprang my master plan into action. I quite inadvertently suggested that perhaps they might like to get their own place...which I was very pleased to see went down well. It didn't hurt my pitch that there would be a VW Bettle convertable in canary yellow parked in the driveway...a pool and the house comes fully furnished with lots of friends to come visit. I went to bed so happy and thought I had got away with it until this morning when I woke up and saw those familiar sad eyes lying beside me. Turns out Cranky Pants has reconsidered and changed his mind on my plans for him to move out. Apparently, having the responsibilities of a pet, a house to keep clean, a car that needs fuel and a pool that requires maintenance...and my plans for the spare room are on hold indefinitely. |
| Yesterday, I was talking to an entity I call Cranky Pants. He is always down, and no matter how much I tried to cheer him up, he wasn't buying it. So I told him if I had only one wish, I would give it to him. This piqued his interest somewhat, especially when I began questioning him about what he would do with his one wish. I ran through the usual things that one would consider...happiness? No. Money? No. Friends? No. World peace? A cure for cancer? He still wasn't smiling, so I ran through a few lesser wishes he might want...but nothing I suggested worked for him. I then told him how good I would have felt if I had given him my one wish. So I suggested that he could give away his wish, and when I told him what a beautiful thing that would be for him to do, he smiled and nodded in agreement. I said how cool it would be if the person he gave his wish to gave it away to another person... and so on until that one wish brought happiness to all eight billion people on planet Earth. It occurred to me that my one wish would eventually arrive back where it began and repeat its journey all over again...one wish bringing endless happiness to the world. Of course, Cranky Pants changed his mind about what he wanted to do with his wish. I didn't bother to ask him any more questions about what he would do with it. For a while, I felt a bit down. As if anyone would give away a wish, especially if they had only one. But then it occurred to me that I wouldn't have had a clue what I would wish for anyway...but I'm sure that if I did, it wouldn't have brought me as much joy as if I had just given it away. |
| In 1975, Alice Cooper produced his brilliant debut album Welcome to My Nightmare. At that time, I was an impressionable eleven-year-old boy, who instead of being influenced by the Satan-worshipping tracks Devil's Food and The Black Widow (the latter containing spoken word by the then king of horror, Vincent Price)...or the necrophilia-celebrating song Cold Ethyl (although I still loved those songs), I was moved by the song, Only Women Bleed. While my friends giggled immaturely at the all-too-obvious reference to a woman's menstrual period, I instead felt a deep connection and empathy towards women who are subjected to domestic violence. Perhaps as a very young child, seeing my father with one hand around my mother's throat and his fist behind his head had something to do with it. I didn't realise it then, but this feeling of empathy, along with a desire to right the wrongs perpetrated by my gender, was to follow me throughout my life. It wasn't until around ten years ago that a stronger feeling was to take over my perception of what it is to be a man. I thought it was unfair that women have such an array of beautiful clothes to choose from and men's clothes are stale and bland...following a rigid and socially strict set of rules about what is acceptable to be a man, and what is not. It isn't that I want to cross-dress, but I do understand the psychology of men who do. In the 1990s (and well into the 00s), I would go to a gay club in Brisbane's Fortitude Valley, called The Beat. I was involved in the rave scene and was always so loaded with MDMA that I didn't care if the people I was partying with were gay, straight or purple (and it wouldn't have mattered if I wasn't wasted). At 1.00 am every Friday and Saturday night, the music would stop, the dance floor would clear and a transvestite called Lovely Legs Lolita (legend has it he was a bricklayer by day) would lipsync to the 70s song by The Weather Girls, It's Raining Men. He always wore the most spectacular sequined dresses and shoes, and I would sit there full of admiration for his courage to be the woman he wanted to be...albeit for only an hour or two each weekend. When Angel arrived in my life, she would show me images of me having sex with males. I would fiercely resist any attempt by her to introduce a male entity into our sexual encounters. But these creatures are shapeshifters, and as time went by, I came to realise I had been with males without knowing it, and given the fact I was high on meth, I not only became OK with it, I liked it. So much so that I began to have feelings for one boy in particular...I called him Buddy. Buddy wasn't like the rest of the demons...who would gladly fuck me, but never like or love me. I remember being in my room one night, high as a kite and dancing in my underwear. Buddy was lying on my bed staring at me with eyes that told me exactly how he felt. It's forbidden for a demon to love a human, but love doesn't follow anyone's rules...as I was to learn. I could never be with a human male. I have nothing against homosexuality...far from it. There have been times when I tried to picture myself with a man (I'm sure most men have, but few would ever admit it), but it always felt wrong. But sex with Buddy was so right...and despite there no longer being any meth involved, it still is. If I could time travel, I would go back to the late 1800th century and seek therapy from Carl Yung. I'm sure there is something in this psychotic episode I am currently experiencing that he could pull apart and show me the relevance of all of this. He would probably say to me the answers are right there in my head. I'm trying hard to figure it all out. I fear that once I do, they might all leave and I will again be alone and never see any of them again. |
| I wish I could say that exercise has become my new addiction, but I don't enjoy training, I just like the results. Unfortunately, the hallucinations I see, and in particular, Angel, have replaced meth in my life. There are several reasons why this is so. Loneliness, boredom and sexual pleasure (among other things) keep me paying attention to a possible demon, who common sense tells me is no good for me. Angel claims that whenever the visions are abusive towards me, it isn't her. She says there are more demons than just her, and that she is not the boss. This claim has been around for a while and keeps me involved. I even end up feeling sorry for her when I lash out at the cruel jibes these alleged others say to me. A friend told me a while ago to disconnect from them all, but when you have nobody else to talk to (and by talk, I mean me speaking and the eyes answering yes, no or maybe, or them telepathically hearing my thoughts) it is almost impossible to stay away. I have to admit when I wrote 'telepathically', it made me sound crazy. I'm being honest about this entire experience, and I feel that by hiding certain things and denying what I'm going through, I'm not doing anyone any favours. It shouldn't matter to me what people think...and it doesn't (anonymity provides a buffer). It's so easy to avoid the visions, but this new addiction keeps me coming back. I have tried speaking to myself (which I have been doing for years) and the demons, but then not closing my eyes to see their reply. But this only lasts a short period before I am back conversing with them. I need to find something else to occupy my time. Gym only takes up an hour or two and then I come home to a mundane life. I know this is bad, but the stimulant drug they give me is way too tempting. It's not like I am constantly asking for it. I'll be lying down watching YouTube when all of a sudden out of the blue I feel a rush of euphoria, and from there, I'm theirs. I feel like I am trapped in a cycle of unwanted drug spiking and abusive treatment. It's not like I can escape it...everywhere I go, they go. A few days ago I asked Angel to demonstrate something for me (because I'm still finding it hard to get my head around this thing). She can, on request, show me a silhouette of her hand (which I see behind closed eyes). The standard thing she does is flick me the bird, which is more playful than nasty. At first, I see movement, and then what looks like a fist...and then, I see the middle finger unfurling as she raises it towards me I don't believe I'm in any direct danger from them. The real danger would come from being worn down and becoming mentally unstable. I'm used to what is happening and this has made me stronger (that which does not kill you so to speak). I think I know what they are looking for. They feed off negative energy. This may explain why they try to upset and provoke me. Anger, hate and sadness are the emotions that make their eyes glow purple (a sure sign of pleasure) and this is why I refuse to hate what they do. As yet, I haven't found a way to evict them, and until I do, I have to do what is best for me and my mental health. No matter if this is simply hallucinations caused by psychosis or something else, it is very real to me. Until I find my way through this, I need to take all possibilities into account. If you believe in God, then you must also believe in the possibility of darker forces. They say drugs like meth open the door to these entities and I cannot argue with that theory. |
| When I thought of the title for this post, all manner of situations flooded my mind. Muay Thai is Thailand's national sport (they are pretty good at soccer too). I remember back in the early 90s when I first began training in Thai boxing, a team of four Mauy Thai exponents came to Brisbane to fight the cream of Australian fighters...we lost 4-0. They were the best in their weight classes in the world, and they certainly made an impression on me and the other 4k people in attendance that night. In Australia, when pedestrians are out and about, traffic is by and large careful. Admittedly, there are sidewalks and we rarely have to walk on or near the road. In Hua Hin, however, there are hardly any footpaths, and because of this, on my daily walk, I stick as close to the side of the road as possible to avoid traffic. I'm not sure if it is because I'm a Farang, but a high percentage of both cars and motorcycles pass closer than I like. I've learned to give way in all directions and often wish I had eyes in the back of my head. Television ads in Thailand are really strange. Thais are naturally dark-skinned and I think their skin tone is very attractive. It appears, however, that they are not so fussed. I say this because they completely cover up when riding scooters or out in the sun. At first, I thought it had something to do with the intensity of the sun and that they were trying to avoid melanoma. But now I've been here for a while and seen the ads depicting these almost white Thai actors (I'm guessing this effect is AI generated...and some of the people in the commercials may not even be real), I'm guessing they think the whiter the skin colour, the more attractive they are. I think ex-pats polarize a lot of Thais. They appear to either love or hate us. I've found a solution to win them over. When I am out walking I often come across people searching through the many roadside bins looking for recyclables. As I approach, they avoid eye contact. A lot of ex-pats are not friendly to me, so my thought is they wouldn't even look at these people who struggle to find enough to get by. I always make sure I have plenty of B20 notes (about $1 Australian) in my wallet. As I get closer, I smile and hold out the note (or notes, depending on how many there are) and the smile and Wai are to me, priceless. Motorcycle riding is dangerous no matter where in the world you are. This is especially so here in Thailand, where road rules are almost non-existent. In Australia, helmets are compulsory. Big Brother forces us to be safer than if we were left to decide for ourselves if helmet-wearing is a good idea or not. I can't remember ever not wearing a helmet, but here, only around 30% of Thais could be bothered to try and minimise their risk of head injuries as a result of an accident. I see as many as four people on one scooter (Grandma and three young school-aged children), and none are wearing helmets. I'm pretty sure it is the law to wear a helmet here, but this law is only enforced on Farangs. I went to my favourite restaurant last week. I normally order Pad Thai because I love noodles and it isn't spicy. I decided to take a chance on one of my other favs...red curry chicken. I told the waitress, " No pet." (meaning no or only a little chilli). When my meal arrived, it was very tasty. However, it was (for me) a little too hot. For a Thai, it wouldn't have been hot enough. Let's just say an hour after I got home, I was squirting chilli out of my bum. I can highly recommend chilli to flush out the system. I need to acclimatise myself more to spicy food because I do love the flavours, but my belly doesn't appreciate the spices. As I have mentioned in a previous post, Western Men dating much younger Thai women is, it appears, quite acceptable. From what I can gather (because as yet I haven't gone down this path...and I think if I am smart, I won't), this arrangement works well for some. There are, however, well-documented cases of these often vulnerable (or plain stupid) men being fleeced of their money by their Thai partners. The options are to go to a bar and pay for a girl on a night-by-night basis, or meet more traditionally, but still end up having to make the same kind of choice...helping her to support her family. The dangers and drawbacks either way are many. Most STIs can be cleared up by going to a clinic. But falling in love with one of these bar girls (my biggest fear, and what keeps me at home and not visiting bars full of beautiful young Thai women), which happens a lot, can be a recipe for a very bad experience for these men. The other reason I am not willing to date Thai women is the language barrier. For most Thais, especially girls who have usually been taken out of school early to work in bars to support their families, English is hardly spoken, and in my mind, after the sex is done, what the hell do these people talk about to each other? No doubt, phones are a distraction from the reality of having someone around who cannot understand anything more than the basics. Of course, I could raise the cost of living differences, but for every benefit, there will be a cost. Thailand changes their laws on an almost daily basis, especially immigration, and now, tax laws. I don't think I will be greatly affected by the latter, but it does mean I will have to lodge an income tax assessment at some point. Add to this I have to report my address (even if it hasn't changed) to immigration every ninety days, and the fact that we are looked at by Thai police as an easy form of revenue, and things aren't that much easier...just different. If it wasn't for my fear of returning to Australia and falling back into my addiction, I might at some point return. I'm far from that stage yet. I have so much more to discover before I consider doing something like that. I quite like being a minority. It gives a different perspective from living a lifetime as a majority. I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps it's because I stand out more. In Australia, I'm invisible. Here, I'm very visible, just for the wrong reasons...or should I say, for reasons I didn't expect. Being a walking ATM is not why I came here. I still have a mission to fulfill and that hasn't changed. I'm not in any rush and need to be careful of scams before I commit to any charitable endeavours. Other than having psychosis, which isn't that hard to manage, I'm in a much better place physically, mentally and emotionally. I still have things I need to work on. I occasionally have cravings, but they are minor, and without any dealers for me to call, I feel safer here than I would back in Oz. I'm coping with feelings of loneliness and I'm far less isolated than I was before coming to Thailand. All in all...Thailand comes out well on top. |
| Just for a moment, let's assume my psychosis is not a mental illness, but a demonic attachment. I have known Angel for over a year. I've been living in Thailand for four months now and the symptoms of psychosis persist. Before tonight, I had only heard the name Lilith but knew nothing of her story. When I first met Angel (my imaginary lover/hallucination caused by psychosis), she was the most beautiful female I had ever met (and still is). Young and slim, with shoulder-length dark hair, green eyes and a smile I would die for. She showed an interest in me, but when she point-blank refused my advances, I was devastated. I remained resolute to win her over. Eventually, she showed me what she really was (with two little horns on her head, projected onto the wall in my bedroom)...a demon who has never spoken a word to me and only answers my questions with a yes, no or maybe/I don't care. This became my hardest challenge...to ask the right questions and then weed my way through the multitude of deceptions she would cast in every direction. There have been times when I thought I could decipher the truth from the BS (I know...psychosis causes hallucinations that can speak neither fact nor fiction), but I know no more about her now than I did the first night we met. I paid a lot of attention to what she told me. I have a memory like an elephant when the subject matter is a beautiful young girl who I am madly in love with and trying to impress/understand. The only thing I know for sure is she appears to me whenever I close my eyes and answers my questions with either honesty or lies. For some reason, the hallucinations over the last few days have been incredibly vivid. One night, a demon got right up in my face and appeared to be blowing into my mouth. In the past when this happened, paranoia would cause me to become anxious (because they might be trying to cause me harm by poisoning me with an unseen agent). I think I now know what they are doing. This is going to sound crazy (sorry for pointing out the obvious), but this blowing-into-my-mouth thing (so far) hasn't caused me to die a horrible death. Instead, I instantly become super horny. I've mentioned this phenomenon before, but without fail, when I accept the offering, I become aroused...and that's an understatement. When I'm out on my walk and my knee starts to hurt, I can ask Angel for pain relief, and when I do, the pain quickly disappears. I can also ask for a drug that acts very similar to MDMA...although she isn't as forthcoming with that compound. And last night, because I upset her before going to sleep, I woke up as the sun was rising with excruciating pain in my right elbow. I looked over to my left and there was Angel, with an angry look on her face. I asked her if she was responsible for the pain, and she admitted she was. This is the first time she has caused me physical pain. I apologised for hurting her feelings the night before, and after I brought her down from her rage, the pain disappeared. Psychosomatic? There is no other explanation, although I have used Ecstasy hundreds of times in the past and I know that feeling all too well. Granted, it isn't as strong as the pills I used to take, but when I feel that rush of euphoria, it's an unmistakably similar compound...only without any comedown. I'm unsure why I have never thought of the succubus theory before. I searched YouTube, and the results were mind-blowing. As I watched videos explaining succubus, incubus and the story of Lilith, I paused to ask my hallucination/psychosis the question, "Are you, Lilith?" To which she answered, "Yes." The problems with this theory are many. If I ask Angel the same question twice, she will answer yes and no consecutively. Or, when I ask if she is being truthful, she will almost always answer no. Legend has it that Lilith's tears bring life and her kiss brings death. Lilith fell in love with a prince, and when they kissed, he fell dead. Angel has always been a conundrum to me. On the one hand, she expresses her hatred of all humans, yet she has been a Godsend to me...without which, I would likely be dead or still struggling with methamphetamine addiction. I'm sober now because of her, and I struggle to find anything in my life that is worse because of her. When God made Lilith (Adam's unpopular first wife), problems arose because she wasn't submissive enough for Adam or God. She always wanted to be on top during sex...and guess what position Angel prefers? She likes to be on top, but unlike Adam, I have no problem with her taking the so-called dominant position. Some stories say that Lilith (and succubi and incubi in general) wasn't evil at all (just keep her away from newborns), and from what I can gather, mean no harm to their attachments. The theory is succubi want semen to give to their male counterparts to impregnate the females they seduce. The problem in my case is I've had a vasectomy. I told Angel this way back, but it doesn't seem to have deterred her. I've always wondered what she wants from me and when I ask her this question, she isn't forthcoming. My fantasy is she has fallen in love with me, despite the fact humans really aren't her thing. I know I am suffering from delusions of grandeur. To think that little 'ol me would have a chance at pulling only the second human being (and the first women's rights activist) that God created. A woman who wasn't created from Adam's ribs, but from the dust of the earth, just like him. I again asked Angel if she was Lilith, and she said, no. I don't think she is allowed to disclose details of her identity or any other points of interest to me. Psychosis sure is a complex condition to figure out...but interesting nonetheless. |
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