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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Considering I am a (former) meth addict, I don't use many drugs. Marijuana makes me paranoid and alcohol turns me into an asshole. I quit both drugs many years ago. Cigarettes are not, and never were, my thing, and after a brief time smoking in my teens, I stopped and never went back. A broken femur when I was seventeen saw me become addicted to painkilling opioids like Pethadine and Omnopon. But once the leg healed enough so that I no longer required any painkilling injections, I never used opioids again. I've never been a fan of pharmaceuticals and only ever took them for the purpose they were prescribed. When I arrived in Thailand one year ago, I could go to any pharmacy in Phuket and buy Benzodiazapam without a prescription. The drug helped me cope with the withdrawals from meth and the acute psychosis I was experiencing at that time. Once I moved to Hua Hin, I stopped using Valium. It's unavailable over the counter here and I realised I was becoming dependent on them. The symptoms of psychosis, whilst diminishing over time, continued after moving to Hua Hin, so I went to see a Psychiatrist who prescribed an antipsychotic called Seroquel. The drug only made my symptoms worse, and after just a few weeks, I decided to discontinue using it. It wasn't just the increased hallucinations that brought me to that decision. The side effects were overwhelming. I developed a movement disorder in my legs, akathisia and a dry mouth. Fear of gaining weight also played a part. In short, the negative effects far outweighed any promised benefits and after three days of withdrawals, I swore I would never take antipsychotics again. These days, I only take one medication (Cialis) for erectile dysfunction, and I've started to notice some side effects. Once again, the issue is with my legs, and after taking the drug, I feel a dull ache in my quadriceps. I also experience pain in my feet, which could be gout. Cialis doesn't just help with ED. It also helps with urination issues associated with an enlarged prostate. Nada is convinced I don't need to take Cialis and recommends ginger and garlic. ED isn't a major issue (for her), but taking a medication like Cialis doesn't just help me physically, but mentally as well. It gives me confidence in the bedroom and the feeling that I won't 'fail' my girlfriend. While I know that isn't an issue for her, as a man who cares about having a satisfying sexual relationship, it does play on my mind. If there is one thing that's a constant when taking meds, it's that nothing comes for free and there will always be a price to pay for any benefit gained. |
| I haven't posted in five days, and after this amount of time, I find myself thinking I have to keep regular readers informed on how things are going for me. My position in the past was that if I didn't feel inspired to write a post, then I would wait. I would love to use the excuse that I have been too busy, but that simply isn't true. Since I am, to a degree, lazy, this may go some way to explain my lack of desire/inspiration to update this blog. I fear being boring more than I fear losing people who read about my life on this blog...and therein lies the issue. I have led a fairly boring existence since I decided to move to Thailand and clean up my act. Truth be told, I am happiest when doing scant little. Most days I wake up late (around 8.30 am), eat breakfast and read the news on my laptop. After drinking my only coffee for the day, I check for emails and reply to any comments on the blog...appreciating those kind enough to take the time to give me their thoughts. Once I am finished, I watch YouTube for about an hour. Nada wakes up earlier than I do. She usually eats a small breakfast and then washes clothes or does some ironing until I wake up. We eat lunch together before I do a workout or, on my off day, go and get a few items from the store. Later in the afternoon, we usually take a nap (today we both slept for two hours and didn't rise until 6.00 pm). I take a shower whilst Nada cooks dinner. Before I go, I help peel vegetables and wash some dishes. After dinner, we clean up and Nada does her exercises. I then sit on the couch and watch YouTube while Nada talks to friends and family on her phone. We go to bed around 11.30 pm. Nada falls asleep quickly, however, it takes me a while to get to sleep. If all of that isn't boring enough for you then I don't know what is. In one week it will be the anniversary of my arrival here in Thailand (and a year since I last used meth). Normally, I would celebrate such a milestone by getting high, but this year, I will pass on that and instead, enjoy a quiet night at home with my beautiful girlfriend. Things are good and I am happy to live this boring life I lead. |
| Since I met Nada six months ago, I've noticed something was off. I couldn't put my finger on what was going on, and although I did ask her several times, she denied anything was wrong. What was bothering her she had suppressed and pushed to the back of her mind, but in an intimate relationship, any skeletons will bubble to the surface and rear their ugly heads sooner or later. About a week ago, Nada decided to confess and tell me that she is in debt to the tune of around 600k baht (US$18000). Our relationship is now being affected by an STD (a sexually transmitted debt). It isn't a huge amount in my world, but for a relatively poor, forty-seven-year-old Thai woman, it is an almost insurmountable sum...especially considering she only has seven months to come up with the money. The back story is long and complex and I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say Nada trusted someone (a close family member) she shouldn't have, and took a loan for 200k baht, mortgaged against the house and large block of land her mother left her when she died. That was ten years ago and for the past eight years, no repayments have been made to service the loan. Of course, I questioned EVERYTHING. Why would she let this situation get so out of hand (allowing the interest to triple the initial loan amount)? Why did she risk everything when she should have said no when asked to loan her family member the money? Questions that don't bring any resolution or help me understand how she could end up in such a predicament. I can only see things from a Farang perspective. It appears to me that logic goes out the door when dealing with the mindset of a Thai. Add to this the house she borrowed against, which is at high risk of foreclosure, she decided (before informing me of the debt) to renovate, at a cost of over 100k baht. At first, I smelled a rat. Why she would think it a good idea to do home improvements when she should have instead used the money to pay off some of the debt she owes, still baffles me. Perhaps she thought that I (her soft-hearted Farang boyfriend) would save the day...or that after eight years of promising to pay back the money, the family member would suddenly have a change of heart and do the right thing (as unlikely as that is). At least now I know what has been causing Nada's sadness, and after much consternation, I have helped come up with a plan that might save Nada from losing her house and land. I could, if I chose, pay the debt for her. But that isn't going to do me, and therefore, our relationship, any good. Luckily, Nada does have other assets (a ten rai, working rubber plantation that she fully owns) that she can borrow against. Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul isn't usually a good plan, but desperate times call for desperate measures. One option I suggested was to simply allow foreclosure and start afresh. The trouble with that is Nada's seventy-nine-year-old papa lives in the house and last year, he had a motorcycle accident that fractured both bones in his lower leg. He still has external fixations in place and is a long way off being fully rehabilitated. Becoming homeless at this point in time is not something anyone wants to see happen. There is a part of me (my heart) that wants to help Nada financially, but my head is telling me no. At one point, I suspected a scam. Nada couldn't produce a contract for the loan and the question of why she would spend money on renovations made me suspicious (and to a degree, still do). But then, she did prove she had transferred 200k from her account to her relative's account ten years ago, and even for a Thai, this appears to be way too elaborate of a scheme to pull off. In any case, it's not my responsibility to save anyone but myself. It is possible that she can save her property, and her papa can live out his life in her house in Isaan. She will be paying the debt for many years to come (if she can pull it off) and I will support her emotionally (and to a degree, financially) all the way. |
| For most people, giving five-star reviews may be the easiest ones to write. However, I (mostly) shy away from providing such high acclaim because, in reality, nothing is perfect—not written stories, restaurants, service providers, or hotels. On the flip side, who (in all decency) would enjoy regularly handing out one—and two-star reviews? This is especially true when dealing with a person or business that is obviously trying to deliver...even if they fall short in various areas. In saying all of that, the hardest rating for me to give is three stars. It is neither here nor there, and this is where I find myself tonight after the hotel we stayed at in Bang Saphan requested a review. The trouble is they landed squarely in the middle, providing some good and some bad experiences over the three nights we were there. I must admit I wasn't in the best frame of mind when we arrived at the establishment. The night before, Nada sat me down and said she had something she needed to tell me. As we all know, those words rarely produce a good outcome, especially when followed by, "Promise me you won't get mad." Of course, I refused her request, and although the news wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, thinking she might say, "I was once a bar girl" or "I have HIV", it still wasn't a great thing to hear...especially considering we were just about to leave for a romantic three-night getaway at a rather expensive resort. I'm not going to get into the details of what she said here because this post isn't about that (I might get into it more in a later post), but I will say that it was about an STD. One can contract many things when falling in love. Some are more easily treated than others, whilst some can be life-threatening, but the STD Nada has shared with me is neither. It is, unfortunately, a sexually transmitted dept. I suppose it could be worse, but I do wish she had been honest with me earlier, instead of waiting six months to reveal her dirty little secret. Anyway, back to the real story here...the hotel was old. Our room had recently received a fresh lick of paint, although in keeping with Thai style, they hadn't done a great job. The floor wasn't as clean as I would have liked, and the promised ocean view was almost completely obscured by the next building. Thankfully, the bed was comfortable (although neither of us slept well during the first two nights because of the ongoing discussions we had about her lack of transparency over her financial predicament) and the food at the hotel restaurant was well-priced and delicious. Breakfast (I was foolish enough to pay for in advance) on the other hand, was underwhelming. Lesson learned, and in future, I will pay for breakfast once I know what it is like. The pool was beautiful, although the location, which was right on the beach, lacked the WOW factor the online photos purported. The staff were friendly and helpful and did their best under somewhat difficult circumstances. The hot water in our shower stopped working after one night, although we don't have hot water at home and are used to showering in cold water (it was nice to have a hot shower on that first night though). In cases like this, I find it hard to say what I truly think in a public review. I owe it to the community to give an honest opinion, but also feel that saying negative things about a business that is likely struggling to stay afloat, is not the right thing to do. It isn't much different to giving reviews here on WdC...where the truth can help someone become a better writer, but can also cause them pain. I think most people, when faced with an average experience, will inevitably pass on giving their thoughts, and as much as that is, to some degree, a copout, it is, in most cases, the best (and most sensible) thing to do. |
| One of my favourite Australian movies is Babe. A scene in the movie reminds me of my new life in Thailand. In the movie, Fly, the sheepdog, begins to speak very slowly to the sheep because (in her mind) it is a cold fact of nature that sheep are stupid, and nothing can convince her otherwise. After she finished talking, the sheep spoke very slowly, for (in their mind) it is a cold fact of nature that wolves are ignorant, and nothing can convince them otherwise. How does this relate to my life in Thailand? Well, in general, Thais are not very worldly. Nada has never heard of Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Leonardo Da Vinci, Marilyn Munroe or Hollywood. She does, however, know what plants we can and cannot eat if the world as we know it ends. She understands Thai culture and can (mostly) explain to me, in a language that is not her own, why they do the things they do. It has taken me a while to adjust to her lack of knowledge about pretty much anything outside her country of birth. I must admit there have been times when I have thought Thais are a little stupid, ignorant, or simple. The irony is that I believe they think similarly about Farangs (hence the 'Babe' reference). My landlord, who happens to be in a relationship with Nada's sister, told me that he is arranging for a pest controller to come and spray the house for termites. When I told Nada, she explained that she had found some evidence of ants and alerted her sister. She didn't think to let me know; after all, what would a Farang know about termites? She probably didn't want to bother me about the situation, but I did feel a little miffed. I went to check it out for myself and found very little to worry about. The house is mostly made of concrete, and what little wood there is is not pine but hardwood. Termites are not keen on eating it (although they will chew through hardwood to get to pine). Nada has been back from her trip to Isaan for a few days now, and we are settling back into a routine. On Sunday, we leave for Bang Saphan...a three-hour ride south of Hua Hin. We will spend three nights at a 4-star resort that's located right on the beach. I'm not planning on leaving much of an inheritance for my offspring...but I am planning to enjoy life before I die, and I won't be sparing any expense along the way. |
| Nada has been away for two days, and already I feel better about our relationship. Too much of a good thing can spoil anything, from sugar in your cup of coffee to how much constancy one can bear when living together. I genuinely miss her, even though we message each other every day. There will always be advantages and disadvantages to any situation, and right now, I am focused on the positives that come from having some alone time. I still walk every day and do weights every other day. This routine provides for so much more than just my physical well-being. Mentally, I am stronger now than I have been in decades, and even though I do experience some short-term memory issues, overall, I am doing well. Writing blog posts and Nada teaching me Thai helps to keep my mind active, and hopefully, these symptoms won't become too much of an issue going forward. The symptoms of psychosis are slowly diminishing, and unless I make the effort to contact Angel and her friends (by closing my eyes and focusing) I hardly experience any hallucinations or negative issues. The only time I superfluously 'see' Angel is when I close my eyes to sleep at night, and these days, because the whole thing is very much under control, I will say hello and ask if she is happy. I then say goodnight and she blinks, I guess to let me know she wishes me the same. The whole 'fake news' thing is not just perpetrated by media outlets eg; Fox vs ABC and CNN, but is also pushed, perhaps inadvertently, by algorithms. No matter which side of politics we are on, especially when sourcing content online, the algorithm will provide more of the same, which does not provide a balanced viewpoint or get us closer to the truth. Perhaps truth is something no one is interested in anyway...especially when it gets in the way of belief. |
| Since meeting Nada five months ago, we haven't spent a night apart...going from go to whoa in an instant. I must admit I am starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining (well, perhaps a little), but the constant attention and never getting any 'me time' is wearing down my patience. Nada's sister has been having financial problems recently, and it appears that her issues are becoming 'our' issues—and this will not do. Yesterday, Nada spent most of the day supporting her sister in court, and while this was a temporary relief for me, when she got back, she was morose and silent. It was obvious that things had not gone well for her sister. As Nada's boyfriend, I feel I must support her when she is feeling down, but this morning, Nada informed me that she had a headache. Her period is due soon, and the pain is probably related to this. It seems every month is the same and is something I am going to have to get used to. There are other things going on. It appears that sex has become a chore for my girlfriend, and having to book time for lovemaking around her other duties, as well as attending to her sister's issues, isn't helping. I feel less desired than I did when we first met, and while this is a natural transition, I am not one to accept being relegated to the back of the queue. I am the only one who initiates sex, and in my opinion, this isn't healthy for a relationship. Tomorrow, Nada leaves to visit her family in Roi Et. She will be gone for three or four days. I'm not sure if I should bite my tongue and say nothing before she leaves or share how I am feeling. In situations like this, I cannot help but miss the old days when I dealt with my own problems and took care of myself. |
| Growing up in 70s Australia, I witnessed plenty of racism, but my young mind couldn't grasp the pain that was caused. Jokes about Aboriginals and Asians were common, and I admit that I was as guilty as anyone for not walking a mile in the shoes of those we laughed at. Once I began to realise the hurt, not just racism, but sexism caused to the community, my attitude changed and I became more tolerant towards minority groups and women. But over the years, the pendulum of 'acceptance' has swung too far and, in my opinion, we now live in a world where the majority have had enough and are pushing back against 'wokeism' in all its forms. This has caused a shift in moderate voter attitudes and has seen the right-wing movement gain traction in almost every country. Extremism on either side is bound to negate and divide moderate and common-sense attitudes within a population. It has come down to having to choose a side, and instead of compromise, there is conflict, with hate fueling both sides and in some cases, giving rise to people willing to use intimidation and violence to promote their agenda. These are worrying times. The 2024 election result in the US is a testament to just how pissed people are with the current trend of bending to left-wing extremism. Trump knew this and took full advantage of the fatal flaws within the woke movement and it never being enough. The pendulum may swing wildly back and forth over the next decade unless, at least in the US, Project 2025 is fully implemented, and in that case, the world may have a brand-new dictator...someone who will stop at nothing to hold onto power. On a different note...I hate to say this, but my girlfriend is a racist. And it isn't the usual black hates white (or visa versa) hates Asians either. Nada doesn't like people from surrounding countries, who let's face it, are the same race as her. People from Myanmar, according to Nada, come here and breed like rabbits. They take jobs away from Thais (even though they do the lowest-paid jobs that the majority of Thais aren't interested in doing anyway) and are, by and large, dangerous because of the effects of the civil war most of them have been exposed to. Nada thinks Cambodians are all "scammers" and that the Chinese are arrogant and stingy. Nada is from Roi Et, in the Isaan Province. Those from Laos, on the opposite bank of the Mekong River, aren't much better than those from any of the previously mentioned countries. The list goes on and even includes Thais who live in the south of the country who are predominantly of the Islamic faith. There have been military clashes between Islamic insurgents and Thai security forces in the past, but these days, most of the 'fighting' is done on social media. Strangely, my girlfriend would never date a Thai. I used to think this was solely because many Thai women see Farangs as a possible avenue out of poverty. But she says white skin is more attractive than brown skin (which most Thais have), and I find this funny because I prefer her skin colour over mine. In normal circumstances, I would try and educate Nada on the perils of holding such views, but given our limited ability to communicate our deepest feelings, I will simply accept that some people hold values that differ from my own, and there are times when arguing about these things is a complete waste of time. |
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