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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| My mom was taken to the hospital two days ago...a failing heart is what they suspect...low iron, 86 and smoked most of her life, it is what it is. She still has a few more rounds left in her and even though she can't see, there is still that glint in her eyes...especially when a nurse asks her to do something she simply doesn't want to do. Because of her fluid tablets, she wet the bed yesterday, and the indignity for her was worse than what will happen if she refuses the medication, but a few quiet words from her most trusted son, and she saw that a bed can be remade, but a heart cannot, and when I left her, she had a better understanding of what's at stake...as do I. Today, despite the not such great news from her Cardiologist, I feel really good...this feeling beats the high of meth hands down...it feels like life, which for someone who hasn't lived for a long time, feels like a cool breeze on a hot summer's day...a gift that came totally unexpected from a group of people who I don't even know. A gift that I will not discard as just another material thing that will lose its lustre and gather dust in some forgotten corner of my life. The greatest gift one human being can give to another, and I appreciate every last one of you who are in there fighting right alongside me. This is my first blog...someone took me under their wing and showed me that I don't have to do this alone...that there are people who genuinely want to see me succeed, which gives me enough strength not to use today, and I WILL NOT use today, of that, I am certain. Thank you to everyone who has left their best wishes...I never knew ...but now I do. |
| Today I rode my bike...it's a time where I think...many of my creative works were born while I pedal along the road...it is a time of reflection and also helps me raise my level of dopamine, which has been depleted from so many years of abuse. A few days ago, I did my first workout in around a year...it hurt...physically and mentally...to realise just how much this drug has weakened my body and mind is frustrating but also gives me strength. I don't want to be weak, I want to be strong, active and non-dependant on a drug that is destroying my life. The soreness from the excursion is almost gone, but my resolution is still strong, and I am well aware, the biggest hurdles are yet to come. I am in what's known as 'The Honeymoon Phase' but instead of dreading what I know is coming, I am going to relax and enjoy this time...before the real work begins. |
| Just over a week ago I finished weaning myself off this insidious drug. Knowing and fearing what cold turkey was like from previous attempts to stop using, I made my last half gram last me for three weeks...where in the midst of my addiction, half a gram would be one hour of use...but still, the psychological side still has to be taken seriously...and I am taking this attempt very seriously as it may very well be my last. People talk about the possibility of dying from their drug use, and to those addicted to opioids, this is always a risk each and every time they use. But, to a meth user, this is not generally the case, and it can take years of abusing to get to the point where their lives are at serious risk of ending...and, unfortunately, this is the reality that I face. I have always loved the TV show 'Deadliest Catch', and Nick McGlashan was one of my favourite characters because of his well-publisised drugs use...he was a hero to me and the fact that the reason he is no longer with us is due to his choice to use drugs, was a real wake-up call for me...he was stronger than most men, he had a heart of gold...he was loved by all who knew him and if not for his addiction, would still be deck boss on Summer Bay. The fact that he was my hero because of his drug use, and now he is gone because of it makes me realise just how foolish we all are who think drug use is cool or fun because it is neither of these things...it is dangerous, and gives little in return for the sacrifice we must make to maintain our habit. Nick was my hero, but now, I want to be my own hero, to beat this addiction that Nick couldn't, would to me be a testament...in honour of him and for his families loss, I wanna live...not for Nick per se, but for myself...but in honour of Nick McGlashan...one of the best damn fishermen on the Bering Sea. I have been addicted to methamphetamines for around thirty to forty years...addiction is something that is not set in concrete and cannot really be measured in years... it's fluid. Over the timeline of my use, and during these years, there have been times where I may have gone for one or even two years without touching meth...yet, thinking back, there was always something which I used to replace the meth with...pot was my staple drug growing up, and it was only once I was given the opportunity to treat my Hep C, that I took this drug addiction business seriously and decided that Marijuana was something that might interfere with the treatment, and so, around 2016, I quit using pot. A great achievement considering I had smoked it since I was twelve years old, but this was also when my meth use spiralled out of control...and part of the reason was that the Hepatitis was cured, and with no liver damage (as miraculous as that is, considering I contracted the virus as a fourteen-year-old) in my mind, it gave me free rein to abuse myself with, what became my poison of choice, methamphetamine. I know what I must do...lose any pride I may have left after hitting rock bottom...lean on whoever is available and kind enough to show some faith in me that this time, I mean business...to seek professional counselling and know that on my own, I am destined to fail...exercise is my key to getting where I want to be...I have let myself down, I have let my family down, my kids, who I haven't seen in four years, I feel the most guilt over and that guilt, while being my shame, can also be my strength...knowing that eventually, if I can be successful and rid myself of this drug, will bring them back to me...that is my hope and my dream...and lastly, to find love again...I am worthy of being loved, and I have so much love to give after being isolated by my addiction for so long. Many steps, but only one at a time...today, I will not use, tomorrow, I live in hope, and that's all I can do to bring me all that I want from a future I never thought I had. |
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