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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Does anyone else wonder why good habits are so much easier to quit than bad ones? Or why only the good die young? And don't get me started on the hypocrisy that crime doesn't pay. IF there is a God, he is either a cruel one or has a very sick sense of humour. Going by those words, you may gather that the faith I have been trying my hardest to nurture is slowly wilting right before your eyes. I would love to see my Mom again. To believe she is waiting for me in paradise is such a wonderful carrot to chase. But, I've always been a cynic and realise the chances of that being true are slim. Agnosticism is regaining control of my psyche, after psychosis inadvertently pushed me towards faith in a higher power. I'll be the first to admit my motives weren't coming from a great place. Put simply, I feared spending eternity in hell, and hoped prayer would be my ticket out of condemnation. Psychosis seemed so real when the hallucinations told me they were demons. I put two and two together and logically figured if there were demons, then there had to be a God...a God who created and then banished them. I'm not sure whose story to believe, but knowing there are always three sides to any story, is it any wonder they are pissed. About four years ago, I wrote a fictional story, which in my opinion, is my greatest piece. I doubt I will ever write anything better. It's called, Heavens Above "Heavens Above"  and it's an extremely satirical poke at Christian ideology. Some might say making fun of God (and Jesus and the story behind the fall of Lucifer) is walking on thin ice, but at the time, I hoped that these deities (and one scapegoat) would see the funny side of how things are portrayed here on earth. My thought was if doctrine could evolve to suit the times, and scripture be interpreted to suit any agenda, then what harm can come by rewriting the story of heaven and earth in a way I thought was funny?Fast forward four years and I have demons visiting me, and my prayers for deliverance denied. I will be the first to admit there are places in my story where it could be seen as blasphemy. That was not my intention, and I think those who see it that way may be a little one-eyed, and dare I say, acting somewhat unambiguously. I'm not trying to defend the story. I'm sure some may find it absurd or even farcical (oh, I hope so), or like the few who have reviewed it, as brilliant. I don't think I have anything to fear because of the above-mentioned lack of faith that there is a God...well, perhaps I'm a little bit scared. Seeing demons on a daily basis will do that to you. I should probably mention that I kinda went over to the dark side for a while. My excuse is simple...if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I ran a few scenarios past the alleged evil ones, and they gasped in shock. I even pleaded with them to take it higher up the chain of command, but I guess they were intimidated and denied my request. So, I became desperate and accused evil of becoming soft when they indicated (eyes going side to side most vigorously) that my ideas were too extreme. My only defence is I wanted to show the hierarchy that I was worthy of becoming more than just a slave who is condemned to burn for eternity. Ironically, my attempt at attaining a better position in hell (figuring I was condemned anyway) may be the final nail in my living forever in paradise coffin. That's if the whole Christian story of heaven and hell is true, but if not, then it sure as hell (excuse the pun) makes for good fodder in a literary sense. I wonder if an old lady who has lived a good life and committed little sin will end up in hell simply because she thought like a lot of people, that the likelihood of there being a God is not high. Yet, a pedophile for example, who destroys innocent lives and then at some point, shows remorse (perhaps on being told of his diagnosis), repents and is, or could be if you believe the church's take on getting more bums on pews, forgiven. Then he or she (if you believe the garb) is forgiven and ends up spending eternity in paradise. I wonder if one of his victims happens to commit suicide. Does anyone of faith want to venture if that person will be condemned for the sin of taking their own life? And if they do end up avoiding hell and going to heaven, what they might think of the decision to give the monster who was responsible for their misery, eternal life in paradise? Pondering faith is one of my favourite things to do. |
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