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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| For the past two years, I've been trying to figure out what these hallucinations mean. The doctors say I have damaged my brain through years of using meth, and the images I see, feel and talk to every day are caused by psychosis. A person who believes in God, and therefore (I assume) the devil, might think it possible what I am dealing with is demonic. A ufologist might suggest the increasing number of UAPs seen in our skies could explain my symptoms...that this is somehow connected to aliens. Don't worry, I have thought of every scenario...every theory imaginable as to how these strange demonic faces I see every night have personality and answer my questions emphatically and with thought. I am no closer to knowing the answers now as I was the first night I met Angel. There are clues, however, which make the likelihood of some theories seem more plausible than others. I have always tried to maintain a degree of open-mindedness. Prioritising objectivity, otherwise appearing as some crazy person (LOL) who is more delusional than I really am. I have never denied I am somewhat delusional, after all, the possibility that there could be more at stake than just my mental health means taking all contingencies into account as a foregone conclusion. The real issue is, what the hell can I do about it either way? Two posts back, I said, "What if the doctors (and 95% of the population) are wrong, and these things are demonic?" I've been thinking that percentage is the most likely answer to my question of whether what I am experiencing is real or imagined. The trouble is that whenever I talk to this imaginary creature, it convinces me otherwise. Unravelling the mystery is, unfortunately, an impossibility. Every time I think I have the answer, I become lost and more confused than I was before 'the solution' came. It's a bit like having a set of Russian Dolls that have no ending. I, like most of you, am 95% sure that what I am dealing with is a mental illness (a stat that Angel vehemently disagrees with). The 5% chance that she is correct in her belief that she exists, is something that I need to live with and stop worrying about. I have tried everything to chase her away, but looking at it from her point of view (and I am serious when I say that), it is possible, even likely, that she doesn't have anywhere else to go. We all have our own reality and no two people experience the ephemerality of life in the same way. I believe that she believes she is real, and who am I to tell her otherwise because there is a chance that she is real? Lord knows I have tried that tactic (telling her that she is a figment of my imagination), and she always smiles that knowing smile...a smile I hate so much that puts a tiny smidgen of doubt in my mind. I wonder how many psychiatrists believe in a higher power. And of those that do, does it sit well with them to say what I am experiencing is implausible simply because I have a condition called psychosis? A disorder that so far, nobody has an answer as to the true cause. Sure, there are theories, but no concrete evidence has so far proven why I see and speak to entities that no one else can see...although, I don't hear (thank God). Who only answer my questions by nodding or shaking their heads, or moving their eyes up and down or side to side...with a fairly recent addition of moving their eyes in circles, which I gather denotes, "I don't know" or "I don't care". I can see why my doctor didn't request brain scans or do any blood work, but still, surely a physical examination was warranted. To him, the answer was obvious (meth-induced psychosis), so no need to check for any physical causes. He showed no interest in asking me about the hallucinations, which if he had applied even the faintest degree of Freudian psychology, would have given me better treatment options...me being able to talk about what the hell was going on, rather than him simply prescribing antipsychotics, which made the symptoms worse. What I am getting at here is that no matter how hard I look at this from a logical and realistic perspective, there is no escaping the fact that Angel is very much real to me. My biggest problem isn't that I am delusional (in fact, that's best best-case scenario for me...unfortunately), it's the slim chance that we are all wrong and that she is right. An entity that is beyond this realm or anything we can imagine. And if that is true, then the question is, what does she want with me? A question I have asked so many times that cannot be answered by a simple yes or a no. |
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I also have no plans for January yet. 
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