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| This is exciting as it is very new and scary. |
| You sure will have friends who you spent almost all your time with. The kind of friends who you shared all the good and bad with. Friends who you thought knew you the best. Fiends who you trusted the most. But those same friends will be sitting in front of you and will say that you are lucky. They will tell you how you had everything easy. They will say all that without blinking. They even will be explaining. Even if they were near you, they choose not to see that you were struggling. Still they won't quit judging. They will tell you how their wound is deeper. They will tell you how their fight is harder. They will tell you about this right path, and it's theirs. They will tell you how there are some unforgivable mistakes. But when it's their turn to make them, there is always going to be exceptions. They will also tell you the things you should do for your friends. The way they talk will sure get you convinced they care a lot. But they couldn't even tell when you felt lost. When they see you drowning "you're weak" they say. And then when you revive "you got lucky" they will say. They look for reasons not to appreciate your hard work. They will say they would have done it better if they had the same chances. They never want to admit you earned it. They always will be undermining your ability and worth. Little do they know that you don't need their approval to validate your truth. To give your self a pat in the back, you got arms long enough. But every now and then they will try to pretend as if they care. They just don't know that now you can tell that it's all fake. They don't know, so they choose to call their selves your friends. Some even dare to say they're your brothers and sisters. They give them selves names to make you feel as if they're so close. Truth is they don't mind seeing you get all your energy drained. Even if you fall down, they still won't mind. They won't miss a chance to point their fingers. But they won't care to help you up and offer their hands. They still will be expecting a lot from you, but will never do same. At least not in this life time. They will tease you about your dreams, but they will want to be part of it once you make it. But by then they will just be souls you would never trust. You won't have time to waste with people who don't deserve it. You will only have time for your self and it sure would be a better investment. By then for you they will be people you don't like, people you don't hate, and people who you don't want to associate with. |
| Sometimes I really wish life had a how to manual. I am completely lost and don't know how to get to the right track. Standing tall and having a bright smile on my face it seems as if I got it all figured out. Many tell me that they want to follow in my foot steps. Little do they know how scramble and untraceable that it would be. And any time people tell me how proud they are of me, it increases my anxiety. I don't want to let anyone down and say it to their faces that I am taking random steps and don't know where the next is going to be, let alone guide another soul. But I put on a smile and play along and try not to ruin this perfect picture they drew of me until I am left alone. Alone to think about it all. And all of it hurts. Not being able to talk about your insecurities, your fears, your needs and wants hurts. Pretending as if everything is alright hurts. How ever loud I am screaming inside it's not loud enough for others to hear. I should always put on the usual happy face and proceed because there are other things considered more important by society. There are things that you would be expected to do and accomplish while following a path considered right and without passing set boundaries. You would be forced to think as if you should be perfect and flawless. Other wise you would be considered weak and a disappointment. Just because I have all these responsibilities I should put first, prioritizing my mental health, my needs, my wants and taking time to figure my self out and think about my future seems like a luxury. And I have to pretend as if I am liking the journey even if it hurts, because I am scared of being considered weak. I am really afraid of letting down all those people who believed in me. I am afraid of getting lost in my mind and disappoint everyone. Sometimes I try telling my self that I am going to have plenty of time to do what's important for me once I am done with all these responsibilities I have at hand, but all these responsibilities seem to be never ending. Now I get to know that I was wrong all the time. I get to know everything I worried about and every thing that I worked hard for and gave it all mine even if i don't feel like doing wasn't worth it. I now know that I should have taken all those times for my self and try to figure out my problems, my needs, my talent, my passion, what is worth sacrificing one's self for and what is not, what could make me a better person and what could destroy me, what makes me happy and how I can make others happy without hurting my self. I just didn't. But it's not too late. I think there is still a little bit of light in me. And I know it will rise and get to a point to help me find my self and be happy. Now I am willing to take what ever time it takes to figure my self out, to get better and reach out for help when ever necessary. I now know that I should be willing to speak out about my fears, my problems and my insecurities without worrying about being judged. I get to know opening up can let you breath and can make you feel a lot easier. I also get to now that you could and should make people happy when you are happy and never at the expense of your own happiness. So I will be practicing all this and I believe I will find myself while doing so. You should too. |
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