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My personal battle with depression. |
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I am creating this blog with the positive intention of having a place to express my thoughts, fears, and (hopefully) recovery from depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, this has been a significant burden to me through most of my adult life. I have finally, after many years of not knowing what was wrong, decided to seek help for myself. I've noticed within the last few months, maybe even the last year, that my thoughts during a depressed state have become increasingly worrisome. Thoughts of suicide, hurting myself or others, and being in a state of constant fight or flight has caused me to try to take care of this before I do something that causes me to act impulsively and regret (or not regret if I'm dead). I am a veteran, served two tours in Iraq and was an Infantryman. I was going to write about my experience out on this journal entry, but I'm thinking I'll save it for another blog and break it up into sections, as I want to be detailed and not rush it. I want to be clear upfront that I'm not the typical soldier that went oversees and was blown up by IED's or watched my friends die. Overall, my experience in Iraq was not racked with violence and misery. There were few incidents here and there, saw some people dead and some shot, but not as bad as many other soldiers. In fact, people that used to ask me how it was, I would say "I went over there, carried a gun, and walked around with alot of heavy weight, everyday." Therefore, even though military service might have a part in my struggles (the symptoms of anxiety and depression started after I got out), I don't want it to be interpreted as "Ah well, he's a veteran he must have PTSD and this and that" because I'm not sure if that is the entire story. I've been out for almost eight years now and think there is more than military service that is contributing to this. I am visiting a military psychiatrist / counselor this next Monday, May 20th, and that's because it is the easiest available to me right now and the entire reason I am starting this blog. I want to document this process and my experience through mental health. I don't know if they are going to immediately put me on medication, or what is going to happen. There is some sort of comfort in knowing that at least I am doing something. Even when I went to a vet center counselor last week and talked to them, it helped tremendously. So, I'm thinking that writing will have the same effect, and just let me get it out on paper of how I'm feeling. I am sincerely hoping this blog will act as a recovery medium and since I'm making it public, to also serve as an accountability tool. Not that it entirely matters if someone, or anyone reads this, I would just like to keep it updated as I progress or regress during my recovery efforts. I have never kept a log or journal in which I documented my actions and in-actions during a recovery process or life change, but I think this could be good for me. Going to keep my introductory and first blog post EVER short and sweet, but I really look forward to continuing. |
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