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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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| A quick note to let ya'll know that I haven't abandoned WDC. I've had some medical issues come up. Trying to deal with everything has been overwhelming, to say the least. I've pretty much pushed all my commitments and projects off the table to focus on myself for now. Please keep me in your prayers and/or happy thoughts. |
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Yes, I've been there before, although I didn't realize it at the time. One day I woke up, looked around, and realized my life is shit. I'll be 40 in a few months and I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Between my own bad choices in life and the shit deck of cards I've been given, it seems obvious I need to make some changes. Where to start? Maybe a better question is what do I hate most? I've said to others that if you don't like something, change it. Whining and complaining won't do a damn thing about your situation. I'm just not sure how to begin the process. My husband. No, I don't hate my husband. I hate what our relationship has become. We're not on the same page about our future. I can't get him to think about it. I hate the town where we live. We've been married for 5 years and have spent 4 here. Originally, we moved up here because we were under the impression that my step-dad had a job lined up for him. I admit that I should have done my homework. But here we are- stuck. We have no retirement plan. We don't even have a one year plan. This irks me more than I can ever explain. It doesn't help that I'm completely financially dependant on him. I hate this more than anything else. We don't agree on money issues and that's a big problem. Overall though, I can say exactly what my biggest problem is right now. I'm not happy. There's no joy in my life. I don't look forward to anything. I'm not even content. I'm just here. Taking up space and oxygen from all the happy people of the world. I feel like I have no purpose. Well, beyond making sure Ravyn doesn't morph into a serial killer. I think I've got that part nailed. Being a parent is great, most of the time, I'm not complaining about parenting. Surely there is something more for me. Some satisfaction or meaning. Anything besides being stuck in a pointless existence. Sometimes it's difficult for me to identify an actual issue. I could just be depressed. It wouldn't be the first time I've blown a small thought into a paradox that later I could clearly see was insignificant. Oh, the embarrassment and guilt that comes with irrationality! I've been cycling through moods at a rapid pace this year. Plus, my hormones are out of whack. It's exhausting. So what am I going to do? Change. How will I accomplish this? Slowly. What's the first step? Admitting the problem. Thanks, smart ass. Now, what comes after that part? ... |
| Made it home this morning. Both babies are doing better. My sister, however, has hit a brick wall in her treatment. The surgeon wants her to do occupational therapy twice a week for six weeks before discussing surgery. But the insurance only covers two locations. One is 150 miles away and the other 200. What a mess! Time for me to unpack and see what needs to be done around here. |
I drove up to the Ozarks this morning to help my sister. After fracturing her elbow in February, they discovered there's some cartilage damage. She's finally seeing a surgeon tomorrow to see what can be done. Not long after we arrived, she got a call from her sister-in-law that her niece is very ill. Baby Vina is six months old and was taken to the doctor with RSV. They care flighted her to Children's in OKC and have put her in a medically induced coma. A couple of hours later, I got a call that my sister-in-law had given birth ten weeks early. Baby Benji weighed in at 3 lbs 5 oz and is in the NICU on a ventilator. But wait, there's more- Because of my hernia, I have a hard time driving more than 3 hours a day. I drove 3 hours to get here today and the visit to the surgeon tomorrow will be a 3 hour round trip. I planned on resting Wednesday and heading home Thursday if I feel good enough. I'm not close to anyone in my husband's family. They didn't like the idea of him marrying an older divorced woman with two daughters and a nephew. I'm four years older than him and one of my girls doesn't live with me. I share custody of my nephew with my mom, but he doesn't live with me either. It also didn't help matters that my health got really bad a year after we married and I haven't had a "real job" in four years. Although, the biggest issue is that we moved two hours away from his family. Even though it was for a new job that is twice as better as the one he had at the time. Anyway, since I didn't drop everything and drive three hours home so that I could then drive my husband two hours to see his brother, I'm now the Heartless Ice Queen. Does anyone care to know what my husband said? "I don't know what Grandma thinks I can do if I do go, but if Kase wants me there, he'll tell me. Stick with your plans. If something really bad happens, we'll figure something out." There's a reason my husband tends to shy away from his family. So when his grandmother called me for the sixth time, I firmly and politely told her that it was out of my hands. I choose to honor my husband's wishes, even when I don't agree. (Well, most of the time!) Not because I'm weak- because I'm strong. I won't attempt to guilt or manipulate him to make other people happy. Isn't it a shame that there are two infants currently fighting to live and instead of focusing on praying for them, we spent several hours fielding rude phone calls? Bless her heart. Now that I've gotten all that garbage out of my system, I'll ask ya'll to keep Vina & Benji in your thoughts, prayers, happy energy, or whatever floats your boat. |
I'll never understand how I gave birth to this child that I can barely get to read. Back in 5th grade, the elementary teacher and I had to have a talk about Ravyn's reading. The first conversation was about the possibility of Ravyn being dishonest in her reading log. I assured the lady that yes, my daughter did read all 10 of the books listed for the week. But the second time I was called in was because of her reading level. It was on the 7th/8th-grade reading level and there wasn't much to hold her interest in the school library. The teacher was concerned that Ravyn wasn't mature enough to read things in the junior high library. I get it. When I was in 6th grade, my parents were called in to discuss my book choices. Apparently, VC Andrews and Dean Koontz weren't appropriate for a 12-year-old. To be fair though, I got them from my 14-year-old neighbor; who is now an author. I'm not exactly sure when her passion for books began to die, but I've been trying to relight the fire. I keep thinking she just hasn't found the right genre or author. I may have found a solution. HP Lovecraft. Yes, I think my sweet twisted child will enjoy these books. |
...my idea list is 26 possibilities long ...my daughter takes my pen away and tells me to focus ...my idea list is color-coded ...my daughter takes my highlighter away and sighs heavily ...I have 9 half-completed projects. I haven't had coffee in four days, perhaps my brain is just rebelling. |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it.