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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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I always thought I'd have to push her out of the nest, but it turns out that she's going to bolt as soon as she gets the chance. She'll be 17 in June. She's been wanting to get a job for a while, but I've put it off. At first, it was just the pandemic. I was scared she'd bring home the germs that would give my non-existent immune system a complete meltdown. My excuse now is that she's barely doing schoolwork. But here's the deal- it's my fault. Pre-pandemic we had a decent routine going. We were both up by 9 and started school by 11. I rarely took calls and stayed home until she was nearly done, which was about 4. But our world was shaken like a snow globe in January of 2020 and it seemed as if time stopped while we held hands and watched the remnants of our lives slowly fall around us. Not long after that life-shattering event, the pandemic began. Somewhere in the midst of the craziness, I fell into a deep depression, my oldest daughter Brooklyn appeared in our lives, Corey and I started drifting apart, and my mom started relying me more. We were evicted after discovering our house had termites and frantically moved during Christmas. While our snow globe world had become still, the bits and bobs were out of place. I felt disoriented and lost. I didn't even feel her let go of my hand. So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out whether or not it's too late. Originally, I let the schoolwork slide because she was in emotional turmoil. But there was always something. She did less and less for a variety of reasons. Recently, it's like she's just given up on it. Well, she has. She doesn't see the point. My mother and nephew will be moving in with us in July and there's been talk of Brooklyn moving in with Izabella too. We've decided to stay here until our lease is up in January and find a bigger place. Ravyn doesn't want to live in a crowded house that's full of drama. I don't blame her either. But I can't put my mother out on the street and we can't move just now. I know it's not as easy as Ravyn thinks to get a job and a place of her own. The girl isn't ready for that. I worry that she'll leave to stay with some friend and being unprepared will end up in a bad situation that could really alter her life. Even if she managed to make things work, she'd still have a bleak future of dead-end jobs. She'd run the risk of ending up just like me. But all she sees are the things she's missing out on. She sees old friends driving, working, and graduating. I get it, but I'm at a loss. I've failed miserably at parenting. I need to get her back on track with school so that she graduates next year. We've talked about it, but I haven't pushed a four-year college degree, but I think some type of technical/vocational program would be okay. We've talked about volunteering abroad, going into the military, and apprenticeships. Once she figures out what she wants to do. She's been a pretty good kid. I've only grounded her a couple of times. I haven't been very strict with her because I haven't felt the need. Until now. I'm dreading the next year. I know I've got to get back to where we were. Everyone and everything around me is just going to have to wait, I refuse to sit by and watch Ravyn throw away her future. I've got to at least try to stop the upcoming train wreck. |
| At long last, I have health insurance! More importantly, I have Latuda! I've been off medication for longer than I like to admit so I damn neared cried when I picked up my prescription today. My new doctor seems young, but she's terribly friendly and eager to get to the bottom of all my weird symptoms. She biopsied several areas of my swollen ankle and foot, saying it's possible I have psoriatic arthritis but I feel like she was thinking about something else. I'm just grateful for the steroids she gave me, the itchy has already become tolerable. I'm fasting tonight to have bloodwork in the morning. My blood pressure was good (surprisingly), but the real cherry on top is that I've lost weight. Even though I've been trying, I was sure I had gained some. The bad news is that I'm still not able to leave my foot down when I sit. It has to stay propped up. Which means no long drives. But honestly, I'm fine with it. Too much has happened lately and all I really want is to get the crazy train back on track and feel normal. After a year of being stuck in the house with Corey and Ravyn and losing several family members, it's a miracle I haven't hurt myself before now. And my husband...well, he's here. I admit that I forget he's built differently than others, but I think we've all gone a bit mad lately. Ravyn told me I did go bat shit crazy on him for not mowing the yard. I'm embarrassed to say I don't really remember much. But I've agreed to give dialectical behavior therapy a chance and Corey agreed to counseling, so there may be hope. It's tough, not knowing why I was born this way and really, not even having a definite diagnosis. It's exhausting and terrifying. Is it bipolar or borderline? I've been asking for years. Today the therapist expressed concern that I have both. I told her to shut her whore mouth before she hexed me. I swear, I've never been so thankful for not having to worry about getting pregnant. Imagine- a man with Asperger's reproducing with a borderline bipolar woman- Armageddon would surely follow! |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it. 