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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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| Man, I started the year off with so many grand ideas and plans that now I'm wondering if I had too much champagne when I wrote my plans for 2019. The truth is that I've always aimed higher than I should. I think I did pretty good with everything until October. I'll never figure out my need to keep up appearances. My life hasn't been a roller coaster. Oh no, that would be too easy. It's been like dodging icebergs through the cyclonic storms of the Southern Ocean- an idiotic voyage that most would avoid. I feel like I should have my shit together by now. I just turned 40. Most of the people I went to school with are living the (so-called) American Dream. I'm trying to find my dream. Or rather, which dream to pursue. So many ideas, so little time. I hate time, that judgemental bastard. More than anything, I'm tired. Not just because of my battle with chronic fatigue (thank you, Lupus!), but I'm tired of not knowing who I am, where I'm going, or even if I'm on the right path. I believe that God has a plan for everyone, but he also has a sense of humor. Cue Free Will. So I'm sure God has been amused watching me run in circles because I'm too much of a control freak to just stop and listen. My Soul Sister is taking me home with her Friday so I can clear my head and regroup. The best part of the Ozarks is the majestic feeling I get being surrounded by the lush forest. It's a snug cocoon where I can relax while the mountains stand guard around me. I can breathe. And this time, I might just listen. |
| First of all, I'm okay. Well, I'm more okay than I was two weeks ago. If I just focus on today instead of the big picture, I can have an okay day too. I've been having a lot of anxiety, over the most asinine things. The world will not go up in flames if we have spaghetti instead of chicken for dinner or if I don't go to the Friends of the Library meeting. Although I'm sure they'd be relieved that my sister can't turn up drunk and walk out with a reference book under her skintight shirt. 💃 🤦♂️ Ya'll just don't know about small-town scandal until you've heard some of her high jinx! That's another thing, why do people have a problem with gallows humor? It works for me so I really don't give a shit if makes others uncomfortable. Besides, my sister would appreciate it. So yeah, I'm a little more okay than yesterday. I'm not ready to talk to see or anyone because I just can't stand it at the moment. But I refuse to retreat anymore than I have already. So for today, I'll be sitting in my backyard watching the squirrels jump from tree to tree and thinking about all the crazy stories I could tell about my sister. While drinking a tasty mimosa, of course. |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it.