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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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Corey messaged Sunday to tell me he unblocked me and wanted to talk. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him. Upon the advice of a dear friend, Legendary❤️Mask   , I made a list of questions I need to be answered. I know there are things I'll never understand, but he can damn sure try to explain himself. No matter how mad I may be, at the end of the day, I do love him and want this to work. But it takes two. So I told him I'm willing to talk to him, but first I want to know if he wants to walk away or try. Honestly, my first concern is figuring out where I'm going to go Monday and how I'm going to get there since the car is 100 miles away. I want to have a civil conversation about that before talking about our marriage. He agreed to get the car from the shop and bring it to me. Of course, then I'd need to drive him back. But I can keep my mouth shut for two hours if it means I'll have my car. Unfortunately, when I called the shop Monday, I was told it probably won't be done until Friday. We had a light-hearted talk Monday, and on Tuesday, he said wants me to move up there with him and figure out how to make things work. We agreed to table any deep conversations until we're face-to-face. New plan: drive the car to me Friday, load up a rental truck, and put everything into storage In Sulphur Springs. This morning, however, I talked to the shop and learned the car isn't done. There was hidden damage and the insurance company needs to look before signing off on it. They went ahead and ordered the parts since it takes so long to get them. It might be done at the end of next week. Corey was offered a job at his interview this morning, so I haven't been able to talk to him about it yet. His dad bought a truck and is letting Corey make payments to him for it. While I'm not happy about that, I don't even want to discuss it. I just need to know where the hell I'm going to be next week. My nerves are shot. I'm the opposite of a stress eater. I've dropped enough weight over the last two weeks that my ring falls off. I keep breaking out in hives too. So for now, I wait. |
| I keep thinking my husband will come to his senses and tell me this is all some big misunderstanding. Instead, I've discovered he has no intention of helping me in any way. Our car needs to be picked up from the shop Monday. It's in the same town he is- 100 miles away from me. In order to pick it up, the insurance deductible needs to be paid. I have the money but no way to get there. While I'm worried about this, his dad buys a truck for him to make payments on. The same amount as our car payments. I got us ahead on payments and we have 2 years left instead of 3. We've paid 20k so far and only have 10k left. And he's just going to let the bank have it back. Plus, the shop can press charges against us for not paying for it to be fixed. I'm at my wit's end. He's not even planning on filing for a divorce. He's just going to pretend I don't exist and erase the last 7 years. How can he be so cruel? He knows I can't get the car, he knows I can't pay the bills by myself, and he knows I have nowhere to go. He knows my last husband left me like this and I had a nervous breakdown. I spent nearly a year sleeping in my car and on people's couches until we got together. Why does he hate me? Fuck, I don't even know anyone to borrow a couch and I don't even have a car. I'm sending my daughter to live with people I've never met to keep her safe. I want to hurt him so badly. I'm going to start trying to sell what I can before I have to leave in a week. My ex-husband is storing a container of pictures and a few sentimental things for me, but what I can't sell gets left behind. All my beautiful books. The town has an annual city-wide yard sale, so I can't have one of my own. The only place I've found that could help is a battered women's shelter. But since I'm not actually a battered woman, I would have to have a child in order to stay there. I'm not subjecting Ravyn to that when I'm pretty sure she'll be okay with her dad's mother-in-law. I've been sleeping a lot lately, but now I'm wide awake and angry. I'm never trusting another person again. |
| I've never felt this humiliated. I have 9 days to find a place to live. Ravyn and Trixie are going to my ex-husband's mother-in-law's house. I have a few scattered distant relatives that I reached out through Facebook. This is what my life has become. Corey said I could have the car, but it's in a shop 100 miles away. He's now blocked me. |
| I don't think I've been shy about being diagnosed with bipolar 1 as a teenager, how I struggled with postpartum depression twenty years ago, or starting DBT for borderline personality disorder early this year. But I can honestly say, I don't think I can recall ever feeling this way. I've been depressed, suicidal, manic, even psychotic. This feels different. I can't even name this feeling. Lately, there have been so many different threads unraveling that it's been impossible to regain control. In trying to care for everyone around me, I've completely lost myself. I think I've been pretty vocal in trying to get my family to see that I've been overwhelmed, but maybe not. Maybe they've just been so wrapped up in themselves that they didn't hear me. Or maybe they assumed I was just being dramatic. What astounds me is that even now, when I've been so close to fading away, no one seems to be noticing. Is it my imagination? Is it my irrational fear of abandonment? One thing I do know is that I'll feel better one day. I don't know how or when, but it will happen. |
  What do you do when it takes all your energy to stay alive? There's none left for me to figure out what to do. My brain is screaming from exhaustion. I feel a sense of urgency that intensifies every time I take a deep breath. I distracted myself watching tv yesterday. This morning, I played some kick-ass music, showered, got dressed in real clothes, looked through some letters to cheer me up, tried to study for my bookkeeping class, and then cried. Oh, I also talked to my husband. I don't know what the hell is going on with him. He's lost his mind. That's the only explanation. I think he still loves me, but he's tired of all the drama with my family and has given up. But the facts are clear:  Our car is sitting in a shop, waiting for the insurance authorization form to be signed before it's repaired Husband quit his job & is staying with his dad while looking for a new job Ravyn has decided she'd rather live with her dad's mother-in-law than me I'm eyeballing the last of my medical marijuanaNot too long ago, I told my husband that I thought God has forgotten about us and he responded with, "Maybe we've just forgotten about God." Considering that I've never been able to get the man to church and he rarely says anything remotely spiritual, it seemed like a strange statement. I lost my faith some time back and stopped trying to find it. I can't go on in my current state. It's too much for me to handle alone. I think it might be time for a new plan. Any tips on how to do it? |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it. 