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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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I was all set to rant about how 2021 is going to be as crappy as 2020, but I had a realization: I'm an idiot. So January has been a bit of a shit storm, big deal. No one in my tiny circle has died and it doesn't look like anyone is going to die soon, so really, what is my complaint? Do I have food to eat? Do I have a roof over my head? I've gone without both of those before, so I'm grateful to answer yes to both questions. I don't think you can get any more basic. Moving up a notch, I ask myself- Does your husband have a job? Do you have transportation? Do you have clothes to keep you warm? Are your children healthy and safe? Again, I'm thankful to answer yes to all. So why was I all fired up to list the ways the year is screwing me? Good question. Maybe I'm negative by nature. (That's what my mom says. I say I'm a realist.) Maybe it's just become a habit. It seems like many of us are quick to compare our woes like some twisted competition to see who has it worst. (And that's what I say about my mother.) I'm well aware that I often use this blog to bitch and moan. That's my choice. It feels good to pound out my frustrations on this keyboard and see the words on the screen. Then I close the laptop and walk away, leaving behind those feelings of anger or resentment. The feeling of abandoning that unwanted luggage is priceless to me. I suppose I've found a good goal for this year. Not to let the tragedies of 2020 poison my outlook of 2021. It only took me all of January to find it. |
It's crappy that we all kind of feel the same way. In our 30's, 40's, 50's, and 60's..there's the same quest for fulfillment. I guess it's also reassuring to know that there will always be someone that'll understand. Plus, this might help the insane anxiety I get over not having enough time. Damn, too bad Christians don't believe in reincarnation. I'd never have anxiety. Actually, I'd probably have more.  So, I told my family I'm finally picking up and running away from home. The reactions were varied. Hubby: Just let me know when to take you to the airport. Daughter 1: So it's perfectly fine for you to just go 1400 miles and meet strangers from the internet, but I can't go 300 miles to San Antonio for the weekend? Mother: If I can get the vaccine before then, can I go with you? Wouldn't that be fun?! I mean, I probably don't have many years left... Daughter 2: If I go into labor early, you'll come back, right? I thought you wanted to help. I can't believe you're just going to some writing thing instead of waiting for the new baby! Nephew: Have fun with the earthquakes and smog. Did you know that your chances of being killed by... It's nice that the hubby gave me a yes, dear and went right back to his game. Daughter 1 has clearly forgotten that my Mom card trumps her Child card every time, but I'm impressed she got the distance right. Daughter 2 probably can't tell you when or where I'm going, just that I'm jetting off in her possible time of need. Now, my mother should know that her attempts at a guilt trip don't work on me, but I give her credit for trying. And my nephew has compiled a list of places to avoid if I want to make it back home in one piece. Yeah, I'm ready to shake things up. Gently, of course. |
I've been really bummed lately because I feel lost. I feel as if I'm about to start a new chapter in life, but I don't even a title for the book. I thought by 40 I'd have it all figured out. I don't have a bad life, it's just not what I had hoped. I was going to be a great writer and travel the world before marrying a rather well off chef and having a prize-winning poodle. Instead, I have zero books published, I've got two kids that haven't won any prizes (yet), a husband that hates to cook, and although I've been to the Lower 48 (mainly in a big truck), the only country I've spent time in Mexico, which I barely remember. What am I good at? Heck, what do I enjoy? When was the last time I had fun? I've always been a bit...not flakey, but restless. I've lived in multiple states, had a variety of jobs, my hair has been every color of the rainbow, and heck- I've even had two husbands.  There are so many things to learn, see, and try! How can you not want to experience every little thing on this planet? Am I the only one? As I'm nudging my youngest towards the door, I realize I have an opportunity. I can't do everything in my wild imagination, but I can do a few things. I don't know what, I just know there are possibilities. I think that's a good place to start. It is odd how things play out though. After telling my mom I'd like to go somewhere while places aren't crowded and prices are lower, Schnujo's Giving Away GPs  offers a tempting invitation. Now, the old Krista would have jumped in the car without thinking. Of course, the old Krista was 20, free, and stupid. For the majority of my life, my mother (and various family members) told me I was too reckless. I didn't think things through and consider the consequences. Now, I'm 41 and overthink everything! How in the world did this happen?! |
I'm cycling through so many emotions that I'm almost scared. My stepfather has left my mother and nephew. Which means they are about to be homeless. Everything is pretty much taken care of for January, but next month would be a challenge. My mom doesn't have an income, but she has a little money in the bank. If she tried to stay and cover the bills herself, it'll be gone in less than a year. Not to mention her truck is on its last leg. At 250K miles, she was looking forward to getting another one soon since my stepdad is tired of poring money (and time) into it. But it's not the money exactly. I've been encouraging my mother to apply for disability. Although she qualifies she's resisted on principle. She has COPD and at her last appointment, her lung capacity was only like 45% or something. So she probably could get a small stipend each month. And she'll be 60 in September, so she'll qualify for senior housing then. (Zak would have to stay with us though.) Medicare isn't an option till 65, so if she had disability it would also take care of health insurance too. She desperately needs it. I don't want to be graphic, but her uterus is falling out. I didn't even know that could happen, but it's terrifying to think about. We don't have any other family to help. My mom has a couple of aunts out there somewhere, but they've got to be 70. My uncle, my mom's brother, has been out of her life since we found out he's a sex offender. Her sister has been a homeless drug addict since my grandparents died a few years ago. (She's always been an addict, my grandparents just let her live there and ignored it.) I have two cousins, both younger. One is serving 20 years and the other is off getting his Doctorate. At least someone in this family has done something good. (I'm extremely proud of AJ.) Technically we have the room. Our new place is 3 bedroom, but my husband took the smallest for his man cave. I am absofuckinglutely not asking him to give it up no matter what. The back of the house used to be a screened-in porch. It's been enclosed and added on to the kitchen as a big laundry area, so I thought I'd take it over with all my craft supplies and business crap. I've been needing more room and just my own space for some time. I seriously, I could cry at the thought of losing it. Ravyn took the upstairs, which is more like a studio apartment. She could share if needed and wouldn't complain too much. If we throw up a room divider, we could throw a full-sized bed in it and still have space. The old front porch was added to the living room, so it's pretty big. We've got part sectioned off for a dining area. We could put up a partition or something and throw a bed over there. It might be kind of ghetto, but it's not like anyone would know. (Besides the whole 3 people that will read this entry So there's a very big possibility that she would only need to stay with us for a year. We could make room for her and she could take care of her and Zak's expenses. But... I know this sounds awful, but I don't want them moving in with us. Hell, I've been trying to move away from her for the past three years! I'm embarrassed to go into details about our relationship[, but suffice it to say we don't have the best history. We have a blow up twice a year and I end up not speaking to her for a month or two. Honestly, I wish I could just walk away. Zak, who has Asperger's & Marfan's, still has a year or two before he graduates high school. (Homeschool) He'll be 18 in two weeks and she's been trying to find health insurance for him since he has so many health issues. That boy has been spoiled and sheltered for so long that I don't think it can be undone. And oh my gosh, she has four dogs that are spoiled beyond belief. They're chihuahua mixes and bark like they're being invaded when someone walks by the house, they see a cat, they see a bird, you get the picture. My Trixie barks when someone knocks at the door, which is rare, so we're always in a state of shock when we visit my mother and her pack tries to bolt out the front door as we try to walk inside. There's no way in Hell she could have them all here. Maybe one. So here I am, right back to where I started. What kind of person contemplates walking away from their mother when she's in such a predicament? This one. But could I live with myself? Possibly. I suppose that's what it boils down to in the end. What choice can I make that would still allow me to live with myself. I guess that's something I need to have a little chat about with God. |
I feel pretty darn good about the fact that I've got about half of our junk put away. I have a tradition of doing a deep clean and decluttering before the end of each year so that I start the next with a blank canvas. I didn't get to really do that for the end of 2020, but since this house wasn't cleaned before we moved in, I'm getting the chance now. Man, in November, I had two ideas I wanted to turn into a contest and a challenge for 2021, so I started to develop them with excitement. But as I hopped on today to make them live, I discovered that someone else had the same ideas. Gosh, dang it! Normally, I'd tell myself that technically there are no original ideas and go about publishing my version. But hell, the contest I planned is the exact same in every way and the challenge is much better. Frustrated doesn't cover the emotions I had this morning. Lately, I've felt very out of place. As my daughters grow into adulthood there's not as much room for me in their lives. Yes, they'll always need me, but not quite as much. I mean, Ravyn is 16 and not leaving home for a while but I'm no longer the center of her universe. Which is good for her but crushing to me. I've spent years planning my day to day schedule around hers. Now that I don't have to focus all my attention on her I don't know what to do. I have many hobbies but get bored of them easily so I tend to cycle through different projects. I have a Cricut Joy and three domains I've never used. I once hoped to travel when she left the nest. I've been to all of the lower 48 thanks to my truck driving ex-husband, but I didn't get to explore as much as I would have liked. Unfortunately, I'm not going to have the resources needed to travel too much. I might be able to make my way out of Texas, but I don't know about getting back. My brain tells me that this is a normal thing many women go through at some point. The rest of me thinks I'm an idiot for not carving out time to connect with myself over the years. |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it.