Proclamations & Confessions

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Yes, I've been there before, although I didn't realize it at the time. One day I woke up, looked around, and realized my life is shit. I'll be 40 in a few months and I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Between my own bad choices in life and the shit deck of cards I've been given, it seems obvious I need to make some changes. Where to start? Maybe a better question is what do I hate most? I've said to others that if you don't like something, change it. Whining and complaining won't do a damn thing about your situation. I'm just not sure how to begin the process.

My husband.
No, I don't hate my husband. I hate what our relationship has become. We're not on the same page about our future. I can't get him to think about it. I hate the town where we live. We've been married for 5 years and have spent 4 here. Originally, we moved up here because we were under the impression that my step-dad had a job lined up for him. I admit that I should have done my homework. But here we are- stuck.
We have no retirement plan. We don't even have a one year plan. This irks me more than I can ever explain. It doesn't help that I'm completely financially dependant on him. I hate this more than anything else. We don't agree on money issues and that's a big problem.

Overall though, I can say exactly what my biggest problem is right now. I'm not happy. There's no joy in my life. I don't look forward to anything. I'm not even content. I'm just here. Taking up space and oxygen from all the happy people of the world. I feel like I have no purpose. Well, beyond making sure Ravyn doesn't morph into a serial killer. I think I've got that part nailed. Being a parent is great, most of the time, I'm not complaining about parenting. Surely there is something more for me. Some satisfaction or meaning. Anything besides being stuck in a pointless existence.

Sometimes it's difficult for me to identify an actual issue. I could just be depressed. It wouldn't be the first time I've blown a small thought into a paradox that later I could clearly see was insignificant. Oh, the embarrassment and guilt that comes with irrationality! I've been cycling through moods at a rapid pace this year. Plus, my hormones are out of whack. It's exhausting.

So what am I going to do? Change.
How will I accomplish this? Slowly.
What's the first step? Admitting the problem.
Thanks, smart ass. Now, what comes after that part? ...