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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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I honestly can't tell if something is wrong with me or not. Besides the usual craziness, I mean. I'm neither up or down, which would be great except that I feel...nothing. I'm not angry at the world, scared to leave the house, or overcome with sorrow. But I'm also not happy, excited, motivated, or even just content. I'm stuck. Frozen in time. There's nothing I need to be doing and I don't want to do the things I should or could do. I've slacked off on school shit and my housekeeping skills have slightly declined. I really need a friend and possibly an actual life beyond this house. Several years ago, I had a traumatic experience that changed everything in my life. I remember thinking to myself that it was strange how I survived something horrific and wasn't affected at all. But that's all I thought. Nothing seemed real. I'd sit around quietly staring off into space with a completely empty mind. After weeks of living with a person that did little more than exist, my friend, Josh insisted on accompanying me for a follow-up visit at the hospital. When he repeated some of the things I had said, the doctor quickly said the void where I had taken up residence was actually something called dissociative PTSD with symptoms of depersonalization. I almost feel like that now. Almost, people, don't freak out. I'm sure whatever this is will soon pass. Hell, I figured being cooped up with my family for so long would have us fighting in the front yard, but it hasn't happened. Thankfully, I mean, it's bad enough we live in the barrio, but we don't have to behave like our white trash neighbors too. Ah, little blessings. |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it.