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 |  Pearls of wisdom, inappropriate thoughts and the occasional rant. |
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| It's amazing how quickly your life can be upturned. I believe in God and that He has a plan for each of us. But I also believe in Free Will. Those two ideas used to freak me out. I would run in circles asking myself What if? What if? What if? I think that's probably when I realized prayer helps me. Yet I've spent the past two weeks replaying conversations in my head and trying to figure out how I could have changed the inevitable. I've known for a long time that I have control issues, but today the lights came on and I realized that I'm not God. Well, damn. So I prayed. Then, I cried. At some point, I fell asleep. Four hours later, I woke up pissed off. What the hell? This is typical Jennifer. She just does what she wants with no regard for anyone else. Hell, why let having a kid get in the way of partying when someone else will pick up the slack? I didn't exactly plan my kids either. As a matter of fact, I never wanted kids. I was going to travel and put my career first. I don't even like kids. I mean, mine are cool because I can tell them what to do, but let's face it- parenting can just be a gigantic shitstorm at times. Anyway, I've been mad at my sister for so long that I can't remember when she got lost. And there you have it- guilt. Doubt. She was jealous of me and I could never fix it. I had 18 years with my dad and she had 11. Well, Jennifer, you finally beat me at something. You got to see Dad first. While the two of you are reuniting, I'm still here dealing with the knowledge that although I never stopped loving you, I did something much worse. I ignored you. |
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but seems to be okay today. I worry about my poor circulation, scrub my toes with a soft bristle brush, watch discoloration come and go. I probably need new arteries or veins but hey... "Heathcare" USA (enough said?). I may be better off trying something here in Thailand. But still... wish I lived in a country that had adequate patient based healthcare. Thailand and Taiwan mostly do, but I can't access it. First world systems like Europe, Canada and Australia do, but again, I can't access it.