MirandaCookies IS IN COLLEGE You are always welcome to show me the stuff that is a little off base and then I can improve it! That's my happy face at having a second pair of eyes besides my own, well, besides my glasses which makes it six then. I am always a fan of your reviews and improvements you give me. *nudge, nudge, starts hacking*
I feel like I had a hard time transitioning from the home to the bank. I felt like the bank was a good feel to it. I feel like maybe middle could be played with? I'll reread it giving it some waiting time then see.
Well. Yeah, so this is great. Seriously! It seems slightly heartbreaking and suspenseful. I enjoyed this. Great prompt, and execution. I do see a few things out of place, but this is just a writing exercise so I shall shush about it.
Hey there Sumojo! Thanks so much for reading and commenting on my story! I like these characters too and Elize totally gets in her own way with things. Luckily, Mac is pretty easy going and isn't surprised by her brain being... let's say, overreactive is a good word? Thank you again for commenting and giving me feedback!
I really like the concept of this story. Elize is ready to move on in the relationship but her fears are overwhelming her. This follows really well what we were asked for in this assignment. Elize is the one who really wants to move their relationship on to the next level but is afraid she may ruin things if she pushes Mack too far. Her concerns and his reactions to them are well portrayed. Well done.
Cheers Sue
I have just read "Invalid Entry" and would like to share my thoughts.
PLEASE REMEMBER, these are only my thoughts and opinions.
Overall Impression
You definitely created some sexual tension with this piece.
I think your title is where the sexual tension begins, and that's a good thing. It reminded me of a song by Salt-N-Pepa called "Push It."
Music is a great way to instill sexual tension. Excellent choice.
However, I feel this story was a bit rushed. We had 2000 words to use for this assignment. I feel like you could have worked this out to be a little longer and therefore, prolonging that sexual tension.
My Favorite Part:
The fact that they were so carefree with their affection was my favorite part.
Setting:
This story took place in a car and a bakery. A bit of description for both places might bring the reader more into the story.
Sumojo Thanks so much for commenting! I am expanding it but got caught up with where to go.
prettypoetry The class is this one right here: "Building Sensuality Class Forum" . We're in class right now, should be going on for a month or more. But, I'm sure they'll reopen back up and you could join for what class speaks to you. It's helpful and we get good feedback!
Luckie 🍀 Lol, I love how you sat that it's a bit disgusting but you like it. And good deal then, I hit the horror points I wanted to with the story. Thanks so much for reading and commenting on it! I wanted to have it be quick, fast, but grotesque as well.
This was a fun little read! And a bit disgusting lol i like it!!! It made me wonder what these people did to end up in this situation, especially Claire and and the woman who got her thumb cut off! That made me shudder!! Great job!
Sumojo Thanks so much for the feedback and I totally edited it thanks to your suggestion. I agree, it reads better, thanks so much again for reading and commenting! I didn't know how to jump forward with them so I was hoping it was smooth. I like to go painfully slow with my characters if they like each other so had to push them forward to that further time in dating and hope they played well.
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That's my happy face at having a second pair of eyes besides my own, well, besides my glasses which makes it six then. I am always a fan of your reviews and improvements you give me. *nudge, nudge, starts hacking* 
