What was that line before? I actually stumbled a bit over the "number part" line. I understand the intention though.
I feel this one, Char. I can't tell you how many of these convos I have. I can't stand it.
I thought the opening was stronger than the final part, but that's much your style.
On a side note, I'd consider swapping 'spitting' and 'crumbling', as "taste of pressure" would feel more natural if followed by "spitting" I think. Or something like... 'choking, spitting..' perhaps, since spitting also flows better into the next line.
Reading this back now, I think you might be right about the third stanza, Elle - on hiatus. So nice to have another set of eyes to catch things like that. Thanks!
Thanks for reading Anni Pon! I usually try to put emphasis on the opener, probably because it's usually the line the rest of the poem is built around most of the time for me.
Ooh, I really like the last stanza. It felt like it had power.
I struggled with the second stanza on my first read-through, but it made more sense to me the second time round.
I feel like maybe the third stanza would be stronger if you took out the first line and started it with 'I was just another in the number part' instead.
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