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It's time for me to start fresh |
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nothIn terms of stability, I recognize that I may not be the most stable. Today, I lose someone who I considered a friend. We have similar disorders, and she has the gall, after the things I've done for her time and time again, to disrespect me, and flat out insult me. This just makes me wonder about the quality of the friends we choose to be around. I'll be the first to admit I have attachment and abandonment issues. Which is why today, I take a step in removing the toxins from my life, starting with the people who've taken advantage, disrespected and hurt me. I give people chance, after chance, after chance to change. To do the right thing. Maybe that makes me a doormat. Today, that changes. I've always felt as if I'm constantly fighting. Fighting with parents, friends, teachers, myself. I get tired of the fight. Sometimes, it feels as though nothing comes of it. I'm going to make something come out of my fighting. No more screaming and tears for nothing. |
| Lately, I've found myself exploring pop music a little more than usual. I love just listening to the words, because you can tell which songs were made for listening, and which songs were made for dancing, which is so neat to me. I also play around with the idea of taking the rhythm and lyrics of a song and flipping the genre completely. For instance, Selena Gomez's song "Slow Down" being redone into something Marilyn Manson-esque. Next time you listen to it, I challenge you to listen to it with new ears, hearing what Marilyn Manson would have made of the song if they had simply handed him this song. Another thing that can be fascinating is actually hearing snippets of the artists life being played on a track. In Miley Cyrus's song "4x4" she mentions lying to "L". She was engaged to Liam Hemsworth. I doubt the choice was coincidental. Then you have Artists like Alice Cooper and Eminem who create characters and live them and grow them in their songs. It's absolutely fascinating. |
| I've been working so hard on the planning phase of my next story... I'm getting excited. :) I have my plans starting up, starting to understand the characters, and prepping them for their journey. I'm having the funnest time creating the histories and creating the world that my characters exist in. The history is based on my Dad's theory of the creation of the universe. He doesn't claim that its truth, but I want to run with it and make it truth to someone. I got the biggest compliment on my writing earlier. My boyfriend told me that he'd been secretly reading my writing on here. It was a pleasant surprise, I have to say. It's nice to know someone in my audience. The big shocker is his favorite poem... Written about my ex-boyfriend. He's fully aware of the poem's origin, if you're curious. It kind of gives me a bit more confidence in my work. If my current boyfriend can get behind a poem written for my ex, I must have something good in my words. He's also expressed an interest in writing, which I would love to nourish in him, perhaps even create something with him.... Wouldn't that be lovely? :) Have a lovely weekend, and write on! |
| I've been working so hard on the planning phase of my next story... I'm getting excited. :) I have my plans starting up, starting to understand the characters, and prepping them for their journey. I'm having the funnest time creating the histories and creating the world that my characters exist in. The history is based on my Dad's theory of the creation of the universe. He doesn't claim that its truth, but I want to run with it and make it truth to someone. I got the biggest compliment on my writing earlier. My boyfriend told me that he'd been secretly reading my writing on here. It was a pleasant surprise, I have to say. It's nice to know someone in my audience. The big shocker is his favorite poem... Written about my ex-boyfriend. He's fully aware of the poem's origin, if you're curious. It kind of gives me a bit more confidence in my work. If my current boyfriend can get behind a poem written for my ex, I must have something good in my words. He's also expressed an interest in writing, which I would love to nourish in him, perhaps even create something with him.... Wouldn't that be lovely? :) Have a lovely weekend, and write on! |
| Something that has always boggled my mind is how you can have a child, and not be a part of their life. How can a person leave their child alone, to fend for themselves? I've been listening to a lot of Eminem's latest album, and it's been a reminder of a deadbeat father. I was told all my life that he didn't care about me. I never saw anything that proved that statement otherwise. For the first 13 years, I can understand him not being around; my mother had a restraining order in place after he tried to kidnap me. Something I've been trying to sort out is the true story. I've only ever had my mother's side of the story. She hated him. He was abusive, controlling, and an addict. When I was in trouble, or if I was lying, my mother would throw it in my face that all she could see in me was my father. Growing up, I looked more like him than her, and as I grew up, I started to look more like my mother. This probably didn't help, seeing her ex on a daily basis. Throw in that mother and daughter relationships in my family are always strained, and you have a boiling pot of tempers and resentment. The trouble is, how much of what I "know" of this man is true? My mother coldly refers to him as a sperm donor, and nothing more. Trying to make a connection to this man in any way is incredibly difficult. After years of hearing the evils of the man, how do I try to talk to him without assuming that it's all true? He's never been around to prove her wrong. When the restraining order was up, he came to my home town, after being across the country all my life. But he didn't show up. I've always wondered why. What makes it harder, is that he couldn't remember me. At 16, my parents had my last name changed to my stepfathers. I was so anxious, knowing that my mother had my father on the phone, talking about signing and sending the papers. He didn't even know my age. I was 16, and he asked how my 12th birthday was this past April. I had turned 16 in May. My half-brothers birthday was in April, and he had turned 22. I've harboured so much anger, hurt, and sadness towards this man. And now, I wait on a call from him. I feel like I'm always waiting on him. He never shows up, and here I am, waiting again. Will he call? What can I say? "Where were you, and how dare you leave me without my father?" Luckily, I have my stepfather. My stepfather is my entire world. Aside from when I have to differentiate between my father and stepfather, he isn't called "stepdad". He's my Dad. My father. The man who raised me. He's my Dad, and he molded the person I am. He gave me everything he had, and to this day, would give everything up if it were to help me. He's the center of my universe, because he's the only person I had for so much of my life. When I was being bullied, he taught me to toughen up. When I was getting ready to break down, he'd glue me back together. WE've had a single fight in my entire life. One. At 17 years old, I had my first fight with him, and I tore him a new one. My fire comes from him, my inability to take no as an answer. As much as I love my Dad, I still need to talk to my father. I need to know who he is, for my own sake. I know that it would break my Dad's heart to know that I'm seeking out my father, but I need to. And I honestly think he'd understand why I need to do it, even if it hurts. He was there when I was asking about my father. As a child, I would walk up to random men in the mall, and ask if they were my father. My Dad is my father, and so much more. But the man who shares my DNA is out there, across the country, waiting to be confronted. |
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