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Printed from https://writing.com/main/books/item_id/1965014-Diary
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Rated: 13+ · Book · Biographical · #1965014
Story of my life.
Day to day I struggle, whether it's with school, relationships, family, etc. I have anxiety that causes me to be very shy and I am also an introvert. Because of this, I often put my thoughts to writing and express myself in that way. If you find you are interested in the daily life of myself, feel free to read on.
December 1, 2013 at 4:39pm
December 1, 2013 at 4:39pm
#799116
Dear Diary,

Today has been a rather normal day, however I'm feeling some distress. My anxiety levels are rising again because I have a mock interview for school this week that, if failed, will cause me to fail the class. We students have different assigned interviewers, some have the same, but I was the only one assigned an interview with the CEO of the college. People say he is really nice, but to me it still sounds like a recipe for disaster. The worst part to everything is that I have finally found something I want to do in life, but I am almost done with my current degree, which is not something I want to do and I fear I may fail at. Since I am in healthcare, I must follow the appropriate laws, which I don't know much about. What if I break the law when I get a job and end up in jail? I know this is very possible because I can be naive, unknowingly doing things, and it scares me to death. I have an externship coming up and I fear i may fail that. I have no office experience, no experience using a fax machine or office scanner. I just want to get this degree, pass school and externship and get everything over with. Then when the time comes I can go back to college for what I really want to do. The problem it, it would be my 4th time going to college, and I've already switched majors so many times because I didn't know what i wanted to do. Is there a limit to the amount of schooling I can receive? I know the situation looks bad, and that is what I fear. But after so much switching, I've finally found something I'm interested in. But this current degree I'm going for, I just don't feel like I'm fit for it, but I don't want to quit again, I want to be able to say I have a degree, I did it, even if i don't end up using it.

There's another matter that worries me. My boyfriend Alex had to move away for a while and it has been months since I've seen him. I worry that he won't be back in time for my graduation, and I really want him to go. There is also the matter of whether or not we will be getting a place together. I do not know if he is ready, he used to be but after our relationship ups and downs, the last time i asked he wasn't sure. I currently live with my parents and if he doesn't want to live with me or doesn't come back in time, I will have to find my own place which will require me to have a full time job. I prefer to be a stay at home girlfriend because of my extreme anxiety and my lack of interest in my current career field, which Alex supports my decision, but that won't work if I have to get my own place. I suppose we will see what happens when the time comes. I will end up going down whatever path God needs me to take. I just hope our relationship stays strong, as it seems to be again now. I don't want anything to happen to tear us apart again. We believe we are soul mates, that we are a part of each other and we make each other happy. He has told me he feels that way, so I have hope that we will be together forever, especially if God gives us guidance to a good healthy relationship.

For now I am on anti-depressant medication and I'm due to follow up with my doctor, however he says I am running out of some options for medication because none of them seem to work. The medication I'm on now I have been on before in the past, but now it seems to cause my mood to be irritable. I feel like it has helped my anxiety maybe a little, which is the only good side and I am afraid my doctor will tell me that I'm out of options. I always get really nervous to see the doctor, I have never liked going but i know that being on this medication I have to go. I just hope he can still help me out with my anxiety.

My life is so full of worries, how i wish I was more confident and intelligent.


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Printed from https://writing.com/main/books/item_id/1965014-Diary