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My journey to find my writer's voice and the lessons I have learned on the way. |
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I can hear the faint strains my writer's voice calling me. After years of silence, she is starting to speak to me again. I find I can hear her more clearly everyday. As I listen to the words she softly whispers to me, I want to sing them for the world. But, to make them heard, they must be more than lyrics. They must be the music of the heart. This is my hunt for the melody. If you want to learn more about me, I have an extended bio
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| It’s depressing when I look back over these pages. It seems to say the same thing over and over I don’t know why it’s never occurred to me that I’m really a negative person. Which is probably why I was attracted to Matt. I think he helped me lighten up. I need to redirect my life somehow. I keep waiting for it to come to me. My brain is so scattered and my pen can’t keep up so I’m trying to dictate and write at the same time but I’m not sure if that’s going to work. Maybe doing it this way will help the words flow better. It’s like they don’t come to me until my pen moves. My author. Voice is so different than my speaking words. I seem to be more eloquent and pensive. It’s almost like this is too fast and I don’t hear the words in my head, but this is by far the easiest way to do it so I’ll just try to get used to it and hope my words come as they do when I write them down. It’s funny how I can only write with my pen. It’s feels like once I say it out loud, I go from remote mode to speaker mode and they’re both completely different for me. I’ve gotta find a way to get all of the compositions in my head to paper. See I had all of these writing thoughts going through my head and as soon as I open my mouth to say them, they disappear. I don’t feel like it’s me doing the writing, honestly. The words seemed to jam up in my head when I speak them directly from my pen when I write, and I never know what I’m going to write about until the pen starts to move. For some reason I worry that my journal will be legible because of a all the half thoughts I would put in there. Maybe it’s just going to take me a while to figure out how to do this, but I can’t keep waiting all my life. I feel like I’m trying to hide or become someone I’m supposed to be. I tried to figure out why I’m like that. It’s like I go back to my childhood, and my sister‘s teased me mercilessly. It seems like such small stupid thing but I think I didn't realize how much it still affects me. It taught me how to hide or if not hide pee whoever they want me to be to keep them happy I’ve been so focused on that That I have lost myself in the process. Which is why I feel I have someone watching over and working through me. But I’ve lost sight of my spiritual side as I see my children fall farther and farther away from God. It makes me just want to give up. I feel like I didn’t do enough. I was a hypocrite and I still am. It’s just now my children are old enough to see it. They no longer respect me and look at me as uneducated white trash. Why am I so concerned about what others think. I assume they look down on me because I know that I’m lazy and depressed and now everyone else does too. I know I need to recover my spiritual side in order to do what I need to do I know I need to go back to church, but it won’t be the same for me anymore. I still believe the basic tenants but I have a hard time with all of the rules. I don’t feel like I should have to report to someone who’s making sure I don’t sin and that Im "worthy". That should be between me and God. Maybe it’s because I feel letdown that those aren’t the ingredients. I thought they would be. I read the recipe. I have used the ingredients, I baked the cake, but I didn’t get what I wanted. It either burned or fell. I always said that I was success as long as my children know God. Well, they don’t and they think I’m simple because I do they won’t even discuss it with me and I feel like I can’t ask them any questions about their lives. They don’t want to tell me anything or confide in me. And I know that they feel that way because that’s how I felt about my mother and I don’t want to admit it. I’m so sorry mom |
| I’m going to try and march ahead with this auditory writing. I never know what day of the week it is. Let alone the month. They all run together. The only thing that breaks them up is babysitting. Now I’m doing what never fulfilled me in the first place. I really didn’t enjoy having young children and here. I am doing it again But it is different when you’re a grandparent. Those small intervals are so precious and who knows if and when I’ll no longer be able to see them. Kylee could move. But all my other children say they don’t want to have kids. It’s probably for the best because of their world view. It’s very hard to be around them now. I feel so judged all the time when I do offer my opinion it holds no weight. And it is wrong anyway. I’m always wrong. And even in the odd moments when I’m right, I didn’t word something correctly and it made to feel like I am a racist pig And unaccepting of others. I have raised my children to be empathetic so much so that they are woke. And yet when they think of me, they have no empathy. I don’t know if it’s the truth but it’s definitely how it feels. |
| I’ve decided to start counseling and part of that requires me to write a lot about how I’m feeling. I think a lot of why I stopped writing is because I can’t seem to keep up with my thoughts. And every time I have something go through my head it’s only worded perfectly once. And then it’s gone. The older I am the slower my words come. My thoughts won’t slow down. In my last therapy session we decided I should write about things I like about myself. And I’m having a hard time coming up with the. I wonder if it’s just maybe whiny and needy here and if my self-esteem is low as I think it must be. It just seems that all the things I like best about myself are the things that annoy my family. But I’ll try to list them. 1. Socially outgoing. - I enjoy talking and I love meeting new people. I can speak to anyone and I know how to make them feel comfortable in my presence. This means I will talk to people standing in line next to me or even jump in on conversations that are obviously meant to be overheard. As I write this down, every sentence that has a positive, there’s the negative in my head saying “don’t talk to anyone”. it’s annoying because my family feels like I am overstepping and pushing my way into someone else’s conversations. When I watch shows like Dr. pimple Popper, a very similar personality to me, there is nothing but good things to be said. Why can’t I find a place where those skills are appreciated and not looked down upon I mean, maybe they feel that way because they don’t understand how it comes so easily to me. Or maybe I just really am that annoying. 2. My looks. I’m not supposed to be proud of that as my kids remind me often. I’ve managed to do keep my weight down, and I put a lot of effort into my hair and nails. I’m so glad that I can look in the mirror at like what I see. For a while there when I gained weight, I didn’t recognize myself on the outside. I’ve lost weight in the last six months and that has helped me to at least confidence in how I look. 3. Empathy and open-mindedness. - I try to see everything from all points of view. To the point that I’m losing myself. But when I speak to other people, my goal is to connect with them. Not to be right. I believe everyone has a different viewpoint and that there is no right and wrong. I understand that we all have opinions based on how we grew up and where we live. All of those things factor into who we are and need to be considered before reacting to someone’s bad behavior. 4. Forgiving. I understand that everyone is doing the best they can. No one is trying to hurt anyone on purpose. No one has evil intent. “Every villain is a hero in his own mind.” as long as I can see that someone truly understand that I am not being to forgive. I don’t like to hold grudges, and I don’t like to have arguments. I have become almost too quick to forgive and end up getting walked on. 5. Introspective. I am always willing to listen to posting view points and challenge myself as to their validity. I don’t dig my heels in so hard that I can’t be pulled out again. !6. spirituality. I feel a connectionthrough the veil. I am aware that this life isn’t the real me and that I am not a person with a spiritual soul, but a soul with a flesh and blood body. I want to access that part of myself. I feel like I understand the gospel and understand how it fits into God‘s plan. I tried to look at my life through heaven’s eyes. 7. Writing ability. I am proud of my ability to interpret difficult concepts into smaller pieces and to find metaphors that make them easily understandable. I almost speak in metaphor and continually finding patterns through that ability. |
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Get them to recount happy memories. Then you can read or listen to those happy memories and remind yourself how happy and well adjusted your children are, and that comes from knowing they are loved and having good support.
God and the Friend-Finder Ochestra! My mind totally saw marquee there for some reason. Too tired. 
