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My story is raw, emotional and very real about my experience as a new mother. |
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I have to say that without a doubt this has been one of my hardest years, and it’s only the beginning of July. I am for all purposes sake defined as a people pleaser. I have to please the needs of others around me and when I don’t, I feel like I have failed not only that person but myself as well. This is not a trait that anyone can just pick up or develop, it is a core need that will always be there no matter how hard you work to suppress it or work to control it. There have been so many times where I wished that I didn’t have anyone to please, no other needs to be met but my own, no other demands on my time, emotions or finances but my own, but when I get that bit of freedom there is a part of me that begins to look for someone to take care of, I sub-consciously look to please someone. Then one day sitting on my couch, staring at the television it occurred to me that I am incapable of fully satisfying my own needs, I realized that deep down I don’t think that I’m worth the time or effort of having someone take care of me. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I feel as if I am hanging on by a single thread, hanging on for dear life and the only reason why I am hanging on so tightly is because of my family. My husband and daughter; and I refuse to be that person. I refuse to be that person who gives up, who lets stress take control of her, who lets life drown her in a massive ocean of chaos. I know my family deserves the right to have his wife with him for the rest of his life, and her mother there for her as she grows up. I don’t want to sound as if I am standing on the edge of a building ready to jump, because that’s not the case. I want to express what I feel most mothers feel, but don’t want to say anything to their partners or family for fear of resentment or reprieve. I believe that there are many mothers out there who feel the way I feel and keep it hidden so that someone doesn’t take her children away, commit her into a psychiatric hospital, or shut her out because they can’t understand the immense emotions and responsibility that we have to bear every day. I have undeniably wanted to be a mother my entire life. All I was looking for was the right person to be with so that I could have the babies I wanted, the family I wanted, the life I had always dreamed of. I knew that being a mother would be the most amazing thing there is in the entire world; I wanted so much to know what it was like to bear a child for nine months, to deliver a child and be a mother to that child. I wanted to know about this great love that every mother talks about, how the love of a child opens your heart so big and lets out a love that you never knew existed. What was that like? |
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