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 |  "Clean cup! Move down!" ~~the Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland, Walt Disney cartoon |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Sometimes in life, you have to pick up and move down the table. A regroup, a fresh start. A clean slate. |
| Next Sunday, I will pull the trigger on my second book. It's the first book in a Sci/Fantasy series. This one will be published under my own name. Romance gets pubbed under my Romance pen name, Tessa Bonny. Sci/Fi under Teresa Blum. And I will soon have a pen name for my cozy mysteries, Tara Brume. (See what I did there?) This book is called Special Relativity and is the first book in my Multiverse series. The second book in the series will be called Quantum Entanglement. There is a third book planned, but I don't know its title yet. Next month towards the end of the month, I should also be pubbing book two for my romance series, Can't Go Back. I already have book three planned out for that series, too. It's called Someday. It is tentatively scheduled for publication in June. My Tara Brume cozy mystery series, The Sir Kay Mysteries, will start with the book Sir Kay. I hope to have it out by end of April or possibly first of May. And that's as far as my planning for the year goes. I have found, though, that I can write and get edited about a book a month. Since I published one book this year and am about to publish a second one, my husband has decided that I'm finally serious about writing and he is springing for us to go to the 20Booksto50K conference in Vegas in November. I'm super stoked because I should have several more books out by then and be in a place where practical information about running a book business is more helpful. I'm feeling it hard on the writing this year. |
| I feel like I'm entering the confessional. It's been four months since my last confession. That'll be four Hail Marys and two Our Fathers. Go forth and sin no more. So I stumbled through my list of "first do this" things. I now have a website for my "publishing house" https://www.turaspublishingmt.com. Last week, I hit publish on my first book. I really all these years thought I wanted to go the traditional route, but after doing the indie thing? I'm pretty happy with how it is going. I like the freedom and there are tons of groups online who will help you with the technical end of things. In the interest of saving some money (because I'm doing this thing on the stringiest of shoestring budgets), I even made my own cover. It's definitely not professional quality? But it got me out the door making money. I published through Draft2Digital and using all their tools, I was able with four or five steps to immediately "go wide" to pretty much every ebook market. I can also use them when/if I'm ready to publish physical books. They take a 15% commission of each sale. But that was completely worth it to me not to have to monitor 10 different sales revenue streams or figure out .mobi vs .pub files. (I'm a bit of a techie dipstick.) My friend helped me sort my website and link all the social media things together. I honestly don't think I could have done it on my own. She's amazing. She is also my writing accountability partner. She and I go to the coffee shop and write every Saturday morning so even if I do nothing else writingwise each week, she helps me write for a solid three to four hours. If anybody is interested my book is https://books2read.com/u/b5x2GA |
| Whew. You know, people who kvetch about how hard writing is have obviously never tried to Indie pub. Ho. Ly. Crap at all the nit picky little tinky dink details you gotta keep track of and track down and slay.  What kind of business will you be? Sort it with the state AND the IRS. File the proper paperwork or SUFFER. Best to do it right at the outset, too. Do you have an online presence? Social media? Website? Right. Sort all that. Will you be pubbing under your own name or a pen name? Or multiple pen names depending upon genre? Right. Sort that all out at the outset, too. Best to sort the social media for any pen names as well. Let's not forget tracking. Time tracking, money tracking, page turn tracking, etc, etc, ad naseum.Ugh. It's enough to make you wanna punch the Dali Lama! (I used to say punch the Pope, but lately every thing that man says makes me want to punch him. Holy Hell, dude. Your priests are pedophiles, admitting it is half the solution! But I digress....) Did you notice what wasn't on there? Jack shit about actually writing. Or editing. I have a decent stable of like 6 or 7 beta readers right now who are helping me with the plot holes and large scale crazy. I'm working up to finding a decent proofreader/line editor. I'm combing through it best I can so I can afford it. I figure I'll check out some of the editors on Fiverr for the final edits. I don't mind paying someone to do a quasi-professional side hustle job. All hail the side hustlers of the world. That's basically what writing is going to be for me right now. My side hustle. I am doing something I saw suggested in 20booksto50K, though. I've created a DBA publishing company who will basically publish only my pen names. (We're pretty exclusive over at Turas Publishing.) I just have to file the proper paperwork with the state for my DBA. I'd have already done it but the freaking State of Montana constantly tinkers with their website and 2/3rds of the links send you sailing off into cyber hell. I think I'm going to have to call and speak to an actual person. ~shudder~ I hate that. So I paid someone over at Fiverr to sort me a logo for Turas. I know what I want? So it was pretty reasonable. We will see what I think of it. I paid for the whole social media package, so hopefully I can use it for the Facebook page, the Instagram page, AND the website. I'm hoping for a good brand look. (Branding is big, I guess.) So right now I'm making a lot of lists and checking them twice. I am still in edits on my first book. I have like 3? 4? female POV scenes to add for continuity. I wrote the first two "test" (or Minimum Viable Product testing as Michael Anderle calls it) chapters that I sent to my Betas for the second book. Which will really be the first book in what I'm calling Bittersweet Romance novels. The first novella will be used as a reader magnet in my Turas Newsletter. I will use it to on board romance people with the Tessa Bonny pen name. See? SO MANY STEPS!! But I really feel like I'm starting to tackle some of the "do this before anything else" stuff. I am hoping for a Cyber Monday release for my second/first book with at least a month lead with the novella. I figure I will use October to finish the new book, start the third/second book and finish the edits on the first one so that I can do rapid releases with books one two and three. (Which I will shoot for a NaNoNovel. Altho I may not do the full NaNo, I may just, you know....write. Sometimes the checking in and tracking and circus hoop jumping atmosphere of NaNo is counter productive for me.) So (If you were able to follow ANY of that.) I will Reader Magnet in October/Nov and then rapid release the three main books starting Cyber week and then every two weeks right up to Christmas. For now? I need to sign off of here and go check my inbox to see if the Fiverr guy has anything logo-wise for me.  Also? If anybody has any reliable / reasonably priced WordPress webbuilding help they can give me? (Or point me in the direction of someone?) I would appreciate it. I am floundering at creating my freaking website. I feel like a not smart four year old. |
Well, people are drifting back into blogging. And by people, I mean Problematic Content  and Robert Waltz  . They've both wandered back from where ever it was they went off to. I suppose I should jump on the bandwagon and explain my whereabouts as well. I've been home. The End.  Sorry, I've got zero fun excuses for not updating. I read everyone else's stuff and comment, but my life is dead boring. I have tried really hard not to be one of THOSE grandmothers who posts tons of pics of the grandkids and constantly say how smart/cute/funny they are. (I mean, they clearly ARE, but that's not the point here.)For anyone just joining in who doesn't want to wander back through all 6 of my last two years worth of blog posts... The Road So Far..... Our only daughter, CJ, is now 25 and married. Her long suffering husband's name is Kyle. They have not one but TWO kids now. The older one is 2 1/2 and the younger one just turned 1 in August. They moved from Hobbs, NM, to live with us in Bozeman, MT, a year ago last June. We are having the rubber walls installed next week. Just kidding, we actually live in a fairly large house. (5 bedroom, 2 full bath) So there is plenty of room, but it sometimes feels like we are living in each others back pockets. Now.... I still have my same job working in construction doing data entry, safety and fuel management. My husband still has the same job he's had for 15 years. Both Kyle and CJ work (he is in construction, too) but she works at Michael's as the closing shift manager. CJ, Kyle and I juggle the boys between us. In good news? I've started writing in earnest. When I say in earnest? I've joined 20booksto50K on the Facebooks. It is led by several authors who have discovered a "formula" for writing that is kinda magic. They (for free!) list all the steps businesswise you need to take to actually self publish and then make money. It's a combo of Kindle Direct / Kindle Unlimited sales and Facebook AMS ads. I'd say that it's mumbo jumbo, but I have read many of their books. They are good books and they post actual sales data for what they are making each month. Let's just say, if I can do what they are doing? I can buy the kids their own house and I can stop giving monthly safety talks to morons who don't understand basic OSHA protocols. Since finding 20booksto50K (by the way this means, write 20 books and you can earn $50K), I've written a contemporary romance novella which is in second drafts. I have planned out two more books in the same "world" and I've sorted a "stable" of beta readers. I have sorted a "Publishing house" which will only publish my books. I have begun marketing under my pen name. My next step is to get a blog and Newsletter going under my publishing house so that when I release books under various pen names, I can blast out to a preset group of interested folk and get reviews. How long has all this taken me? I started about a month ago. Like typed out my outline for the first book on 8/19. I'm not sitting around trying to write excellent query letters or fumble through pantsing my way through my (three!) books I currently have half written. Instead for the first time, I'm approaching writing as a business. Not as an artist. People who have read other stuff I've written have said that the CR I am in the process of revising is one of the best things I've ever written. (And I never ever ever had thoughts of writing contemporary romance. Ever.) I have a pen name for my romance brand. I am feeling it. It's nice. So...that's what I've been up to. I will try to write in here more often. Those of you who would like to beta read for me? Drop me a line here or on the Facebooks (those of you I'm friends with). If anybody wants more info about 20booksto50k? I can add you on Facebook (they have no other websites or anything, just a Facebook group) they run lean and mean. Otherwise, I'll see everybody on the blog pages. Good to see some old faces back. |
| Gasp! Two entries in February! Well, the cooties have invaded our household en force. I have the stomach bug and so does CJ. We suspect the boys are coming down with it, too. Hubby has the beginnings of bronchitis. Kyle, that rat bastard, says he feels fine. I spent Saturday, Sunday and yesterday close to my own bathroom. But, I braved work this morning. I think I'm going to go home at noon. I'm just not feeling it. This morning I woke up feeling great...but not so much any more. I need to post a new chapter of my serial, Sir Kay, on my Facebook page, but all I've done since getting sick is read. I finished up (ok, I simply got as far as the latest book) a new series yesterday, Darynda Jones' Grim Reaper series. So far it is 12 books long. (I think there are some between book shorts or novellas, but I haven't read them yet.) Otherwise, I'm up to date with Charley Davidson's escapades. She is like a supernatural Stephanie Plum. Laugh out loud funny in parts. But there are tearful parts, too. I don't know, it's just a really good series; if you enjoy speculative fiction at all, I recommend it. I think my next series read will be Gini Koch's Alien series. A friend highly recommends them to me. I need to see if I can get them at the library or if I need to borrow them from my friend. Unlike me, she still has physical books. I have gone almost completely digital with both a nook and a Kindle. I have a couple of series from my teen years still in paper/hard back simply because I can't get them in digital form. David Eddings and a handful of others. The rest I've divested myself of as I've bought them in digital format over the years. I really really wish Eddings' heirs would get their shit together and get his books released in digital format. Last I read there was a fight between them and the publisher who wants to release them digitally, but the heirs want a bigger slice of the pie. IDK, they are all losing out on potential sales because I know I'm not the only person waiting for them to be released. While I'm waiting for the next series long read in my life, whatever it may be, I'm rereading The Wheel of Time. For some damn reason, I've never made it all the way to the end on them. I own them all? But I've never read Brandon Sanderson's last two books to end Robert Jordan's series. I've read literally every single thing else that Sanderson has written? So I know he's an author I love love love? But for some reason, I struggle with the shift to his writing and can't finish the last two books. I'm on book 3 right now. It is such a huge huge series that I always find new things about it each time I read it. One thing I have going for me as incentive to finish is that both CJ and Kyle are reading it. CJ is like me, she has read up to a certain point but never finished the series. Kyle is a virgin reader. (Although I should actually say listener, they are both doing audiobooks. I'm actually reading them.) I know it sounds funny. Reading a series between other series? But I'm never just reading one thing. Besides Wheel of Time? I'm also currently reading four other non-fiction books. The series I was reading before the Darynda Jones series was the In Death series by JD Robb. I'm not completely caught up on them yet. She is so freaking prolific. (JD Robb is a pseudonym for Nora Roberts.) In addition to her regular releases, she writes 1-2 books for the In Death series a year. I think she writes a book a quarter for her various series/trilogies. I aspire to that kind of regularity and readability. Nora Roberts is sooooo readable. So smooth and such just excellent flow to her books. I think she is the height of my "One day I will grow up and be like Nora Roberts" crush. Ok, I need to actually work now. |
| Holy crap.......I haven't updated this thing since August. I suck. CJ and Kyle and the boys live with us now. It's been quite an adjustment for us. All of us. I had a semi breakdown earlier this week because I feel like the whole family lives in my back pocket. Tomorrow is Hubby's birthday but I'm leaving the house for the day. Just to go out alone. Maybe hit the mall. Maybe take myself to lunch. I don't know. I could probably eat some sushi. Mostly just run the hell away from my house which feels like it is bulging at the seams. I mean, technically? We all fit into the house just fine. We have our bedroom, CJ and Kyle are in her old bedroom which is large. Thomas (our older grandson) is in our old guest room. The baby, Mick (who turns 6 months on Sunday), sleeps with CJ and Kyle but all his clothes, etc, are in Thomas' room which will be plenty big for both boys when they do move him into it. We have a large kitchen, a large living room and dining room. We all fit at the table and all have a designated place to sit in the living room. It's not a physical space problem? It's a mental space problem. I'm a super quiet person in real life. I'm bipolar so I have to have life ordered just so. A set routine, set meal times, go to be and wake up at basically the same time every day. I read and watch my shows. (Admittedly a LOT of shows. LOL) And I love waking up to Thomas running into our bedroom shouting "NANA!!" And I love sitting down to breakfast with CJ and the boys each day and having Mick make lovey faces at me while we eat. But, sometimes I feel crowded. And need to get away. Let my brain relax. I know it sounds crazy to say it's mentally crowded in my house and then talk about going to the mall? But it's anonymous in the mall. I can put in my headphones and sit in Barnes & Noble in the cafe area and read a book, listen to a podcast, play WoW, write, drink coffee and just chill out. It's also cold and super icy here, so it's nice to walk around the mall to get in my walking for the day. So, on an unrelated note? Those of you who are my friends on FB already know this, but I have opened an author page and have been writing a serial on it. I try to write it every week, but I'm not always successful with the weekly thing. If any of you want to be added to the page please let me know. Also if you already are on the page and are enjoying the serial? Please feel free to share it. |
| Two days in a row! Will wonders never cease? Since I was feeling super cabin fevery, Hubby took me out to dinner last night. There is a new restaurant in town called Sidewinders. There is the original one in Jackson Hole, WY and this new one here in Bozeman. We weren't sure what to expect? Because the building makes it look like super fancy food. It looks like a mash up of Frontier rock fireplace and exterior jammed together with industrial open warehouse tin roof kinda thing. I swear it's nicer than what I just described. So we expected hella fancy, sorta pricy food. But it wasn't! The prices were similar to Perkins or Applebees. $10 burger and fries. And the menu was super varied like.....idk....upscale American grill type foods. I had sweet potato fries and a BBQ pulled pork sandwich. Sooo tasty. It was less than $40 for both of us which included the strawberry shake I got for dessert. (Yummo. Huge straw to suck it through--like almost cartoonishly large. And it was super thick and creamy.) 10/10 would eat there again Afterwards we went out with some friends to a local bar and hung out for awhile visiting. We didn't get home til after 11. Which is super late for us. We are homebodies and usually in bed by 9:30. I'm paying for our little outing today, though. Clean room all day for me today, I think. It's hard for me to breathe. I haven't looked yet? But I think we are having an orange air quality day again. Ugh. Yesterday while I clean roomed? CJ and Kyle and the boys hung out up in their rooms playing video games. So I was able to watch the entire season of The Defenders on Netflix. LOVED it. I love all the Marvels Netflix series, though. I can't decide which of the Defenders I love the most. Daredevil is a little tragic? So I think not him. He's good? But sorta angsty. Jessica Jones is just a ball buster and I love her. But Luke Cage is gorgeous. So is the Iron Fist? But he's a little angsty, too. Actually if I had to name my favorite character? It would be Claire. The nurse. Because she puts up with no one's nonsense. Oh, so you are bulletproof? So what.....get your shit together. Oh, so you have super strength and can pick up cars and throw them? So what....get your shit together. Hehehehe. I love her. I've been watching Murdoch Mysteries with CJ when she and I are in the clean room together. It's a Canadian series set in Toronto at the turn of the century. We love it. They have famous people of the times on all the time. Houdini, Tesla, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle....many others. It's funny sometimes they will have people on and CJ will go......wait........X was a contemporary of Y?! Yes. Yes, they were. Like Tesla and Doyle being contemporaries of Jack the Ripper. It's an ongoing series with the 11th season being filmed right now. A few years ago, they swapped networks, though. So only through Season 7? I think? Is on Netflix. I am pretty sure our library carries Seasons 8 and 9 with season 10 due to come out soon. Although we might try Acorn TV and / or Amazon Prime for those seasons. Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised. Another series I love is Shetland. It is a British series set in, surprise, the Shetland Isles. Typical murder mysteries? But the scenery and setting is enchanting to watch. I think it's an ongoing series, too. But it is like Sherlock in that there might only be two or four episodes per season. It's on Netflix, too. I like a books, shows and movies where the setting is super important. Like, you couldn't move the series to another place or time or it would lose a lot. I try to think of that when I'm writing. What about my setting is helping tell the story or making it unique? |
| Four months. I don't write, I don't call. Since I've been commenting on all of your posts for the most part, and many of you are Facebook friends, I know you all know I'm fine. It's just been a very busy time for us. Let me explain....no there is too much, let me sum up. -CJ and Kyle moved in with us. We are happy (for the most part) about this development. Having four adults and two wee ones plus two dogs and a cat makes even the largest house feel a bit cramped, though. -Yes, two wee ones, CJ had her new baby on Aug 3rd (Mine and Hubby's anniversary) so Mick and Thomas now keep us super entertained. -Montana is currently experiencing one of the worst fire seasons on record. Half our state is trying to burn up, the other half is choking to death on smoke. We keep having orange days which means CJ, the boys and I all have to sit in the "clean room." Which is what we call our rednecked smoke free room. It has a portable air conditioner and an air purifier in it that run at all times. So we all start to feel a little trapped. It's our living room? So we have watched tons of Netflix and Disney Jr? But only being able to leave the room to go potty or grab food makes you start to feel cabin fevery. Mick seems to be the only one who doesn't mind, but then he's two weeks old and content to lie in his bassinet and sleep for hours at a time. -This year's health problem for me seems to be lung issues. I've been seeing an asthma and allergy specialist because I have lung inflammation that just won't go away. It makes the smoke affect me worse than normal. We think it's hold over inflammation from my multiple surgeries. I'm taking something for it, but mostly we just have to roll with it for now. That's it for now. I'll post more later. |
| Today is Beltane. Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be forty six. My mom sent me a package that arrived today. She knows very little about me, because we've been semi-estranged for years. Once (I think it was 08? 09? when we were still speaking) she and I flew to Maine to visit my sister. Just the two of us. While we were there we went to an antique shop. In there, I found vintage ladies handkerchiefs. I collect them. I have for years, but my mom had no idea at that time. I bought ten of them because they are usually fairly cheap, a couple of dollars each. Today's package was an offering of four vintage handkerchiefs. Two are hand embroidered. One with daisies, one with roses. With a card promising more in the future when she cleans out her hoarder garage. It amuses me she remembered. It makes me sad, too, because now I need to call her and that never goes well. |
| April is always a super busy month for me. Mostly because of commitments I get myself into. It is National Poetry Month. For those of you who would like to participate? "Dew Drop Inn"  Even if you don't want to participate, you can go read some excellent poetry. Katya the Poet  is kind enough to host it each year. If you want to start from the beginning and play along next year? Favorite it. She gears up a couple weeks early so you have some warning it's happening. "But I don't know what I'd write poems about!?" You wail. Well, no problem. Katya the Poet posts prompts each day.Also this month writingwise is Camp NaNoWriMo. For anyone who hasn't discovered it yet? Camp NaNo is just like NaNoWriMo with 1/2 the calories! Just kidding. It is a "Camp" held twice a year (usually April and July) where YOU set your goal. You don't have to write 50K at Camp. I know people who just set an arbitrary number and then write poetry each day. Me? I've set it at 50K on a novel I've already written and my goal is to edit it. One of the neat things about Camp is you can load your "cabin" full of friends who are also writing and encourage one another. I'm in a cabin with my best friend and my daughter. They both set super low word counts because both are extremely busy. If you've ever wanted to do NaNo, but felt the time of year (seriously, who doesn't have a house full of family the last of November?!) or the 50K word count was too much for you? Camp is an excellent alternative. I'm already planning my July book. Also, the REASON my daughter is so busy and exhausted? *drumroll* She will be having our second grandson in July or August. (We are hoping August, but she had preclampsia really bad last pregnancy, so she had Thomas our first grandson almost a month early.) Micheal Robert, but we are already all calling him Mikey. There is talk of them moving up here again. (From NM to MT) It's early days yet, but we are hopeful. My morning is getting on and I still need to do my daily "writing" before going to knitting later. Hope to see you all at the Dew Drop Inn! |
| It's spring here now. Finally the snow in the valley is melting and we are starting to see trees budding. That means it is killdeer season. For those of you who live in parts of the country without killdeer? They are silly little ground birds. They nest on the ground and their defense mechanism is to lead predators away from their nests by acting like they are hurt. They will shriek "Kill deer KILL deer" and drag a wing on the ground while running away from their nests. If you do stumble across a nest, odds are you can't find it again even if you are looking hard for it. They nest in rocks and lay 3-5 little eggs the size and color of rocks. Once I was weeding in my garden and the momma bird was losing her everloving mind in my yard. I couldn't figure out what her problem was until I reached down and almost smashed her nest with my hand. Ten minutes later and I couldn't find it again. If I hadn't been about to put my hand in it, I'd have never seen it the first time. The babies when they hatch are freaking adorable. They run around, little brown and white bits of fluff on little stilt legs, shrieking "PEEP PEEP PEEP." Once at work we could hear their frantic little peeping super clear. We looked out the front glass door and they were milling around on our long raised concrete porch all confused. They'd dashed up the handicapped ramp that runs up the side of the building. They had turned the corner so they had no idea how to get off the porch. The parent was dashing about on the ground below the porch "KILL DEER"ing them for all they were worth. We had to go out and gently herd them all down the ramp, the parent scolding us the whole time. I hope we have a good crop of them this year. I love the sight and sound of them. |
| Today is our first day back from visiting CJ and Kyle and Thomas in New Mexico. Traveling was a nightmare, but we had so much fun with them while we were down there. While we were there, Little Man learned to use a straw and how to growl like he is possessed. He also followed Hubby around in his walker like a baby duckling. Wherever Pappy was.........Thomas wanted to be there. Just to watch him. He watched Hubby like a hawk the whole time we were down there. Pappy has a beard that is kinda longish. At first Thomas was afraid of it and then all he wanted to do was stroke and pet it. Those of you who are friends with me on FB have seen all the pics and linking pics on here is a pain, so I won't bother. One day Hubby and I watched him for the afternoon and evening and he was soooo good for us. We went to the museum there in Hobbs, it is basically a Cowboy/Pioneer museum, but right now they have a traveling dino exhibit. The dino exhibit was kinda meh for Hubby and I because we are used to the Museum of the Rockies dino exhibits which rival large city dino stuff because Jack Horner was the director of the museum here for a while. (His research was Micheal Crichton's inspiration for the Jurassic Park novels.) But, we did get Little Man a stuffed T-Rex while we are at the Hobbs museum because HE thought the dinos were exciting. Then we just got in the car and drove. It was fun. Hubby and I enjoy little day trips to see local history. (Note? Southeast New Mexico's history is a little.......well? Nonexistent is the best I can say.) Oil. Oil fields and oil wells. In some places driving south of Hobbs? You can see fields and fields of pump jacks. At a certain point? I'd say you can see 300-400 pump jacks in a 360 degree circle from the road. It's nuts. Oh, and there is a facility where they produce Uranium. But it is very TOP SECRET and all securitied up. (As it should be.) We struggled with the guest "bed" some, too. It is an inflatable mattress. It is a really NICE inflatable mattress? And when properly inflated is one of the most comfortable beds I've ever personally slept on. However....... It has a hole of some sort that no one could find in it. And it would slow leak air until you had to air it up with the little electric fan thingy on it every two or three hours or Hubby and I would slide into the middle like that "I Love Lucy" episode. Problem was? Hubby always did the airing and he would get out of the bed to do it at two or three in the morning and I would still be sound fucking asleep. As soon as he got up I would bounce in the air and then promptly flop out onto the floor. Like a landed trout. I would be sooooo confused and try to climb back into the bed on my hands and knees and he would still be airing it up and he'd say, "Hang on, stand up, you can't get in from the floor, wait til I'm finished filling it." (It was about a foot and a half tall--too tall to just like, roll back onto-- also he didn't want me flopping immediately back out again.) But I was always asleep and confused so I would keep trying to get back in so he'd have to help me. The next morning he'd be all, "I'm sorry!" But damned if he wouldn't do it again to me the next night! I'll post about the awful travel later. |
| Yesterday I had a problem with my bipolar meds. I had to call in to work and say I was "sick." When what I really was was too bipolar for public consumption. Occasionally, we don't know why, my meds don't work for a day. And I stay home and have a lost day. Where I sit and have crazy racing thoughts. Things like "Hubby is going to die!" And other such helpful insane thoughts. When it happens I don't sleep the night before and I often have vivid hallucinations. I am happy, though, that now I can kind of divorce my sane brain from what is happening and do things to help myself. Like: Call in to work and take the day off. Eat decent food to help sort myself out. Talk with Hubby and run any decisions past him for the day to make sure they are ok things to do. NOT be in contact with people so I don't say or do awful things. Yesterday, I tried to sleep, but wound up sitting on the couch watching endless TV because it is one of the only activities that can distract me but I don't really have to concentrate on. It is mindless and numbing. Which is soothing to crazy bipolar me. Hubby thinks what happens on those days is that I somehow miss one of my bipolar meds. I have little pill boxes that I sort all of my pills into once a week. Hubby thinks on my lost days what happens is somehow I have missed allocating one of my bipolar meds into the little daily box. He's probably right. It only happens four or five times a year. And that is the most likely explanation. Today, though, I have to pick my life back up where I left off. Lost days notwithstanding, I have a life. |
| I have a friend I go to an open knitting group with each Thursday evening and the odd Saturday morning. I used to take my crochet projects and work on them. I've been crocheting for over 30 years and really find it relaxing. But I wanted socks. Crocheted socks are hideous. They are clunky, ugly and uncomfortable. So, I got a pattern, needles and accouterments and now I'm knitting myself socks. Unfortunately, I knit like a drunk monkey. Every time I go to knitting group, I have to get people to help me rip out or "tink" rows to sort things out. Once upon a time 25ish years ago, I knit a blanket. Since then I've never picked up a knitting needle. While I can crochet literally by feel in a dark room? I'm not kidding, I knit like a kindergartner. At 45, it is hard to be really proficient at one thing and then so horrible at the other. Really gives the ole self esteem a good kick in the butt. BUT.....I'm about half finished with my first sock. So, I am persevering and enjoying the journey. They are rainbow striped with an emphasis on the yellow and orange bits. I can't wait til I finish them. They are fun to make and I am already planning out my next pair. |
| Kare Enga has hosted a few "salon" discussions on his Facebook and I have chosen to NOT participate in one and to participate in another. As I told him, I guess I'm just all politicked out. (Disclaimer: I voted Trump but he was not my true pick out of the pack. More than anything? I voted against Hillary.) The rhetoric on my Facebook feed makes me kind of nutty. Pre-election I unfollowed any number of people who that was all that they posted was political things. (Both sides.) I thought post election it would be done. We could go back to some semblance of order in our lives. That didn't happen. Then I thought post inauguration we could go back. That hasn't happened either. The donkey laughing and neener neener from the right is making me as crazy as the hand wringing and shrill accusatory nuttiness from the left. The vitriol and foaming at the mouth hatred (on both sides), I'm just done with. The divisive, us vs them, mentality makes me physically tired. To my friends on the right. Stop rubbing it in. Stop laughing gleefully at every turn. It's childish and silly. To my friends on the left. Stop falling for all the hyperbole coming out of the media. Trump is NOT coming after you with pitchforks and torches. He has signed some controversial orders so far, but nothing you didn't already know was coming. Just. Stay calm. Wait for the initial dust to settle and then honestly assess his actions. Hubby and I had a serious talk about the orders he signed recently about cutting funding for overseas abortions and cutting funding for taxpayer funded abortions. Here is an analogy Hubby had for it: Trump hasn't outlawed abortion. Roe v. Wade still provides that abortion is legal in this country. HOWEVER, people who don't agree with it shouldn't have to pay for it. It would be like taxpayer money going toward the Constitutional right to bear arms. Where gun shops got a subsidy and people who bought guns paid only a pittance for them if they couldn't afford them. Why would some of you who don't believe in owning guns want to help pay for my new shotgun with taxpayer monies? I get that this is an over simplification and what is currently being touted in the media is that women's rights are being taken away. Well, no, they aren't. Women can still have abortions in this country. They will simply have to pay for them on their own. Like we do for other medical procedures. Nobody is helping Hubby and I pay for all of my medical problems and bills. We pay for that. We pay for the insurance and we pay for the out of pocket expenses. Here is a thought: If so many of these Hollywood people are so up at arms about women's access to cheap medical care is being taken away, why don't they fund clinics to help women? Why don't they start foundations to help with that sort of thing? Instead of telling me where my taxpayer money is going. By the way? I believe women should absolutely have the right to choose. That should be any woman's choice. What I DON'T believe is that people who don't believe that way should have to help fund it. |
| Mom (Mother in law) and I had Girl's Day Out yesterday. We laughed and cut up and in general had fun. When we were at the salon getting our mani-pedis? I helped her get her shoes back on and I realized her boot had a hole in it. So we went to the mall and I gave her the hard sell on getting herself a new pair of shoes. She's very much a "what can we do for you, I'm fine, I don't need anything" kind of woman. We got into the shoe store and she hemmed and hawed over new hiking boots, but we found a pair that fit her, that were an acceptable style and were super comfortable for her. She wore them out of the store and we put her old boots into the box. When we got home, we just brought the bag with the shoe box in and it got set to the side in my dining room with Mom's old shoes still in it. Part of what her doctor recommends for her memory health is to walk a mile and a half a day. I have been working half days so I can come home and check in with them and see how they are doing. (Today I came home to what was apparently an all day marathon of Gunsmoke that they had been enraptured with. I set them up with a channel on our TV before I leave each morning because they can't run our Dish or TV or whatnot.) So Dad pops up at about three o'clock and says they need to go to the mall to walk. (It's super snowy and icy and cold here right now. Temps below zero all week. Ice and snow all over the roads.) So Mom gets up to get ready. Dad was off doing something else to get himself ready and I was dicking around on the computer in the living room. With a corner of my brain, I notice Mom sort of bustling around up and down the stairs but I wasn't really paying attention to her. Then she sort of stopped out side the living room at the bottom of the stairs and says, "I can't find my shoes anywhere, I guess I left them out in the Jeep." Now.....she hasn't been in their Jeep in four days. So I started paying attention. I went out and asked what the problem was. So she tells me she can't find her shoes. I walked into the foyer and got her new shoes and handed them to her, saying, "Here they are, Mom." She looked at them and said. "Those aren't mine, aren't they yours or Rob's?" "No Mom, these are YOUR new shoes. We bought them yesterday. You wore them around and really liked them." "I can't imagine I got brown shoes." "They have the mint color on them you liked." She was getting kind of flustered so I just stood there with her while she processed. She kind of gave up and sat down and put them on. "If you're sure....." Then she got up and walked around in them for a minute, declared them super comfortable and went off with Dad to walk. Here's the thing: This woman is still handling the money at her work. Like the daily deposits and things. Can you see why that would concern me and Hubby despite Dad's assurances that she was fine? |
| Hubby’s parents are here. They got here the afternoon of the second after a late start. They insisted on driving this time. Which was foolish. They live in Colorado and it is a long slog across Wyoming in the heart of winter. They had to spend a night in Sheridan, Wyoming, because of road closures in Wyoming and Montana. It worked out though, because it is a twelve hour drive this time of year. The overnight in Sheridan helped break the trip up for them. FIL is seventy and MIL is sixty-eight. They struggle to do the full drive in one go. Especially when they are fighting bad, slick winter roads. For the first time since MIL’s diagnosis, they have been very up front and matter of fact with us about her Alzheimer’s. They had been hiding exactly what was going on with her. I am not sure why? Except they are from an age where you kept quiet about situations like theirs. You kept it all private and secret because of the stigma and what people might think. MIL is very embarrassed by her memory problems. Hubby and I were like, hey…this is nothing you can help. It’s a disease just like heart disease or diabetes. You don’t have to hide when you have those, so there is no reason to hide this. We are extremely concerned about the fact that not only is she still working, they haven’t told her boss about her diagnosis and MIL is STILL handling the deposits for her work. (We thought they had told them and Mom wasn’t doing the deposits anymore.) That isn’t fair to either her boss or her coworkers. Hubby is going to have a talk with FIL about that and other things. Such as the fact that her neurologist emphatically stressed that she didn’t need to be driving anymore. But FIL said, “Fuck him. What does he know? I had her follow me one day and she drove fine.” (MIL won’t drive with him in the car.) Mom has always been a hesitant driver, but now she confuses so easily-even going places she has been hundreds of times. She would be devastated if she caused a wreck driving on bad roads or because she hesitated turning or something because she was confused about where she was going. She wants to retire. She has told both Hubby and I multiple times that she wants to, but FIL tells her she needs to work for two more years before she retires. His thought process is that the minute she stops working and just sits at home? Her decline will increase exponentially. And while I agree that her just sitting at home alone isn’t an option? She needs, at the very least, fewer hours and decreased duties at her work. (She works in a T-Shirt shop in Estes Park, which is the main tourist town outside of Rocky Mountain National Park.) She has worked there for at least 25 years. Hubby is going to talk to Dad about maybe Mom just being a greeter or something there and not handling cash anymore. I think maybe we should see about an in home companion coming in a couple times a week to help out with housework and laundry and such and play games or watch movies with Mom. I don’t know. She has reached the stage where she is losing things or moving things without remembering what she has done with them. She forgets and it makes her increasingly paranoid. She tells Dad about the squatters in the basement. She is convinced people are getting in the house and stealing things. She lost her cell phone, but swears someone came in and stole it. It is heartbreaking to have her confide in you that she knows the people are there but that Dad doesn’t believe her about them. It’s weird. She can tell you she has Alzheimer’s, but she can’t draw the parallel that SHE is the spook (ghost) in their house moving and losing things. Even though she watched both her parents and both of FIL’s parents go through Alzheimer’s. Historically, Mom and Dad’s relationship dynamic was that Mom was the caretaker. (Dad has Bipolar I with EXTREME paranoia.) And while Dad is doing really really well taking care of her, making sure she eats good and gets her pills? It’s overwhelming for him. (He still works 60 hour weeks as a superintendent/manager for a construction company.) Like I said, Hubby is going to talk to Dad about both of them retiring and coming to live up here near us so we can share in the caretaking. Mom and I have a ball together. We have things we always do when she is here. Tomorrow we are having one of our Girl’s Days Out. We always have one when we spend time together. We go get mani-pedis, eat lunch at the Olive Garden, and then wander around “shopping.” Which usually entails a LOT of window shopping. I have learned that as she is now? I can’t admire things or she will buy them for me. I just have to look quietly or pull out things that would look good on her. She is Quickdraw McGraw with that credit card. I have to watch her when she pulls it out, too, or she will put it in her pocket instead of back in her purse and “lose” it. It’s hard to watch her devolve like this. She is one of my favorite people in the world to hang out and spend time with. It just breaks my heart. |
| Hubby and I are watching a program on the History channel called "The Selection." The premise of it is that they take 30 ordinary civilians and put them through a modified Special Forces training course. There are 6? 8? instructors from various US Special Forces branches (Navy Seals, Army Rangers, Delta Force, etc.) and they have modified the course to be more doable by regular folks, but still fairly grueling. They say that the attrition rate in the regular courses is about 80 percent. Like....eight out of ten military folks who go through the training drop out along the way. Out of thirty, there should only be six of these people at the end of the twenty days. They do a day of the training per episode (at least they have so far). Each new section of the training is called an "evolution." Each evolution gets more and more grueling. First physically and increasingly mentally. The episode we just watched was the....idk...torture evolution. It is based on combat pilot training where you are trained to withstand what the enemy might do to you if you are ever shot down and captured. Put you in a small box, play loud sounds at you...etc. All while you are kept in the dark with your hands ziptied together. Now.....logically, you would KNOW that they aren't really going to hit you with a taser because this is a reality TV show. Also? They aren't going to cut you or hit you or maim you in any way. (Unlike if it were a real situation.) But during this evolution......day 4....the group went from 16 people down to six? eight? people. There were people who just could NOT deal with kneeling down folded over in a small box. Some tapped out at the mere idea of the box. (Although if claustrophobia was a thing you had? Why sign up for it to begin with?) And they are super nice to you through the whole thing. Like.....they ask you quietly at every turn, "Do you want to quit?" Nobody gets yelled at or anything. It's not like movie military training. No one is yelling or calling you names individually. They quietly tell you, "I've been through this.....it sucks a lot. You need to dig deep. You can do this." And when/if you tap out? They take you aside and compliment you on making it that far and explain all the good things you did and how you shouldn't take leaving as failure. Seriously. They are super nice. I mean........there's no way *I* could ever do it. I'm just not physically tough enough. But mentally? I think I could. You read about actual POW's and people who have been in extreme situations and all of them say that to get through, you have to take your mind somewhere else. Like one guy built a house. Like real time. He would see himself hammering every nail, cutting every board. When things got bad? He'd go into his head and build a house. Another guy would play golf. Without skipping any of the steps. In his mind he'd pull out his club, set the tee, do practice swings, hit the ball and then walk to the ball. All of it taking as long as you would in a real world game of golf. I have a pretty decent meditation space in my head. I think I could go off and build dream houses or go to spas or cook meals in my meditation space while they put me blindfolded into boxes. That's what I do when I can't sleep at night anyway. It's not too late to catch up on the episodes if it interests you, I think they have the previous episodes on History Channel. |
| We've been slowly sliding towards the end of the year. Both Hubby and I have been sick as dogs. He got it first and then kindly gave it to me. Fever, etc., the whole nine yards. Ugh. I hate being sick. I was off work all week with it. I've been trying really hard to do Habitica, but...sometimes it's difficult to do all the things, like yoga, when you want to yack. In positive news? A friend convinced me to start the original Gilmore Girls. Since last Saturday I've been watching 12+ episodes a day. That and sleeping is all I've been doing. I'm deeply invested in the doings of the good folk of Stars Hollow. I love them. I'm also very very pro Lorelei and Luke. And very pro Dean. I have sadness about tiny Moose. I know he isn't in the new one, so I know he doesn't wind up with Rory. I'm also glad it's not Jess, either, because Milo Ventimiglia is in the new show on NBC, This is Us. (Which is also excellent....if you aren't watching it? Get to watching. The premise and storytelling are super original.) The Outlaws aren't coming for Christmas, what with us being so sick and FIL recovering from Whooping Cough. They are supposed to come the first week of Jan. now. We are also planning to go see CJ and Kyle and Thomas in February. |
| Hello again! A week! I'm doing good. Hubby had to work all day yesterday. Again. I wish that as construction season slowed down? He could quit working quite so much. But I've been married to him for twenty years now and I know that isn't how it works. Instead, equipment fixing season starts. And that means he has to get the fleet and the batch plant sorted. Then in late January, in addition to getting the fleet ready, for the next month or so, he will periodically go help our boss with his cows. Because it's baby cow season then. And I'm not sure I understand the thought process behind having baby cows during below zero time of the year. Because if the stupid cow has her baby way out in the field in the middle of the night (2-4 AM seems to be prime baby cow time) instead of coming to the barn, then she can die and the baby can freeze. It's all very sad but it happens every year. SMH Anyway. We've been trying to do "dates" every weekend. Like sometimes we will drive around the area and go see things we've only seen on maps. One weekend we went to a museum in the middle of nowhere. It was really cool. http://www.bairfamilymuseum.org/ These people had tons of money, questionable taste, and no one to leave all their crap to. One of the bathrooms in this house has gold leaf everything. The toilet is gold. The sink and tub are gold. It is gloriously kitschy. The father was a personal friend of Charles M Russell. So they have some excellent CM Russell original paintings. And framed Christmas cards from him where he drew little pictures for them. https://cmrussell.org/permanent-exhibitions/ (For anyone who isn't familiar with CM Russell's work.) One weekend we drove to a local ghost town, Maudlow. The story behind Maudlow is super interesting. It was at one time a major stop on the Milwaukee railroad that crossed Montana. Then in 1980, the Railroad ceased operations and Maudlow quickly became a ghost town. You have to drive on 15 miles of dirt road north out of Belgrade to it and then if you drive all the way through? It's 16 more miles of dirt road over to Ringling. (Which is named after the Ringling Brothers Circus, it was their winter grounds for years.) Hubby and I have talked about writing a book about people who shaped Montana in strange ways. Like CM Bair, Ringling, and others. But in the meantime, we have decided to save our date days for weekends when he doesn't work all day Saturday. He gets no down time, otherwise. Take today, for instance, we are holing up at the house and he is watching endless WWII documentaries. He also wants us to write a book / screen play about the WASPs or women pilots/crews who ferried planes around the world during WWII. Women pilots were important because they freed men pilots up for battle missions instead of shuffling planes around. He loves their stories and feels like they need to be presented on a larger stage. How they got into the work, what personal hardships they faced, the double standards they were forced to endure. It is all very interesting. He is going to do all the research and I will write it. So that's one more thing I'm working on writing. I need to get through some of my other projects. |
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