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The Empty Cradle

by Riot

Rated: 18+ · Book · Personal · #1591648

My personal journal on the road of infertility and trying to conceive.

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For a fellow Endometriosis survivor. Only those of us that have been through it truly understand the severity and how much it has cost us.

Part of coping with infertility is overcoming the isolation. It is important for me to build bridges and stay positive. I created this journal so that I could express myself and be heard, but also to provide myself a road map and reminder of all the things I have done. This journal gives me permission to cry, be angry, happy, optimistic, pessimistic - anything I need to cope - while opening up communication on a very sensitive issue for me.

Our Infertility Story
My husband and I have been together since October 3, 2001. In late 2004 we decided we wanted to have a family.

On August 9, 2005, I underwent surgery to repair my damaged fallopian tubes from years of undiagnosed Endometriosis. They discovered other issues, but the scariest part was my organs were sticking together. Coupled with that and a thyroid imbalance, it was difficult to conceive.

Two years later, in 2007, I miscarried with our first pregnancy.

I have undergone countless fertility treatments, including I.U.I.'s. I experienced two pregnancies through I.U.I. in early 2010, but miscarried.

"Normal" emotional and physical responses to coping with infertility and medications
Crying
Lashing Out
Remorse
Jealousy
Yearning
Depression
Mood Swings
Self Blame
Fatigue
Restlessness
Anxiety
Tremors
Nausea
Worry
Insomnia

My poems about infertility:

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Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

Riot

May 1, 2011 at 8:32pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Yeah, I get that. What steams me, sometimes, is the grandparents. At first, it was all about waiting. Now, it's a hurry-up-and-have-children-because-we're-not-getting-any-younger sort of thing. Well meaning, as you say, but sometimes it really cuts to the bone.

Julie D - PUBLISHED!

May 1, 2011 at 8:26pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Our nieces and nephews ask us every so often when we're going to give them a cousin. Like you, I flinch. Someone invariably answers for us (basically saying they shouldn't ask questions like that) or they change the subject all together.

Then you have all those well-meaning people that you meet for whatever reason and they always ask, "So how many kids do you have?" or "How old are your kids?" It gets me every time. I smile and answer as politely as I can that we don't have kids. Then I'll cry about it later when no one is around.

My husband just gets mad. Every. Single. Time.

RICH

Dec 30, 2010 at 8:13am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

More and/or better advice than Kitty and Nicki, I cannot offer.

To be practical about things, which I - as a man - will be..... relax, (easy for me to say) get a new life, (HOW?) as we going into 2011, get into reading, studying.

Get your mind on the 'now world' and do work at the 'maybe world'.

Best wishes to you and hubby.

NickiD89

Oct 14, 2009 at 7:59am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

You're on the right track with your thinking. There are physical reasons women don't conceive, and you're tackling those issues aggressively, which is good. But though it may not be possible to document, I know that women become blocked when they concentrate so much on becoming pregnant. I've seen it over and over again, and it happened to me too. I remember wanting desperately to get pregnant. I took my temperature every morning before my feet hit the floor. My husband said my nightstand table was a laboratory

. Fourteen times in a row, going at it every "red zone" day of my cycle, we were disappointed. It consumed me, depressed me, obsessed me. Then I said, fuck it. If God wasn't going to give me a baby, then so be it. Two months later, I was pregnant. My best friend tried for five years to get pregnant. They spent $22,000 for invitro and she conceived twice and miscarried both times. She finally reached her "fuck it" moment and said, if God wasn't going to give her a baby, she might as well have some "work done" and look at hot as she could into middle age

. She had a boob job and lipo, and two months later she was pregnant. Two months after she had her daughter, she was pregnant again! Irish twins, two girls born in twelve months. Stories like these are everywhere. You get your mind on going back to school, get your energies off conceiving, and my money's on you getting prego within a couple months!

Chewie Kittie

Oct 12, 2009 at 4:38pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

After 20 years out of college, I'm going back to get a geology degree. The math scared me because I'm NOT math oriented, but I'm not struggling nearly as much as I thought I would. There is help out there if you really want to do it. The school should provide help for you, they want you to pass. My school has "help centers" for the major problem areas-math, chemistry, even English- to help students pass.

Good luck and don't be afraid to try.

Riot

Sep 16, 2009 at 12:57am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Thank you everyone! I am so nervous. I am going to bed with the hubby now, at least I'll be able to kill ten hours easily with some sleep. Now tomorrow on the other hand, is something else entirely. I wonder what I'll do all day before the procedure!

Reyah

Sep 15, 2009 at 9:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Oh hon, I'm so happy for ya!! {e:does happy dance while cheering wildly}

Just call me Omni

Sep 11, 2009 at 5:45pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

how are you doing? did you decide what to do yet? ((mental hugz)) you are iin my thoughts and tonight I will (actually right now before I forget) I will light a candle for you and say a prayer

Annette

Sep 11, 2009 at 5:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

In keeping with the Scott theme.
I once had a co-worker who tried to conceive for years. Her husband's name is Scott and they have a daughter now.

Keep your positive attitude, Justine. A child, whether from your womb or through adoption, will find its way into your life at some point. I know many people who have adopted and you can't even see that they aren't biologically related.
This doesn't change what you're going through right now. I've been thinking of you since I read your last blog entry. It's hard to find the right words, so I hope you get a bit of comfort from knowing you're not alone in your struggle.

Riot

Sep 11, 2009 at 1:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Don't be silly, I think the birth of your grandson is great news! I was only worried because he was so premature. Don't think for a second that I was upset at you because I wasn't. I found the picture you sent to be quite adorable.

March 19, 2011 at 10:42pm

#720129

This Mom Won't Tolerate Bullies

I was scrubbing away at my dishes today while listening to some children play in the fleeting sunshine. As I was cleaning the crust out of a dish that was long overdue for a clean, I was in my own little head at their chattering.

I decided to take a pit stop out on my deck and soak up the sunshine. The rays felt nice on my skin. It reminded me of that comfortable warmth that toast gets once it has stopped being scorching hot from the toaster.

Then I noticed one of the younger children. He wasn't part of the 'gang' of children that were gathered in the embankment. A moment later, he was being the target of bullying. When he hit the ground he just stayed down. I couldn't believe it. They weren't physically hurting him per-say, but the more dominant child of the group had goaded him down.

I did something that I perhaps shouldn't have. I shouted down from my private patio.

"Hey, knock it off!"

They looked at me as though I was a voice from above. I guess I was in a way. One of the bullies spotted me and smirked. I made another remark I regret.

"Don't you smirk at me. I won't tolerate bullying around here. Go find something else to do!"

So they started to leave. One of the parents, or so I assume, was nearby and gave me a filthy look. I gave her one right back. Just as I thought my blood pressure was going to rupture a vein in my head, I saw the little guy get up and smile at me.

Then all was well again.

Yeah, I think I'd be a good Mom.

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