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She knew this could not be real , But she didn't care anymore |
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This is a story of life and death , Love that will last forever and a journey that will take the reader on an emotional rollercoaster. It has always been in the back of my mind that someday the search would be over, But never like this. I stand now alone, like I have lost a part of my own soul. I wondered for so long if he thought of me , Not ever wondering if he knew how much he meant to me and the person I had become .I am at a loss for any feelings on the situation , all that comes out is a mixture of anger and heart felt sadness that I am sure will never fully go away , To think I have never had a loss in my life , And he had to go and be the first death I have ever had to deal with , How angry that makes me , Did he even think about me once before he took his own life . Did he have one split second to change his destiny? Questions are all I have left and, they will never be answered. I would cry if I could , I would scream too , but I am at a loss , I am not sure if it is so haunting in my heart that I can’t deal with it yet. Why? is all I have. I never got to say goodbye Closing my eyes now, I can’t see his face. How cruel is this. Did this thing happen for a reason, to teach me of all my misfortunes, all my mistakes? Or the misguided pursuit of something I could never have. Forgetting my own existence was so very easy for me when I was younger , It wasn’t like anyone else saw me .I was just walking in a space of my own, never even wondering why I was like this , I didn’t give it a second thought. Till he came along I was happy in my own world… Happy in My own little perfect world, where I was safe from anymore hurt or betrayal I was in such denial of my situation, never ever really wanted just taken for a while. If I ever really got over this feeling I would have been a happier person. I mean really happy not that fake smile I put on every single day to the world. It made me feel stronger , in control at least of that facet of my life. That was until he came along. With blue eyes and a smile that would melt you .He was the only one I ever truly trusted .He was the only person I felt I needed, and I know he felt the same. Sitting alone beside the locks the moon rippling stars in the water, we talked like I have never talked to anyone before. Tears streaming as I poured my shattered heart out to him, all my dreams and wishes. It was the one time I really felt weak yet protected, I have never felt that since that night, 26 years ago. And will probably never feel that again. I am now so alone in my mind in my thoughts, how I wonder what might have been. What could never be, and why. Why it pains in my heart as nothing has, was there one second he had to relapse on his life and why it was not worthless. But I have to stop thinking about it, its over, done. And there is nothing I could have done to save his life. I sit back and breath in the stale office air, as the psychiatrist writes more in his pad. I look over and smile. “So, doc, am I crazy?” Dr Stevens looks first at his Paper and then back to me. “No, Not Crazy, But you do need to take some time to relax and stop thinking about these things you can’t change” I smile again, and shake my head slightly. “I knew that long ago, now why am I here “? The Dr leaned forward. “Why do you think you’re here? My throat tightened. “I don’t know “ I stood up then as the buzzer went off to let us know the time was up. I shook the doctors hand,” I guess I will see you next week “ “ I want you to think about what you have been so worried about , and try to relate to the fact that there was nothing you could do about David’s death” I nodded” Ill try “ I walked out of the office just as confused and hurt as I was when I first started seeing Dr Stevens three weeks earlier. I walked through the parking lot thinking about how foolish I was to be hanging on to the love of a dead man, and one who forgot about me long ago. I got into my car and laid my head on the steering wheel and cried quietly. It wasn’t until I heard the load Banging on my window that I lifted my head, I rubbed my eyes quickly and looked over to the passenger side of the car. A man was bent over looking through the window; I was startled as I slowly bent over to roll down the window. I looked at his face with an almost familiar gaze. “Can I help you? I said trying not to sound like I had just been scared “Nancy? He smiled “Yes, I answered,” do I know you? “Wow, I thought it was you coming out of the building” he smiled in pure excitement. He then pointed to himself, “It’s me, David, I knew you where we were kids. “ I sat back against the driver’s side window in shock and anger, “That’s not funny Buddy.” “Get the hell away from my car” I yelled as I drove passed, I almost knocked him over As I drove away I watched the man still standing there watching in sheer shock. What a weirdo I thought as I turned the corner. As I drove home my mind was going about a million miles a minuet, how did he know? Was he listening in on my sessions with Dr Stevens? Was he a friend Of David’s? I wanted to know now, almost wanting to turn back to ask him. But I continued home, As I slowed down to my street I noticed my Husbands car was not in the driveway, He must have gone to His friends place. This was nothing out of the ordinary for him to just go out before I got home from my visit to the psychiatrist, He never asked me how it went or if I thought it was helping. He just blocked it out, Guess it was hard for him to hear about another man, even if the other man wasn’t a threat to him. I parked the car and got out grabbing my bag , I walked slowly up the laneway to my front door , I started to look through my purse for my house key , at first calmly then it turned to desperation as I could not feel the familiar key, I looked inside my bag and saw nothing, no wallet no keys . what the hell happened did I drop it in the parking lot was that why that guy knew who I was , I was panicking now , this guy knew where I lived . I got back in my car and sat for a moment thinking what I should do. Call the police, I went to grab my cell but yes it was missing too. At least I had my car keys I started the car and decided to go back to the parking garage to see if maybe I was over reacting and I just dropped all my stuff out of my purse, I was upset and maybe didn’t notice. As I drove I couldn’t get the face of the guy that banged on my window, who was he and what did he want? I wandered if he had left the garage? or would he be still waiting around . I drove into the garage slowly checking every corner, every car that was lined up to the side trying to catch a glimpse of him again, yet inside hopping I wouldn’t. As I was pulling into an empty spot I caught a glimpse of a man sitting on a step at the exit his head in his hands, I turned the car off and opened the door slowly , still watching to make sure if it was the stranger, he lifted his head as I closed the door, His eyes met mine and I didn’t know whether to get back in the car or run , He stood up quickly and walked quickly over towards me. I raised my voice “stay back, buddy, or I am going to scream “ He smiled and slowed down his pace. “Nancy, it’s me David, “he put his hands up in front of his chest “I’m not going to hurt you, let me explain “ I backed up resting my back against the car and putting my hand on the handle incase I needed to escape. He suddenly stopped in his tracks, “Do you remember me “His eyes saddened I looked into them as a rush of adrenaline soared through my blood, “David,” I ran to him, and sank into his arms, feeling finally safe. My eyes filled will tears that fell heavy on his white shirt, I didn’t want to look up at him in case it was a dream , I just stayed in that spot inhaling his so familiar scent . His strong arms held me tight and I could feel his tears on my hair, He held me like no other had ever held me before, like to let go would draw us apart forever. My thoughts racing to the sound of his heart beat, I wondered how this could be , how it was possible, but my heart didn’t care it hung onto every aching moment. And just as these thoughts settled, the embrace was broken; he held my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes with a longing I was also feeling. He started to pull me close again, my heart raced as I looked up to him his lips parted to invite mine. But I stopped. “I can’t “I stood back as he still held my shoulders firmly “I’m married “ His eyes widened and he smirked, “Not anymore, your not “then he pulled me in quick and with all the passion in him kissed my lips hard, I gave in without regret.. My thoughts on him and the fact that this could only be a hallucination, what else could it possibly be. I was a logical person, One who only believed in what I could see or feel, and in this moment I could do both yet I still could not believe and it was eating me up inside, I needed answers and ones that made sense because I really needed to know how this was all taking place when it really shouldn’t be. David pulled away like he could tell what I was thinking. “Are you okay? “He touched my shoulder gently “Not really “I lowered my head “I understand, I felt the same way when I started here “ I gradually looked up at his eyes. “Started, Where “? “ Nancy, You died, this is where you were brought, I really don’t know that much about this place myself, except that while you’re here its like you never existed, “ I brought my hands to my mouth “what the, “I couldn’t even make understandable what I wanted to say, how does one react to such a story, “I am not dead,” “I would think I would know if I was dead” The words came out just as juvenile as it sounded in my head. David stood there in absolute silence. “Is this some kind of hoax, are you a look-alike or something “? I was panicking now and rightfully so, it’s not everyday you come across this kind of thing. David took a step towards me with his hands out as to comfort me , I stepped back and put my hands up to stop him . “No, Stay away from me “ He stopped and looked sorrowful at be. “I know it’s hard to take in “ I almost felt like laughing at his attempt at consoling me. “No, Not at all, this stuff is always happening to me “ He forced a smile to my uncomfortable wit, He then extended his hand I looked down at it and knew in my heart that it really was David, and I needed to find out the truth, so in sheer blind faith I took his hand. With his other hand he lifted my head, “Let’s take you home “ I nodded at the thought of feeling safe and just letting go. He took me to his car and I got in, as we drove I looked out the window thinking that this was so authentic, and if I was dead wouldn’t it have been different, what happened to all the things they taught you in Sunday school, where were the wings and harps, what happened to those pearly gates, I had hoped that this would have been different. I stared at the people walking by, “then looked at David, “are they all dead too “? “No, they are all alive, it’s hard to explain rationally “ I looked again out the window; Rational was not the first thing that any of this was. An errand tear fell down my cheek. As the car slowed down to stop on a very quiet street “We’re here “David started to open his door, “this is my palace “ I opened my door and got out slowly. I looked towards the house, it was small and old looking, and not the kind of house I would expect to see David living in. Almost like he knew what I was thinking, he smirked “I know what you’re thinking, it’s a piece of work “ I smiled at his attempted wit, in such a bizarre moment. He stood beside me and put his hand softly on the small of my back and gently guided me towards the front door. His touch sent shivers up my spine and a sigh of calm acceleration. I took a deep breath and started towards the door, every step felt like a mile as I felt almost faint , my head started to throb and then my heart started to beat faster , I closed my eyes and stopped for a second trying to breath in the air, but my throat closed off with every cold breath. The Light was bright as I opened my eyes but it wasn’t the sun and I wasn’t outside anymore, I couldn’t focus. The voices came to me first softly and non recognizable, then the light dimmed to give way to a face bent towards mine, “Are you ok “ “Can you hear me? Nancy “ I lifted my head slightly towards his voice, “David “? What … What happened, I “ I sat up; He held me in his arms and lifted me, “You scared me there for a second “ I smiled “Scared myself a little too “ He smiled back in relief that I was ok , and brought me back to my feet I was still a little unsteady, so he held by arm all the way to the front door , I somehow felt like I was safe there . in his arms, where I always wanted to be for so many years , I didn’t want this to ever end , but as I looked into his eyes before he opened his door , I just knew deep in my heart that it would sooner or later .And that was enough to send an ache in my heart. I swallowed hard the lump in my throat. David opened the door slowly like he was waiting for someone to jump out he held me to one side as he looked in. then he looked at me “Rough area “he smiled I smiled back, and lifted my eyebrow, “if you say so “ He walked in ahead of me still slowly and cautiously. I followed slowly behind, now little paranoid; I looked at his walls full of newspaper clippings. And pencil drawings, which looked like some sort of diagrams. My eyes landed on one in particular of a circle with strange symbols around it. It looked Egyptian; I turned around to David who was locking the door as he locked the three locks he looked out the door window like he was making sure we were not followed. I touched his arm, “is everything ok “? He smiled and touched my hand “fine, just fine “there was a hint of fear in his voice. I sat down exhausted on a small love seat situated in the corner of the room as david walked towards the kitchen , He turned to me and smiled , like he was just glad I was there , “ Can I get you a drink “ I smiled back “ just some water would be nice “ As he walked out of sight I closed my eyes for a second to just relax , so much was going on inside my head it was starting to throb, I put my head back and just sat there . I was taking all this in but it was so unbelievable I went over and over in my head how this was so crazy. Colors stared to drift before my eyes, bright oranges and reds. I concentrated on them and drifted away in my minds eye. The colors stared to take shape and before me was now a fire it was so real I could almost feel the heat. The I saw the diagram on David’s wall come from the fire it came close to me and the lines where retraced with the flames I could feel a horrible feeling inside , fear and shame as well as a power I had never felt before. The fire began to fade and so did the diagram, I opened my eyes and wondered how long I had been out, David was still not back, I slowly arose from the seat and walked towards the kitchen, I could hear a strange sound like a whimper I looked slowly around the corner and saw David on the floor with his head in his hands. I walked quickly towards him and sat on the floor in front of him I held out my hands to him, I didn’t say a word and he never looked up it was like we both known what was going on inside our hearts. We sat there for along time just holding each other. Then our silent bond was broken by a knock at the door, David looked up his eyes red and filled with terror. “Shit “he broke away from me like I was not even there, He walked briskly towards the door. I stayed on the floor and listened, He opened the door and I could hear whispering but couldn’t make out what was being said it was another mans voice, David’s voice was intense and forceful. He sounded angry The door closed softly and I could hear David’s footsteps I turned towards him and looked up at him like a child “ is everything ok “ He looked at me with a glare in his eyes almost emotionless “ Yes , Everything is fine “ He then turned away from me like he lost all feelings; He turned on the tap and ran both hands under the tap then splashed water into his face and let out a soft sigh as it hit his face. I got up off the floor and walked over to him and put my hands on his shoulders and laid my head on his back “Are you ok “? I whispered, He turned and broke away from my embrace, “I told you, everything is fine “his voice rose in anger, I backed up and looked into his eyes in apprehension, I had never seen David like this in all the time I had known him. His eyes then suddenly softened seeing how he made me feel he put his arms out I walked slowly towards him, How could I not trust him he had never hurt me , I lay my head on his chest as he stroked my hair , It felt different though, This time it felt sinister , I tried to block the feelings and go with the moment. I looked up at him “Your sure everything is ok , I mean who was at the door , you sounded angry “ He held my chin in his hand and smiled softly at me “Just some guy that owed me money“ I had never known David to lie especially to me so I took what he said and believed him whole heartedly. But in the pit of my stomach it felt different, he kissed my lips softly and that seemed to take that feeling away. We broke our kiss and he looked deep into my eyes “ how about that drink now, I could go for something stronger “ He smiled and pulled a bottle of vodka from the cupboard, He held it out to almost temp me , I smiled and nodded. “ I need something to contain this day “ He smiled as he poured two large glasses with orange juice and vodka. I took the glass from his hand and without hesitation took a long drink, It burned going down, But I took another drink before I knew it I was feeling warm inside. David took a slow drink then smiled at the face I made at the burning sensation. I smiled back and hit him in the shoulder playfully, I took one last gulp and the glass was empty. He held up the bottle and waved it again in front of me I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and shook my head. He smiled and poured himself another glass, he sat down at the table I followed his lead, we sat there quietly as he kept filling his glass, the bottle was almost empty before he started talking. |
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