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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
I am so very sick. I’m back and forth… freezing, then sweating… I’m sweating now… ugh… I hate to sweat… well unless, I’m getting something from it…  but I guess I am because the fever is breaking with the medicine I took when I awoke. My entire body aches even my teeth! I have been sleeping off and on for 48 hours. I called my mom today, whining like a little girl… She brought me over some juice and soup. She wouldn’t come in though, dropped it at my door. I’m going to be 31 years old next month and I still call mom crying.  I didn't call anyone yesterday cause I figured I would be over it by today. My biggest compliant is the body aches and being so tired. I slept till 11AM this morning and when I woke I could barely move my body. I feel like I’m going to have bedsores from lying in the bed for so long.  I woke up just dazed and confused. I hate being sick. I hate lying up in the bed. I mean there is only so much television a girl can watch. I’m not much of a TV watcher anyway. I don’t have the energy to hardly read or write. It just sucks… I don’t get sick very often. Not anymore… I use to be sick all the time because of drinking and using. I have noticed a huge difference in my health within this last year of recovery. I’m really blessed with good health. I haven’t had major health problems ever in my life. Just the surgery for possible cervical cancer but that was a blessing to cause the doctor caught it before it got bad. It’s very cold outside today. My windows are all foggy. The heat inside clashing with the cold outside…I wish I had ears… I miss my online tunes. I need to figure out where I put my speakers. I’m going to a “ FUN Party” at Greta’s house next Friday. Yep! Saving up my money so I can buy myself a battery operated boyfriend and whatever else looks entertaining. I’m not to proud or embarrassed to hook myself up. Girls got to do what Girls got to do… I’m feeling better now. Wow… it feels good to feel good for a minute. I really have nothing to say. I’ve been sleeping, sweating and freezing for the last two days. Man, I hope I’m better tomorrow cause I’m ready to go back to work! |
| I’ve been feeling susceptible to emotional injury most of this weekend. I wasn’t sure what the problem was until the wee hours this morning. I woke up twice during the night; I was so cold that I was shivering and trembling. I gifted myself a scalding shower both times, defrosted the best I could, promptly returning to my refuge under the covers. My central heat cranked up to 90 degrees. Yea… something is amiss. Greta has been sick with the flu. It was yesterday after leaving her home that I started feeling physically distressed. I became extremely exhausted, body started aching, just all around uncomfortable. I wrote in my entry yesterday I thought it was loneliness, even when I wrote that it made no sense because I had just worked my steps and usually I feel a natural high after doing so. I think I’ve been battling this for a while. I think it’s a stomach bug of sorts. I also think that I was winning the war until I went over to Greta’s. With the stress of Sprint and Skittles, PMS, and just my own damn head working overtime, I guess my immune system was lowered enough to let the bug kick in full force. I’m home today from work. Feeling exhausted, head is throbbing, and body aching. I’m feeling awfully mushy and vulnerable. My mom gave me this liquid stuff on Saturday; it is suppose to be a liver detox. She found the recipe in some book. It’s supposed to be really healthy for the body, has cranberry juice, lemon juice, flaxseed, and other stuff that I don’t know. It looked like a witch’s brew as I watched her whip it up. I’ve been drinking it since yesterday, and with all the herbal teas I’ve been consuming and considering I went on a vitamin binge Friday night, I figured illness would not be a part of my immediate future. I did some researching in attempt to find relief from my monthly visitor. I know I talk way too much about this but it’s a major issue in my life. So I decided to find ways to help myself through those wild days. Herbal teas Calcium supplements Meditation – relaxation Long hot bubble baths Just overall being good to you Actually knowing what is wrong has helped me tremendously. I’ve had these monthly problems most of my life but I just thought I was crazy. So did my ex husband. Gawd, every month at my PMS time I was packing my bags and moving out! And since the divorce and well since I can remember… since recovery in the last year, every month at PMS time I’m blowing my dry date to hell and relapsing. I didn’t this time or last… but I will say that I got awfully damn close on Friday. The thought crossed my mind over three times. A drink became an option to me. I got awfully close to #10 on my list of alternatives to taking a drink. I went to two meetings that day. Bought Stephanie a big book, reached out to another alcoholic, because someone did that for me when I first started in recovery. I went to the store at almost midnight to do my shopping because I knew I needed not be alone inside my head. As I surveyed the tea isle there was this man with a list from his wife searching for specific teas. I was helping him find the ones on his list, the closer I got to him the more I could smell the liquor on his breathe. It actually made my stomach turn. It smelled so horrible. I think that sealed shut the option to drink for me. Then I thought about how this man is going to get in his car and drive himself home from this grocery store. I thought about the consequences he could endure, the lives he could unwittingly end and how he could face manslaughter charges… all because of that stink on his breath. It was another moment of clarity for me. It was a spiritual awakening of sorts. My God is a God of little things. Nothing is too big or small for God. I think he is apart of it all… everything. This was the day Skittles got mad at me, I was PMSing, and I was already sick with this bug then but I had the upper hand on it… Gawd that was a hard day… but I didn’t drink. My mother had like a sixth sense and called me asking if I would come over and stay the night at her house. I’m really quite anal about being in my own home and my own bed, but I told her I would come over if I didn’t think I was going to be alright. I seriously considered doing so but after a couple cups of sleepy time herbal tea I was out like a scout and woke up in a much better state of mind. I shared in a meeting on Friday how I’m just having a hard time coping with life. Spoke of how I take shit hard! I’m just so damn sensitive! It’s not so much the drinking part that I have a difficulty with NOW, it’s more of how to live life without having to drink. I’m learning how to react differently to the same things that happened before which I relieved myself through oblivion. Now, Oblivion is not an option… instead of recovery from the physical and mental withdraws of chemical dependence, Now it’s like I have to recovery from ME, cause I’m still the same girl that I was when I drank cheap whisky every night of the week. I’m still me… I haven’t been struck perfect. Unfortunately, I’ll never be. I thought I would be in the beginning. If only I didn’t drink then I would be all right. Wrong… the same reasons that I drank before are still a part of me. The only difference is that now I’m not allowing drink to be my cure. Now I see that there is no cure… there’s only a daily reprieve based wholly on my spiritual condition. Is it even possible to be spiritual at all times? We are mind, body and spirit… there’s more to us than a spirit, so no I don’t think it is. But the foundation of spirituality is always there and the Hand of God is always within reach. After I shared at Fridays late meeting, Jerri Ann came up to me and pointed out a chapter in the big book, suggested I read it, titled “The Family Afterward”. I’ve not been much drawn to that chapter because of the title, but after reading it I see that it’s most speaking of our lives after we are released from the compulsion to drink. She specifically pointed out to me a sentence on Page 125: We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap. Another sentence that caught my attention in this chapter: Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete. My sponsors tell me I am right where I should be in my recovery. Greta pointed out yesterday during our step study that I have proved that I have patience and endurance. I’ve been in recovery for over a year. Instant gratification has not happened but I keep coming back, I’ve got willingness if nothing more. I’m not going to give up what I want. I quit school, I quit my marriage, I quit playing the guitar, I’ve quit lots of jobs, I’ve quit lots of relationships, I’ve been a quitter most of my life. I’ve spent thirty years walking away from what I really wanted to hold on to… all because of fear or pride. I don’t want to do that anymore… This entry is turning out to be a tearjerker for me. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about myself lately. I cry a lot more than I ever have. This is good. I’ve never let myself cry I’ve always stuffed them through anger. Anger destroys. Tears can bring healing. I’m not ashamed to cry anymore. One of my Step Two assignments was to write down who/what I would like to be and to meditate on that ten minutes each morning and night. So far, this is what I have: Patient. Slow to anger. Confident. Healthy. Educated. Happy. Understanding and accepting of others and myself. Forgiving. Content. Kind and giving. I’m still working on it. I’m going to lay my head down and rest my weary bones. |
As I was typing this blog entry, Michael Wonch   logged online. I rush to IM cause I been missing his mean butt! Come to find out… he had to evacuate his home due to a flood! However…He is in great spirits, looking forward to a new beginning and says hello to all of you. Here is a pic of Cam and Mike evacuating the street they live on. Nice Jacket huh! http://www.chicagotribune.com/search/chi-mh11floodwalk20080111104015,0,7431810.p... Here is an article about the flooding: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-flooding_13_bdjan13,0,1128065.story... ********** And here is the blog I was working on, but really seems quite insignificant I should really lay off the salt. I like salt but the stuff I’ve cooked this weekend is even salty for ME! I’m not real good at the cooking thing but I enjoy it. I use to not cook at all because I’m single and I saw no point in it. Within the last year I have come to realize that I may be single for the REST of my life… So am I going to deny myself the privilege of doing something I enjoy possibly FOREVER! And… So I started cooking. I just stay stocked with freezer bags and ensure that what I prepare can be stored, frozen and thawed at a later date. Still I’m not the best cook but I get an A for effort. Sometimes my dishes are really horrible. I guess that’s the plus to only cooking for myself. I don’t have to see the faces of disgust when someone takes a bite. I can’t see mine! I cut up a whole chicken for the first time ever yesterday. It was the most disgusting thing I have done in a very long time. Poor bird… BUT I like to eat em’ and it’s really frugal to purchase a whole chicken and do the cutting yourself. You MUST have a good knife… I’m will invest into a sharper knife for my next bird dismembering adventure. I fried up the legs, thighs and wings. Froze the breast and then boiled the tail and back so I can use it for a casserole or soup at a later date. Today I grilled some steaks. Just cheap little steaks, I let marinade overnight and then put em’ in skillet until well done. I use to eat my steak medium but my tummy can’t hang with that these days. I like em’ crispy now! Most of my cooking is done over the weekend. I rarely have time for much of anything but work and meetings Monday thru Friday. So I will usually prepare several servings of different meals on Saturday and Sunday, then I take lunches to work, eat while on the clock and then use my lunch hour to run errands or attend meetings, depending on the days demands. I’ve really gotten into herbal teas lately. I’m so addicted. I purchased like five different teas this weekend. One helps you sleep, one helps relieve tension, another helps with the PMS blues… ad infinite. I do this often. I go on binges with shit. Like once I went on a shoe binge and purchased myself like 20 pairs of different sandals, boots, tennis shoes, flippers during one pay period. I was broke as hell but I had some shoes going on! I slept until 11AM this morning! I woke up at 8AM, brewed my coffee but went back to bed since I was still tired. I went by Sponsor G’s apartment today and we stepped me right into Step Three. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I don’t know what happened to me after I left Greta’s home but I dropped a couple of degrees. I feel tired, my back is aching and I feel lonely. Lonely I think is the culprit. And it could be some of the PMS blues too. I’m just going to do the next right thing… like laundry, and color my hair, and get myself ready to go back to work tomorrow. Drink some of my specialty teas and stay in CONCIOUS contact with my higher power. The word CONCIOUS stuck out to me when someone spoke the other day. Consciously, on purpose reaching out to a Power Greater than ourselves makes a lot of changes happen. Skittles and I had a fall out. On Friday he called asking if I had Internet on the cellphone. To my knowledge, I did not. He told me the bill was $225. I was just clocking out from my job and told him I would go home, get online, look at his account and get back with him. I spent two hours on the phone with Sprint. As I was speaking to the Sprint rep he says, “Ma’am… I don’t know what just happened, but your phone just got suspended.” I tell him to unsuspend it and he does but I also learn that the password has changed, I can no longer do business with Sprint without the right password. I call Skittles, no answer. A little bit later, he calls me on the cell phone (thinking it wasn’t going to work due to suspension) and I learn that HE had my phone put on suspension and the password changed. I asked him why? He would do that without giving me a chance to see what the problem is? He said, because I told him I would call him and I didn’t… I advised that I had been on the phone with Sprint trying to get things figured out. I got out of work at 1:30 on Friday; he had my phone turned off by 3PM, while I was actually ON the phone with Sprint. Turns out there were several activation fees, Internet fees on both the phone lines and he had gone over his minutes resulting in additional $90. Skittles didn’t take the time to see what the problem was, he just automatically assumed I had taken advantage of the phone and went over my minutes and utilized Internet service. I was pretty upset about the idea of him suspending my phone service. I had and still have full intentions of being real and taking accountability and it blew my skirt up that Skittles shut me down and felt I was untrustworthy. He apologized. I guess I understand why he did what he did, but I have never given him a reason to distrust ME. BUT that’s all done and over… my only concern is whether I should keep the phone or not. I don’t like that my phone service is in the hands of another person. I would not have committed to join in a bill with this dude had I not thought we had a trust with each other. My conclusion: I’m going to pay what I owe, I’m going to see how next months bill is… I’m also going to use money orders to pay Skittles. I gave him $100 the day we picked up the phone. He forgot that. Yeah, well I didn’t! So to keep him from forgetting again, I will have a paper trail. The Internet fees were mostly on my phone. I had no idea I was browsing the net. None. Don’t even know how… but they won’t take it off. I also feel responsible for the activation fees, but I’m not paying for his additional minutes. That would have happened had we joined together or not. Skittles wouldn’t answer the phone when I kept trying to call him Friday to find resolution. That just fueled my fire even more! I wanted resolution and I wanted it NOW… he had other things going, so he drops the bomb and then ignores my calls. I’m still pretty upset about it, when I think about it… I told him I didn’t want to talk to him for a few days because my tongue will whoop him… I’m just not pleased with the idea of him shutting down my service before knowing what the problem was and before even giving me a chance to explain. EXPLAIN? I hadn’t done anything… so without giving me a chance to figure out what the problem was. So the point is… if it continues to be a problem, I will pay what I owe and I will give him the phone back. Either way, I’ll pay what I owe, that I know I must do… but if I will keep the phone depends on if things go smoother. Sprint says next months bill will be what we both agreed on, it’s just the first month always has additional fees for activation and such. Also I had the Internet BLOCKED so that isn’t a problem again. My sponsor had me write a list of obsessions during Step two, maybe that could be a lot of why I’m feeling a bit down now. I obsess over resentments. I obsess because I am insecure. I have issues with self-acceptance. I take things hard, I’m hard on other people, and I’m just hardcore, PERIOD… it’s better since recovery but it’s still there. I need to lighten up on myself and other people… Skittles isn’t the confronting type. He doesn’t stand a chance up next to me in a verbal argument, because he just isn’t of that temperament. That’s why he didn’t want to answer the phone when I kept calling… he knew I was off the chain. I felt bad because he has done so much for me and he thought I had taken him for granted. I wanted to make it right but when I heard he had the phone suspended, I flipped… IT seems I have had the same problem with many people in my life lately. People that I want in my life… but I get mad because they failed me somehow and all I want to do is SHUT the door and never let them back in again. That was my old way of dealing with things… the alcoholic mindset but today I want to learn to forgive, to understand, to not think so HIGHLY of myself that HOW COULD he do that to me? ME? Well… I’ve spent too much time in front of this puter, I must do a load of laundry and get ready for another work week. |
| Now I remember why I stopped chatting so many years ago and remained invisible to the chat world. This lawyer dude that comes to my area to work like a week out of a month wanted me to come to his hotel on Monday night, promised me the best massage I ever had. I ask him if he would approach a woman from the grocery store or a woman in a coffee shop and ask that she come over to his HOTEL for a massage? He said, Oh I offended you… Oh… No, it’s just I’ve wiped my ass with a dozen men just like you, stop wasting my time! Ok, I didn’t say that… told him he’s talking to the wrong kind of woman if he wants one that will show up at his hotel. Then I just disappeared. I left work thirty minutes early. I wasn’t in best of spirits. Skipped the meeting and came home, was asleep by 6PM and woke up at 11:00… Now I’m drinking more sleepy time tea to try to go back to sleep. I’m sure I’ll be able to, I’m still awfully fatigued. Work is still discouraging BUT I’m not going to dwell on it now cause I know how I am when I bleed and even if things were all peachy I wouldn’t like it. So I’ll just show mercy on myself and you and just leave it be. It’s been very cold today, like the high is in the twenties with a wind-chill of like 17 degrees. The wind is what nips your ass around here. It’s cold, I’m PMSing, I got a tummy ache, the runs… I’m just been so darn tired but I felt good when I woke up, now I’m getting tired again. It’s just been on of them days where I gotta hold on to my butt… white knuckling it. This ain’t all I got but I will shut up… |
| I am so high from today’s meeting! I came home and dialed up Skittles… “OMG! I twelfth stepped somebody!” and I belted out my spiel. Skittles said, uh-huh. Oh. Really. Ok. He didn’t find the excitement that I did… maybe because it wasn’t his miracle, it’s mine. Wow! God really does use me. Ok, so here is the scoop: An older black man came in to do his community service hours for a DWI at the food bank. This guy is like one of them nice grandpa types, he is obviously not out to hit it. I mean he just has that dadness about him right. Well, he completed his 24 hours and I signed for him and as he was leaving he said, “damn they making me go to an AA meeting.” So I show him the desire chip I wear around my neck under my blouse while working. I give him directions to my home group, the Suburban Club. I tell him I go every day at 5:30. He ended up going to a noon meeting yesterday as the judge mandated him. I ended up skipping the 5:30 meeting yesterday cause of a Sinus headache. Instead I came home and just pouted… smart move, let me tell ya. BUT He calls me today at work… it was JUST like the big book says… Sam is his name, and he calls me at work and says, “Jennifer, this is Sam. You suggested I go to a meeting at your group and I did go yesterday at noon. Girl, I was sitting there listening to those people speak and they were talking about my life!” He paused and acted like he felt a bit awkward at calling me. He didn’t want me to think he was hitting on me but he had a curiosity that wouldn’t stop. (This was my impression) Writing in Jen point of view here… Anyway he continued: “You said that you go to these meetings everyday? May I ask you why?” I told him well it’s kind of like my drink for the day… instead of stopping by a bar on the way home and having a cold one, I stop by my club and get me a daily shot glass of spirituality. I explained to him that it’s not so much focused on how to NOT drink… it’s more of how to live without HAVING to drink. Working the steps, making sober friends, joining a brotherhood of people that normally would not mix and match but are joined together by a common bond. It’s a fellowship and God is the centerpiece of it all. He told me that he got in trouble this last time because he likes to shoot pool and ends up at these nightclubs to shoot, and after having one he finds that he loses track and before he knows it he’s banging his head on the bar wondering how he got so blasted. It ended up costing him a DWI. He really said nothing more than that. Said he wasn’t going to waste anymore of my time and we hung up the phone. I didn’t recognize him without his ol’ golfing hat but he sat across from me in the meeting. I kept looking over at him but I wasn’t real sure. I didn’t think he would show up. I really didn’t understand much about why he called or why he asked me what he did and really I didn’t think much about it cause the day just marched on. I thought it was him but wasn’t sure, so I walked up to him after the meeting, as I did he was introducing himself to another member, “I’m Sam.” And I just stood there with this look of amazement. I know he was like what the hell? I was like frozen still just staring at him in awe… it just blew my mind that he was there. He wasn’t mandated to be there. He came today on his own accord. I seriously just stood still and stared at him for what seemed a like minutes. It’s like I was just in AWE of how God crosses people’s paths and uses us when we least expect it and well never even realize it. I stood there staring at him long enough to embarrass him and well myself. I was just tripping… just wow… God is AMAZING! Skittles didn’t get as excited when I bolted out my story. To him it’s maybe ‘just a thing’ … but to me at this point, I haven’t experienced that before. Someone else wanting what I’ve found in AA. Someone else felt and recognized the miracle of this program. ** Jen is frozen still again in awe ** Well I gave Greta her card today. Just a little puppy dog Thank you card. The friction is gone between us and to be honest I really believe that is another miracle of God! I was one phone call away from telling her I didn’t want her to sponsor me any longer. I mean it was going to be our next conversation and I was going to fire her. Then SUDDENLY I had a spiritual awakening of sorts and I saw that she used my character defects… uh MINE… and I couldn’t take it. I also saw that if people acted, reacted, thought, spoke, lived perfectly than my Savior would have hung for nothing! Died like that for a bunch of perfect people? No… Like I said before, he uses imperfection to teach his messages perfectly. AND the miracle in all this… once I cleaned off my side of street, once I decided that regardless of how I STINKING feel… I was not going to let go of the friendship He gave me in Greta… just miraculously… and suddenly things got better. Her attitude was different… She called me and was so kind to me the following morning after my revelation. Just so compassionate and humble acting… I honestly believe that God granted her a release from our personality clash at the very time he did me. What a trip! That’s what is called God’s perfect timing… If you are reading this and you’re going through a rough time. I just want to tell you that --- this too shall pass… God’s Will … will be done… and the safest place in the world to be is in God’s will… Believe in Him the best you can and do the best you can with where you are at right now. You won’t always feel this way. You won’t always hurt like this. This is just a phase in the journey that God predestined for you. He wrote the book, he knows the ending and He will never turn you away if you turn to Him. CHOOSE life… not death, blessings not curses… So I have befriended another girl in the program. Her name is Stephanie. She claimed a desire chip last week and as we were leaving another girl needed a jump start for her car so I went back into the building to find a dude to help her out and Shelly whispered to me, “Give that girl your phone number.” Grrr… I’m tired, I’m grumpy, I don’t want to walk up and just give her my number… but I did it cause Shelly told me too and I follow directions to the best of my ability. Shelly is another member with 16 years sobriety and I listen to everything she says. She has God all over her… Stephanie is the new girl’s name and dear God she reminds me of ME. She is SOOOO Sick right now. She has one week and one day of sobriety. WOOT! That is a freaking long time too! She calls me everyday, we texted last night… after I figured out how to do it… and she is just a doll, just grasping at whatever she can at this time. Man, she reminds me so much of how it feels being one week and one day sober… like the first time anyway. Man, those first thirty days I thought I was going to die… was the longest thirty days of my life… I’ve claimed several thirty-day chips but not a one of them even compares to the first thirty days. That was a bitch! I pray that I am a friend to Stephanie and I can love her through the pain… cause there is no doubt that recovery is NOT for the weak. Recovery is a bitch in the beginning… it’s no box of chocolates… no cake walk… it’s by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I’ve always … always… taken the easy way out… this is all new to me and so maybe that explains how I fly from one extreme to the other sometimes… maybe why I can’t talk to my dad right now… maybe why I can’t be in relationships even when I would like to… why someday’s my tolerance level is very low … why I know I can’t even consider battling the world’s issues right now… someday’s I can’t even battle my own… but everyday it gets a little easier… everyday I get a little stronger… every day the God of my understanding gets a little bigger. I heard through the grapevine today that Sarah is strung out pretty bad. Sarah was my first and only sponsee for those that don’t know. It still pulls at my heart… my mood dropped about 50 degrees when I heard she knocked on John’s door last night. I couldn’t even look at John for a couple of hours today because I’m afraid bullets would have flown out my eyes and killed him dead… but I said a prayer and almost instantly I got better. As IF it is his fault, of course I want to blame the man… it’s always the MAN! … old thinking, I know… Oh by the way… John apologized for jumping on me the other day and then gave me a box of chocolate… said it was a peace offering. So the tension is gone there too… and I’m going to win him over someday… Ok, wait… back track, God is working on John and I’m one of His tools… ok, maybe not everyday… ok, perfect messages through imperfect people, right? I really do think John is on God’s list… I’ve been praying about it, I’ve been seeking answers and I know that ALL people are on God’s target list… but John is on front row. God is about to deliver him from his way of life… and I’m going to get to watch another miracle from the hands of GOD! I been thinking a lot of prayer lately. What is prayer? Prayer is just talking to God. Talking to Him like I’m talking to you right now. Here’s an example of me praying: ** Jen sits on pot for her morning tinkle ** Jen Says: Good Morning God… Man, I don’t want to get up today. I could call in sick. God Says: Are you sick? Jen Says: I’m not sick, I’m just tired, I need to get to bed on time… You wouldn’t be pleased with me if I played hooky would ya… no, well, God HELP ME get my butt in gear. ** Jen pets Meow and then turns on shower water… lets it heat up for a minute then steps behind the curtain ** Jen says: God… Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change… God says: You mean people, places and things? Jen says: Yes… and God grant me the courage to change the things I can God says: You mean… Yourself? Jen says: Yes… and God grant me the wisdom to know the difference. God says: I’ve always been with you Jen, You just haven’t always been with me. Granted! I am that Wisdom. You have me… ** Jen thanks God for the running hot water she baths under. Jen thanks God for the warm bed she slept in. Jen thanks God for the job she is privileged to clock into. Jen thanks God for the clothes she gets to pick from the closet. Jen thanks God for giving someone the idea to invent the toothbrush. Jen thanks God for Irish Spring soap. Jen thanks God for the ability to stand on her own two feet while she showers. Jen thanks God for the gift of gratitude. ** Jen pours herself a cup of coffee… empties half the bottle of non-dairy creamer in her cup and a spoonful of sugar always helps the morning medicine go down. Jen says: God, John really hurt me… God I’m a woman standing alone in a man’s world. I have no one to run to when I am attacked, who will protect me? God says: I’m always with you. You’re never alone. I will protect you. Have you forgotten how big I am? Jen says: Your right God… I got the biggest big brother on the block don’t I. Thank you for reminding me. God, I’m worried about my place of business. I get so discouraged sometimes. People disappoint me; I can’t trust no one there! IT seems no one cares about our mission… everyone is just out for themselves! God says: Pray at all times without ceasing. I put you there to pray… When Dawn snaps your head off… talk to me, don’t snap back. When Sherry’s disorder gets you flustered, talk to me… don’t give her a piece of your mind. When John wants to power trip your ass… talk to me… don’t fuel his fire. When Betty wants to play bully, talk to me… I’ll tell you how I want you to respond. When someone asks you for food, DO NOT turn them away… when someone asks you to walk a mile with them… go two… When Mona mobs through the front office, don’t let her depression get on you… INSTEAD, show her MY FACE… Jen Says: God I don’t understand why things have to be like they are. I want a family. God my ticker is ticking away… am I going to have children? God, I can’t even see a man in my future. I can’t even imagine there is one for me. Am I destined to be barren? God Says: Jen it’s all in my timing. Do you trust me? Does my word say I will give you the desires of your heart? Was it not I that put those desires there? Do you believe I am a God of my Word? Then you must have faith, You must trust me. When you are ready… your desires will be fulfilled. And well… this is just a silly example, I’m not going to tell you all of my PRAYERS… that’s PERSONAL! Hahaha… like that has ever stopped me before, but really I got just zoned out for a minute, but I’m working on my prayer life and prayer is just kicking it with God. God what do you think? God I really would like this… God I don’t know if I can handle that again. God if it’s what you want then give me the strength to make it through. God, I love you more than I love life itself… without you, nothing else matters. One of my specific prayers today… God, It’s that time again. We know how I get at this time of the month. God I need you to keep me sober. Don’t let me be deceived into believing that a little painkiller would be ok… I know that a little pill will begin a binge that will cause me to break out in spots… that spot, this spot, all over the place doing who knows what with who knows who… and look… Here I am sober… a PMS day and I’m kicking it with God and my blog. For those that don’t know, PMS days have always been relapse days for me… EVERY time I have relapsed in the last year I have been bleeding. I know that’s it’s a sensitive time for me and I know I have to double up in prayer and be careful how I step. I gotta go! Love YOU!!!!!!!!! Why does writing help us so much? When we put it in black and white, it clears up the gray in our minds. |
| Dad... What does the dictionary say about a dad? The male parent… duh! One who begets, gives birth to, or nurtures and raises a child An organism that produces or generates offspring A guardian; a protector, A source or cause My dad has a lot of good qualities. He is allegiant. Strong. Intelligent. He will fight to death for someone he loves. He may not be the toughest guy around but he can damn sure make you think he is. He is very intimidating. All my childhood friends were scared of him; even my childhood pets pissed themselves when he walked in the room. At my last job, I worked hand and hand with a repo agent. He did the actual repos and I did the skiptracing, located the debtor then called with the location of the unit for him to repossess. Well, He told another girl that worked in the office that he thought he intimidated me. I fell out my chair laughing so hard over that one. That dude didn’t even come close to being as big and mean as the man I lived with till I was 17 years old. Still now it tickles me to chuckle. One thing dad taught me is to not show fear. The more you cried the harder he came at you. My natural temperament is to fight. I was fighting back before I even knew what fighting was. My brother was/is naturally more calm and collective than I am. In childhood, He would coward down to my dad and my dad would just swing even faster and harder. It seemed to piss dad off when my brother didn’t retaliate. He later told my mom he was trying to teach my brother to stand up and fight like a man. Well, That’s just fucked up… and it didn’t work. My brother isn’t a violent person to this day… though my dad did everything he could to try to make him one. I was different. When I was hit, my natural reaction was to hit back. I would scream and run all through the house, jump across beds, throw shit at my dad. I would threaten to call 911. Once I had the phone in my hand and fixing to hit the last digit when he caught me, got the phone away from me and then beat my ass with it. I was to young to have developed any fighting abilities, there’s no way I knew what the right thing was to do. I just reacted as my brother did in our own uniquely God given, born with temperament. Through the years, things changed. As my brother got bigger he started fighting back. As I become a young lady I stopped. Though I would still scream bloody murder. I remember throwing a full 7-11 Big Gulp into the wall of the hallway in our home. Soda splashed all over dad, entire hallway and me. I just turned and ran. I knew what was to come if when he caught me. My dad was abused when he was a kid. He was beat so hard by his Mother once that he was paralyzed from the waist down. So he says… As I grew into a young woman I remember so clearly and strongly BELIEVING that if I show fear then I’m going to get hurt beyond what I would if I stood my ground. Still to this day, I don’t show fear. I honestly have to force myself to back down from someone that is attacking me, verbally and/or physically. I’ve come to accept that I do have fears, but only very recently. When I first went into an AA meeting where the topic was fear, all these people talking about all this stuff they were afraid of. I was kicked back in my seat telling myself What a bunch of Chicken Shits! I ain’t afraid of a damn thing! Then a guy made comment about anger being a sign of fear. Huh? I’m damn sure angry all the time, which I couldn’t deny; it was all over me. The fact that you carried on that family tradition Engulfed in yourself ~ you wrote a brand new edition My dad got a kick out of me fighting back. He didn’t say so during the actual brawl but afterwards when the heat of the moment was over, I would over hear him bragging, laughing and loving it that I socked him a good one. I even saw him back away when I bowed up a few times. Did I scare him? I thought I had him scared but now I know that’s not the case at all. He was getting what he wanted… he was making me mean. But he didn’t think it was so cute when I got older. I turned into a rebel teenager and I didn’t give a damn about nothing. I would runaway from home every chance I could. I took off with the carnival many times. I was 13 years old and had a 21-year-old boyfriend. I was always suspended from school for fighting, smoking in the bathroom, and smoking on ‘stoner bench’ as we called it. I was selling and smoking weed. Held inside like a bodily waste that makes me sick My soiled emotions ~ the devils walking stick My brother was my connect. He got accused of being a nark by ‘the old man’, which is a name we called the big connect. We were called over the phone threatened with bombs, big black dudes showing up at our door with baseball bats. Chic’s would walk up to me, ask if I was J.’s little sister, I’d say yeah… what’s it to ya? And bitch would just start swinging. Things got rough… and my brother never snitched no one but it don’t matter cause if they think you snitched that’s all they care about. My brother backed out of a road trip at the last minute. His partner went alone and got popped, went down for 8 years. The ‘old man’ assumed my brother snitched because he backed out at the last minute. Assumption is all it takes on that side of the world. You taught me how to square my back and stay ready for a fight You showed me that everyone’s got in them a little wrong and a little right These dudes came up and started pissing in our front yard. My dad walked out to tell them to get lost and they jumped his ass. There were dudes waiting around the corner for him to step outside. The pissers were just distractions. This went on for a while. There were hits out for all of us. My dad went to the ‘old man’s’ house with a pistol, knocked on the door, three dudes stepped out and then the old man. My dad told him that he came over for a gunfight. Told the old man that he came by to kill him. That he had full intentions of dying to but he was going to make damn sure the old man went with him. With the leader gone… the soldiers would dissolve. That’s all there was to that. The old man told my dad he would call off the dogs and we never heard anything about it again… from anyone. My dad does well in crises. He’s the guy you want on your side, for sure. He use to be, I guess. Today he is a sick old man. He’s power over people is gone and he has nothing but his own misery to keep him occupied. I don’t know… I don’t know how I feel about him. I know he is my dad. I know when I look in the mirror, I see his brown eyes looking back at me. I know that my brother and my ex-husband use to throw at me in fights “You’re just like dad!” It wasn’t a compliment, by either of them. You showed me traits in myself that I don’t want to keep You showed me that what we sow, we eventually do reap So that was then… this is now… I saw my dad begin to treat JJ the way he treated us just in that short time JJ was with him, last summer. I think that’s when I blocked him out. I think that’s when I cut him out. I haven’t been the same towards him since. I haven’t felt the same. He made JJ eat a Cheese sandwich for breakfast. JJ said he didn’t want the cheese sandwich for breakfast, he doesn’t like cheese, but dad made him eat it. My God… it’s only a freaking CHEESE sandwich but that brought back so much to me when I heard JJ and then Dad tell me the story. Who eats cheese sandwiches anyway? Where’s the beef, man? He Power tripped his ass… My dad use to have my full attention until about a year ago. I would drop everything when he called. I would go running… As an Adult, Time after Time I was left feeling like that battered little girl… Every time I would reach out for him, try to build a relationship with him. It’s not physical anymore, it’s emotional… or the lack there of. Is it Dad’s fault that he can’t show emotion? Or is that even it? I don’t know… the question is... do I even care? It's like somewhere, when I wasn't looking maybe, the switch got flipped and I stopped giving a damn. The word "Daddy" is so not a word for my dad to me. I remember buying a zippo for him on one of his birthdays. They engraved " Love you Daddy" instead of "Love you Dad." I gave it to him but it embarrassed me so bad. I used a word of endearment and I wasn't sure if he was going to throw it back in my face. I've never called my dad, daddy. It's always been a name for my lastest 'big daddy'... the one that supplies me with dope and drink and it will always mean that to me... never have I or will I refer to the man that helped give me life as daddy. And I'm from Texas You’re like an alluring date that calls when he’s bored One that I run back to every time, one with no reward |
There’s no doubt I think about you Thoughts of what could have been Do you appreciate or even see… The woman that your little girl grew up to be. I look in the mirror and all I see, Are your brown eyes looking back at me. Forgiveness. Such a simple word. But its so hard to do. When you've been hurt. This is a song by Kellie Pickler. The song really sucks but a few of the lyrics tugged at my heart and made raindrops fall from my eyes. I changed it up a bit… |
| I didn’t write about it yesterday but John and I had another blow. This time he tore into my ass and I just sat there. He went off the chain… today I get an IM from him: John: i want to say that im sorry for the way i talked to you yeasterday but i still say those kids know how to sign and i wasent feeling good at all please next time you have a problem with me dont confront me in front of people just say hey we need to talk later Jennifer: ok, ty It was much unexpected to get an apology from him. It’s not the apology I would like, followed by a lot of excuses but none the less… it’s an apology. I think I will let him live. I really handled this so much better than I have ever done in the past. I just kept telling him to wait till bosslady gets here and we will discuss this. He said some off the wall shit like… even attacked my recovery, said he doesn’t give a damn about what I’m going through in my life. Said: You’re going to learn not to talk to my ass, slammed his fist down on my desk. I mean just acted a crazy fool. I think he is right. I have learned and I will go out of my way to avoid him. I brought all of this on myself. This is a direct result of my past choices. I have to suck it up and man up. I’ve been praying about him and that situation. Justin called me yesterday and told me that he could have a buddy stop by the food bank and have a chat with him, and guaranteed I wouldn’t have another problem with John. I considered but promptly turned him down. That’s not the way I confront my challenges anymore. I’ve decided to focus on the answer… the answer? I’m going to have to go to my boss each time I have problems with another co-worker. You see, I record, report and calculate the volunteer hours. A kid claimed no one ever told him to sign in and he has lost his time served because I have no proof he was here. I asked John about it when the kid was standing here. I had an attitude, I won’t deny. I get frustrated at this place and the people. I know one thing I won’t speak to John without my boss lady standing near by. Absolutely no doubt about that… lessons learned. Truth is… had I not spent time with John during the last relapse none of this would be happening. That opened the door for all of this bullshit. I am directly responsible for that. Can’t blame the world for my mistakes. It doesn’t work… tried it already. So… it’s a good day. The tension in and around me has lightened. A daily reprieve… like on death row…  Matthew 43-47 "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. |
| Overcome with bubbliness I am ONLINE! My Gosh… I am over here like a kid with a new toy. I still don’t have sound, and that’s just weird. I got to have my tunes! You know it! But no time to mess with it now, I got to BLOG! Man… it’s been a rough ride since this last trip around the same stupid mountain. I hope I don’t have to circle that big bastard no more cause it sucks! Wow… I can actually have WDC open AND yahoo messenger at the SAME time! I think I’m going to pass out… I was really dealing with an antique before. This just amazes me. What a gift! For those that have Yahoo and want to add me, my screen name there is: love2write2006 How original huh!?!?! And well for those that I’ve added back that maybe don’t want to be added back, just ignore me. I just added all that was in my address book and Lord I don’t know who over half of them are. I’m sure there are some ‘not so good’ playmates on that list, but I’m stronger than I use to be. Or maybe I’m still just as full of shit… Knocks on head… So here is the scoop: My sponsor, Sheree, had an old modem, she wasn’t sure what was wrong with it, said I could have it. Skittles has a sponsor that builds computers; so I took the old modem to him asked him to do what he could with it. Skittles volunteers at this non-profit place in Midland, turns out they were trashing a bunch of monitors and other accessories. They were just handing em’ out like candy. Skittles hooked me up with a monitor, about 15 keyboards… AS IF… need one? A pair of speakers and a mouse, which I still have my mouse and keyboard and I’m pretty sure I got a couple sets of speakers somewhere but then again I may have given them to Nicky when I gave him my old old puter… Nicky is my stepdad’s other son, he is actually his stepson but Mike raised him from childhood… I’m so rambling… and since I think I’m missing a few wires from the speakers Skittles got… I have been digging around to find my other speakers to no avail. So then I go digging for a CD cause I really want to jam and ACDC isn’t in it’s case, neither is Nickelback nor Lynard… WTF? I need to take better care of my property… So Toby Keith was in his case… Two songs ---I’m done with that! Anyway… I’m pretty happy to be back in cyber world! I mean it… I felt like I lost my family! Computers are a lot of company for single folk and well married folk too, so scratch that… What’s New? I think I had a spiritual awakening of sorts while on my road trip Saturday. Somewhere between here and Lubbock Texas I figured out that people deserve second chances. I know I DAMN sure HOPE SO! So… I decided to lighten up on Greta… cut her some slack. Stop thinking and talking about what happened and just let it go! If she does hurt me well… what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. I need Greta. Greta needs me. She has been very instrumental in my recovery. Why the hell I can’t just live and let live? I don’t know… Why I feel like the world is out to get me sometimes… I don’t know. Why I can’t just shake shit off and accept people as people… I don’t know… but I am better than I use to be. I use to just shut the door and that was that. You hurt me, you burned me, I don’t like you… just go. But Saturday I realized that Jesus uses imperfect people to teach his messages perfectly. And well I also figured out that she was using my own character defects against me! And that’s what chapped my butt the most… so it wasn’t per say HER … it’s not WHO she is… that I was so bothered by, it’s that her character defects remind me so much of my own that it makes me wanna slap somebody! Because I’m not Ok with who I am. How could she take my own weaponry and use it against me… So many lessons learned through that experience. Well I decided this on Saturday, I just decided I wasn’t telling her nothing… just going to ride it out till Sheree gets back and we can talk it over. Then this morning Greta calls and man there was such a difference in her. It was like she too had the same spiritual awakening and she was just so sweet and nice to me, really different than she has been in the last two weeks. Her voice told a different story today. I heard her message and I instantly called her back. She made the comment, “Who am I to decide you shouldn’t feel a certain way?” I mean it was like the closure I needed. It was like an amend and instantly shit just starting pouring out of me… I’ve been bottling so much of it that I’m like pressure cooking. I’ve been on the edge for a while… one little push and I’ll jump. I’m still pretty angry and I really don’t know why… but it’s getting better. My dad kept trying to contact me last night. I couldn’t talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to him. He may be ready to talk but I’m not. The tension in my back makes me physically sick sometimes. I’m such a high strung person… but I’m so much better than I use to be. As I was telling Greta, This tension I use to live with on a daily basis, now it only comes when there’s something bothering me. I don’t know what it is that is bothering me… but something surely is. I have so much to say but I am really overwhelmed right now… I’m glad to be back online! |
I am really overflowing with gratitude this morning. It’s been on my heart for a few days now to start telling the people that have gone above and beyond just how much it means to me. I want to do something nice for Sheree, Skittles and Penny. I want to take Sheree out to eat, get her a card and some fluffy house shoes. She will be back from her vacation on Sunday. I’m not sure what I want to do for Penny. I think more of a verbal acknowledgement would work for her. I just want her to know how much of an influence she makes on me. And then Skittles… I am just amazed at what he has done for me and the fact that he expects nothing in return. Nothing… I told him that the sexual relation between us was hindering my recovery and he is just so understanding about it. He hasn’t pursued it since I told him how I felt but he still calls, still comes to see me, and still does whatever he can to help me. Not everyone has these types of emotional / sexual issues as I but because of my past, sexual relations are a huge part of why I even need recovery! So it’s just a critical issue for me. I want to clean his apartment, maybe put a little splash of a woman’s touch in there as a way of showing my appreciation. He may not want that… but I will offer. He stayed with me last weekend, slept in my bed and never once busted a move. In fact, we sort of resembled old married folk; he was watching football as I read in bed. As I have said before, Skittles is the only man I have known thus far that I feel like I can trust almost completely. I believe he is a huge instrument of God, one that God is using to help heal my deep men issues. I’ll dive deeper another time… Justin found me on myspace and emailed me yesterday. I wrote him back thanking him for his Word in due season: I'm going to a funeral this weekend, my stepbrother was found dead in his bed, he is 37 years old and one of us... but the autopsy results have not made it in yet so we really don't know cause of death. Hey! When you said to me over the phone the other day, "She power tripped your ass"... You like confirmed something for me, God works through you JUSTIN!!! Though you may not understand what that meant to me it for sure was a moment of clarity and I appreciate you being an instrument fit for the Masters use! Now, go change your profile because you appear to be a damn thug! Love, Jennifer So Greta did accommodate my need to change our talk time. We agreed we would talk at 9PM at night since her minutes are free at that time. I forced myself to call her last night though I did not wish to. She didn’t answer. She hasn’t returned a call to me either. That is another confirmation that sponsorship is not destined between us. It is a sponsors RESPONSIBILITY to answer the phone. I went all day yesterday without talking to my sponsor, that is not acceptable and it was not my choice it was because my sponsor wouldn’t answer the phone. I did what I was supposed to do. I know her enough to know she keeps that phone by her side at all times. Yep… I got a little upset about it but I also realized that it is but another confirmation that I am making the correct choice for my recovery by not working with her in sponsorship. I will not call her as a sponsor anymore. In fact, the next time I speak with her I will tell her it’s not working out. I don’t believe I will offer reasons unless she asks me. If she asks, I will tell her my reason but I will not debate them with her. My decision has been made. Skittles brought me my computer last night! His sponsor hooked me up! The software he has on this computer is well worth over $1000. I have all of Microsoft office, the works… and just wow I was floored to see how quickly and easily that ‘Jen Crisis’ worked out! This computer is ten times faster than the one I had… all at no charge to me! Somebody pinch me! I had to call Tech this morning with my service provider, since I’ve misplaced the CD. They will be out Monday after work to get me up and running online. Last night I did begin a journal in my NEW puter… it’s just so much easier for me to type than to write. My hand starts aching when I handwrite! I’m so spoiled, I know… I’ll have to miss the Monday meeting since I have to go home and wait on Tech guy to show up between 5PM-7PM. I have also decided that I am going to expand my recovery and travel to different meetings within Odessa and Midland. Suburban Club will always be my home group but another suggestion Justin gave me was to get around and hear different stories instead of the same all the time. Mom and Mike are on the way to Post this morning. I will leave out at 8AM tomorrow and meet them for the funeral, they will stay with the family but I will just make a turnaround and come back home. I don’t do funerals, but I feel it necessary to attend this one in support of my parents. Well! After Monday I will be back to normal blogging hopefully! I’m excited… overcome with gratitude and eager to meet the next challenge life throws my way! I miss reading you guys, I don’t get around as much as I would like but next week that will change. Love me long time! |
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