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Crush enemies, abandon hope, and unleash endless waves of unrepentant sarcasm. |
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There's nothing to see here that's really out of the ordinary. Nothing really terribly interesting either, unless you like griping, gossip, grudges, and possible mental illness. If anything it's some small way to keep myself writing (though you'll see by the dates on the entries that it's by no means an effective way), as well as a means through which I can vent about any number of things that are pissing me off. Occasionally there's pie. Look: I'm not a normal person. I'm suffering from untreated depression and plagued by increasingly frequent migraines that pretty much render me bedridden for days. I've suffered a lifetime of abuse and neglect, and still have to struggle with unfathomable depths of low self-worth, not to mention the eating disorders. I'm a weirdo, a freak, an aberration of nature and human experience . . . but it doesn't make me interesting. So, you can read this if you want. I've got some social commentary that might be a little fun, and occasionally throw in a poem or two, but for the most part it's the ramblings of a stricken mind. Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain; she's just trying to change her dress. |
| So my roommate, Constance, started dating this guy about a month or two ago. At first he seemed really nice: he said hi to me whenever he came over, he seemed to treat her well, and overall it was nice that she had a man to suit her needs, since apparently she needs to have sex and have a man on her arm to feel like a human being. But, it's not all good. For one thing, he spends the night several days a week, and that makes me feel really awkward, especially since Constance and I agreed that sex would not happen in the room while the other roomie is present, and I'm pretty sure it does. His biggest problem is that he doesn't seem to understand that there are other people present in this apartment. Here are some examples of his nasty inconsiderate ways: 1) He constantly leaves the toilet seat up, which pisses off Alicia, who has told him over and over to put it down when he's done. 2) He eats other people's food witout asking first. This is mostly Constance's fault, because he asks her and she lets him take whatever he wants even though the food is Connie's or Alicia's. 3) He bitches about the quality of the food that is not his and was not bought for him, and for which he typically does not ask. 4) He never washes the dishes he uses, which means Alicia has to do it for him. 5) He turns the volume on the TV up really loud, to the point where I, in my room with the door closed, can hear and understand the dialogue. 6) He gets up for work at an insanely early hour, and his alarm is loud as FUCK. 7) He likes to wake up in the wee hours of the morning to surf the Internet and talk to Constance, and then go back to bed for a few hours after I have been ripped out of sleep and unlikely to regain unconsciousness. 8) He talks in his sleep. I know he can't control it, but it's still fucking annoying as hell, as it wakes me and often Constance up. 9) He always sleeps with Constance, but bitches and moans because he doesn't have enough room and he's not comfortable. Well, you know what? There's a lovely floor down there, and a couch in the living room. I guess it's sweet that he wants to be with Constance, but come on: stop complaining about something that you can easily change. And it's not like Constance is happy to have a foot and a half of space; I've seen the way she sleeps, and she tends to sprawl. She's nice enough to share her bed, so shut up. The thing that pisses us off the most, however, is the way he treats Constance. He's not overtly mean or abusive, but he doesn't seem to have much respect for her. They are really cute when cuddling and so forth, but he's loud and impatient while waiting for her, and his word use implies that he feels he can boss her around. He tells her to "Come here" or "Let's go" and so forth, and Connie can't believe she would take that shit. And, personally, I think he's just using her. He spends most nights of the week in her bed, for a reason that he has stated: GMU is closer is to his job than his parents' house. Alicia even heard him say that he wanted to take one car to visit his parents, so that he could just drive back to campus, spend the night, and shoot up to work. But, he makes her happy, and I guess she enjoys the attention even if it is mixed with rudeness she refuses to see. Her choice. I tried to catch a falling star, but all I got was this damn pixie.
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| Okay, I finally did the first of my ten reviews for SisterofMercy, so at least I've gotten started. Since the linguistics test was moved to Wednesday and the proposal for English isn't due until Sunday now, I should have more time to play on Writing-dot-com and get to the rest of the promised reviews. |
| So I DID end up going to the hospital on Monday. The Inova Emergency Care Center off Chain Bridge, to be exact. I gotta say, for my first hospital visit, and while I'm off insurance, this was a fairly positive experience. All the nurses and the doctor were very nice, and even if they took my blood pressure several times with that brutal contraption (the nurse with the squeezie is so much gentler) they more than made up for it in caring. So I left with a diagnosis of a URI and pharyngitis (which is an infection at the back of the throat), and an arm full of anti-inflammatory. And that was one long-ass shot, too. I could feel the pressure increase as she kept pumping the contents of the syringe. I got a nice bruise from it, plus some bruising from where I took the band aid off two day later. Hey, it worked: half an hour later I was having far less trouble swallowing, and by the time I got back to campus I was almost devoid of difficulty. But, alas, I missed an entire week of school regardless. My cough is finally somewhat under control, though I still cough every now and then. I should be fine to go back tomorrow, and hopefully Annette will offer me her notes so I can catch up. I feel bad for leaving my groupies all alone without me. I guess it can't be helped. So, I just spent some time talking to Ken. Hooray for guys who are my age! And who don't smoke! He and I get along quite well, and I am eager to get to know him better. I suppose I should feel bad for not being that into Phil, but really, the age is just too much for me, and I really don't like smoking. He hasn't been calling that much lately, partly I'm sure because Beth told him I was sick. Maybe he's losing interest. But, Ken has a cat, watches anime, and knows physics. He also implied that I'm easy to talk to, so yay. Lyssah needs a man in her life, and Ken is fairly cute, and damn his Target voice is hot in a funny way. |
| So I seem to have an infection, because my throat is swelling. It's an effort to swallow even water and tea, and I'm almost afraid to try eating the fries I got earlier. The sound of my breath as I inhale reminds me of air being sucked through a straw (and not just because I saw that commerical years and years ago). I'm rather nervous, because if this gets any worse I will have to go to the hospital, or die. I'm afraid to sleep, because my throat might close up on me while I'm unconscious. Some suicidal person I am: worried because I might die TONIGHT. But hey, nobody can face death without fear. And also, I don't like change. I don't even want to get a job because I'm worried about losing my "me" time, and being not lazy. Dying? That's such a huge jump. I don't think I'm ready to die. Hopefully nothing will come of it, and I'll be nice and clear-throated tomorrow. However, I will be vigilant for signs of worsening symptoms. |
| So Kim and I got into a fight online, and I stood up for myself. It was really stupid: she said she had "plantar faciitis" or something along those lines, and I hear "plantar" and something that sounds kind of fungal, and I assumed she had plantar warts (it's actually a torn ligament in the foot). I put my foot in my mouth trying to get myself out of the embarassing position I had put myself in, and finally said, "I should stop talking." For some reason, Kim saw that as a slight against her (I don't know how) and had one of her "Kim Moments" where she gets so wrapped up in being offended she ignores all attempts to clarify or apologize. I finally got sick of saying "I'm sorry, I really meant this," and asked if she had slept that day. She writes, "Don't try to turn this around on me. I've done nothing wrong." I responded that I was going to turn it around on her, because she was being irrational. Then comes a volley of statements about how I'm so rude, I don't realize that I hurt people with what I say, I always make her feel like I'm angry with her, basically a lot of stuff that I could easily say about her when she gets into these moods. I finally said "fuck it" and blocked her ass. And you know what? This little pushover does not regret it. |
| What a week this has been. Let's begin where we left off: Friday: Coraline was really cool. I didn't really like the movement at times; it was too exaggerated and cartoony for my liking. It's nice to have claymated or CGI characters that move, but when all the sighs are THIS BIG, it looks a little silly. But the story was really cool; I cannot wait to read the book (may actually start tonight). I especially loved the talking cat (oh wow, Ahlyssah's excited about a talking cat, who would have thought?). All in all, I think this movie needs to be added to my collection. I was somewhat saddened by a lack of Aimee and Stef, but oh well. Saturday: I was all ready to sit down at my computer and try to write my paper, When Beth calls and says that a fraction of the models she needed for a photo shoot showed up, and she needed help. I agreed, and found myself whisked away to parts unknown (literally, Beth needed to follow behind someone, and had to get directions to get back to Fairfax) to be photographed in sexy positions wearing far less clothing that I am accustomed to. No problem, Beth said I performed like a professional, and the guy with whom I was posing, Phil, asked for my phone number. I was greatly flattered by the praise (especially since Beth thinks I'm hot enough to pull something like that off) and by the attention from a man. So I went back to my dorm far later than expected by Beth, and tried to write my fucking paper. Sunday: Still trying to write the paper. I finally went to bed around maybe, 7 am. Upon waking, I trashed all that I had written previously and tried to come up with a better thesis. Phil called me (what guy calls the next day? that made me feel good), but I let my voicemail take the call since I felt like it might be a long conversation and I had to do my fucking paper. He wanted to thank me about doing the shoot on such short notice. He told me that I am "absolutely beautiful" which I wanted to blame on the drink, but he had maybe two beers, so not enough to distort his vision. But I finally managed to finish the fucking thing, turn it in . . . only to discover several minutes past the midnight deadline that I forgot the Works Cited page. Well GEEEEEEE! She mentioned that we needed one in the second-to-last sentence when that requirement normally goes at the TOP! Not to mention that I've never needed a Works Cited page when the piece of work is singular and well-known to the professor! Ugh. Monday: I get a call from Sasha asking if I want to hang out at Stef's. I agree, and she replies, "Good, because Jim is on his way over to campus to pick you up." I found that hilarious. We played Catan, and then talked. Phil called me back (because I had told him to call whenever that night since I did not expect to leave my dorm). And everyone giggled upon my re-arrival upstairs when I explained. There was some sense of scandal when I told them that Phil is in his thirties, but mostly they are just making fun of me for the sin of wanting to date when I have never dated before. Then Beth called. Stef made the comment that I have more friends than the rest of them, but I tried to explain that it was not so, merely that I had told people to call me in my ignorance of ending up at her house. But Beth told me that Phil was digging me, and we arranged to go over the photos on Tuesday together so I could get to know him. Tuesday: Beth and Phil shower me with compliments while we're going over the pictures, which makes me blush. Beth goes to her class, and I am left with Phil to talk until my class. I must say, he is one of the more interesting guys I've met. We didn't run out of things to talk about (and I didn't have to ask lame-ass questions along the lines of where he works, et cetera, though I did ask if he'd lived in the area for a while). The guy is really sweet, really intellectual, and he seems to respect every word that comes out of my mouth. He left with Beth after her class, and actually gave me a hug. Later that day I started feeling poorly. Wednesday: The group and I started cracking up over our culture for our made-up language. I worked the kiosk for UES, where I was set upon by Mike despite my hints that I am not interested. Even outright ignoring him didn't seem to faze him. But I got to talk to Patrick, who is really cool. I didn't have Fiction, so after the kiosking I got some food, and went to sleep. Thursday: The stress building up finally hit me, and I spent all day feeling generally like shit. I tried to study for Linguistics, didn't have much luck. Tried to write my story, didn't make much progress. I thought to return Phil's call from Tuesday, didn't want to talk to him while I was feeling bad because I tend to get bitchy if I have to stay conscious while sick. Beth called later in the day and said that Phil is definitely interested, and wants to get to know me. He wanted to spend Friday with me, but I told Beth that I was going home for healing. She empathized, and told me to feel better. I feel a little bad for feeling relieved about not having to be put in the position to say no to Phil, but I'm just not ready for that yet. Friday: Went home, saw cats, slept most of the day. Tried to fix my fucking TV after screwing with it previously to play my PS2; it took me forever to get it to go back to normal television. When I did, I got to watch Die Hard for the first time ever. Saturday: More sleeping, but went to buy things. My mother's balance was a lot lower than she had been told, so I had to lend her money so a check would not bounce. She says I'll be getting a lot back, so I'm not complaining. It's just annoying that whenever we go to CVS to get a FEW things, she spends an excess of fifty dollars every time (this time it was almost a hundred). She says she's had it with Penneys, and is going to cancel her account. I think that's a good move, since she doesn't go to JCP that much anymore and doesn't really need a credit card. I got to watch The Princess Bride again (it's ALWAYS showing on Bravo), and thought very hard about the title, as Buttercup is not a princess, and her being a bride-to-be does not have a great deal to do with the story as a whole. I mean, it's not central. Westley and Buttercup being in love, and that love being impossible to disrupt, is the main story here. Sunday: Came back, got Chinese food and stuff, and wrote my story. I finished it at around two am, being the second person to send it out. I think it turned out fairly well. I hope they enjoy it! Monday: Took my first linguistics test. It was open-note, open-book, so that was really cool. I missed the last three questions, because I just didn't know the answers. I had no idea, and I couldn't find the info in my notes. I'm hoping to see whether or not I guessed close to correctly. At any rate, if I get all the others, that's still an 85, and a B is satisfactory. Called Phil twice to wish him a happy birthday, he didn't pick up (Beth said he gets depressed around this time of year), then I was whisked away again to hang out with Stef, Sasha, Jim, and Heather to play Rock Band. Jim left, and the four of us went to Friday's (and because I had no wallet, I now owe Stef about 15 bucks, which she did not begrudge me). I couldn't sleep, so I stayed up until 4:30. Tuesday: Not much has happened. I went to both my classes. I woke up Constance so she wouldn't miss her class (she spent the whole night writing a paper for it). I ran into Bradley at the JC, and he said that he had just talked to Beth about me being in some "a-MAZE-ing pictures!" (Beth told me that he nearly wet himself when she told him I had modeled for her, so I'm happy to still be thought hot by Bradley). He's just as behind as I, and we high-fived to our failings. And now I'm back here, eating Pasta Roni which has by now gone quite cold, and trying to drink this cocoa even though it's not really quenching my thirst. I'm so fucking tired! I tried to catch a falling star, but all I got was this damn pixie. |
| Coraline opens in theaters today, and us nerdy kids on Gaia are all going: Sasha, Taka, Jim, Aimee, maybe Andrew, maybe Bradley, and me. Stef was was of the original three (including myself and Sasha) who decided to make this a group event, but her mother is coming up for a visit, and she will likely not make it. Damn mothers . . . So I sit here, waiting for my hair to dry, waiting for Sasha to get out of class, and hoping that the migraine I spiked last night does not decide to come back. Just in case, I'm taking my Motrin with me when we leave. I'm so happy. I haven't seen a movie in theaters in so long. And to see it with friends is going to be awesome. Hooray for popcorn! I also got the Book, but I decided not to read it until after the movie, just so I don't get too pissed off. Hooray for Book! |
| So I'm up to page six now. I just got to part where Anthony's talking about his ocelot encounter, and I'm not sure what he should say. I also need to come up with a title for this bitch. Miller says that we should always title the story according to the heart of the story, but I'm not sure what the heart of this story is. Oh well. I am cramping. My body hates me for being born a woman. I am very concerned about going off the pills, even just temporarily. Hopefully I'm old enough that my cycle will be somewhat regulated by now, but with my emotional problems I may not know when to expect my cycle for months. I'm not sure if the cramps will get worse. I hope they don't; this is really uncomfortable. So um, I need to remember to get to Professor Berg about the publication workshop. |
| I do not think I will ever enter into a fulfilling relationship. I may curse myself to a few weak, unloving, frivolous boyfriends, relationships to last a mere few weeks or so. I know it seems that I push many interested boys away, but I honestly just don't like the kind of guys who have been going after me. Just because I wear black that does not entail that I am not going to suck off the first man who shows interest! Why have I failed? I am not so unnattractive to be ignored completely; the fact that some men like me is proof of that. I am not horribly out of shape, though I may not like my current physique. Plenty of people have told me to be proud of my ass, and girls with too much or nothing get guys. It is not like I am a complete wallflower, either; I am shy, but I do talk to people. And yet no decent man has come into my life. Maybe I'm just not at an age where I can expect love. I know I can't expect too much from these people around me. Bradley was the "nice" guy, and look what happened. I have so little hope for anything in my life. I do not believe I will ever amount to anything but an empty person trying to fill the void with trivial distractions. Please let me go insane soon. I cannot bear this loneliness. I tried to catch a falling star, but all I got was this damn pixie.
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| All righty, I've read up to chapter 15 in The House of the Seven Gables, which isn't bad considering there's only like 21 chapters in the whole book. But, alas! for I must set that book aside (when it's becoming really interesting) and pick up Beowulf, which I must read in its entirety TODAY. Joy. Bliss. Happiness. Kittens. And it's sixty fucking degrees outside! I can't believe this! I should be out there being poetic and stuff, and here I am reading Beowulf, a prose translation, in its entirety, indoors. I'd like to read it outdoors, but in the words of Professor Jeff Mantz, "I get too interested in the Squirrels." Oh well, to Beowulf! But first, JUICE! I tried to catch a falling star, but all I got was this damn pixie.
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