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 |  My second journal here. My new beginnings. |
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I guess it's been a while since I've started this blog and after it's done I doubt I will write on here anymore. I guess I'll see where things take me then. My sisters whom I love and whose blogs I breathe: silversara and Just Jamie   I love them with all my heart. |
| It normally annoys people that I'm so indecisive. Everyone knows that the reason I am that way is because I don't want to offend anyone or do something another person doesn't want to do just because I wanted to. Which also makes me quite the pushover. People know I'm a pushover. But I'll tell you a secret. The reason I'm REALLY indecisive is because when forced to make a decision, a person most likely automatically chooses something else. "Hey you pick where we go to eat." "Okay, here." "I don't want to go there, let's go here." Seriously? I don't think I need to say anything else. It IS annoying though. But you know what? In the end, I don't really care. I don't give a crap what we do or where we go or how things should be done, honestly but stop giving me shit because I'm an indecisive person if you're not going to agree with my decision anyway. le sigh.  Elaine Bradley |
| This is a lyric from a Ben Folds song. It's kinda bitter-sweet but I really love it for some reason. “Good morning son. In twenty years from now maybe we’ll both sit down and have a few beers. And I can tell you about the day, how I picked you up and everything changed. It was pain, sunny days and rain. I knew you’d feel the same thing. Everybody knows it sucks to grow up. And everybody does. So weird to be back here. Let me tell you what, the years go on and we’re still fighting and we’re still fighting it. You’ll try and try and one day you’ll fly away from here.” Elaine Bradley |
| I’m having a really difficult time concentrating and staying focused at work today. All I have to do today is read through a bunch of training material (training, finally) and especially with my headphones in, I just can’t read more than a sentence at a time before my mind begins to wander. So much going on! My flight for Switzerland was booked so it’s like…seriously official. I should be receiving my passport soon too. Did I mention that this is all for work so I don’t have to pay for anything? Jeepers. I never in a million years would have guessed I would have had an opportunity like this. And we’ll be there for a week. I’ve been trying to plan our flight to Hawaii as well. It’s kind of tricky I have saved enough now to get us there and back and a hotel and rental car. I was kinda thinking I will book a cheap hotel for the first three nights we’re there and then the night we get married, move to a more expensive hotel. That way, it’s still not too expensive AND we get to stay in a nice hotel. Holy crow. I’m getting married in 86 days! ^_^ So, I’ve also been planning the “reception.” I’ve had a few break down moments. I didn’t think I would lol. I think I underestimate brides when I see them get all upset and stressed out. I get it now lol. And I’m not even planning a wedding! The thing that’s frustrating is people telling me “It’s your party, you do what YOU want.” And then judging and telling me what they think I should or shouldn’t do -_- But it’s coming together at least. I’ll just be happy when it’s done. We did decide to send out invitations so I’m having to deal with that but at least I found a good website to do them cheap. And they’re very pretty! I came up with them myself. I was a little bummed when my sisters told me they weren’t going to throw me a shower after all. I mean, when I got engaged and told them I would be getting married in Hawaii I told them they didn’t need to throw me one but they insisted. I got my hopes up and was all excited and even registered for gifts and yesterday they told me they thought it would be best to just not do one. One of my sisters said I could still keep my registry and get gifts but I just want money for the honeymoon. If I had a shower, that would be just for extra gifts. We set up a honeymoon registry online so that if people want to give gifts, they can give us money towards our honeymoon instead. It’s what we’d rather have. So that’s something I’ve been working on too. It’s the one thing I assigned the fiancé to do but alas….he thought it would be better if I did it. Haha, yeah he’s probably right. I have ups and downs based on all this stuff but I’m getting really excited. It’s neat seeing the calendar and counting down days. Switzerland is a month away nearly!! Ugh! I’m gonna be getting on a plane to another country! My first time on a plane. How crazy. The fiancé and I are going to King’s Island tomorrow. I’m excited for that too. We went to Six Flags Great America last year near Chicago. He used to go there as a kid a lot. I used to go to King’s Island as a kid a lot so I said I wanted to go there. I get to give him the tour and show him all my favorite rides ^_^ Then we’ll be going to a Def Leppard concert with my parents on August 24th. Ugh…I need to start thinking about travel stuff! I have no idea what I need to take. I’m so nervous about being in an airport and going through security and bag checks and stuff :( CRAZY!! “Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments. I can see no way, I can see no way. All of the ghouls come out to play. And every demon wants his pound of flesh but I like to keep some things to myself. I like to keep my issues drawn. It’s always darkest before the dawn. And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind. I could never leave the past behind. I can see no way, I can see no way. I am done with my graceless heart. Tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then re-start. Cause I like to keep my issues drawn. It’s always darkest before the dawn. Shake it out, Shake it out. It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off.” ~Florence and the Machine "Shake it Out." Elaine Bradley |
| I went to lunch with a few girls from work today. It was my cube neighbor’s idea. I dreaded it and was actually annoyed by it for some reason and didn’t want to go. I usually turn people down when they ask to go to lunch together. I’m extremely introverted and prefer to be alone. I realize this makes me look like a snob. I decided to go with them, however. It was actually pleasant. I kind of realized I picked the right girls to go with. They all seemed like me in that they convinced themselves to go like I did and that they sort of just keep to themselves at work to avoid the drama. We didn’t talk bad about anyone. We talked about the upcoming Switzerland trip and why we all REALLY wanted privacy filters on our screen (everyone says it’s a compliance issue and violation of privacy if others can see your screen, everyone knows it’s really so you can facebook and pinterest.) So, it was nice. I still feel really shy around them but it was a good release to get away from my desk and not have lunch alone like I think I like to do. I’ve been down and though it’s not actually causing any trouble in my relationship, it is causing him some trouble. He doesn’t like seeing me upset. He’s afraid that I’m not happy with our relationship which couldn’t be farther from the truth. He’s the best thing in my life. He makes me feel better when I’m down. He’s not the reason I’m down. Just sometimes I get like this and I just have to let myself….be like this. For a bit. Without him seeing me all bummed out. Especially when both of us know I have no good reason to be. But the truth is, it happens. I don’t know why I get like this. I think if I had to sum it up I would have to say I just feel like I have no control. But it hurts my heart to see him worry about me. Especially to worry that I’m not happy with him. What would I do without him? I love him. He’s amazing and perfect and I don’t want him to think like that. I have to do be better. I have to stop being so negative all the time. I won’t let him blame himself for anything. He deserves better than that….and I’m going to give it to him. Much love and happiness, Elaine Bradley |
| I’ve moved to a different area in my office (yet again) but I like it here so much better. Already. Things are all tidy in my cube and I’m in a more private area. Nobody is constantly behind my back or next to me talking loudly at the water cooler or while getting coffee. No one is telling me how “we” need to get a work order for this or “we” need to get a work order for that. “We” meaning me… I already like working for my new supervisor. She’s a little less….wild and loud and all over the place. Not really laid back but she’s getting things done. Getting me access to things I need access to. I wonder why I don’t already have that access after 4 months of having this position. Whether it’s just been neglected or my role has changed slightly, I don’t know. I don’t even KNOW if my role has changed at all. I don’t know anything. I do what I’m told and that’s it. And like yesterday, when I get told to do something by one person and questioned about it by another I feel like an idiot. I want to scream at these people. They look at me like I’m an idiot. Honestly, they look at me like they expect me to screw up yet I continue to prove that I’m not the one making the mistakes here. I consistently point things like that out (thank goodness for saving emails). But I still don’t know things and I feel like I’m expected too. I’m a hard worker and I hate looking like I’m doing things wrong because no one has told me how to do them right. I’m really stressed. I’m as stressed as I’ve ever been. Not because of one thing for an hour or a few days even. It’s been escalating for weeks. My heart flutters all day long. Literally, it will skip a beat. When I feel the little bubble in my chest I check my pulse and wait for it to happen again. And when it does, I feel my heart stop beating for a split second. I’ve researched and it’s apparently not dangerous but due to stress and lots of caffeine. That makes sense. And I wonder if I have any real reason to be stressed. I’ve let my eating habits slip up. All I want to do is sleep. I have to control impulses to buy stupid shit I don’t need. (Hence the ugly white lamp I bought because it was on clearance despite having anywhere to put it.) I had to leave work early because I just couldn’t be here. I just couldn’t. And then I got even more depressed because I felt like I was letting the fiancé down. Because I’m still with a contracting company, I don’t get paid when I take time off. And I really need to save this money for the honeymoon. I'm so afraid I'm going to let us down. I have such a good fiancé. I wonder what I did in life to deserve him and win his heart. He tells me we’ll be okay. We’re a team, we’re in this together. He tells me that I’m strong and I can do this. He tells me he won’t let anything happen to me, that I’m his number one. Even being stressed…maybe even a little depressed, it’s still better having him around. As he loaded all of our grocery bags onto one arm just so I didn’t have to carry anything, I smiled at him through my tears because of his encouraging words. At that exact moment in time, I had no reasons for stress. Much love and happiness, Elaine Bradley |
| I can't believe I never have to deal with it again. The constant fear, the anxiety, staring at the phone waiting for a text. Willing yourself to say nothing to the one who caused it all. Waking every morning unable to do anything. Questioning yourself, always questioning. Trying to convince yourself you're strong, stronger than that. Only to fail moments later. That emptiness in you chest, that promise of time healing all wounds. The sickness in your stomach, that falling to your knees. And my, did I spend a lot of time on the floor. Staring up at an unforgiving ceiling, tears burning the corners of my puffy eyes. Daylight through the curtains, moonlight through the curtains, constant showering, rebellious cigarettes on the roof, sleeping pills. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Forget, forget, forget. If only for a little while. Only to do it again. To have it done again. But not this time. ...Not this time. I found him. Elaine Bradley |
| I had a sudden feeling of missing my Grandmother today. It's been 11 years since she passed away. Amazing how it still seems like I can just go to her house for a visit. Visits there are still vivid in my memories. I know how the house smells still. The paint that was flaking off on the walls and the giant crack that ran across her high living room ceiling. I would open the screen door and knock on the wooden door and see through the windows her slipper covered feet propped up in her recliner snap down quickly in eagerness. She always wore slacks of some color..gray, turquoise, red. She dressed like an old lady but was fashionable at the same time. I always thought she could be one of the Golden Girls. She had a unique voice. Kind of high pitched, always full of excitement. Her face was always glowing and she grinned from ear to ear when she saw me or my sisters. Her washer and dryer were in the tiny dining room a top which she kept a loaded cookie jar for guests (Me and my sisters mostly as we were her youngest and last grandchildren,) Sometimes she'd sit at the table with us. Elbows resting on the surface and a cigarette in hand much like ladies in movies from the 30's would hold them, graceful and dainty. We'd ask her questions and she'd get lost in her answers as if reliving the moment. She'd start her sentence and trail off and it would be like an eternity before she spoke again. She always had the sweetest, instant ice tea made. We'd toss a few thick ice cubes in her pastel colored, tin cups and usually drink it up fast before taking time on our next glass. My Grandma was funny. And she could surprise you with the things she'd say. I see that my dad has to get his sense of humor from her. I wish so much, more than anything that I could just walk in her house again and visit. Sit on her tan couch in front of the fire place made of jade colored bricks and enjoy some tea while talking to her. To smell her, and her house and the mixture of Doves' Pink Rosa soap, Closer Red Gel toothpaste and Este Lauder scented body powder. I have no idea what I'd say. But I know I'd probably ask a lot of questions. A lot. Things I wish I had time to ask her. Thinking of her this way helps me forget how I last remember her. As a sick woman dying of pancreatic cancer. I don't believe in Angels but I believe somehow, somewhere she's still with me. Always. Always there. I just wish I could talk to her. "Never thought this day would come so soon. We had no time to say goodbye. How can the world just carry on? I feel so lost when you're not at my side. There is nothing but silence now, around the one's I loved. Is this our farewell? Sleep darling, you worry too much. My child, I see sadness in your eyes. You are not alone in life, although you might think that you are. So sorry your world is tumbling down. I will watch you through these nights. Rest your head and go to sleep because my child this is not our farewell. This is not...our farewell." ~Within Temptation (Our Farewell) Elaine BradleyElaine Bradley |
| I've been reading through my most recent Shambhala Sun magazine and it just INSTANTLY feels peaceful to do so. My head clears up and I feel calm again. The best part is that it makes me think deeply. It helps me to understand more fully. It got me to thinking about happiness. I was reading an article from my favorite contributor and one of my favorite authors, Natalie Goldberg, called Waking Up to Happiness. In it she talks about how she was in bed sick for 5 weeks but how she was completely content and had to get back to feeling content again once she was no longer sick. One line in it is what made me put the magazine down and start thinking: "You don't do happiness, you receive it. It's like a water table under the earth. It's available to everyone but we can only tap it, have it run up through us, when we're still. A well that darts around can never draw water." So my thoughts on this were that happiness is everywhere. It's always around us and better yet, it's free. We can have it literally whenever we want. It has no opposite. It's not that it can't exist if anger, fear, worry, guilt or sadness are present. Because it can. So why do we choose to not have it, I wonder. I know that I do choose to not have it. And often. It's something I always get onto my mother about because she SO CLEARLY does not want to be happy. She says she does but it's obvious that when you see it in front of her that she completely neglects it. I'm not innocent of this but she is a worse offender of it than I am. It is helpful in the way that I see it and recognize that it's not the way I want to be. I can't continue to tell her "You have to CHOOSE happiness, mother" if I can't even do it myself. But as silly as it is to say that maybe it scares me to be truly happy, maybe it's the truth. But why? Perhaps I hold onto anger, sadness, bitterness and guilt as though they were possessions as if they're there to protect me somehow. The same way I do with my past or when I was severely depressed at one point in my life. Because it's always there as well and I have comfort with it because it's simply what I'm used to. You say to yourself, "Oh, I can choose happiness." but it's so difficult to do so when you haven't really ever chose it and you've lived with the sadness your whole life. I suppose that way, it can seem scary. Happiness is the ability to be content in any situation. I think the biggest obstacle we as people face is that we have been conditioned to believe that happiness comes from things. Like possessions, food, clothing, friends, family members and situations. When I first started studying Buddhism, I saw these things as crutches, or support of happiness and it shouldn't be so (not to mention the pressure it may put on your loved ones! For them to know they are the only reasons you are happy...) because once the crutch is taken away, what happens? You must first be happy with yourself and then have the ability to live in contentment with the things and people around you. And this is what I'm working on. Free happiness! " I know, should realize, time is precious, it is worthwhile. Despite how I feel inside, I have to trust it will be alright. Have to stand up to be stronger. Have to try to break free from the thoughts in my mind. Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, have to make it right. I have to fight, cause I know in the end it's worthwhile. That the pain that I feel slowly fades away. It will be alright." ~Pale by Within Temptation Much love and YES happiness :) Elaine Bradley |
First THANKS TO MY SISTER FOR MY JOURNALING WRITING BADGE!! I feel so loved  Today is one of those days where I don’t want to do anything. Okay, I’ve had a lot of those days lately. This week especially. But I have a lot of work I really need to catch up on and I asked my supervisor if I could take a half day yesterday and today. REALLY shouldn’t be doing that cause I could use the time to get caught up but…ugh. Everyone here takes vacation time…frequently. I felt left out I guess because of the Holiday in the middle of the week. So, that’s what I settled for. I’ll be going out to lunch with the fiancé and one of his co-workers, so that should be nice. And then I’ll go straight home. I really have some things I want to write on here. I plan on starting a new item called “The Back Then Files” which just includes different stories of memories I have. A lot that have to do with how I realize people probably see me and why. Kinda hard to explain but I’m sure it will make sense when I start it. I’m almost done with the first story. All my thoughts are just a bunch of helium balloons floating away from me constantly. It’s that whirlwind again. Closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing is the only thing that settles me down. I feel so much hate, anger and bitterness towards….everything. I don’t remember ever being like this in my life before. Not this bad. So many things I get upset about and I don’t want to be that way. My eating habits this week have been atrocious. White chocolate mocha’s and cake pops. Fast food. Ugh. I did well yesterday, however. I went grocery shopping and really only bought veggies, fruit, and lean meats and Almond milk. All that motivated me to do better. I had a good breakfast today. One egg omelet with spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes and goat cheese, a piece of whole wheat toast and a side of fresh blueberries, raspberries and strawberries. I just ate some carrot sticks and hummus for a snack. I’ve already picked out what I’ll eat when I go out to lunch today by looking at the menu online. I just feel out of sorts! Do you know what I mean? Like I’m out of control or something. I almost feel like I need just a day to myself. I think that’s why I ask to leave early so often. I just have to….get away…. In other news, we’ve picked a nice shelter to have our “pre-wedding celebration” It has a big fire pit in the middle so we’ll have s’mores and hot dogs. And the fiancé wanted to have root beer floats too. I’m actually excited now. I was before but it’s been stressful trying to get it planned. Everyone tells you to do what you want to do cause it’s your day and then tell me when they think I should do something different :/ I’ve never planned anything like this. I’m a big failure when it comes to planning things. (That will actually fit into one of the “Back Then Files” eventually.) But I think I’m doing okay so far….but wow, an anxiety attack might be on the horizon… What I’m REALLY looking forward to is Hawaii. And the wedding. And being his wife :) Being a wife!! For so long I had to hide the fact that that’s what I wanted! Just to keep people in my life. People who were never worth it. And then THIS guy comes along and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a person. What do I want in a person, a companion, you might ask? To be number one above anything else. That’s what it’s always been and where the problems have always been. I would convince myself “I want too much. I'm selfish.” How is that too much? How is that selfish? It isn’t selfish when that’s what I’M willing to give. What I’ve always given and never gotten in return. Until now. I’m his world and I know I am. NOTHING is more important to him than I am. Not music, Not cars and not a shotty writing career. Just me :) "There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you'll find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair." -Mumford and Sons 'After the Storm' Okay, fine…back to work… Much love and happiness, Elaine BradleyElaine BradleyElaine Bradley |
| I have lost 20 pounds since March. I mainly count my calories and I would exercise 3 to 5 days a week too. But I’ve kinda slacked in the last week or so. My weight was dropping off like 1 to 2 pounds a week and now it’s kind of plateaued. I have gotten comfortable consuming 1,200 calories a day but I realize that I’ve gotten to the point that just counting calories isn’t going to do it anymore. So, I’ve decided to start really WATCHING what I eat. I really need to add more fruits and vegetables and less fat and carbs. I’ve had a rough weekend, especially with some crazy hormones. I’m less than proud of how I ate! I even had McDonald’s for breakfast…and not anything they consider “healthy”. So, I’m trying to make up for it today by eating healthy the rest of the day and week. I’ve gotten a lot better about know what to eat and how much. I also need to get back to exercising again. I’m going to try and jog when I get home. I actually really like jogging when I’m doing it. It’s the motivation to get going that’s the problem. I’ve got an app on my phone called FitnessPal. When you sign up, it asks how much you weigh and how much you want to lose and then tells you how many calories to consume. Then you just start logging everything you eat and it keeps track and lets you know how much you have left. And you can log your exercise and how many calories you burned doing so if you happen to go over your calorie limit you can just exercise and earn back more calories to use. It also keeps track of how much fat, sodium, potassium, carbs, cholesterol and vitamins you’ve consumed. It tells you your limit and how much you’ve actually consumed. That’s where I mess up so seeing what I usually go over in tells me what I need to cut back on. Today for lunch I had: Naked Red Machine Smoothie, 2 servings 320 calories Carrots and Hommus My snack will be a small apple. My dinner will be 4 oz. chicken breast sautéed with garlic and basil Fresh garden peas and carrots. I think it would be nice to keep track in here when I feel like I’m doing well. Something about healthy food makes me WANT to be healthy. I also just want to take the time to cook. I'm so lazy! Not wanting to cook CAN NOT be an excuse anymore. Not having the time is not the truth, not wanting to take time away from watching tv or playing video games IS the truth. We all know how to be healthy. What is it that makes want to stop? That fast food or that candy bar in the check-out isle at the grocery store. I think the trick is small changes. We try and stop everything at once and the one second we give in to temptation or cravings, we convince ourselves it’s impossible. I’m doing well, I think. I haven’t quit everything all at once. I have years of learned bad eating habits. I have to accept that changing isn’t over night. I have to continue to be proud of myself and believe that I have the strength within me to do it. Much love and happiness. Elaine Bradley |
| I started another subscription of the Shambhala Sun magazine and the first issue came a few days ago. The feeling of seeing was the same as it's always been. So calming! Reading and studying things about Buddhism is like a salve to me. It heals me. I know, as far as what Buddhism is about, that makes no sense. But I appreciate it all the same. I may not have been Buddhist my whole life but I do know that Buddhism has always been for me. It makes sense when I read about it and how to apply it to that feeling of life swirling around me and my fear of not being able to get it to stop. It's all about keeping myself centered. That's what I say to myself: I need to get centered. And I know exactly what that means. It's when you are trying to shut off your thoughts. When they consume you and take things too far and careen down paths they aren't meant to be on...you CENTER yourself and it helps to think of nothing. Focus on your breathing, on what your toes feel like. Your legs, your hips...being aware that there is a liver working in there for you. Lungs assisting you to breathe those breaths, a heart pumping glorious, life-giving blood. All these organs you've had your whole life, through every memory, they've been there. Working to keep you here reading at this very moment. Once that happens, things that seemed important are now put in a different perspective. For me today that happened when I realized...I don't need friends anymore. I don't mean friends period. I just mean the ones that have made me feel bad about myself. The ones that I've kept bitterness alive for. There is no need to be bitter anymore. No need to hold on just to be let down by their lack of presence in my life and over presence in their other friend's lives. Today, I realize it doesn't matter anymore. What I am ready to focus on is SAM (-my fiancé..not his real name) and the family we're going to have. That's where my focus will need to be. And I'm not going to bring children into my life if it's an unhappy one. They are going to get 100% of me and not just what's left of how much hate and bitterness I feel towards certain people. I just need to get centered first. And I have been forgetting my song lyrics to add to the end of my entries!! "Just keep following the heart lines on your hand. And keep it up, I know you can." ~Flo + Machina (Florence and the Machine) Elaine Bradley |
| It’s lame when you feel like you have to make effort to NOT be nice… I do get tired of being friendly. Where does that even get me? Yes, I feel good when I’m nice and friendly and that should be all that matters. And for the most part, really it does matter. When you’re out shopping and you hold the door open for someone and they seem surprised or if you smile at someone or yield to them with your grocery cart but they don’t smile back or show any form of appreciation. What does that matter? It doesn’t. I know I’m a nice person so I can walk away from them knowing I’m nice and that I’ll never see them again anyway. But at work it’s different. If you’re nice in a company, you get walked on. I feel like I get targeted to be made a joke of. EVERY where I have ever worked has been like this. Oh, it’s just SO hilarious that I’m clumsy and forgetful. Let’s make a huge joke out of it, I don’t have feelings so what does it matter? And every time this happens, I think; “In my next job, I’ll be a hard ass and no one will make fun of me. I’ll start over.” But…I never do. I smile and I try to make conversation back. But there’s always at least one or two people who make me wish I was as much of an asshole as they are. Put on a hard exterior and never get hurt. It’s unfortunate that that’s how things go. Today our maintenance guy offended me. I’m embarrassed to write about it but I want to anyway. Ever since my group moved from downstairs to upstairs we’ve had to put in work orders for them to come up and fix things or put things together. I ordered 2 rolling carts so that me and the folk downstairs didn’t have to share anymore and so we had rolling carts for up here (and really because my desk space is laughable for the type of work I have to do) Unfortunately, they didn’t arrive at the same time. Actually, we put in FOUR separate work orders for FOUR separate carts. 2 of those were requested by me. So four separate occasions, maintenance had to come up to put them together. Then it was suggested I put in an order for a table next to my desk. So, I did. And I really do feel bad that we have put in so many work orders. I shouldn’t say “we” there are two people responsible for the many things we’ve requested. Light fixtures, sharp things on the desk, marker boards and cork boards to be hung up, pictures to be hung up, air conditioning to be adjusted…..and I feel bad that they’ve been asked so many times to do so many things…. And this maintenance gets called in to put up….a picture….and I feel bad. And he makes a joke to the two women mostly responsible for why he’s here all the time; He says in a sarcastic tone: “Maybe I’ll come put together another rolling cart.” They all laugh. “I can say that, she’s got her headphones in.” Oh, I realize. He’s talking about me. I call him out on it and he puts his hands up and brushes it off as a joke. If it was a joke I was A PART of and not the BUTT of, then why mention that you’re aware I have my headphones on and can’t hear you? Me? REAAAALLY? You’re putting up an ugly picture of a flower for someone and I’m the actual nuisance… It would be different if they were paying you to do this and you weren’t forced to do it against your will….oh?...what’s that now? You ARE paid to do EXACTLY that? Pardon me, you freaking douche bag. See if I give a crap about how much you have to work. Now I can’t wait to put in multiple work orders. And I hope you know they’re all from me. You want to think I’m a nuisance, fine I’ll be one. That goes for all of you. We aren’t friendly around here and have no sense of humor? Great, I’ll stop laughing at your lame attempt at what you think are jokes and smiling just to be polite. Maybe then I won’t be so exhausted when I get home because of how fake I am at work. Elaine Bradley |
| I love stand up comedians. Because yeah, they're funny but they always have very strong view points that I almost always agree with. One of my favorite comedians, Dana Gould, for instance talks about being homeless and being a bum. I just wanted to share.... “I thought it took time…to become a bum. I didn’t know you could rocket right into it. I thought you had to attain grace before you fell from it. You can’t retire until you work. And they all have an ethic, they all have a hero…Trent Reznor T-Shirts, Nine Inch Nails, Rage Against the Machine….but have you noticed that none of your heroes are here? Trent Reznor’s not hanging out on the sidewalk in front of the convenience store? Maybe…he’s at work. He’s a professional musician. He gets paid money to sing F—the system to YOU. He takes that money and spends it on other businesses creating an economy. This basic exchange of goods and services is the backbone of every system you claim to not be a part of, so I can’t give you MY money. I can’t infect you with my dirty, capitalist money. I can’t be the corporate snake who takes you out of your Eden Paradise of sidewalk living. Homeless people have no choice. YOU have a choice. You’re not homeless. You’re ALWAYS home.” Maybe this helps me understand the conflict I feel when I see a person on the sidewalk asking for money. We have a few very "hippy" looking pan handlers who sit on a corner doing this near where we live. They can't be older than us and we've even seen them on a cell phone while doing it. Interesting. Like he says, you have to attain grace before you can fall from it and how can you expect to panhandle someone else's money when you are so very against money in the first place. I consider myself a compassionate person but I also consider myself a very fair person. I'm more understanding to someone who lost everything than someone who says "F the system, got any change?" Elaine Bradley |
| Today I read an email where someone referred to me as their helper. HELPER! "What do you do where you work?" "I'm a helper!" Effing Geezus.... I'll make it to the top one of these days.... Elaine Bradley |
| I am in such a funk lately. I feel useless to myself! I miss getting up early for work and having coffee and watching the news before getting ready to leave. And, you know, actually feeling awake before I walk out the door. Now I go to sleep so late that it’s hard to get up in the morning. Oh, and I just hate walking in here. I can’t even describe the feeling. It would be different if I felt useful but the conditions under which I found that I was most likely hired make me feel stupid. Like I was hired by my supervisor just so she could have more people working under her so SHE could get a better title. I’m a good worker…I’m a GREAT worker. She’s told me this and now I don’t know how much credit to give her. This place is bonkers, truly. I’ve never actually been trained on anything…so can you imagine being told to do things that you’ve never been trained on and just hoping something doesn’t get screwed up? It’s like I’m set up to fail! You can imagine what my nerves are like all day long. But then again, it’s quiet. I get to do my own thing and hang out at my desk by myself all day and work at my own pace. That part is great. I listen to plethora’s of cheesy 80’s love ballads all day long. This beats working in a nursing home or a hospital. Answering call lights and working understaffed and being stressed as stressed can get. Seriously, no job I’ve had since the nursing home has been that stressful. Ha, I actually remember telling one of the nurses there that I wanted a better job and she said “No matter where you work, it’s going to be stressful.” I just wish I could tell her how wrong she was. Stress, oh sure, sure…but it’s WAY easier to deal with after something like that. I remember that moment I was trying to get an elderly man to eat his pureed food and looking around and having that moment where I think “This is not my life.” I knew I wasn’t destined to be there like some of the other older, extremely tired looking and beat down women I worked with. And for not more than $9.00 an hour…when I was living by myself…how did I survive that?? Who cares, I think. I survived and I’m proud of myself because of it. I did it, for the most part, on my own. And now look where I am :) But I have been lonely as far as friendships go. I can’t say I have a best friend other than Ben. Which I’m happy for. I’m really close to my sisters and my parents but they’re not what I would call best friends. I don’t even think it’s that I don’t have a best friend, I think it’s the fact that I’ve had what I thought were really good relationships and then been proven wrong. My friend Mo…I don’t know what happened there. That’s a sad one. We have such different views on religion and equal rights that I think it got in the way. I really, really miss our friendship. We were so close. We loved the same things and joked about the same things. And now she’s just SO religious. Don’t get me wrong, I normally don’t have a problem with religious people. I grew up that way, after all. Ben’s family is like that. But it’s like she let it help her judge me. Like I’m a bad person to be a friend with or something. That may be crazy but it’s how I feel. She hasn’t congratulated me on my engagement or talked to me about it at all. AT. ALL. What the eff, you know? That just suggests to me….wo, not best friends anymore. Let it go. Should be easy enough, right? Sure. Anyway, I’m happy to have my blog back. One of the three SISTER BLOGS! I’m happy to be on here and look forward to the first day I have to myself and sit and read blogs all day long. At work, it’s a little more tricky ;) Much love and happiness! Elaine BradleyElaine Bradley |
| Wow, it's been a while. And now that I can afford it I'm paying for my account so I can blog. The craving to do so is hard...like an extreme thirst. I don't know where else to put my thoughts.... So much has changed!! That person I wrote about before...I'll never mention his name again....left me to pursue his writing career in Portland. I will not spend anymore energy on speaking or thinking of him ever again. The good news is that I've met someone wonderful and we're engaged to be married in Hawaii in October of this year. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it is to be with him. We're the perfect fit, we love living together, we enjoy the same exact things. I didn't realize that relationships didn't have to have some craziness to them. There is no craziness, no imperfections, red flags, arguments, jealousy, lack of loyalty or trust. Not to mention he's not a pot head who needs to toke up and drink beer to feel like a normal human being :/ Heh. We're looking forward to a long life together. I moved about an hour away from my family to live with him. We both work for the same company and I make more money than I ever have before so we live comfortably. No more worrying about when, or IF for that matter, our bills are going to be paid. I'm able to put back enough money each week to pay for our wedding/honeymoon myself. He just takes care of the rest of the bills. There is no struggle anymore. The only problem I really have is that I hate where I work. Aside from the fact that there will be a company trip to Switzerland in September, there isn't anything I enjoy about this job. No one seems to know what they're doing. Though, I think people are in the process of getting that fixed. The biggest problem is that even though there is chaos, some fake being calm to make it appear that they know what they're doing. Like a duck on water. Calm up top, crazy paddling below. Not to mention just how LAME everyone is! My last job I worked with the coolest people. I worked with 3 ME'S! I LOVED what I did and who I worked with. Nothing can ever compare to that and I was so devastated when I had to leave. I do not connect with anyone here. At. All. I try to be friendly but it's so fake that it makes my cheeks hurt and I constantly have to fight with my eyeballs to keep them from rolling. Like for instance, I was talking to one of our summer interns. Just literally making conversation...here's how that went: Me: "Oh, you got a haircut. That must be nice for the summer time." Him: "I really don't wanna talk about it." *sigh* really? WTF? He saw that I was a bit taken aback and said: "It's just a long story." Me (with really only a half a cup of coffee and a hateful outlook on the world already) in a somewhat cranky tone: "Really? I thought it was just a hair cut." It's awful feeling this disconnected from people. I mean, I'm a bit of a loner anyway but work really does rock when you work with cool people who are just like you. I think about 90% of my journal entries are going to be about how I feel about working here. For now, this one is a "catch-up" entry. So on to other things: One of my other sisters, Bee I'll call her, got married last year and had a baby boy. I love that little guy. He's 6 months old and awesome. So now I have a niece, my little bear, and my nephy-poo. I also have a bad case of the babyfever :) Which is nice cause my man is excited to have a family too. Which makes having baby fever so much easier when the other person wants the same thing! We're so eager, in fact, that we plan on starting a family as early as later this year. And even though it's a secret to the rest of the family, my sister, Ray I'll call her, told me that her and her husband are trying for another baby. How cool would it be to have one at the same time? Okay, this was probably pretty boring. I'm sure it will get more interesting. I'm so happy to be doing this again. Until next time....or much love and happiness, Elaine Bradley |
| This is a song by Mindy Smith, who is a wonderful artist. She has a lot of christian themes in her music (Come to Jesus is an ammmmaaaazing song) and a beautiful, cute, wonderful voice. She plays guitar and sings these songs of love, life, faith, loss and being different. This is my theme song. I love singing it in my car but I always end up in tears crying. Raggedy Ann These hand me downs I am wearing Are worn at the knees, color faded. All the little children are laughing. I'm trying to find a reason to keep from cryin'. I'm just a little girl, I'm Raggedy Ann Making Believe I'm happy, hey...Raggedy Ann Falling apart at the seams. The tears that I covered with patches Red yellow paterns, nothing I own matches, Where I have them sewn with black stiches remain exposed to be soiled and tattered. I'm just a little girl I'm Raggedy Ann Making believe I'm happy, hey...Raggedy Ann Falling apart at the seams... So when did I get so broken? I wouldn't notice... Everything just breaks away from me. When did I get so broken? I wouldn't notice... Everything important leaving me. Falling apart at the seams. All the busy people keep walking away like they can't see me or anything. Everyday it gets a little harder to believe in magic and people. I'm just a little girl I'm Raggedy Ann Making believe I'm happy...Raggedy Ann. Falling apart at the seams |
| Well, Boo didn't get the job. We were both terribly bummed, especially from all the anticipation over the three days we were made to wait. I guess the lady interviewing him is just a naturally, bubbly kinda person. As well as the interview went, I'm surprised he didn't get it. She really made him think he would. I'm so bummed. Not as much as he is though. But we gotta move on. The job search continues. He's already gotten a poem and is working on a short story about the experience.  We're working hard to stay positive.After we got the phone call, we thought a trip to Bloomington would do us some good. We drove in and he put his application in at a Bloomingfoods, and organic food store/cafe, for a dishwasher position. I don't know what it is about those places that make me so happy. I love the way they smell. All the good, healthy, raw food. Raw as in no chemicals and all that shit. That's how we all should eat. The problem is how expensive they are. I would love to do ALL my grocery shopping there just because I like how that idea makes me feel but I could never afford it. Even as I sat across from Boo while he filled his application out, I wondered if there would ever be a time when I could afford to shop there. Maybe with a combined income but even then what money we had would have to go to other things. We're having a hard enough time the way it is. It's times like these I wished my parents were rich and could just hand me money with no problem whenever I needed it. Or else if I were born into this life to be a major celebrity making 3 mil a movie and having three plus houses all over the world. Who says you have to work hard to get what you want? hahahahaha. Some people don't get it....At least I could say in the future that what I have, I actually earned. Running off topic here....I sat across from Boo and watched all the people lining up to pay for the groceries. Not many people were there and often I would catch the cashiers standing idle at the cash registers picking at their fingernails, the bag man waiting by the door watching eagerly for customers. I wondered briefly it the lack of shoppers had to do with lack of money. One guy came up with three bags of potato chips and a bag of hamburger buns. The cost? 24 some dollars and change. I was really surprised. All the groceries I could get for 24 bucks and he got potato chips and bread. I wanted to tell him that Wal-mart was having a special on buns and bread, 75 cents a loaf. I smiled to myself a little. We headed to Soma after that. Unfortunately, they were closing at five that day. That gave us a good 20 minutes. We got some coffee anyway. To go. I selected a Kenya AA blend, I normally don't care for the Kenyan coffee but this one said it had hints of berries and chocolate and chocolate was turning out to sound really good. Boo got a black beard blend. I put one to many sweetners in mine and Boo said his tasted like it had been sitting too long and was too hot. I forgot to tell him that as soon as we walked away after filling his coffee up the barista exchanged the pump he had just gotten his coffee from for a newer one. Must have been sitting there a while. I don't know why she even bothered, they were closing anyway. We headed to the back room where you could smell the food from the Laughing Planet the best and could see through to the next room to a cd store...ah, I love Bloomington...and sat in two severely damaged orange leather chairs and read and sipped overly hot coffee until we were kicked out. We came home and read, and surfed the internet...I made us some fettuccine Alfredo with canned tomatoes and broccoli and chicken and we ate while watching an episode of Kitchen Nightmares off the internet. Then we played yahtzee. We are yahtzee playing fools. I'm reading a book called "Banana Rose" by Natalie Goldberg. I absolutely love it. I don't even know how to describe it so I'm not going to but I plan on reading it most of the day. Then it's back to work tomorrow. Boo has a job doing some kind of drywall business. He's getting paid 75 bucks for it. Much love and happiness friends, Elaine Bradley |
| I sat up out of bed last night because that last entry had just suddenly come to me. I just got on here to write a little bit more. Boo is supposed to find out tomorrow if he got that job. We are really hoping so. It's at an art studio and he would be like the shipping director-type-deal. lol, something like that. Anyway, Thursday after he got out of the interview he said it went really, really well. She seemed to like him a lot (the lady who creates the art-work and sells it) He seemed really positive about it but had to wait until Monday when she would call him. I think he will get it. I hope so. After the interview we went to the Bloomington library and checked out some books. He got a few Charles Bukowski and an Anton Chekhov. I got a book called "Against the Stream" which is about practicing Buddhism (really about practicing being a good hearted person which is mostly what Buddhism is, and being a rebel against all that causes suffering) and a book called "Banana Rose" by Natalie Goldberg. I have read a few articles by her in my Shambala Sun magazines so I really wanted to read this book. It's about a woman with living in a hippie-type communes in the desert. It's pretty damn interesting so far, I really like it. After we went to the library we stopped at the coffee shop, Soma. That was some damn good coffee. It reminded me a lot of Encore but not nearly as good. It was quiet but lacked a lot of the sorority/frat type people you would get in a regular Starbucks. The coffee and atmosphere in Soma was better than any Starbucks anyway. Plus, it just had all the more unique people of Bloomington. And the smell of organic food from the upstairs restaurant, the Laughing Planet, filled the place too. I think the good coffee mixed with the smell of organic food is what reminded me of Encore. Nothing will ever be the same to me though. I'm still depressed they turned it into an organic store. Which is fine, organic food stores are great but I wish they would have kept my cafe....my escape. Everything else is working itself out. Bills. Money. All that bullshit I could do without. I think things are looking up. I'd like to be living in Bloomington this time next year, I don't know. We'll see how things go. And then there is my Little Bear. She is getting so big and will be ONE YEAR OLD next month. I am in love with her  she walks around everywhere, and sings all the time. And my sister, Morgann is teaching her sign language, which to me, is unbelievable. She can sign "more" "bite" "drink" and "beads" that one cracks me up. I'm seriously amazed. My dad is her favorite person in the world. She will walk to him while he is sitting on the floor watching t.v and he will pick her up and she will start crying until he gets up and walks around with her! She is spoiled to pieces!!! I told my dad "she has you wrapped around her finger!" and he said "yeah, she does." I said you don't mind a bit do you?" "nope. Not at all" he said. hahahahaha.She is spoiled but she is the bright spot in my life. I feel fall is not far away. I can sense it as always and it always makes me very energetic. Anyway, I think I'm gonna get out of my jammies and start my day. Elaine Bradley |
| The crickets outside were louder than the box fan I kept on at night. I could only fall asleep if it's loud, white noise was going. I was laying in bed on my back and breathed in deeply. I had to do this often. It were as though my lungs were very small. I felt as though I was always panting. Whether that was because of the constant anxiety I always felt or the allergens that came along with summer, I don't know. Maybe it was both. Horrible. Sometimes when I took a deep breath, it felt cleansing, satisfying. Other times it felt like my lungs shriveled up, completely denying me the deep breath I so desperately needed. And I would yawn. And yawn, and yawn. I would yawn until there were tears in my eyes. And then I would feel the hopeless feeling that usually brought on real tears...I would feel like I was about to cry. It was like looking down on a damn that was about to burst. You can tell it's about to fall apart but there is this instant when you know within the split second it's about to burst and it does. Not being able to catch my breath makes me feel like I'm going to completely break into crying hysterics and that's when I know it. I realize it; I'm about to have a fucking panic attack. Luckily, at that moment of realization, I can mentally start attempting to turn things around, calm myself down. That is, if not all hope is lost. I can usually sense a panic attack is going to happen days before it actually happens. That's good. I can be prepared. I can maybe have a chance of preventing it. Which is good because I dislike having panic attacks...very much so. And that alone is enough to send me head first and full speed into one. To the outside world, I hide the symptoms. Hm. Partly because I am ashamed but mostly because if I hide them, then I can pretend they don't exist. I crossed my hands over my stomach and pretended I was dead. Then I relaxed a little before realizing that I'd probably be more stiff. I laughed a little to myself. I don't know why I do this. For a long time, I have occasionally done this. What would it be like to lie in a coffin with loved ones parading by? I guess the best way I can describe it is that sometimes if people have an intense fear of something, they tend to make an obsession out of it. I then wondered if I knew if a body in a casket was even stiff...? I worked in a hospital and had to prepare dead bodies all the time. But at the point I did so the people had just died and didn't really even look any different. They were almost always still warm, just had a slight lack of natural color, were slack-jawed and not breathing. I wondered if I had touched a body in a casket before and then I had a flash back of my papaw's funeral. I couldn't remember if I had touched him and if I didn't, I wished I had. I wished I held his hand for a moment and said goodbye out loud, but I couldn't. As the family lined up for final goodbyes before heading to the cemetery, I remember being very quiet. I couldn't speak. No one could. I think Papaw was the glue that held the family together. I think he took a lot of pride in that. I think he would have been disappointed if we all left separately from the funeral that day, like I feel we did. I couldn't speak. No one could. I couldn't believe we were going to put him in the cold, hard November ground. It didn't seem right. He would be cold, I thought. All alone and I would never again kiss him atop his soft, little head.... As my cousin, Trina, walked by his casket for the final time, she went beyond what I stupidly could not dare to do and leaned down and kissed him on the head once and for all. She came and stood with the family in tears, her face red. And then I cried. I really let loose. I sobbed loud and hard and held my hand to my mouth. I didn't care that everyone else could somewhat contain themselves. At this point, my mom wasn't even crying. In fact, this was the first time in days I hadn't seen her crying. She had to hug me and ask me if I was ok when she was the one burying her father. Strange... Maybe people thought I was over re-acting a bit. That I was putting on a show. I didn't care. I was completely overwhelmed with saddness. Maybe I am a bit dramatic, a bit defensive. I don't handle my emotions well, I don't handle stress. But I'm passionate, you can't deny that. Are all of those things something I should work to improve and sacrifice my passion? My drive? I fear I would be a dull person if I did. Maybe I do feel too much. But I'd rather feel too much then to just not feel at all..... Much love and happiness, Elaine Bradley |
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