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These are my daily "affirmations" |
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Hello and welcome to my blog. You will get the unabashed me because I need to vent about my life to stay sane. I'm sarcastic, self-depricating, and worthless. But I have my moments. Enjoy. |
| Here is my entry from a Scholtzky's restaurant. Because I'm irresponsible with my money, I don't have internet, nor a computer at home; so I find every avenue possible to enter other than work. It's the holiday season, and I'm not feeling very festive. It's not a sad or depressing thing; maybe I've just outgrown all of the hoopla until I've children of my own. I think that I might have a serious problem which needs rectifying immediately: I think that I might be interested in Buddhism. Ok. I've said it. It's out. I'm going to HELL. No, I've been researching about the Buddha's philosophies and stuff and it's really right on track with how I feel about things. For a long time now, I"ve been out of the whole christian thing. What sealed christianity's fate for me is when I happened upon the EWN channel? You know what channel I'm talking about--the christian one. It had the old child star-Kirk Cameron on it advertising some little christian hook cards. I.E. Ways to draw in the damned. It was one of the scariest things I think I have ever seen. They were telling people that even if they were good, and taught others to do good things, if they didn't believe in the savior Jesus Christ almighty, their souls were on a b-line to hell. I have to fucking say it. If God is perfect, why would he damn good people? Is God really that fucking vain that he would have us worship him, and sin knowing that they can ask forgiveness later and be saved--rather than have someone who is intrinsically good and is just plain sorry for what they did, but not be sure about all that Bible mumbo-jumbo and rot in hell for eternity? Well, sorry to all of you crazy christians--that's not my god. My god would not care if I called him Buddha, Allah or what the fuck ever. We're probably way too unsophisticated to know his name anyway. My god cares that you do good things because it makes you feel good; not because there is some reward for doing it or punishment for not. There it is. On to other things--a few days ago was my third wedding anniversary. As usual, I was getting ready for the annual disappointment, but the breath was knocked out of me. My husband surpassed what my normal expectations might have been. So, he only gave me a $30 allowance to buy his present--at Wal-mart. He's been going on and on about having a big coffee thermos because he's become the coffee nut again and that's what I got him. (But I dressed it up in a very pretty package ;P) Anyway, he took me to Cenare's, which is this small, cozy italian restaurant which is locally owned. The food was exquisite, as was the atmosphere. He opened his present and was happy. (At this point, I figured that his present probably would not compare to mine--being the thoughtful person I am and the thoughtless man he was.) So, when we were done he said, that we had to go get my present. (?) He had me close my eyes; when we stopped and I opened them, we were in front of the LaSalle hotel (a nice restored hotel with CHICKEN FOOT TUBS). Before I go on, I must explain the signifigance of what I call the chicken-foot tub. (claw footed is what most people call them) The other day Stew and I were driving around and I saw the LaSalle. I told him I'd love to stay there for our anniversary and we went in to check it out. Well, come to find out, it had the cf tubs, which are like a gift from heaven for me. You see, I'm very picky about where I have baths at. (I only shower) I haven't taken a bath in a nice bathtub for years. Anyway, I knew that we didn't have enough money to stay there, but I was hoping that maybe next year we could work it out-or something. So, I'm at the LaSalle. He's already booked it and put some of our clothes in there. He takes me in and shows me around-when I see the cf tub-make that /hot tub, my anniversary is made. My whole freaking month is made. Then, he gives me a deep, thoughtful card. (sweet, too) It has a distinct hint at another gift and that's when he told me to hold on for one second. He brought in this gift. Which was exquisitely wrapped in white paper and black ribbon (the kind that you have to use the scissors on to curl up) and guess what? He wrapped it himself. The ribbon and all! Anyway, I see it and I'm thinking-no he did not. I'm getting excited. I start opening it and I see that all-too famous emblem. The white splotch of Montblanc. He bought me a Montblanc pen. Not just a Montblanc, but the one that I tested out the other day. The big thing about the pen is that he takes me seriously as a writer. He takes me more seriously than I, myself. That was the best gift-he really went to great lengths to think about me and what would make me happy. I can honestly say that it was one of the BEST days of my life. I never wanted it to end and I'm getting kind of choked up thinking about it now. How did I ever get so lucky? Anyway, of course I felt bad about the ridiculous thermos I got him (which he so graciously appreciated!). We decided that each anniversary we would take turns trying to outdo the last. I have to start planning now if I have any chance of competing with this years. Happy Holidays all! |
| Ok, so in less than an hour I have an interview for a job I really really want. I know what is to be expected- I work for the city and this job is also with the city. They have the same behavioral questions always. here are a few. 1) why did you apply? 2) What are your strengths/weaknesses? 3) Tell us about a situation when you failed/was proud and how you handled it. 4) Why should we hire you? I get so freaking nervous that I get sweaty and have trouble catching my breath. We can't forget the shakes! But, anyway, I am medicated so i will be fine. (That's what I keep telling myself. I think I will practice my scripted answers before I go though. 1) I applied for this job because throughout the time I'm been with the city I have been expose to code enforcement and been able to gain a base knowledge of what it entails. And from what I've learned, I think that the job would fit me. I'm interested in going out and finding code violations and following through with getting them taken care of-whether that be sending defendents letters or appearing in court after I've written a ticket, verifying that the defendent has done nothing to comply. Like I said, I think it's a good fit for me and I think that I have the skills to do the job well. 2) why leave current job? The primary problem that I've found I have with intake which makes me look for better opportunities is that when I first started or when I first applied for the job I considered the rotating shifts and what effect it would have on me. My original thoughts were that I don't have children, I'm young, and I would have no problem changing shifts every month. If I don't like one, I could just wait and it would change. But what I've realized over some time was that while I can do the rotation, I've never been sicker in my life than I have been in this past year. It tears down your immune system. Also, I have decided that I'd like to finish my degree soon, working at intake would not really allow for that. Not to mention, I've started to really miss my husband on the odd shifts. 3) strengths: My biggest strength would be my adaptability. I feel like I can be thrown into a new situation and pick it up very quickly. I've had a pretty varied work history, and I feel like changing from different job styles I've picked up the ability to change and grow in a productive and speedy rate. b. My other main strength would be my ability to relate to customers (for lack of a better word). I'm at a point now that if a customer approaches the window and I might be immersed in whatever I'm doing, I just flick the switch on. It seems automatic or second nature. It's been a long time since I've felt uncomfortable with any customer, regardless of their attitude or problem. c. weaknesses: Biggest weakness is that I ask too many questions. The problem with this is that a lot of times when I'm uncertain about a particular rule or procedure, I'll just ask Barbara right quick. (That's what I say to myself to justify it) Even though I think that I can use my discretion, sometimes it might not be the case-maybe I'm unsure of myself, instead of the answer. So, I've been trying to trust myself to make the right decision unless I just don't know the answer and then I'll try to find the solution on my own instead of bothering Barbara. d. I've been told that I speak over some of the customers. When they are trying to understand what I'm saying I don't break it down in such a way that they can understand. I use the legal terms instead of common everyday words-but I've been trying to pay more attention to people's reactions to what I say and if they seem doubtful I put it in plain simple English 4)Describe something that you've done that you're proud of. A few months ago, I had this upset mother call telling me about a guy threatening her daughter. She was scared and angry and definitely not happy with how we would handle the threats. She wanted an officer to automatically go and arrest him. I spent some time on the phone with this woman trying to ease her worries and help her find a way to make her feel her daughter was safe. I offered all of the options I could think of and simply tried to have her get off the phone a little less upset than she was before. And when I did get off of the phone, she wasn't . Shit. The interviewer woman just told me that it was "my time". I'm waiting for my fellow employee to return so I can go. Wish me luck. This has definitely helpd, I know it! |
| I just felt like writing again. I got this awesome compliment. (See #12 1st comment) I should not let things like that make me feel so good. I'm kind of writing my memoirs. I have this leather-bound journal, which smells especially inspiring. I do my best writing when I've been drinking. There is this one level of buzz that I get when I am my most creative and communicative. Anyway, I'm off to drink myself into a stupor. Have a great weekend. |
| Roak actually upgraded me. I am so worthless when it comes to this site, but they really really like me! (jk) Really though, it was a great surprise. I really didn't see it coming. But, enough of that fun stuff. I have been something that I never thought was possible. I've quit smoking (almost 3 wks now), started eating healthy (yes, I know *barf*), and I've been going to the gym everyday. It's weird though. I ate a terrible meal today (holiday luncheon) and I felt SO bad. But it did taste pretty good. I don't know, I guess I kind of feel like a traitor to myself. Since I've been on my happy drugs, I've kind of started to become that person I used to see and despise. The girl who has good habits, doesn't smoke, brushes her teeth twice a day, etc. It's not a big deal, but there is still that little part of me that is now (hopefully?) dead. I mourn the renagade in me. (corny, I know fuck you) Anyway, I'm at work right now; nothing to do. I think I might go out and drink tonight? That's another thing that I've given up on. I started drinking too much and there was just this breaking point where I realized that if I don't put a stop to it and limit it now, who knows where I will be. But, I'm not going to quit altogether. I gave myself rules which I have successfully followed. Oh, I think I need to apologize to all for the last entry. I think that I kind of blacked out and some spirit entered my body and wrote that shit down. It wasn't me. (Of course my husband wasn't cheating. Maybe he kind of liked me to think that) I'm just a ridiculous idiot sometimes. Stewart is really starting to drive me crazy. He has to know everything. I can't ask him to do something because I'm either bitching or trying to make him feel bad, and I'm a terrible person because I share my problems that I have with him. (He never has problems with me. Ever) Maybe we're getting too close to that ol' seven year itch. I just don't get any fucking emotion from him. No touches, no stupid lovey crap. (How did I get so lucky? whatever) You guys don't get it. I used to be THE most loving person when showing emotions. (to a man) But now that I haven't gotten it for SO long, I feel like I'm just showing an infatuation with him. What is the fucking point really if I don't know he feels the same about me? I'm not going to make myself look like an idiot time and time again. Why is it so hard for him? He did it when we were "courting"? What false advertisement. I'm just really pissed and ultimately disappointed about the whole thing. I kind of thought about divorce night before last. It made me really sad. He and I get along really well (for the most part) and I like being with him. Should we do that without the romantic part? I think that we probably could erase that and not miss anything. I feel bad for saying so, though. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. But thinking about him with another woman, especially being all the things I want him to be, is devastating and I think I'd probably kill him . I don't want another person. I just want him to make me feel fucking loved. Buy me a little gift every month or two. Does it require a lot of money? NO. I don't want the same old crap that I get which is just a default. Do I have to give him an ultimatum? Why would I want to do that? Everytime I tell him how I feel, he goes into his little shell and feels sorry for himself. He doesn't try to fix the issue, he just thinks how what I said makes him feel. I really don't think that he can truly empathize with me. (or anyone else?) I don't know if this is what it is to be narcisistic or what. (And I do know that I can be an asshole sometimes and I do try to put myself in his place, so I can say that stuff.) Well, I hope that I get drunk tonight-that way I can drink myself into being loved by him. I'm so desperate. |
| Ok, so I have now been with out fags for like 30 hours! yay for me. I'm wearing the patch so I don't go psycho on anyone. My husband and I have kind of gotten into it (nothing serious except for a little physcial abuse). No no, I know that's nothing to joke about. Really. I've had some cravings for the evil cigarettes but I'm faring well. What's really funny though, is that the patch matched with some of the crazy pills that I'm on make me mega, super hyper. I swear, not that I know what it is, but this must be comparable to doing crack. I feel good, feel smarter (huh?), and I want to run around the building 20 times. Yeah, not quite sure what to do about all that. So, next on my list-eat well. That's going to be difficult since I love-I mean LOVE food. Just thinking about it makes me salivate. But, what the fuck ever-I'd rather be able to wear a bikini than eat a quarter pounder (with cheese). The work out thing is on the docket-I still have one session with my trainer (hollie- blnd, weighs 100 if that!). She's actually really good though, because she's not the in your face, "You can do it" type but she extends support if absolutely necessary-perfect. She's a slacker about work-which I totally respect-so she cancelled a few appointments-that I really didn't want to go to anyway. (like she read my fucking mind) And I haven't gotten in touch with her. So, I guess this weekend I'll have to make a call and set another appt. Hopefully this time I will make it. I have a real problem with making appointments. Ok, so I started seeing this shrink, who was pretty amazing, and on the third appt, I ditched. I didn't call because I just didn't want to talk to her-I guess I was nervous about what she'd say because I care what she thinks about me. So, I called and set up another-missed-another-missed-another-missed! Yeah, like 4 times. How can I go back? It sucks because when I leave her office I feel like I could conquer the world and I definitely need to talk about my parents. What are you going to do? (that's my new saying-it's like a catch all when talking about negative things-saves you from actually having to think of and give advise) |
| Blog blog blog. I wish I had something fruitful to write here, like I did extraordinarily good with my life today! I quit smoking, I worked out, I ate well, paid my bills, etc. But I didn't do well. It's a day like any other and I was worthless. I've realized that it's because I have depression and social anxiety. I'm such a head case. Maybe that has, I don't know-I'm just reaching here-something to do with me wanting to be a psychologist. It's all my mom's fault. She's got Borderline Personality Disorder. When I was young, I learned to constantly be perceptive of her moods because at any moment she could go off. So, as I've grown, I've kept that habit. I'm supremely self-conscious and am ever-aware of other's thoughts-especially in regards to me. I give way too much a fuck about what others think of me. Maybe that's why I don't have friends. Maybe I seem like a pushover because I'm kind. (I care what people think, but I am nice anyway) Or maybe people think I'm weird (even though I don't exhibit my weirdness until a certain point with everyone) Maybe everyone has their friend positions filled already and I just missed the boat. Or maybe people like me are just so rare that I've not happened upon more than one of them yet. (my husband) I did have a friend. She was pretty fucking awesome and we had SO much in common. Of course, I met her 1 month before she was moving away. That really, really sucked. So, I don't talk to her anymore-we just live different lives. I know that I seem pathetic because I don't have anyone I'm close to (except husband), but I don't want to be felt sorry for. I just want the problem fixed. Also, I know that I'm so extremely lucky to have my husband, Stewart. He sustains my existence. But, there's nothing like having a girl friend. Who do I have to go to when Stewart's being the dumbass? Well, that's why I come here. But back to my mother. Until I graduated from high school, I knew that my mom had a screw loose, but I figured it might have something to do with me or I was probably imagining it. So, when I went to a "counselor" about my mom driving me crazy (literally), she told me what disorder she had. I don't think you can imagine such a relief as I had that day. I took home a book about it and read cover to cover in one sitting. Now, I knew it wasn't me; I had a mission to cure her. But that wasn't going to happen. So, now I haven't spoken to my parents nor my entire family for a year. And even though my mom is mentally fucked-her sanity drops in for a visit every once in a while. That's what's so hard about all of this. When she's not being a borderline personality, she's actually a great mom. So, I can't just say that she's all bad, be done with it, and feel like I've taken my life back. The thought that seizes me with such verocity is the fact that my parents might die before I get a chance to speak to them (or for them to have a chance to realize that they've got a problem). But, I'm so angry that they've made me what I am today. People just look down on me or ignore me. Even though I know that my self-confidence sucks-I do know that I am extraordinary and wonderfully complicated that most of these idiots just don't get me. They could never really get me anyway, because they don't give me a chance based on my appearance or social ability or what-the-fuck-ever. In the end I guess it's really their loss. If they don't want to give me a chance like I give people, they're not really my type of person anyway. Fuck 'em. |
| 1. smoked a cigarette? I am a smoker, so yeah. I just bought patches though, and I've quit with them before, so as long as I'm motivated to quite it will work! Besides, I'm ready. And that is the most important thing. 2. smoked a cigar? I started out smoking them. (I thought it was cool. I know. I'm retarded.) Swisher Sweet Blunts baby! 3. made out with a member of the opposite sex? I am/was a make out whore. I high school I had a bunch of boyfriends (oh, was I ever the woman then!) and I made out with them. I also played a lot of truth dare or consequence. (what an awesome game-back in my day kissing was so outrageous and that's as far as we took it) So, yes! 4. crashed a friend's car? No 5. stolen a car? NO 6. been in love? Yeah. Definetly yeah. In love now. 7. been dumped? Oh yeah. Have I got some dumped stories! Too much to fit here, though. 8. shoplifted? I stole a piece of gum when I was five, but my mom caught me and made me return it. 9. been fired? Yeah. Only once. The guy was a crazy asshole loser. I didn't deserve to be fired. 10. been in a fist fight? I've had a fight-high school. This little slut bitch jumped on me and we had it out. I kicked her butt! Unfortunately, I was on top of her, hitting, kicking, spitting (her first) and she kept yelling "Get off of me" so I finally decided it was over and I got up and started walking away. Yes, I turned my back on her, big mistake! She came at me and punched me in the back of the head. This is when the coaches, who had been watching and laughing, finally decided to break us up. Unfortunately since she got the last blow in, everybody said she won the fight. But I dont' care for two reasons- I have this awesome memory of several people yelling, "Kick her ass Jennifer! over and over" and if she tried to attack me I know like 9 different ways to kill her. (I wouldn't, but the knowledge is awesome to have) 11. snuck out of your house? Yeah. But mostly I had guys sneak in. (3 only) I was so bad! 12. had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? I'm the queen of infatuation. I've had this several times. So is love. 13. been arrested? Never. Never. I work at a PD for christ's sake! The most I ever did was get in that fight. 14. made out with a stranger? I made out with a guy only knew for one night. Does that count? Stranger enough. 15. gone on a blind date? No 16. lied to a friend? I'm sure I have. I'd only normally lie to protect them in some way though. 17. had a crush on a teacher? I had a crush on my tennis coach-he was really nice and he was a motherfucking virgin! I know, that doesn't sound right. I think it just sweetened the deal to have the thought of taking someone's innocence in that way who was more of an adult than you. Sure he could've taught me tennis, but my lesson would've been more fun! 18. skipped school? Even though I somehow managed to graduate as valedictorian of my high school, I was maybe there like 1/2 of the time. (good prep for college!) 19. slept with a co-worker? No 20. seen someone die? Thank god no. 21. been on a plane? Yeah, I went to Colorado last summer to be a "wrangler". It's this company that takes tourists on horse rides and they needed college kids to be guides. I loved the plane ride. I had two jack and cokes (little shot bottles, how fucking cute!) and I was so freaking sauced when I landed. We had some turbulence and I was like, "Whee! It's like a roller coaster!" Meanwhile, other passengers had deathgrips on the arms of their seat with a glazed-over panic face. It was so great. (if only my husband had been there to make it better-but it was very good to be on my own and have my independent experience.) So-about this wrangler business- I thought I'd be making more than I was, having more riding time, and more fun. The people who ran the place were jerks (and ex-military) so we were treated like privates. Everyone else there was a baby out of the house, but I am an adult with an adult life and I will not stand to be treated like a child. Also, I missed my husband, so I left after a week. But, if he had been there and they hadn't been such jackasses it would've been the most wonderful time of my life. As it were, it was a neat experience to have had. (I also got to see REAL snow for the first time-I live in Texas 22. thrown up in a bar? No, but on the door of the car, parking lot. 23. taken painkillers? I rarely take aspirin etc., even when I have a headache. But, I had a root canal this one time and they gave me vicatin. Heaven in a bottle. I like saved the pills for "hard times" which didn't last long. I can really see how people get hooked on that stuff. It's scary because it's so good. You're in a euphoric, sleepy, wonderful state. Oh, man. My tooth is hurting. Maybe I need another root canal. 24. love someone or miss someone right now? I love my husband, and I miss my first boyfriend, J. He was killed a few years ago (we weren't together, but talked) He was a very special person to me and it hurts how much I miss him. 25. laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by Yep. Clouds move really fast, have you noticed? 26. made a snow angel? NO :( 27. played dress up? Oh yeah. My mom had these clear heels. (you can almost equate them to stripper shoes now) What young fun! 28. cheated while playing a game? Yep. Mostly to be funny. 29. been lonely? I think I was born lonely. I will probably die that way. It's not always bad or anything, but it's always there. 30. fallen asleep at work/school? Never at work-at school-yeah. (off period) I have had the cross-eyes SO many times though! 31. used a fake id? Never 32. felt an earthquake? Nope. 33. touched a snake? I used to have a ball python. I was so scared of that little thing! One day it got out and it was coiled up on the floor. My cats were keeping a safe distance (obviously we had missed something since it had gotten out) It was actually really cute-it was shaking it's tail like a rattlesnake's. But I couldn't pick it up-I don't know why, but I was scared. I made my husband! That's when I decided it was probably best that the snake finds a better home. 34. ran a red light? Yeah. I do that sometimes. What can I saw? I'm above the law. (yeah, right) 35. been suspended from school Yeah- I got three days off for that fight. Surprisingly, the punch to the head didn't hurt (I'm hard-headed they say) but I think she bit my ear because it hurt for weeks after. Crazy. 36. had detention? Yep. It was a lot easier to get my work done in there. That's how all school should be! 37. been in a car accident Been in 3. None of them were big deals. None of the vehicles I was in were damaged. (only once was it me who was driving and YES it was my fault) 38. hated the way you look? I've hated the way I look since like 9th or 10th grade. (10 years!) I think that I'm a great person, but I just want my outside to match my inside. I would look gorgeous if/when I lose weight though. (I don't look terrible now) You just wait and see! 39. witnessed a crime? Saw people taking drugs-I think that's about it. 40. pole danced? No, but how fun? 41. been lost I'm still trying to find my way, can't you tell? 42. been to the opposite side of the country? Been to Coloroado, entrance to Mississippi, New Mexico, Louisiana 43. felt like dying? When I was a teenager I kind of did from time to time. I was never serious about it-even though I thought of how I COULD do it-it was more making myself feel better that I had the option than actually thinking about taking the option? I don't know. And I've felt really sick before-I wanted to die then. (being sick sucks) 44. cried yourself to sleep? Yeah, a few times. 45. played cops and robbers? Hmm. Not answering! 46. karaoke? NEVER! 47. done something you told yourself you wouldn't - I am so un-freaking-self-disciplined! It scares me. I'm working on it. (I don't listen to myself though) 48. laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? Yeah-that hurt. 49. caught a snowflake on your tongue? Wahoo yeah! 50. kissed in the rain? This is one thing that I have wanted to do since I was a fucking teenager. But, I don't think that I've had the privalege just yet. I'll have to put it on the schedule for me and hubby to do. :P 51. sing in the shower? Before I had a roommate. I'm tone deaf, bless my poor heart. 52. made love in a park? Yeah. That was fun. 53. had a dream that you married someone? Yeah, I recently had a dream that I married someone. It was really freaky. 54. glued your hand to something? Yep. 55. got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? nah. 56. worn the opposite sex's clothes? YEAH! 58. sat on a roof top? Yep 59. didn't take a shower for a week? I've never gone that long before. It's a scary thought! 60. ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? I love scary movies, but I was watching the grudge by myself and I had to turn it off. I've even already seen it! That's rare for me though. 61. played chicken? don't think so 62. been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? I think so--was I pushed or did I jump? 63. been told you look hot by a complete stranger? I have to tell you about this one time (no not at band camp)My cuz and I were at this club, dancing to a jam and I did the drop down bring your but out and up move, know what I'm talking about? And I got a "DAMN!" That was such a conquering moment! 64. broken a bone? Nope. 65. been easily amused? I have been and am succeptible. 66. laugh so hard you cry? OH YEAH. Those are one of the best moments in life. When you're like going to piss your pants and your stomache and face muscles are on fire and you just cant stop laughing that silent cat laugh. Good times. 67. mooned/flashed someone? With bra on, in high school. But, I flash husband all the time, does that count? 68. cheated on a test? Um, I don't know. maybe? 69. forgotten someone's name? I'm terrible, I mean TERRIBLE with names. yes 70. slept naked? Yah, I remember in high school when my bf and I decided to do that (him at his house me at mine). I couldn't even sleep because it's so weird. Now that's how I sleep (+underwear). 71. gone skinny dipping in a pool? Nope. 72. been kicked out of your house? No-more like locked in. 73. blacked out from drinking? No, but I've not been able to remember things. 74. played a prank on someone? YAY! I adore pranks. I got that shocking gum and other gags that I do. 75. played poker? Not as much as I'd like 76. ran out of gas while driving? I'm a procrastinator, what do you think? 77. used ketchup as body paint? What? 78. Made someone cry? Yeah-at my 10/11 bday party (maybe older?) My cousin and her sidekick came to my slumber party and they were being stuck-up snobby bitches, as they have a tendency to do, and I said, "At least I don't have diabetes!" It was one of the most horrible things I have said, ever. I still feel bad. 79. Run away from home? Tried to. My psycho mom blocked my way to my car and with the look she had in her eyes, I wasn't going to take her on. I went to neighbors to try to call b/f to pick me up, but he was out of pocket. I went back home. I kind of wish that I had run away. So-there are some tidbits about me. I just want to thank Shattered Angel for putting it on her blog for me to steal! Until we meat again. lP |
| God, everything I write is crap. I'm not saying this to get any pity or sympathy or any of that shit. Really. I'd rather watch tv most of the time than tackle something hard. (I want to tackle something challenging, but not badly enough to get my fat ass up and do it) What a motherfucker. (Depression I mean) I am a fucking cliche'; but I'll be damned if I let the bitch trick me! It's such a devious, clever thing-depression. It seeps into the very core of your personality. Without realizing it, you become this lazy bastard. By lazy I mean you have no motivation or drive to do the things that you actually want to do! So, thus the depression feeds on the fact that you feel bad because you don't do the things that you want or need to do and guess what? You feel WORSE about yourself. So you do less, then you feel worse and it keeps going on and on--until you are able to catch yourself on something and break the cycle. I haven't quite done that yet, but I think that's how it's done. I know I can fix myself by taking some stupid pills. (which I already have and already know what they do for me) But what they do also is take away some of my cynicism and individuality. They make me less emotionally, on both ends of the spectrum. This sounds retarded (no offense), but the me that I am now wants to be healthy but damn that self-preservation! Medication for depression works. It really does. Don't get me wrong. I'm just a stubborn dumbass. Well, I need candy now. And I need to work. Maybe I'll combine a reward system with candy so I can get some work done. If I get done I'll post back l8rs. ~Jenn |
| I'm sitting here at work looking at a stack of citations that need to be done. I told myself that I wouldn't do anything here until I did some work. I'm so undisciplined with myself. Of course I justify it with the fact that all of my quality thoughts would be wiped out by the mindless work like sorbet cleaning the pallet or whatever. (which is probably true) I was thinking the other day about my writing. I haven't really written a story, like ever. So, maybe I'm not really a writer. I mean, I can put my thoughts down on paper, sure. Who can't? But I think that what I do is more akin to looking for approval of myself. It's so sad and unoriginal, but yeah. At least I can see it. I believe that is the utmost important thing. (they say the first step in solving a problem is realizing/admitting you have one) Don't get me wrong, I do think that I have a lot of potential as a writer, but I need to do it if I want to do it. I just think that maybe it's kind of a cop out to just put myself out there, since I think I already know myself pretty well; it's just regurgitation. So, anyway, I work at a PD. (not a popo, just a civilian paper-pusher, report taker, etc.) It's kind of great because I get to be in the loop, so-to-speak, and get ok pay. But, being in the loop isn't great always. I sometimes hear about the most terrible of things. I have become alarmingly desensitized to a lot of things, but there are some events that are so dramatic that it pierces my tough exterior. I really want to write about one of these events. I can do this and not divulge otherwise undisclosed information, but my main concern is that a person died & I have to be tasteful, tactful, and respectful. (I believe, or more importantly, my husband believes in the spirits,{or whatever}) In other words I have given myself a very daunting task (what else is there?) and am having trouble following through. Hmm. Quite a predicament. Back to the grindstone I guess. Here's a neat quote: Be good and you will be lonesome. *Mark Twain (the awesome-est of quoters) |
110605 1015  Fucking people. I'm really starting to hate people-not all people, but in general. Unfortunately, my job requires that I deal with unsavory people. They are either criminals or people who expect the ridiculous. As much as I despise these people, they are temporary. I "help" them and they are on their merry way. But, the people I work with, save a select few, I loathe. Why do people have to be so vile and stupid? Ignorant, over-self confident assholes. You see, the thing is that I'm a nice person. I know that my blogging past does not necessarily elude to this value, but this is just an outlet for all of my frustrations. The problem with being a decent person is that sometime people mistake kindness for weakness. And these people fucking prey on weakness to make themselves feel better. So, I've had the advise given to me that my "problem" is that I'm too nice. While I see how that connection could be made, really my problem is with people who aren't nice. Should I just grow some balls and be an asshole so that people don't offend me so much? As fucking cynical as I am, I won't do that. I have to protect my integrity. At the risk of sounding snobbish, people should be more like me. I guaran-damn-tee you that if they were, everyone would get along beautifully. I don't know what I'm going to do except follow the slow spiral into insanity. (or start taking my anti-psychotic..oops I mean anti-depressant/anxiety medicine) |
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