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The Trouble With Narcissists

The trouble with narcissists is they can be so charming and clever at first. They pretend to be kind and considerate. They sometimes have a sarcastic sense of humor, so you just think they're joking when they really aren't. It's quite the game to them. To see if they can lure you in, con you into a long game. Mess with your head.

I met a new one right here on this very site recently. I had reviewed one of his stories and we began chatting. It started out friendly. We seemed quite compatible and I thought we would become good friends. He began talking about finding me attractive and intelligent and hoping to meet someday. I made it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship to avoid any hurt feelings or confusion later. He pretty much ignored all that and kept talking about how important relationships are as opposed to casual flings, etc. (Red flag 1)

He made comments about how he had flown to the U.S. from Australia to meet a woman only to realize he wasn't attracted to her and he felt bad about hurting her. Not long after that revelation, he insisted looks don't matter at all and it's my intelligence and honesty and wit that make me most attractive. (Red flag 2)

He sent me a picture after I explained, honestly, that I am unable to become aroused sexually if I don't find a person at least somewhat attractive. I made it clear that they don't have to be a model or even attractive in a traditional sense. Sometimes it's in a smile or a twinkle in the eye that transforms someone from not appealing, to sexy. I need to see someone's eyes to really read them, as well.

When he sent the picture he sent it with the comment, "Because looks are so important to you, here's a picture."

I took it as joking sarcasm but I should have realized that was (Red Flag 3)

So, for a couple of days we were having friendly chats, he mentioned that he hadn't had sex in 4 years and that it wasn't by choice (Red Flag 4)
He had been honest about past drug and alcohol issues and I appreciated the honesty and openness about it, so I don't consider that a red flag. I have a few friends in recovery and I have friends who smoke pot and drink too much. They are still good people who haven't done harm to me in any way, so I don't judge solely on that.

I may have continued to believe that he respected women and would always stand up for women if a man was harassing or abusing them if I hadn't read one of his essays by chance.

In it, he stated that women who have been in a domestic abuse situation need to accept their share of the blame for the situation. They need to learn to forgive and not paint their abuser as a monster as this is unfair to put all the blame solely on him.

I explained to him, nicely, that this was not a good thing to be saying as the first thing therapists and other supporters assure us of when we are trying to leave an abuser is that it's NOT our fault. We did NOT deserve abuse. No one deserves to be abused.

I also informed him that my ex-abusers as well as most abusers in general were always blaming me, blaming their victims.

"Well, if you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have had to hit you." for example.

He said he tried to re-read what he wrote with compassion. But, in the end he still believed that women who didn't leave, even if they couldn't, were basically agreeing to be abused. He accused me of calling him names because of me pointing out that my ex used to blame me for my own abuse. I never told this guy that I thought he was an abuser himself. I was speaking under the assumption that someone he knew was accused and he didn't believe the woman and that's why he was defending such awful behavior.

But, yeah, as soon as he took what I said personally (Red flag 5)

I tried to explain better, but he made it painfully obvious that not only does he lack empathy, but he in fact is an abuser. He became quite insulting, accused me of suddenly changing as I'd always been so nice before. Was I drunk? He could forgive my being so mean if I'd been drinking. Just wow. No, I haven't been drinking. Holy shit, really? I must be drunk because I am not okay with misogyny and victim blaming and shaming? As a domestic abuse survivor and sexual assault survivor. As a woman with cPTSD, how do I not get angry? And how dare he tell me I should forgive my abuser who was never sorry for what he did? How dare he extend forgiveness to me for speaking my mind and reacting emotionally to something that triggered a PTSD reaction for a very good reason?

I tried to reason with him. Big mistake. He just became more insulting and demeaning. He even had the nerve to complain that this was his final try at trying to get to know a woman and build a relationship and he was ready to just give up.

Manipulation anyone?

So yeah. That's the trouble with narcissists.