Porthole

Final Realities 19,24,25,28,29,33,34,35,41,43

For

FORUM

Welcome To My Reality Forum  (E) Prompts to help you blog about real life and more... #1967461 by Sunny

Finishing up:

19. What makes you laugh?

Not what others consider funny. I don't watch Hollywood comedies. I was raised on Lucy, so some of her antics still make me smile. Why? It was her delivery. Robin Williams too ... especially when he wasn't trying to be funny. I suspect the unexpected tickles me the most. I do laugh ... but not on cue.

24. How do you deal with negative comments?

Not well. I am easily bruised. I do try to brush it off but without a support system surrounding me (people die, move away, become ghosts) I get defensive and wounded. A lot of that unfortunate responsegoes back to my childhood and lack of self-confidence. By nice comments cheer me up, especially unexpected ones for strangers.

25. Who or what keeps you calm?

Kevin helped for years. Hearing Gary's voice would be great... but covid... I can't focus properly on anything so writing and depression napping has been my crutch. Not good but it is what it is. I keep track of my temp and blood pressure and have a bp pill to take when it's high. But calm? Not really in my nature.

28. Are you easily frustrated? What is that frustrates you?

Yep. Ever since I was a child and couldn't see well enough to find my glasses. Still can't. I misplace things all the time. But I live alone so I have no one to help me. If it's something important it'seven worse. Stupidity also frustrates me: my own and other's. I resent having to play fact-checker with adults who refuse to check anything. I need to learn to just let go and not make it my problem.

29. Do you find yourself feeling guilty over things that are beyond your control?

I was born guilty. Guilty of what? I'm not so sure. Guilty of not being pure (as in German), not being abled as a child (I was small, weak, glasses at age 6), not fitting in? I'm always guilty. Part of it comes from being HSP, caring, easily overwhelmed. I can't easily brush off the notion that somehow I could've said or done things differently. Then out of fear or shame ... I avoid confronting those things.

33. What do you miss the most?

The 1980s ... (but not going numb in '86... or waking up in the hospital in '88). The 1990s were better. I miss having a circle of friends I can play cards with, having parties in my house and huge events in my garden. I don't miss my insanity... bad enough to have flashbacks. I missbeing apart of people's lives.

34. What do you need the most in life?

To connect. I especially feel estranged these last 8 months. I need movement. No movement these last 8 months; I barely go out. Movement is life. Connection sustains life. I could use perspective. What I don't need is drama (although I know I'm alive when it's present) soto flip that ... I need calm around me so I can deal better with inner turmoils.

35. What makes you feel better?

Finishing something. Like this challenge! I decided to finish it today. I'mnot good at wrapping things up. I have a million ideas I don't follow through with. Any and every accomplishment is a cause for celebration. I was so thrilled to graduate form university for instance. Not knowing what I'm doing leads to anxiety. So when I travel my nerves shatter until I purchase the ticket. And I'm so much calmer once I'm seated on a plane. Anticipation = anxiety for me. Closure is better.

41. Do you have mood swings? What do you think causes them?

I'm very emotional and HSP so I feel everything more intensely. I go deep into depression at times and feel like Eeyore. Cause? I am also low energy soit'shard at times when I'm both. But I'm easily amused and animated. I show how I feel. You'll know it! I suspect coffee doesn't help. I'd worry more if I seem manic. It's as if my motor is running by I'm not in gear. Sunshine... It's bitter cold today but the sun streaming in helps lift my energy and mood.

43. Do you find it easy to talk about your feelings, or do you bottle things up?

Both. There are things I'm afraid to share. Wether from shame or afeeling of guilt. Then again... it's obvious to everyone when I'm upset. I can be read like a book even before I open my mouth. Do I share that I'm upset? Yep. The actual reasons why? Not always. Can I smile, laugh or cry? Yep, especially cry. I was born with a smile so that doesn't count.

Questions I didn't answer on October's list:

26. Do you carry emotional baggage? Yes. How do you deal with this? Not well.
27. Are your emotions unbalanced? Yes. How can you address this? A therapist would help.
38. Do your emotions motivate you? Yes. Is this in a positive or negative way? Both.
39. What causes you to be anxious? Uncertainty.
40. What makes you joyful? Small things