Evolution of Love 2

A letter

In my boyhood this question perplexed me: Aside from this physical body, what replies "am so-and-so" when asked, "Who are you?" This perplexity having once arisen, it became deeper year by year, resulting in my desire to become a monk. Then I made this solemn vow: 'Now that I have determined to be a monk, I cannot search for truth for my own sake. Even after winning the supreme Truth I will defer full Buddhahood until I have saved every sentient being. Furthermore, until this perplexity has been dissolved I will not study Buddhism or learn the rituals and practices of a monk. So long as I live in the human world I will stay nowhere except with great Zen masters, and in the mountains.'

After I entered a monastery my perplexity increased. At the same time, a strong resolve arose from the bottom of my heart and I thought; Shakyamuni Buddha has passed already and Miroku, the future Buddha, has not yet appeared. During this period when authentic Buddhism had declined to the point where it is about to expire, may my desire for Self-realization be strong enough to save all sentient beings in this Buddha-less world. Even should I suffer the pangs of everlasting hell as a result of this sin of attachment [to saving], so long as I can shoulder the sufferings of sentient beings, I will never become discouraged or forsake this eternal vow.

Furthermore, in practicing Zen I will not idle away my time thinking of life and death or waste even a minute in trifling good works. Nor will I blind others to the truth by trying to minister to them so long as my own [spiritual] strength is insufficient to lead them to Self-realization.

These resolutions became part and parcel of my thinking, bothering me to some extent in my zazen. But I could not do otherwise. I constantly prayed to Buddha for strength to carry our these resolutions, which I made the standard of my conduct in both favorable and unfavorable circumstances, under the watchful but friendly eyes of heavenly beings. Thus it has been up to the present. It is really pointless to tell you about these delusive states of mine, but as you make bold to ask I write here of my aspirations as a novice.