Confessions of a Cleaning Lady

The ubiquitous problem of martyrdom

Just as I work with a friend who does just enough to get by, I also work with a friend who does too much. Again, this is a friend I've known for a very long time so I've seen her in all kinds of circumstances. She's always had a tendency to overdo it.

If you need something, not only is she there, but she's there with the Golden Fleece. Here's a good example: I once had a UTI, it was uncomfortable, but nothing to venture out to the clinic for at ten o clock at night. We have a group text between us (all these magnificent women I'm lucky enough to call friends) and I mentioned it. She showed up at my house at 11 at night with three different kinds of meds because she's prone to UTI's and has them on hand.

I tried to tell her when she offered that it wasn't necessary, but there she was anyway. Now did I appreciate it? You bet your ass I did. I don't mean for it to sound like she does something wrong when she commits selfless acts of generosity, but after a while, one begins to see a pattern.

She does these things, then brings them up later on. Not in a "you owe me" kind of way, but more as a social strategy kind of way. She likes to be "in the know" in people's lives, which I can't lie, so do I. She gives examples of these events of extreme giving in social situations to insinuate that you're besties. Completely unnecessary because she's got a ton of close friends, but she does it anyway.

Another pattern I've noticed, is the pattern of "look at all that stuff I do for everyone, I'm so exhausted because I don't sleep because of look at all that stuff I do for everyone..."

There are worse personality traits to have. Take mine, for instance. I've got a treasure trove of unseemly tendencies.

It's just interesting to me how people are motivated. There's a spectrum of differences between my friends (there are 11 of us total), that one only gets to know intimately when lives are shared intimately. Our children have grown up together, they're like cousins, and my friends are like aunties to each other's kids. It's a beautiful thing, it really does take a village.

So this particular friend I'll call Jennifer, because that's not her name and it's another one of those names people use as fake names. And she's a riot.

Life of the party, stirrer of pots, and celebrated martyr. She'll give you the shirt off her back. She'll work her ass of when it's not appropriate or necessary. She'll talk about how exhausted she is from doing all of this clothing donation and ass working. Just like my friend "Beth", I'm not sure "Jennifer" knows that she has this personality trait at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's got no idea.

The point of reflecting on the two profiles: the ubiquitous problems of selfishness and of martyrdom is that they're so common within us all. We each have some of each, but some of us have most of one.

Also, I'm betting most of us are either unaware of these traits within ourselves, or we refuse to confront them. Deep down we each probably know exactly what motivates us, molding our personality traits, but that doesn't mean we want to learn about them.

In a way, I'd love to read someone's candid assessment of me. I like to think I'm thick-skinned enough to handle it and put it in perspective, but until you're faced with it head on, it's hard to tell, you know?

Maybe I'll go trolling through my friends' blogs...

-TPB