Charity Marie Blogs!

Sometimes the Day Just Has to Suck

I debated seriously whether to post about this or not. Part of it was I didn't want people to worry or feel sorry for me. Crazy right? If anyone should be felt sorry for, I probably fall into that pool of candidates. But don't feel sorry for me. We'll get through because we always do. I won't have it any other way. It's probably the only thing I have left to cling to - that stubborn refusal to quit, give up, or admit defeat.

I woke up this morning to our cell phones being shut off. Not a great start to the day. I had hoped I'd have a few more days. Yesterday it was the power, which I was able to restore. Four days before that it was the internet, which I did not restore, choosing instead the cell phone hotspot. I'm so far behind on car payments and car insurance thinking about it makes me sick. I'm at risk of repossession of one of them. We've been on the brink of homelessness since November when Robert began seizuring and I had to leave my job, making us without a consistent income. I'm contemplating bankruptcy and if one of the vehicles is repossessed, I'll have no choice.

You reach a point sometimes when you've done all you can do and then some. I've begged, borrowed, and Robert's donated plasma. We've sold everything we don't critically need, including tools, my guitar, and will be holding a yard sale in the spring once the weather is nice. I've tried charities and been turned away. I've tried earning it myself by publishing Most Wanted and put it up for sale at $0.99. I've had 3 purchases. It's the universe's way of saying "You don't matter". I get it. Whatever, it is what it is. Do for yourself my foot. I've been doing for myself my whole life and sometimes it's just not enough. But for better or worse, we're pretty much on our own.

So I battle forward through another day. Our one saving grace, my hail Mary, is my big red button that says "Use only in case of severe emergency." I have a friend who's been like a father to me for 20 years sending me a short term loan to get through until my tax refund. We won't be homeless. We have power, water, and food. I'm going to the library for internet until tomorrow afternoon when hopefully phones will be restored. I'm grateful that the hierarchy of needs is being met, even if only barely. This too shall pass. Even if the voice in my head reminds me over and over again, "But what if this time it doesn't?" I have to remind myself minute by minute that this is temporary to avoid panicking completely.

I hate failing and I am failing every day. I'm failing to properly take care of my family. And I'm doing all I can and more. I guess I'll go work minimum wage at a gas station because my talents aren't sufficient for anything else. At least that way the next time there's a crisis I won't feel bad about losing another job. Oh wait, they won't hire me because I'm overqualified, said the local pizza place, Walmart, Target, and Subway. Combination of overqualified, too old (almost 40), and I can't lie on an application to save my life. So here we sit. On the brink of disaster while my child battles demons I can't save her from. So today's just gonna be a day that sucks.

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