Diary of a Middle-aged Woman

Confessions of an Ungrateful Daughter

Today I would like to talk about some of the more absurd conversations I've had with my mother. I have a list of a few conversations you might find entertaining.


1. Shoe Drama:

Mom: Vic, QVC has Lee Sands on and he's showing a green velvet shoe that I want to buy for you. Quick, what size are you?

Me:(I quickly turn on QVC and see the shoes and knew they were not for me) No that's okay Mom, I don't need them. Thanks anyway.

We go back and forth for a little and then she says this ...

Mom: Just tell me what size you are!

I finally give in and tell her

Me: Eight and a half.

Mom: Eight and a half!!! Lord, you have big feet!!!

I'm a little taken aback by this comment.

Me: Well, you're a good one to talk. You're a size nine!

Mom: Yes, but look how old I am.

At this point I am dumbfounded.

Me: Well, our feet don't grow our whole lives, if they did we'd all be wearing clown shoes!

Mom: Whatever! Bye!


2.) Menu Judging:

A little background - my mother would call me every night and her first question would be, "what did you make for dinner?"

Me: I made haddock, pierogies and green beans.

Mom: FISH!! On a Wednesday?! What's up with that? You never make fish on a Wednesday! Fish is a Friday meal. Everyone knows that! At least I thought everyone knew that!

Let me just stop right here and tell you I have no idea why she thinks this. We have no religious affiliation that would dictate this notion.

Me: You can have fish whenever you want! It doesn't have to be Friday! Long John Silvers is open all week, not just on Fridays!

Mom: Whatever! Bye!


3.) Ear Piercing:

When I was of middle school age, all of my friends were getting their ears pierced. Of course I wanted to get mine pierced also.

Me: Mom, can I get my ears pierced?

Mom: You know what kind of people have pierced ears? Sluts! That's who. Why do you want to?

Me: All my friends got theirs done. They aren't sluts.

Mom: Oh did they now? Well, wait until they get cancer in their ears. They'll see then.

Me: You can't get cancer in your ears from getting them pierced! I never heard of that!

Mom: Whatever!

(I didn't get my ears pierced until I was a senior in high school. I guess in her eyes I had achieved slut status!)


4.) Strawberry Allergy:

Mom: Get those strawberries away from me! I don't want anything to do with them.

Me (as a little girl): Why not, Mommy? Don't you like them?

Mom: I'm allergic to them. If I eat them, the seeds will come out on my skin.

As a little girl I would have loved to see her eat one, just so the seeds could come out on her skin.

Time went by and our phone conversation, went something like this:

Mom: How can you eat those strawberries?

Me: I love them! Why can't you eat them? What happens when you eat them?

Mom: I'm highly allergic to them. The little seeds come out on my skin.

Me: Do you mean you get a rash from them?

Mom: No! The seeds come out on my skin. I have to brush them away.

Me (utterly perplexed): But that can't happen. The seeds go into your stomach and are digested there. How would they come out on your skin?

Mom: Why do I have to explain myself!

Me: I don't understand how that could happen!

Mom: Whatever! Bye.


5.) Pig Birthmark:

This conversation took place when I was pregnant.

Mom: Did I ever tell you what happened to my second cousin when she gave birth?

Me: No. Did she have a hard time?

Mom: Wait until you hear what happened! They lived on a farm and they had a few pigs. One night, when she was pregnant, she said to her husband, "I'll get up early and take care of the pigs." As she said this, she was scratching her forearm. When she gave birth, she had a baby girl, and on her one forearm was a birthmark shaped just like a pig. Imagine, her whole like she had to hide her arm, because of the birthmark. So, you better just watch what you say or your baby could end up with something like that.

Me: I doubt that will happen to me.

Mom: Whatever! Bye!


So, what do you think? Do you have crazy conversations like this with your mother or father? Please let me know in the comments. I welcome your feedback too. This is the first time I've done writing in this format.

Thanks for reading my post!