Complex Numbers

Values

Every once in a while, I get pushed something like this:

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/a-list-of-8-core-values-i-live-by

Coming up with one's own core values is certainly preferable to having them dictated by something outside yourself. Taking one from that list, let's use the first one, "authenticity," for example:

I don't think that's something I could adopt. Perhaps that makes me a bad person; I don't know. But the author explains it thus: "Be the same person at every occasion in life. Don’t act differently in front of your parents, friends, co-workers, in-laws, and strangers. Stay your true self. And never be afraid of other people’s judgments."

That's not me. My "true self" is a bit of a chameleon. I'm going to act differently in front of friends and strangers (I no longer have anyone in those other categories in my life).

Now that I think of it, this may be one reason I'm lousy at parties. I don't know who to be at any given moment. I feel the others sizing me up: "He's going for the cheese dip again, like he needs it." Well, I don't need it, but I enjoy it. How am I supposed to explain to people that I've never met that the joy I get from food is more important to me than being fit, or even my health?

I guess I'm doing that now, trying to explain something to people I've never met.

It wasn't always this way. When I was younger, I had more self-control. With the future ahead of me, I figured I could try on different personas, find one that fits.

Nothing ever did, so I essentially gave up. And now I don't know how to start giving a shit again. I guess it's just not that important to me.

What is important to me? Solitude - not all the time, but good chunks of it; I suppose this is helpful for a writer. Learning stuff - I feel good when I learn something new, even if it challenges what I thought I already knew. Comfort - also not all the time, but having someplace to which to retreat (I suppose this is related to solitude). Freedom - that is, being able to make my own choices without those choices affecting other people.

There's probably more, but those don't strike me as lofty ideals at all.

I read somewhere recently that who you are is more about what you do than about what you believe. Like, say you believe that it's important to stop climate change - but you still drive a low-mpg car and make unnecessary trips in it. Or if you believe in the fundamental equality of all people, but you ignore injustice when it benefits you.

In that case, does it really matter what your "core values" are? Or, perhaps, would you be better off simply deriving them from what you do, even if that's not always flattering? In which case, "procrastination" would head the list of my core values.

Which means I guess I'll have to think about it and work on self-improvement later.