Daily Screams

Mould Cooking (ASR)

Hello and welcome to Gourmet Galaxy, the show where we show you how to cook all those weird and wonderful morsels you've picked up on your interstellar travel.

In this episode we will be looking at something a little different. Little in both size and exposure; this critter is often dismissed by critics as being just too much effort. But here at Gourmet Galaxy, we have developed quite a taste for these funny little spores. Although often still considered a parasitic vermin, more and more frequently they are being grown in domestic cultures. In the wild, they are normally found in solitary solar systems. And whilst they start out colonising one planet, if left unchecked these little critters will eventually jump to other planets in the same system.

Tiny, delicate, but oh-so tenacious, we are of course talking about the single-cranium organism Homo. A member of the mould-family, the Homo species subdivides into a number of interesting spores, but the one of most culinary interest is Homo sapiens, the common or vulgar human.

Come back folks! Don't change the holo, we know that many of you are recoiling in horror; but keep your tentacles and antennae intact! Males, females, non-binaries, herms and cyber-evolved sentients, stay with us! How many of our viewers have actually tried human flesh? Contact us now with your stories and we may we feature them on our next episode.



It's a niche market, but one that us here at Gourmet Galaxy feel is growing. Due to the wide-spread deficit of warg- and neowarg-meat and amid fears of yenouri-derived encephalitits, human consumption is on the rise and some are speculating it may well become the new jhura.

So, first of all, let's consider the various types of human available on the interstellar market. They come in a wide range of colours from an almost UV-white through to black-as-the-void, with some displaying yellow or even reddish skins. Let us make something perfectly clear to the viewer; there is no difference WHAT SO EVER in taste. All humans, regardless of skin colour, possess the same delicate flavouring. Of course you may wish to purchase your cluster depending on ascetic beauty - if you are serving up a vintage-style monochrome meal, as was all the rage sixteen centuries ago, then you may well pick your humans to be all of the same hue. But if you are using them as a topping or side dish, then a mixture of shades and colours may well be more enticing. We do regret however, that - as yet - humans are not grown in frequencies either side of UV or IR, so if you were planning an ionising spectrum meal, you would be better off using vehr.



Now, a quick word on preparation; as with most simple single-brained organisms, humans do go off very quickly. Therefore it is essential to get them from a reputable seller or harvest them yourselves. Do be warned, however, if self-harvesting, to be careful to always get them from a safe, recognised planet-of-origin. Wild humans can be highly contaminated; if the oceans of the host planet contains a high level of polyethylene (high- or low-density or terephtahalate) or polyvinyl chloride then we advise steer clear!



Due to their short shelf-life, we advocate live-cooking. Remember folks, humans are of the mucor classification, yup, in other words mould. So in answer to all the sentients commenting in on this holo; humans do not have pain-receptors. Unless you plan to eat them raw, live-cooking is really the only safe way of preparing these tiny critters. Yes, they do emit high-pitched sounds, but don't worry! that is just bio-gas leakage.

Speaking of leaks, don't forget to use a wipeable surface as humans secrete various fluids and excreta. None of which are pleasant.



So, just how do you determine your batch is fresh? Well, since humans rarely grown beyond two metres, they can be quite hard to spot; the infants are barely even visible to the naked eye-stalk! Despite their short lifespan, we advise procuring humans between twenty and seventy years old. Yes, that's a small time frame, but younger than that and they are so tiny there really is no point, and older humans tend to become quite tough and chewy. No-one wants Homo sapiens between their fangs on a first date!

The easiest way to check your humans are still alive is to give each one sharp tap in the middle - they should curl up immediately. The tap should be firm enough to expel any air trapped inside. However, ensure that you only tap; skewering the whole way through the body will give a false negative and make it look like the whole batch is deceased. Remember, if a human does not bunch up into a ball straightaway, it is mostly likely already dead and beginning to decompose. Do NOT eat a dead human - the rotting, purifying flesh will (exclusive of cyborg physiology) make you extremely unwell. Gourmet Galaxy do not take responsibility for the public's consumption of non-living Homo sapiens.

Once you have established your living humans and thrown away any dead ones (and do use all the live ones. Do not be tempted to return any juveniles or infants to the refrigerating unit, they will spoil long before reaching a sensible size), now is the time to begin preparation.



Of course, we here at Gourmet Galaxy are aware of the popular rumours, so let us nip them right at the antenna; you do not need to pinch off the appendages. Indeed, most of the meat is found on the lower limbs. The upper limbs, proto-legs often referred to as 'arms', may be removed if you choose. They have less meat and flavour, but do provide an additional crunchiness that is quite enjoyable. Please remember though folks, if you do wish to snap off arms then you must cook or eat the human immediately. Humans deteriorate rapidly after limb removal.



After you have removed the proto-legs (or not), it is time to cook your humans. You can of course eat them raw, although the slimy texture puts many sentient lifeforms off. If you do choose to consume them raw, the correct way to handle a live human, in most societies, is to hold it by the head and slurp off the rest of the body. Despite the inadequate portion size of most humans, it is considered polite to leave the head and a side bowl will often be presented for this. Sauce or mineral dips typically accompany live humans and, since they are carbon-heavy, the preferred salt is either rhodium- or iridium-based.



Whilst raw is undeniably the easiest way to serve humans, many sentient-beings find the way they wriggle rather off-putting. And believe us, they do wriggle! For their size, humans demonstrate a surprising turn of speed and are notorious little escape-artists. Retailers will supply humans in a hermetically sealed box with a small supply of a nitrogen-oxygen-argon gas mix. Depending upon the chemical composition of your own home, humans may survive for anything between minutes to years outside of this box. And if you are a carbon-based lifeform yourself, your atmosphere may prove just the right conditions for them! Trust us, you don't want escaped humans breeding in your kitchen! Although not a prolific species (they do no lay eggs and many attempt to raise their own young), colonising humans are capable of destroying a domestic kitchen in as little as a few hundred years.



If you are not going to consume your humans raw - and we don't blame you! - our favourite way of cooking them here at Gourmet Galaxy is to deep fry them. Try adding spicy comra leaves or vehr grounds to the oil for added flavour. Due to the tender nature of human meat, they do only need flash-frying; so be sure to keep a close eye-cluster on them as they cook! After removing from the oil, blot dry the bodies and sprinkle with either radium or barium. For a more exotic twist, try tungsten hydroxide and drizzle with mercury components. And serve immediately.



Until next time! This is Gourmet Galaxy bringing you all the best dishes from the entire multiverse!




Word Count: 1632

Prompt: Mould