Journal

What?

The problem is rather simple I guess. I'm not happy. It seems like I should be able to say something more complex, more elaborate or more eloquent. It has more facets to it I guess but at the heart it's about not being happy.

Unfortunately, although the problem is simple, I've no clue what the solution is.

I also don't really know when it started. The past few years have been stressful, it took 18 months of trying to get pregnant during which time my wife got more and more upset whenever a friend announced they were pregnant.

So a little over 2 years ago we found out we were pregnant which was great. But it was the start of months of stress. A huge number of pregnancies fail in the first 12 weeks and knowing how upset my wife got each month she discovered she wasn't pregnant I was terrified if anything went wrong she wouldn't cope. We had a few scares resulting in private scans, extra scans, trips to hospital.

But we made it through and our daughter was born relatively easily. Becoming a father was great, I love my daughter more than I thought was possible. I'm sure I've claimed that I've loved people enough that I would die for them and maybe that was true. But for my daughter I know I would.

I said the problem is I'm not happy, but I don't mean I'm never happy. It would be impossible not to be happy when playing with my daughter. She is amazing, compared to other babies she actually slept quite well. Some sleepless nights and when teething there were a few rough weeks but on the whole we have been really lucky.

So my daughter makes me happy, but on the whole I'm not happy.