Also Mutants

I Wasn't The One You Liked Anyway

7-25-17

"All you want is to
run into the woods &
beg the wolf to fuck you up."
         Ocean Vuong, "Anaphora as Coping Mechanism"

Maybe you didn't think you'd
make it this long
or expect to be in this position.
And I don't think you know the difference
between trying and expectations.
I've already got everything
I would inherit from you
but you're proving to be
after something more; something
that isn't yours and
couldn't be bothered with
for so long, even though you're...

You're just that. An ellipsis;
a space. A regrettable pause and a
gasp where life should've ended
for you when it did a little for me.
An empty line because words can't
do justice to the places you weren't
man enough or responsibly fit
to fill. Your nerve knows no bounds
or common sense, and I'm not
the only one who's said this before.

My heart goes out to those who
won't let you die alone, but
I can't pity them for their roles
in allowing you to forget just what
you were required to be, and
not only to me. I can tell it's
not important to you, just like I can
see part of that in me and I
have to fight this not becoming you
every day. Fighting it. Fighting you,
and I don't think I ever really knew you.
But that's ok. As much as I tried,
I eventually understood each time you failed
with exceptionally rare ability to consistently
be inconsiderately inconsistent. We noticed;
everybody knew it, but you loved something,
somebody, everything, that listened to you
and indulged you more than we could or
were given any chance to. And now...

Maybe you didn't think you'd
make it this long, but I
figured you might. And it's time
for me to just as well consider you
left to the people you loved the most.
I don't wish death on anyone; I merely
want you gone. I want forgotten. My name
exonerated from your separate distinction.
It's not me and it never was. Because
you never really liked me anyway; you
just did what you were supposed to and
some of what fathers should, for show,
but you never wanted to raise someone
and what you've got left are
a bunch of anyones.