Hey, life? Are you kidding me?

Yee Haw! (and by that, I mean Holy Shit!)

Holy Hat! What a morning (or I guess just a couple of hours aka eternity)!

At 8:26 a.m., I'm going through my basic morning routine for summer - letting dogs out, watching the Today show, chillin', ya know? I get a call from my neighbor that our horses are in the other neighbor's pasture. I have come to learn this is REALLY not a good thing. But for some reason my stomach didn't drop; I woke Bruce up and told him we had to get the horses.

I need your to remember four things (there is really just three, but I hate odd numbers so I will come up with a fourth).

1. I AM NOT A COUNTRY/OUTDOORS/PHYSICAL LABOR TYPE OF PERSON.
2. Since my husband's stroke, his mobility is limited though it has made great strides.
3. I have a fear of ticks, snakes, bob cats, biting insects, rats - basically things I've witnessed on our farm.
4. Today is our 2nd Wedding Anniversary.

It's a farm, right? In the country. I knew the neighbors weren't home; therefore, I just went in my sleep attire which is a tattered t-shirt and cut off sweat pants. Just to throw it out there... That is ALL I had on besides my trashed out sneakers.

We get in the truck and begin this adventure. First, I opened a gate, then I opened another where we know for a fact ticks have taken over that part of the land. I'm honestly still positive and ready to do what needs to be done (I don't know what has taken over me. Aliens, perhaps?)

The truck has gone as far as it can get. I need to follow a 'horse trail' along the fence line to see if I can see where they got out and/or where the horses are. A horse trail, I come to find out, is not a people trail. It has not been cleared or blazed (not that I really know what that means). I have with me a rope - that's it. This trail goes forever and gets thicker and thicker and more narrow. I trip once but get up - seriously, who I am? - this has got to be my giving up point.

I need to thank Mrs. McConnell, my 5th grade Sunday School teacher, who made us memorize the 23rd Psalm. At this point, the only part I can remember to recite as my country mantra is 'Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil.' The terrain looks like Vietnam war movies I've seen. I wondering which will be a more painless death - bobcat mutilation, snake bite, lyme disease, or unknown evil.

Eventually, the trail ends. . .no hole in the gate, no horses. Yep, so I get to go back up the trail. I am a person who sweats a lot (yes, I know sooooo attractive). So now my contacts are burning from sweat. I'm convinced ticks are crawling up my legs and since I don't have underwear on that they are going to nest in my woo! I beg the ticks I see on my shirt to please tell their friends along for the ride to retreat. And then I say Psalm 23 again.

Back at the truck, we drive to another area. Bruce sees the horses over a hill and sees where they got through. I get to open another gate - barbed wire this time. I grab my rope to hope to lead the stallion in and the others will follow. I walk about 1/2 a mile thinking if my Fitbit battery is out and these steps aren't going to count, heads will roll (I don't know whose, but someone).

Scooter lets me lead him and the 3 girls. I'm calm, dare I say content? Then he rears, the not-knotted well rope comes off and away they go.

This happens several times. One where the rope didn't come untied but Scooter was pissed by now and I was stubbornly determined. So...when he reared; I didn't let go. Apparently, I had tick fever because I figured I could keep an 1100 pound horse from doing what he wanted. This resulted in me doing an impression of a flying Wonder Woman (she does fly in the comic books; she got her invisible jet later in her career). I flew for about .3 of a second but I was airborne before I did a belly buster in the pasture.

And do you know what I did? I got right up!!! No cursing (aloud anyway); no crying. Seriously, I don't know what got into me. Maybe it was the Spark I drank in the morning.

Two more barbed wire gates later, somehow the pregnant mare decided to lead the crew through the open gate to our land. I got the gate that had provided their escape to hold with a rope. Bruce picked several ticks off my shirt as we headed for the hacienda. I know we took at least 6 off without even looking.

When I got to our front door, I stripped clean down OUTSIDE- butt-white naked. Those clothes weren't coming in the house. I walked to the shower stepping in cat puke on the way.

And then I had a fabulous anniversary.

However, at the moment (12 hour post-horse rustling) I hurt so much I'm wondering if maybe I wasn't run over by the horses and just have blocked that part out as a survival mechanism.

My husband and I said our own vows at our wedding and they were wonderful and I still mean all of them; however, I feel the need to add to them after 2 years of relocating to the farm.

I, Audra, take you, Bruce, for my husband, to mend fences and be dragged my animals from this day forward, in 100 degree weather, or 30 below, during mice in the tub, possible ticks on my woo, narrow paths reminiscent of Ninja Warrior, hand in hand forever and forever. Because, truth be told, there is no where else (except possible a hot tub) I'd rather be.

Do they still make Bengay?,

Audra