Also Mutants

The Turtle vs. The Hare, 2017

6-3-17

Hybrid Turtle
gave up trying to outrun his shell.
The urge to coast on his coattails
of that legendary victory
over Maserati Hare
proved to be the bigger challenge
than the race itself.
He went back to the garage
knowing he
couldn't rely on the laziness
and tough-talking insults
of his childhood rival
and so he began tinkering...
he took some old parts
from long-forgotten electronics of the past:
some gears from a walkman,
the laser from a CD player,
and a bunch of pocketwatches
from a discarded trenchcoat.
With the help of Welder Streetrat
and The Owl formerly known as Strung Out,
they set out to remake Hybrid Turtle.

Maserati Hare was convinced
his loss was a fluke;
99 out of 100 times he was sure
he'd prevail. Parked on his couch,
he tapped out an email challenging
Hybrid Turtle to an ultimate rematch:
"Winner takes all! Control
over our vast parkland!"
The turtle and his pals just smirked,
and responded with "OK".
Satisfied, Maserati Hare clicked open
the PornHare tab on this laptop
and furiously began training,
as they say,
"like rabbits".

The new machinery was helping,
but Hybrid Turtle was not impressed.
"I have an idea!" shouted the Formerly Strung Out Owl,
"What if you ran on batteries?
Solar-powered?"
"That's genius!" Welder Streetrat and Hybrid Turtle
proclaimed.
The owl took to smashing his calculators
(he was used to scrapping parts
for cash, when he needed a fix)
and the rat took to assembling the pieces
to work in conjunction with
Hybrid Turtle.

On the day of the race,
the newly-mechanical turtle showed up early
with his pit crew in tow.
"When will the sun come out?" yelled
The Formerly Strung Out Owl,
at no one in particular.
They nervously paced
until Maserati Hare showed up
at five minutes before the starting gun
was due to go off.
"You ladies ready to do this?" he sneered
as he stubbed out his cigarette.
The contestants lined up
and with a *BANG* they went.

As Hybrid Turtle struggled
to get off to a good start,
Maserati Hare exploded from the line
and jumped out to a big lead.
"You can't catch me, and I'm
taking no breaks this time!"
The turtle was pushing himself
with all his might...you could see
smoke emanating from under his shell,
caused by the gears being taxed
to their limits. Sometimes
the hare would circle back around
to taunt his rival
and when he noticed the solar panels
on the flipped-up hatch of shell
he paused briefly in an attempt to
contain his laughter. "See?
Climate Change is a hoax!" and
off he bolted toward the finish line.

One last turn
had Maserati Hare out to a sizable-
perhaps insurmountable- lead.
He took a look back
to check his distance
as the sun roared out over the horizon.
The glare
off Hybrid Turtle's solar panels
caught the mouthy hare
deep in his retinas,
burning them to a shriveled mass of truth.
Stunned, he veered off the runners' trail
and onto the tracks
of the train carrying
the very last shipments of coal
leaving the town's shuttered mines.
He couldn't see them coming,
and he didn't feel a thing.

Energized by the arrival of sunlight,
Hybrid Turtle found a new gear
and beamed as he crossed the finish line.
All the parkland creatures cheered.
"Covfefe!" they screamed in unison,
which is Universal Animal Language-ese for
"Stupid rabbit...science is for real!"
Hybrid Turtle turned to his closest friends
and said "Thank you...
I couldn't have done this without you
and The Paris Agreement."
His only regret
was that Maserati Hare
would no longer be around
to truly see
the errors of his ways.