Poisoned Purple Pen

Love and Hate

The Wildcard Round! This week's winner, chosen by Virtual Dice from all of today's eligible entries, wins a Fearless MB!

Tell us about a time you had to overcome a big or small fear in order to get what you wanted/be successful/maintain something.


I think the biggest fear I overcame was tracking down my father and being ready to confront him for abandoning me and my sister. I don't quite remember what we were looking for in my mother's room, but my sister had the divorce papers in her hand, which held an address for where he was living back then.

I was around 5 the last time I saw him and I remember locking myself in the bathroom and refusing to come out until he left. He scared the crap out of me. I cannot tell you why, he just did. Now, 17, soon to be 18 year-old me needed to know why we weren't good enough. Why he couldn't bother to at least call, or visit. When parents walk away and cut off all contact with their offspring, they have no idea the damage that inflicts. It doesn't matter how much the other parent loves and cares for you. That gaping hole can never be filled unless the other parent returns.

Anyway, my sister was too scared to go with me and my then boyfriend to check out that address. You see, they lived a few miles away. Not the same city, but close enough. Now I was betting that they hadn't moved in those 15 years. My boyfriend drove me there, and I remember telling him I wasn't going inside, I just wanted to know if he still lived there, or if they knew how to find him. God it was such a mix of emotion. I remember standing on the porch, excited and terrified of knocking on that door. What if he was there? What if he pretended he had no idea who I was? What if he'd died and I never got the chance to meet him? What if he had a new family and we were still unwanted? But what if he'd been looking for us all this time? What if he was happy I found him? That damn what if game you can play forever.

I knocked on the door, my legs trembling. And a woman answered, too young to be my Grandmother.

So I raised my chin. Does CM live here?
Yes
I'm his daugther.
You're Theresa aren't you?
Yes.

And then I burst out in tears. She started calling for her mother and told me to come into the house. I looked back at my boyfriend and told him to wait and went inside, a mixture of relief and fear still. I just couldn't shake it.

I met my grandmother, saw pictures of my father and was told he was a truck driver and came to visit when his route took him close to Michigan. A month later I met him at her house. The fear remained. I really wanted a good explanation, was desperate for answers. I will never forget that moment either. He looked me over like I was a piece of meat and said, Damn, I do good work.

Needless to say that relationship didn't last long. He wasn't a very nice person and thought he could buy my love. After I married and had kids, for five years I would send him Christmas cards with the boys pictures. First year was normal, you have grandsons, don't you want to meet them. When there was no response I'd get angry. So the next card would be I hate you. The next one I'm sorry I would like to see you, no response. Back to hate, then love, etc.

I know I'm better for seeking him out, but that pain I still carry with me.

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