Memories of Snow

NaNoWriMo Day 26: Saturday Thoughts (WC:1735)

Jalál (Glory), 6 Qawl (Speech), 173 BE - Friday, November 25, 2016 AD about 8:39 AM About 8:39 PM Pacific Standard Time

What is My Purpose?

To attain God's presence
On the day of resurrection.

To accept His Manifestation
So that I may know and love Him

I've written several poems inspired by the Baha'I Faith. I've also written poems inspired by the happening in the world. I have a lot of poems that I have to decide what to do with because the themes and subjects don't fit into anything except political. Indeed some of them could have been inspired by the 2016 election; however they were written ten or fifteen years ago. I suppose I should put when the were written, but I doubt I will do that. I may write an approximate date.

Another problem with the poems I found in the drawers of my desk is the question of "What inspired them?" The truth is I'm not sure what inspired some of them while I know precisely what inspiration and generated the poems. I'm not sure if other authors have this problem with their poem. Even today there are time when I write a poem and don't know what inspired it. White Lies is one of those poems I don't know where I got the idea.

White Lies

Isn't it odd
That people should
Put their trust
In a religion
Or their reliance
In a science
Or a government
Or a movement
That puts color
Above valor
Or color's lack
Above fact

Jalál (Glory), 6 Qawl (Speech), 173 BE - Saturday, November 26, 2016 AD about 7:33 AM Pacific Standard Time

The 30-Day Blogging Challenge prompt
What affect Does Music Have on the Christmas Holidays or Holidays that You Celebrate?

What affect does Christmas or Holiday music have on me? I don't celebrate Christmas or winter holidays so most of the time the music doesn't bother me. The biggest problem I've encountered with this type of music is when merchants begin playing it. Most merchants begin piping winter holiday music through their stores on or before Halloween which I think is too soon to start exclusively playing this type of music. I don't think it would be as irritating if they didn't play this type of music on an endlessly looping CD or interspersed it with non-holiday popular songs.

Playing Christmas or holiday music form late October to New Year's day causes people to either tune it out or irritates them out of the holiday spending mood. I'm sure merchants play the music to get people into a max out the credit card frame of mind, but in many cases it doesn't have this affect. After you've heard "Frosty the Snowman" or "Deck the Halls" you want to take those boughs of holly and deck the snowman.

I was raised celebrating Christmas, but we didn't decorate the house until after Thanksgiving. I don't remember any merchants or the city decorating their stores until after Thanksgiving. If any of the stores played holiday music they didn't play it until after Thanksgiving. I would just as soon not hear the Christmas music endlessly played for almost three months.

About 10:48 AM Pacific Standard Time

The Most Depressing Time of The Year

The time between Thanksgiving and the Gregorian New Year is the most depressing time of the year. Even when I celebrated Christmas it was a depressing time. I don't know if the problem is Seasonal Affective Disorder or that my birthday is on December 24. Anyway the darkness of the season just hit me with a cream of depression pie. Alright, I'm attempting to find something to make me smile and I don't know just yet if I'm succeeding for failing. It will take me a few more paragraphs to figure that out.

Last night, about 8:00 PM, I turned the television onto Channel Three in Las Vegas. I switched to that channel just in time to see "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with Boris Karloff narrating the story and play the Grinch. I like this animated series for a couple of reasons. First, it shows the spirit of Christmas without getting it mixed up with any religious message. Second, it was one of Mom's favorite Christmas specials.

I remember sitting in the living room, when we lived in the house on Bracken Avenue, and watching the special with Mama. Usually we had either coffee or hot chocolate to drink while we were watching, but sometimes we had hot tea. I like the hot chocolate best because either Mom or I made it during the commercial. I miss Mom so much. Watching the Grinch steal Christmas helped the nostalgia and it made me smile.

This morning I'm falling into darkness. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I want to cry. I want to set down and cry until I can't cry anymore, but that's not going to help my depression this morning. I suspect the only thing that will help alleviate the depression is prayer and writing. I just paused and said two prayers, one was a prayer Mom always said before she went to work and the other was about being a "joyful and happy being". The prayers helped for the moment.

Mom died on November 29, 2012. She died in a hospice and not at home. I had decided to transfer her to a senior care facility because it was getting too difficult for me to take care of her. She died peacefully, but sometimes I wish she had lived just two or three more day. It wasn't God's will for her to live longer. I wasn't Mama's will for her to live longer. Mom missed her parent so much, she wanted to be with them even though she didn't remember attending their funerals. I suppose that was just as well because it would have hurt more if she remembered.

Mom wanted to live to be 100 year old. She was 91 years old when she died which was nine years short of her goal age. It's probably just as well she didn't live to be 100 because her life wouldn't have been good. She had Alzheimer's disease and her memory was leaving her. She always remembered me and called me by my Name. In the last year of her life, I wasn't sure whether she thought I was her daughter or her mother.

Maybe part of my depression has to do with Mama's death. I'm so sad because I miss her. I know that she is with Baha'u'llah as well as her parents. That's some comfort. I'll have to pause in a few minutes to say a prayer for the departed for Mom. I also need to say a healing prayer for Cathy, Frank's first wife, I also need to say one for Jason because he's his mother's caregiver. I know he isn't having a easy time with Cathy being in the hospital and close to death.

I just talked to Jason. They're taking Cathy off the ventilator today. I don't know that she will have that much longer to live. Frank is coming out on Monday, so he will be there for Jason. At least she didn't die on Thanksgiving which is some comfort. I know it was a comfort for me that Mom didn't die on Thanksgiving. I want to cry. I also want to write. I can't write and cry at the sometime because I don't want to get tears on my keyboard.

Depression - A selfish emotion

Depression is a selfish emotion. It causes me to think that nobody cares about me, but I know that isn’t true. I have friends and family who care about me. Sometimes I wonder who would take care of me if De wasn't around to help. I'm not sure any of my family would be willing to do any more then move me into an old folks home and forget about me. I think the thing the depresses me most is who would make the decision to take me off the ventilator if it came to that for me.

It isn't death that scares me. It's the months and years between the time I became incapable of bathing myself and going to the toilet that frightens me. I suspect the only ones I can depend on is De and the Baha'is. I hope that isn't true, but at this point in my life I don't know for sure. As soon as the depression passes then I will change my mind on that. I know that thoughts during a bout of depression are vain imaginings. This is why I need to say prayers. This is why I need to write. Prayers and writing help dispel the depression.

About 3:08 PM Pacific Standard Time

Thoughts at the End of the Day

The sun is setting in the west as the day draws to a close. I contemplate what I accomplished today. I also contemplate how I wasted my time. I didn't waste the entire day, but I did waste some of it. That's time I can never get back which is sad because I don't know how much longer I have to life. Maybe part of my depression comes from all the deaths I've found out about this week.

Last night a young Hispanic man was shot when he attempted to rob the drug dealer living in apartment 7. In addition, another man I know was picked up by the police because he was in the wrong place and was wearing a hoodie the same color as the one the drug dealer wears. I know that the man they picked up has warrants out for him, so even when they find out he didn't have anything to do with the murder, he's still going to spend time in jail.

Then there is the fact that Cathy is on her deathbed. She won't be getting out of the hospital which is sad that she will die there rather than at home or in a hospice. It's better for people to die in their own homes, but if this isn't possible then a hospice is the next best place to die. No creature, human or animal, should die of gunshots in a courtyard or in the street. A person should die with their family gathered around them in prayer or silent meditation.