Memories of Snow

NaNoWriMo Day18: Answering Questions (WC:1746)

Jalál (Glory), 17 Qudrat (Power), 173 BE - Saturday, November 18, 2016 AD about 4:38 PM Pacific Standard Time

Review of NaNoWriMo Day 18

I went to see my doctor this morning at 10:30 AM. Getting ready and going to the appointment took most of the morning. This afternoon I responded to some blog prompts and did some reviews. Then I did some surveys. All of this took most of the day, so now I'm pushing myself to make an entry in NaNoWriMo. Since I did 2,017 words yesterday, I'm not going to worry about posting any today. I will answer some of the questions I didn't answer yesterday and post a word count sometime on Saturday.

I'm tired and don't really want to do anything. I can't go to sleep because it's too early. Tomorrow we're going to pick up a turkey and then go to Smith's so that I can pick up my prescriptions. I'm hoping to get at least 1,667 words posted tomorrow. It would be nice to do more, but since I have about 69% of the 50,000 word completed I'm not going to worry about posting anymore then the minimum word count. The truth is I really don't want to write anything tonight.

About 7:19 PM Pacific Standard Time

Ten Questions Answered

I suppose I should attempt to answer some of the questions before 9:00 PM. I don't know how many words I'll write to night, but at least I will write some. I'm still not going to post until sometime on Saturday, November 19.

What are the biggest fears or worries I have that I haven't turned over to God? My biggest fear is that I'm going to die before I can get my poems and novels published. The problem is that I'm afraid to finish editing the novel I'm working on because I'm afraid it isn't good enough. I have placed this fear in God's hands. I'm not sure why. I know that once I place it in the Lords hands that I'll get back to editing the novel. I always procrastinate when I'm afraid. I haven't place the problem of procrastinating in God's hand because I'm afraid. Why am I afraid to place my bad habits and my fears in God's hands. Does it have something to do with my childhood. Could it be a results of the sexual abuse by Jerry. This is something I'm going to have to explore when I finish answering the rest of these questions.

Who is the one person in my life that I have yet to forgive? I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive my sister. I suppose I should forgive Jerry, but for some reason I can't because I'm still hanging on to the fear that he instilled in me. I know that most of my fears go back to the sexual abuse. I think I have to let go of the fact that I think I could have or should have did something. There was no one to protect me when he was around. I remember incidents that suggested that my grandparents and Mom wanted to protect my sister, but not me. Why didn't anyone want to protect me. I have to place this in God's hands. I have to learn to let go and forgive myself for not saying anything to anyone. Maybe if I had said something to my grandparents or Mom they would have protected me or at least showed that they wanted to protect me.

Am I satisfied and content with my life? Yes and no. I'm satisfied that I am a Baha'I. I'm not satisfied with the fact that I'm not good at teaching the faith. I'm not satisfied that I'm selfish or at least I think I'm selfish or maybe it's just that I'm afraid. I've been afraid for a long time. I've been afraid all my life about something or other. I'm been afraid to speak my mind. I've been afraid to stand up for myself. I know that much of my issues go back to my childhood and the scars Jerry left on my soul. I think that's why I'm not satisfied with my life. I'm also not satisfied with the fact that I can't pay my own bills. I need to find a way to pay my own bills. I need to put all this in God's hand because once I place everything in the hands of the Creator then I know everything will be alright. I'm also not satisfied with the way I say my prayers or the fact that I want to fantasize when I'm afraid. I need to place all this in God's hands. Satisfaction comes from placing everything in God's hands and in the hands of His Manifestation. I need to place everything in the hands of Baha'u'llah.

What do I need to do to get closer to God? I need to focus on the writing of Baha'u'llah. I need to focus on obedience to the Laws he brought. I need to meditate on the sacred scriptures of the Baha'I Faith. I need to memorize more of the prayers. I need to say a prayer for protection everyday because when I say a prayer for protection I'm less afraid then when I don't. I know that God's protects me. I know that Baha'u'llah protects me. I know that Baha'u'llah is the Promised one of all religions.

What are 10 things I'm grateful for? (1) The Baha'I Faith because it revealed to me the love and grace of God for humanity. (2) My mother and that she became a Baha'I before her death. (3) Coffee, specifically Folgers black silk coffee. (4) De because she has helped me grow spiritually and she keeps after me when she knows I should do something or talk to my doctor about a problem. (5) That my car still runs and that De knows how to take care of it. (6) The writers on writing.com that give encouraging reviews and editing advice. (7) Chocolate because it's one of my favorite foods and always give me a feeling of contentment when I eat it. (8) The doctors and nurse practitioners who see me when I go to my primary care doctor or a specialist. (9) That Baha'u'llah is my Lord and the Salvation of the world. (10) The test and difficulties I face that bring me closer to God and Baha'u'llah.

Who are the people in my life who really need prayer today. I think everyone in my life needs prayer to day and everyday. I also think that this country needs prayer because this last presidential election almost tore it apart. I don't know what's going to happen in the next for years, but I'm afraid it isn't going to be good. However, the only thing I can do about it is pray and sign petitions when I think they are for the right cause.

How has God given me grace? Each day God gives me grace by protecting me. He gave me grace by letting me discover the Baha'I Faith and become a Baha'I. I don't know what I did to deserve this blessing because I know I haven't been a good Baha'I and I haven't always placed my trust in God. Baha'u'llah says we should place our whole trust in God. I haven't always did that. The only thing I can do is continue to pray and place my trust in God.

How have I given grace to others? Through telling others about Baha'u'llah and the Baha'I Faith. I know that I've often fell down on teaching and on showing forth the attributes of God that will attract people to the Baha'I Faith. No matter what I've did or haven't done in the past; I know that Baha'u'llah is the Promised of All Religions. That he is Christ Returned in the Glory of the Father. I just have to continue to pray for assistance and forgiveness.

What unhealthy and sinful habits do I need to turn over to God? Procrastination and fantasizing when I'm afraid. I've did this all my life. I withdrew into a fantasy world when Mom and Dad divorced. Then when Jerry sexually abused me I withdrew because I was afraid that I had did something to cause it. I know it wasn't my fault that Mom and Dad divorced or the I was sexually abused. I still find myself responding to problems in this way. I have to overcome it and I can with the help of God and Baha'u'llah. I have to pray when I find myself withdrawing into my fantasy world.

Describe a time or situation where God showed up unexpectedly in my life. Today (November 18) when I was driving to the doctor I didn't look good when I went to turn and almost hit two pedestrians who were crossing the street. God spoke to my mind telling me to put on the break and not turn. God shows up in my life when I pay attention to my intuition because when I do I always save myself a lot of problems and when I don't pay attention to the still small voice I have problems.

Another thing I have to be thankful for is that I word over 1,000 word in this document. I need to post this count today. That way I have posted for Day 18 of NaNoWriMo. I think I'm obsessed with the word the word count and posting everyday. I know I haven't posted everyday because I didn't post on General Election Day because I worked the polls. I know I had to work them because I had committed to it and I needed the money. I have to figure out a way to make more money so that I don't have to depend on Faye for the rent or anything else.

I'm afraid she isn't going to sent the rent for December anyway. I've only talked to her once since she called drunk. Oh well, there isn't anything I can do about it if she doesn't sent me a rent check. I written about the reason I think she wanted to move in with me. Or at least I think I've written about it. If I haven't I'm sure I will in a later entry. Right now I have to stop worrying about it and put the entire situation into the hands of God and Baha'u'allh.