Memories of Snow

NaNoWriMo Day 7: Meditation Notes and Other Stuff (WC:2002)

Jamál (Beauty), 4 Qudrat (Power), 173 BE - Sunday, November 6, 2016 AD about 4:13 PM Pacific Standard Time

Meditation Notes

Meditation Notes In Poetic Form

Chanting God's Most Great Name
Memories of my mother
Ascend from the deep room
Of my mind

Writing.com is my home on the worldwide web. Have I used this in a poem before? I don't think so. How will I use this line and what form will the poem take. Perhaps a prose poem glorifying the attributes of writing.com. Perhaps glorifying isn't the word I want. Maybe extolling would be a better word. What are five or ten reasons that I feel writing.com is my home on the worldwide web?

Do I hear gunshots
Or is it just a car backfiring,
I don't here sirens.

The 2016 presidential election is a popularity contest between two unfavorable candidates. This is an understatement if I ever wrote one.

Kamál (Perfection), 5 Qudrat (Power), 173 BE - Monday, November 6, 2016 AD about 7:22 PM Pacific Standard Time

Personal Epiphany

I guess you can call this a epiphany. I don't know what else it would be. I've been thinking about the conversation Faye and I had on the phone on Thursday night. I realized that we could never live in the same house. I'm not ever sure we can live in the same city. Faye and I are too different to be able to get along for very long at a time. Plus there's the fact that she refuses to face Jerry's sexual abuse while I'm more open about it.

There are all sorts of sayings and quotes about sister being friends and supporting each other. In the case of Faye and I they aren't true and probably never will be true. I hope that sometime we can repair our relationship, but I doubt that we can. I know I haven't been as strong when it comes to things and dealing with Faye as I should. There have been times in my life when I let her push me around. I have to stop that. I have to stand up for myself and stand my ground.

I should never have moved out of the studio and into this two bedroom because I knew I couldn't afford it. I had a dream that Faye and I could be like some of the sister I see and hear about. That isn't going to happen. The best thing I can do is fine a cheaper apartment for De and I. Get out from under Faye's thumb. The one good thing that come out of this whole thing is becoming friends with De. She's been more of a sister to me in the past year then Faye has ever been.

I suspect, in fact I know, this may hurt Faye if she knew. Then again she may not care at all. I'm afraid that it wouldn't matter to her. I doubt that she even cares what kind of relationship we have if she can't control it. I suspect the reason she agreed to move in this apartment with me was so she could controls me. I know that sounds paranoid, but that appears to be the way Faye is acting. It hurts to think that my sister doesn't care about me. However, I have to face that possibility.

I don't know why I can't let go of what happened between Faye and I on Thursday. I want to cry, but it wouldn't do any good. I would like to talk to Faye about finances and a few other subjects, but only if she is sober. The problem is that Faye won't talk when she's sober. The only time she want to talk about anything is when she's drunk. Faye won't talk about her feelings or anything that happened between us in the past. When she's sober she wants to hold everything in. Then when she's drunk she want to be belligerent, pushy, and have everything her way. She won't listen when she drunk and she won't talk when she sober.

I talked to Tom today about it. He's the only member of the family I can be sure will respond when I call or return my call if I leave a message. I think he's right about just listening to her without responding when she on a drunk. The problem is that I don't think she want a person to listen, I suspect she wants a response so she can feel better about herself. I'm attempting to psychoanalyze someone else when I have trouble psychoanalyzing myself.

I doubt that Faye will respond to any of my calls. I will try again tomorrow. If she doesn't call me back then I won't attempt to call her anymore no matter what. I know I'll probably get kicked in the teeth with that decision, but if my sister doesn't want to talk to me. Then that's the way it is, I may not like it but I'll have to accept it. I doubt she will send me any more money for rent or anything else. I'll deal with that and see if I can find a cheaper place or some help from social services for the rent. There must be some agency out there that can help me out.

Awestruck Moments

Sometimes events happen in my life that causes me to stop, praise God and consider the small and great miracles which happen everyday. One of those moments occurred today (the evening of November 6). I needed a prompt for The Blogging Circle of friends. I didn't have one and I couldn't think of one. I decided that there were two possibilities. I didn't use either of those possibilities because something better came alone.

I was cleaning off the computer desk and opened one of the envelopes from a writing group. The group wanted me to join. With the request to join they included a bookmark with a quote on it. Once I read the quote I knew that was the prompt for Monday, November 7. The quote, by E. Ethelbert Miller of The Writer's Chronicle, states: "I want to remind writers to see themselves as witnesses, and always speak the truth to the people, as well as the power."

This is the second time something like this has happened when I was considering the blog prompt for that group. It happened on Friday, November 4. The prompt I chose then didn't come from a quote, but from a news story. The title of the story was "Gorgeous Nebula Photos Reveal 'Pillars of Destruction'". I used Pillars of Destruction and posted a link to the news story. Since things like this usually happen in threes, I'm looking forward to see what happens when it comes time to post the next prompt.

Kamál (Perfection), 5 Qudrat (Power), 173 BE - Monday, November 7, 2016 AD about 11:35 AM Pacific Standard Time

Placing My Trust in God

He who puts his trust in God,
God will suffice him;
He who fears God,
God will send him relief.
Baha'u'allah

It's been an interesting and stress filled Monday morning. De, Heidi, and me went to the Rescue Mission this morning to pick up our November food allotment. De and I then dropped Heidi off at work, got gas, and then came where De unloaded the food before going to the plasma center.

Before we left this morning, I called the rental agency to let them know there was a problem with the electricity. The breaker box was turning the electricity off in the kitchen, specifically to the microwave and the refrigerator when the microwave was turned on.

When we got back the building maintenance man was here working in apartment 1. He needed electricity to run his power tools. Since apartment 1 is empty and the people in apartment 2 haven't had their electricity turned on yet (they've been there about three or four days), he had to run an extension cord from apartment 1 to my apartment since there are only three units in the front of the building. Anyway he kept drawing enough power that it tripped a breaker and turned off the electricity to my entire apartment.

Since the electricity was off I decided to compose this entry by hand and then enter it later. I didn't want the electricity going off in the middle of a document because that would've pissed me off. After finishing composing this I will clean off the trunk in the living room and clean out the red basket under the printer. Once that's accomplished then, if the electricity hasn't gone off I'll input this into today NaNoWriMo journal.

The prayer by Baha'u'llah at the beginning of this section is the only thing that is keeping me from becoming frustrated. I know that everything will be alright. I just have to be patient and have faith.

Fiḍál (Grace), 6 Qudrat (Power), 173 BE - Tuesday, November 7, 2016 AD about 4:35 Pacific Standard Time

Love in a Parallel Universe

Pain is crucial
To my understanding
of self

Mutilated
By the forced penetration
Of terror.

My inner child remembers
The terror
Of being alone

With a predator;
Of genius vanishing
In the darkness.

The above poem is about my sexual abuse as a child. I think the poem itself is finished now all I have to do is rearrange the line so that I have only two stanza instead of four.

Just for Today

Just for today
I will seek your guidance
And walk through the valley of death.

Blind to the scars
that the chains left behind
And the suffering you endured.

Just for today
I will fear no evil
As I would by your side through the night

Deaf to the sobs
Of the angels weeping

This poem isn't finished. It was inspired by Baha'u'llah's suffering in the Black Pit of Tehran. I think I need to change some of the wording in stanza two and four. I also need to finish stanza four. I'm not sure how I intended to finish this poem or even when I started it.

Random lines
I need to make into poems

1

Under the strawberry moon
Summer's beauty burst into bloom.

2

Diatoms
A walk down memory lane
Is a dangerous thing
Pearl willows mirror.

3

Trash along the curb
Does it symbolize our faith
In our government?
Are we throwaways
Waiting for the street sweeper
To sweep up our hope?

4

The arrows of God
Set fire to dogma's dead wood
Freeing the seeds of faith.

5

The flowers of God
Resurrected from winter's sleep
By the Lord of the Age.

6

The warriors of God
Building His Kingdom on Earth.

7

The angels of light
Guiding the Children of God
To the Promised One.

8

Gardeners of God
Water the Tree of His Cause.

9

The Children of God
Resurrected from doubt's tomb
Celebrate the Lord's Advent.

10
The Lamps of God's Gate
Revealing His Promised One.

11

The heroes of faith
Mounted on certitude's steed
Subdue the heart's citadel.

12

Children of the Book
God's nightingales raised to life.

13

The concourse on high
Flames in God's pillar of light
Guiding His Children.

14

The harvest of faith
Gathered by Baha'u'llah.

15

The angels of God
Letters in the Book of Life.

16

Doves in faith's heaven
Carrying the boughs of peace
For God's Manifestation.

17

Faith's challenge met
Souls rise above doubts horizon
To meet their Lord in the air.

I have divided this group of lines so that I can use them in different poems. Some of these lines were intend to be used in poems about Baha'u'llah and the Baha'i faith. Others I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time I wrote them. I know I had some purpose in mind, but I don't know what it was. Perhaps I should start keeping notes when I start a poem but, for one reason or another am unable to finish it.