Memories of Snow

NaNoWriMo Day 4: Letters and Other Thoughts (WC:2190)

Istiqlál (Independence), 2 Qudrat (Power), 173 BE - Friday, November 3, 2016 AD about 8:30 PM Pacific Daylight Time

Dear Mama,

What am I doing wrong? Am I doing anything wrong? I just finished talking to Faye or rather Liz as she likes to be called. I'm trying to take care of my own bills, but I'm having a difficult time doing it. I know she hates to support me, but I think she feels guilty. Actually I fairly sure she feels guilty about a number of things. I need to get to the point where I can take care of myself without depending on her.

Mama, I need to know if you think I used you while we were together. Faye said or rather suggested that was what she thought. If I did, I'm sorry. Mama, I love you so much. I thought I was doing the best I could, but now I'm doubting it. After talking to Faye this evening I'm beginning to doubt a lot of things. I'm sure Faye was drunk so need to forgive her for what she said.

I need to find a cheaper place to live. I don't need the stress and shit Faye is attempting to put on me. I think she feels guilty about other things as well. I'm sure she feels guilty about Jerry. She wouldn't admit it even if I brought up the subject. I need to figure out how to pay my own rent and everything. Then I won't have to depend on her and hear her drunken rants. I'm not listening to them anymore anyway. She hung upon me the last time, but has been calling every few minutes. I haven't answered the phone. I know that I'll pay for it later, but I can't deal with her anymore tonight.

I'm going to spend the rest of the night in tears. I love Faye. I can't let her support me anymore. I have to find a way to pay the rent and to support myself. I think De and I can get along without Faye, no it's Liz from now on because I don't think I can call her anything except Liz. The woman I talked to tonight. The drunk I talked to tonight wasn't my sister, Faye, she was a stranger. She and I no longer run in the same circle. I'm tired of having to accept money from her for anything.

I admit I could use the rent money. I also suspect that I won't be getting it anymore. That means I'm going to have to find a way to pay the rent in December and January before we move into the new place in February. I'm planning on finding a place by December 31 or January 31. A place that I can afford with maybe a roommate; preferably De.

Mama, I know that once I decide to do something I can do it. I think the first thing I need to do is say the Tablet of Ahmad nineteen time. I can do that by saying it once a day for the next nineteen day. I think say the Tablet in the evening before I go to sleep. I also need the meditate on a regular basis in the morning by chanting the Most Great Name. I have to admit that sometimes I'm not as persistent as I should be with my prayers and meditation.

I love you,
Neva

Istiqlál (Independence), 2 Qudrat (Power), 173 BE - Friday, November 4, 2016 AD about 8:50 AM Pacific Daylight Time

Thoughts on Fear of God

This morning a prayer revealed by Bah'u'llah keeps running through my mind. The prayer goes like this "He who puts his trust in God, God shall suffice him; He who fears God, God will send him relief." I keep coming back to that prayer this morning. I repeated it several times before going to sleep and I have repeated it a few more times this morning.

I'm considering the meaning of the prayer. I sure that the first part means that no matter what stuff I'm facing in life God is sufficient and will provide. It's the second part of the prayer that I seem to stumble on. Specifically the meaning of "fear of God" and how it applies to my present situation. Indeed, how it applies to my life in general. I'm fairly sure I haven't been practicing fear of God because if I was then I wouldn't be afraid all the time.

I suppose fear means to lay everything in God's hands, do what I can to solve my problems, and leave the solution to everything I can't solve by myself to God. I think it means not being afraid to do something because it appears daunting. There are probably a lot of subtleties to the meaning of "fear of God' then I can think of right now.

I think this may be my main problem. I focus on the difficulty and not on God. If I was practicing fear of God then I wouldn't procrastinate until I'm forced to do something. I would do it immediately no matter what the obstacles I see or are put in my path. I also focus on how difficult a project can be and, I think, I spend so much time considering the difficulty that I become afraid to attempt it. When I do force myself to do the project then I find it isn't as difficult as I thought.

About 5:57 PM Pacific Daylight Time

I remember when my sister and I were children. We were friends, at least I think we were friend. I could be wrong about that. Maybe we were never friends. I know I used to love her as a sister, but now I don't know how I feel about her. I swear I sometimes get the feeling she wants to control me. When I moved into this apartment I did so because I thought she wanted to retire and move to Las Vegas. She knew that I couldn't afford this apartment by myself.

Faye didn't object to moving in then. I don't know why she got cold feet. Maybe it's because of the neighborhood. This is a multicultural neighborhood with blacks, whites, and Hispanics. Perhaps that's why she changed her mind, but if it was she could have just said so and we could have found someplace that was more acceptable to her. I suspect the only place that would be acceptable to fay is Searchlight. I'm sorry, but I couldn't live in Searchlight. Searchlight would drive me crazy or kill me.

I should have known that it wouldn't work. Faye and I couldn't live in the same house because I suspect we'd drive each other crazy. I love my sister, but I have to get her out of my life. I suspect she called last night to get my permission to do something with some of my things she's got in storage. I suspect she's already decided what to do with the stuff, but she wanted my permission. I'm not giving her my permission to do what she's already decided to do.

I know she was drunk when she called last night. She's a mean drunk. She doesn't have the guts the say anything she's thinking while she sober. She says those thing when she's drunk. I know she would be pissed at me for writing this, but I can't bother about what's going to piss her off. I know that probably isn't the way I should think. That's how I think. Sometimes a person has to take care of their own mental health without worrying about what somebody else things.

I'm sure most of our problems go back to Jerry. I have no doubt she feels guilty about that, but she shouldn't because she couldn't help what he did to either me or her. I suspect, and if I'm repeating myself then I'm sorry, I suspect the only reason Faye wanted to move in with me was so she could control me. I could be wrong. I hope and pray I am wrong, but from the way she acts when she's drank that's how it appears.

I think that's everything I want to write on this subject for now. I might get back to it before the end of November. I'm tired, but I have a whole lot more words to write in this entry before midnight Eastern Time or 9:00 PM Pacific Time. On second thought I think I'll post this, do a word count, and then post my word count. That way I know I've posted something for November 4.

What Did Mom Mean?
What would Mom Have?

"If I were as young as I feel I would have..." This is a quote by my Mom I found in a loose leaf notebook in my computer desk drawer. I wonder what Mom meant. I'm sure she was going to use it in a poem. I miss Mom. Despite what my sister think, I did my best for Mom and I didn't use Mom. I know that's what Faye thinks because she told me that when she called on Thursday night, November 3. I don't know what the rest of the family thinks and at this point I don't give a damn.

I'm tired of worrying about whether my siblings love me or not. I think they do in their own way, but I'm also sure that... wait a minute I can't be sure what Frank or Tom says because they haven't said anything about what they think when it comes to Mom and me. As for Faye, well I know what she thinks and I'm going to accept what she said last night as her opinion. It hurts to think my sister would think that, but it's her opinion and it should have no effect on me.

My goal is to find a cheaper place to live so that Faye doesn't have to pay my rent and she can do whatever she wants with the books and stuff that are in storage. I'm not going to let her hold that over me. I'm going to put the situation with the books into Baha'u'allah's hands and get on with my life. I've been stuck in the past too long because of my own guilt when I suspect that guilt was misplaced. I did the best I could with Mom and if Mom doesn't think I did well then I will face her when my soul ascends into the next world.

I wonder what type of poem Mom would have used that line for. I think I should finish the poem, but I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I suppose I could attempt writing a poem from the point of view of a woman of the age my mother would be is she had lived past November of 2012. I could also write the poem from my point of view. How young do I feel? Sometimes I feel as if I'm fifty years old again. Sometimes I feel as if I'm forty-five years old. How old do I feel today? This evening I'm a bit tired. I've stressed all day. I need to get out of the stress mode before I attempt that poem.

Age is an interesting subject. Last night my sister emphasized my age as if I should accept my age as a limit to what I can do. She never specifically said that, but that was what she implied. I suspect there is something more wrong with Faye then what's she's saying. This family has never been one to open up to each other. I think that is one of the results of Jerry's sexual abuse of us. That was something you shouldn't speak of. Something one didn't talk about.

I'm tired of keeping the secret. Maybe that is a good approach to the poem. "If I was as young as I feel I would have to tell the truth." All right, maybe not a poem but a story. A story based on what happened to my sister and I. A story about the scars Jerry left on our souls. I think this is a story I've wanted to write for a long time, but I just haven't had the courage. I've been afraid I would offend my siblings especially my sister.

I'm tired, but I can't go to bed until after 9:00. I still have a little time to read and review or do some surveys. I need to build the money and points up in a couple of survey groups I belong to. I also need to say same prayers. I need to pray about the situation between Faye and myself. She isn't going to change her attitude or opinion so I have to take a different approach with her. I just have to stop letting her opinion bother me and when she does call on a drunken beng I have to either listen or hang up and not talk to her at all until she sobers up.