The Undiscovered Country

I Lost It

Not surprising since my house is a mess. And I hate cleaning.

As hard as I've searched, tearing my house apart in the process, I still can't find it. The longer I go without it, the more sad and cranky I get. I'm nearing the unlivable stage - and I think my hubby senses it. He's been spending more time in the garage lately. Sure, he says he needs to finish butchering his deer and make sausage, but I know a poor excuse when I hear one.

I can't blame anyone but me for losing it. I've allowed distractions to so take up my thoughts that I'm not surprised it's gone. Nor can I buy a new one. It's impossible, because it's a one-of-a-kind. Priceless.

So what am I to do now? Continue to wallow in my grief over the loss? Keep looking? Or do I do what most other writers do, and write without that need, that drive and that motivation to write?

I fear it's the latter. No. That's not the right word. I hate that it's the latter, because, dang it, writing should come easy. All. The. Time. I've enjoyed that motivation for almost an entire year straight, so now that it's gone, it feels like I lost an important part of myself. Perhaps I have.

I keep reminding myself of what Jerry Jenkins (who wrote the Left Behind series) says (paraphrased): You need to treat writing as if it were a job. You can't say, "I don't feel like writing today," because no employer on earth will let you get away with saying, "I don't feel like working today, so I'm not going to show up." Not if you want to keep that job anyway.

Even now, after so many years, and with my desire to succeed, you'd think I'd take that advice. Nope.

Part of that procrastination comes from not having any financial need to get my stuff published. It's a dream. A hobby. Something to do when I'm bored. It's wrong-headed thinking, I know, but there it is. Sometimes the first step is acknowledging where the root of a problem lies so a solution is easier to find.

What motivated me a year ago to write and write a lot was kicking myself off Facebook. I did. For the most part. But then the protests started, and I found myself following the Facebook pages of our local news agencies. That in and of itself isn't the issue, because that takes all of maybe fifteen minutes to a half-an-hour a day (at most). My biggest mistake was reading the comments, which I can't tell you how enraging they are. So much mis-information, outright lies, and so few uninterested in the facts.

No wonder I have no desire to write. Following the protests has sucked the life out of me.

So therein lies the root of my problem. Unless the protesters interfere with me directly, I need to stop looking for things that I know will piss me off, especially when I can't do anything about what's happening anyway.

We'll see if I find my motivation then. I'll let you know.